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"I want a woman that can swallow my pride" – Frank Zappa |
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THE PIG BLOG | PIG PRATTLERS
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 PIG Prattle is PIGish mixture of news, images, blatantly PIGish self-promotion, things that make us laugh and the occasional commentary. If you're looking for hard news, you'll find that in our News Digest. If you're looking for table pounding commentary, you need to pay a visit to Hambo's Hammer. Are we all on the same page now, Sparky? We better be, because a pop quiz is not out of the question. Crayons ready? |
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November 21, 2024 MARINE DISCIPLINE 101 A retired Marine Corps sergeant decided to become a high school teacher. Just before the school year began, he hurt his back and had to wear a plaster cast around his upper chest. Luckily, the cast fit snugly under his shirt, so it wasn’t noticeable. On his first day, he was assigned to the most unruly group of students in the school. These clever troublemakers had already heard about their new teacher’s military background and were eager to test his toughness. The Marine walked into the noisy classroom with a calm confidence, opened the window wide, and took his seat. When a strong gust of wind made his tie start flapping, he casually grabbed a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. The room went silent… and the rest of the year was a breeze.
June 29, 2024 CHECKOUT 5 A man was in a long line at his local Sainsbury’s store. As he got to the check out he realised he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register. She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did. She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, "One box of large condoms, Checkout 5." The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the check out, he told the girl that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the check out for him. She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did. She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, "One box of medium-sized condoms, Checkout 5." A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the check out he told the girl he needed some condoms. She asked him what size and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze then picked up the intercom and said... "Mop and bucket to Checkout 5 February 07, 2024 SEALS An elderly man rear-ended a guy driving an expensive European sports car. Enraged, the guy hops out and confronts the old man. He yells, "Oh my…" the old man said nervously. "I don't have that kind of money. Let me call my son.” he said with hope. “He trains dolphins and he will know what to do." The old man pulled out his phone, dialed his son, and just as his son answered, the irate man snatched the phone away from the old man. "I'll be there in 10 minutes." says the voice calmly on the other end. Exactly 10 minutes later, a Jeep pulls up and a guy hops out and proceeds to pulverize the bully, leaving him in a heap on the side of the road. When he finished, he walked over to his father and said, January 06, 2024 Top Three Adult Jokes (From Our Archives) 3rd Place: A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.' She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.' 2nd Place : One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh..' The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. 'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?' Winner: A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.' 'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.' 'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.' Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. 'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.' 'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal. January 01, 2024 A Real Businessman A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City and laid down on the back seat. The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab. The woman glared back at him and said, "What's wrong with you, honey? - Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?" The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you sumsing, lady I vasn't staring at you like you tink; det vould not be proper vair I come from." The drunk woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs or ass sweetie, what are you doing then?" He paused a moment, then told her..."Vell, M'am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself,'Vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride? Now, that's a REAL Businessman! December 28, 2023 1) You can't count your hair. Ten (10) Things I know about you. I posted this because I didn't want to be alone in the Have a great Day. December 23, 2023 I was sitting at a long stoplight yesterday, minding my own business,patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no on-coming traffic. A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting anti-American slogans, with a half-burned American Flag duct-taped on the trunk of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side, was stopped next to me. Suddenly they yelled, "Aqbar Allah! Praise Allah!" and took off before the light changed. Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it. For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man...that could have been me!" So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver. October 31, 2023 An old man was driving his Lambo with 100 miles/hour when suddenly he saw the police chasing him. So, he starts speeding up, 140, then 150, then 180. Suddenly he slows down and thinks: "I'm too old for this." The old man looks at him, thinks very hard and says: "A good day to you sir" - said the policeman September 20, 2023 “After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, ‘Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep with a hot 23-year-old girl every night. Now, I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 69-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things.’ My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV. Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.” September 06, 2023 INTERESTING FACTS ABOUT THE 1% ERS: August 16, 2023 On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed. Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined. Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments. Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!' That's when she shot him. You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut! June 01, 2023 Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? Q: Is chocolate bad for me? Q: Is swimming good for your figure? Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle? Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember: Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - bodyn thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!" MAY 31, 2023 WARNING FOR ALL MALES FROM ME when buying a security device for a loved one. The effects of the Taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse effect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...?? WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Dana what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. There I sat in my recliner, my cat Leo looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Leo (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. He is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a singlet with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Taser in another. The directions said that: a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. I'm sitting there alone, the cat looking on with his head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!! I AM CERTAIN I JUST MET JESUS!!! I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room. Note: There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. *My bent reading glasses were on the top of the TV. *The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. *My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. *My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. *I had no control over the drooling. *Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. *I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return! PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it! May 18, 2023 A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Little Larry says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane." The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson. "And how about you, Sarah?" May 17, 2023 On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed. Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined. Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments. Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!' That's when she shot him. You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut! April 23, 2023 An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido. "What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor. "Not a chance" she replied. "He won't even take an aspirin". "Not a problem," said the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra. "What on Earth is Irish Viagra?" she asked. "It's Viagra dissolved in his morning cup of coffee. He won't even taste it. Let me know how it goes," he said. She called the doctor the very next afternoon. "How did it go?" he asked. "Oh faith, bejaysus and begorrah, doctor, it was terrible. Just horrid, I tell ya! I'm beside meself!" "Oh, no! What in the world happened?" "Well, I did the deed, Doctor, just as you advised. I put the Viagra in his morning coffee, and he drank it." Well, you know, it took effect almost immediately, and he jumped straight up out of his chair with a smile on his face, a twinkle in his eye and his pants a-bulging. Then, with one fierce swoop of his arm, he sent the cups, saucers, and everything else that was on the table flying across the room, ripped me clothes to tatters and passionately took me then and there right on top of the table. 'Twas a nightmare, I tell ya, an absolute nightmare!" “Why so terrible?" asked the doctor. "Wasn't the sex good?" "Freakin jaysus, it was the best sex I've had in me last 25 years, but sure as I'm sittin' here, doctor, I'll never be able to show me face in that Starbucks again."
December 08, 2022 • We don’t let athletes bet on games they have the ability to influence. Why do we allow Congress to invest in companies they regulate? • Why is it that when archeologists find human remains, they always determine that they are either male or female and none of the other hundreds of genders? • Why is it that so many are more outraged that Brittney Griner is stuck in Russia than they were about Americans being stranded in Afghanistan? • We’re churning out a generation of poorly educated people with no skill, no ambition, no guidance, and no realistic expectations of what it means to go to work. —Mike Rowe • If kids knew what they wanted to be at age eight, the world would be filled with cowboys and princesses. I wanted to be a pirate. Thank goodness nobody took me seriously and scheduled me for eye removal and peg leg surgery. —Bill Maher • Why were we told to lower our AC usage on hot days to prevent overwhelming the electric grid while simultaneously being told to trade in our gas cars for electric vehicles? • Why is canceling student debt a good idea? Does it make sense to reward people who do not honor their financial commitment by taxing the people who do? • Does it make sense to cut off oil from an ally and buy it from an enemy who calls for your death? • Are we living in a time where intelligent people are silenced so that stupid people won’t be offended? • Is this a great description of America: Andy has left town and Barney is in charge? • Why is talking sexually in the workplace considered sexual harassment to adults… but talking about sexuality to children K-3 at school considered education? • Who else had a 'ministry of truth'…Hitler…Goebbels…Stalin • Eliminating the production of 500,000 American barrels of oil a day to buy 500,000 barrels a day from Russia is simply… well…stupid. • I saw a movie where only the police and military had guns; it was called Schindler’s List. • If your electric car runs out of power on the interstate, do you walk to a charging station to get a bucket of electricity? • Why are we running out of money for Social Security and Medicare and not for welfare, illegals and free college? • I just got a full tank of gas for $22. Granted, it was for my lawn mower, but I trying to stay positive. • There is a coin shortage. America is officially out of common sense. • If an 18 year old isn’t mature enough to own a firearm, then maybe five year olds aren’t mature enough to change their gender. • Nobody called it "Toxic Masculinity" when we were saving the world. • Mice die in mouse traps because they do not understand why the cheese is free. Just like socialism. • The most powerful governments on earth can’t stop a virus from spreading… but they say they can change the earth’s temperature if you pay more taxes. • Want to stop drunk drivers from killing sober drivers? Ban sober drivers from driving. That’s how gun control and COVID lockdowns work. • If you don’t want to stand for the national anthem, perhaps you should give your legs to a veteran who lost his. That way a real man can stand in your place. • If socialism is so good and capitalism is so bad… then why aren’t the caravans heading to Venezuela? August 21, 2022 Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters, et al: We have stuck together since the late 1950's for the sake of the kids, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course. Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way. Here is a our separation agreement: --Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes. --We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. --You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU. --Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military. --We'll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and the coal mines, and you can go with wind, solar and biodiesel. --You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell. You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them. --We'll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street. --You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, food stamps, homeless, homeboys, hippies, druggies and illegal aliens. --We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's and rednecks. --We'll keep Bill O'Reilly, and Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood . --You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us. --You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security. --You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N. but we will no longer be paying the bill. --We'll keep "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" and "The National Anthem." --I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute "Imagine", "I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing", "Kum Ba Ya" or "We Are the World". --We'll practice trickle-down economics and you can continue to give trickle up poverty your best shot. --Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our flag. Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like-minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you might think about which one of us will need whose help in 15 years. Sincerely, August 15, 2022 A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed yesterday losing its entire load. Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless, and perplexed. June 13, 2022
February 21, 2022 A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in awhile a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag." "Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer." "Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. " Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?" "Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!' "Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing ."OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?" "Not everybody pays." February 08, 2022 Sarah was in the fertilized egg business. She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells. Sarah’s favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Butch’s bell hadn't rung at all! When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells a ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. To Sarah’s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring. He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one. Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in a Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the “No Bell Peace Prize” they also awarded him the “Pullet-Surprise” as well. Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention? Vote carefully in the next election. You can’t always hear the bells. (If you don’t send this on, you’re a chicken – no yolk!) December 28, 2021 Sesame Street Introduces 'Todd', A White Male Muppet Who Is Blamed For Everything QUEENS, NY—In a courageous new episode of Sesame Street, the puppets teach kids about social justice by introducing a new character, Todd-- a white male puppet who is blamed for everything wrong in the world. Minutes into the episode, Todd is introducing himself to the other puppets and a prescriptively diverse cast of guest children, when he is confronted by Grover about Todd's culpability regarding a distant ancestor who fought for the Confederacy. Later on, Todd works alongside the puppet Abby Cadabby to stock the shelves of Hooper’s store with Goya beans. His accidental revelation that he gets paid 30% more than her leads to Abby singing a tearful rendition of ‘Workforce Woes.’ The episode’s final sketch portrays Todd selling cookies without the requisite health warning labels, forcing Cookie Monster into obesity and skyrocketing healthcare costs. In an upcoming episode entitled "R is for Racism", Todd appears in multiple educational scenarios-- including a math teacher forcing minority puppets to learn 2 + 2 = 4, and an ignorant puppet who thinks some cops might be good. In a particularly jarring sketch, Todd is caught teaching kids to face life’s unfairness with hard work, self-sacrifice, and hope for the future. July 10, 2021
July 08, 2021 An atheist was walking through the woods. "What majestic trees!" "What powerful rivers!" "What beautiful animals!" He said to himself. Suddenly, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look...and saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could along the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer...and then...He tripped and fell. Rolling over to pick himself up, he found the bear was right on top of him...reaching towards him with its left paw...and raising the right paw to strike. At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!" Time Stopped...The bear froze...The forest was silent...A bright light shone upon the man, and a voice came out of the sky..."You deny my existence for all these years, you teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident...Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?" The atheist looked directly into the light. "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now...but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?" A pause ..."Very well," said the voice ... "Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive"
March 14, 2021 1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . .'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs...and I was in the wrong one! Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, 2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,’ I instructed. Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, 3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.' Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg 4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, 5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion she answered, 'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.' Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, 6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . .' So how's your breakfast this morning?' I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.' Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, 7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read . . .'Keep off the grass.' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, Which said, 'Sorry . . . Had to mow the lawn.' Submitted by RN no name, AND FINALLY!! 8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing, further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said . . ..'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?' She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . . ..'No doctor but the song you were whistling was, 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.' Dr. Wouldn't submit his name.... 1 MORE This made me laugh out loud. A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. 'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm sure glad I came September 04, 2018 June 30, 2018 1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book – it's called 'Ministers do More Than Lay People'. 2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary. 3. The difference between the Pope and your boss is the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring. 4. My mind works like lightning, one brilliant flash, and it is gone. 5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom. 6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice – well, it really chilled the mood. 7. It used to be only death and taxes. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too. 8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house. 9. My next house will have no kitchen – just vending machines and a large trash can. 10. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex! And as you slide down that banister of life you should pray that all the splinters are pointed the other way. June 17, 2018 ("aphorism: A short, pointed sentence that expresses a wise or clever observation or a general truth") 1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow. 2. Money will buy a fine dog but only kindness will make him wag his tail. 3. If you don't have a sense of humor you probably don't have any sense at all. 4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs. 5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water. 6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night? 7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without. 8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks? 9. Stroke a cat and you will have a permanent job. 10. No one has more driving ambition than the teenage boy who wants to buy a car. 11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity. 13. No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning. 14. I've reached the age where 'happy hour' is a nap. 15. Be careful about reading the fine print – there's no way you're going to like it. 16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket. 17. Do you realize that, in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos? 18. Money can't buy happiness but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Cadillac than in a Ford. 19. After 60, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you're probably dead. 20. Always be yourself because the people that matter don't mind and the ones that mind don't matter. May 22, 2018 Two Polish Guys On A Train Two Polish guys were taking their first train trip to Warsaw. A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they'd never seen before. Each bought one. The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his friend and said, "I wouldn't eat that if I were you." "Why not?" "I took one bite and went blind for half a minute." ~ ~ ~ Two Mafia Hitmen Two Mafia hitmen are walking through the forest at night when one of them says "I have to admit, it's pretty scary out here." The other replies, "You think this is bad? I have to walk back alone." ~ ~ ~ The Redneck Letter Dearest Redneck Son, 'I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address, because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved, so they wouldn't have to change their address. 'This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure 'bout it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since. 'The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days, and the second time for four days. 'About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob decided it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. 'Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried, because it took him two hours to get me and your father out. 'Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet; so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother. 'Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, and he burned for three days. 'Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down. 'There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened. 'Your favorite Aunt, Mom' April 04, 2018 Our society is doomed... I handed Stu, the teller at my bank, a withdrawal slip for $400.00 I said "May I have large bills, please". He looked at me and said "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size." His reply: 'I know, I already got that side.' This was at the Honda dealership in Canton, MS. He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two.' We haven't used Sears repair since. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back. She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change. To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.' (Happened in Birmingham, Ala.) I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!' (She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS) Now for the best IDIOT SIGHTING of all: How would you pronounce this child's name? This child attends a school in Kansas City, Mo. Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong. It's pronounced "Ledasha". When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent." SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash. March 10, 2018
February 26, 2018 It's been snowing all night. So the morning goes like this: 8:00 I made a snowman. 8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman. 8:15 So, I made a snow woman. 8:17 The nanny of the neighbors complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest. 8:20 The gay couple living nearby grumbled that it could have been two snowmen instead. 8:25 The vegans at No. 12 complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with. 8:28 I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white. 8:31 The Muslim gent across the road wants the snow woman to wear a head scarf. 8:40 Someone calls the cops who show up to see what's going on. 8:42 I am told that the broomstick of the snowman needs to be removed because it could be used as a deadly weapon. 8:45 Local TV news crew shows up. I am asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I reply, "Snowballs" and am called a sexist. 8:52 My phone is seized and thoroughly checked while I am being blindfolded and flown to the police station in a helicopter. 9:00 I'm on the news as a suspected terrorist bent on stirring up trouble during this difficult weather. 9:10 I am asked if I have any accomplices. 9:29 A little known jihadist group has claimed it was their plot. Moral: There is no moral to this story. It's just the America we live in today! January 23, 2018 'We the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt ridden, delusional. We hold these truths to be self-evident: that a whole lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim they require a Bill of Non-Rights.' ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV, or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteed anything. ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone – not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion; but the world is full of dummies, and always will be. ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful; do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy. ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes. ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health care. ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you get the blue juice. ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat, or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure. ARTICLE VIII: You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to have a job, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself a useful citizen. ARTICLE IX: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to PURSUE happiness, which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights. ARTICLE X: This is an English speaking country. We don't care where you came from, English is our language. Learn it! LASTLY: You do not have the right to change our country's history or heritage. This country was founded on the belief in God. And you are given the freedom to believe in any religion, any faith, or no faith at all; with no fear of persecution. The phrase IN GOD WE TRUST is part of our heritage and history, get comfortable with it. January 06, 2018 A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library.He asked a girl, "Do you mind if I sit beside you?" The girl replied, in a loud voice, "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man's table and said with a laugh, "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I bet you felt embarrassed, right?" The man responded in a loud voice, All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The man whispered to her: "I’m a lawyer, and I know how to screw people." December 11, 2017 How do court stenographers keep a straight face? These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court" and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place. November 15, 2017 A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $20.00. "Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room, and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad." When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended, but then they began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised. Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith." October 16, 2017 *Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned? *What if my dog only brings back my ball because he thinks I like throwing it? *If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous? *Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C? *Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V? *Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and it just takes 75-100 years to fully work. *Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty. *The word "swims" upside-down is still "swims". *Intentionally losing a game of rock, paper, scissors is just as hard as trying to win. *100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses. *Your future self is watching you right now through memories. *The doctors that told Stephen Hawking he had two years to live in 1953 are probably dead. *If you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When", you get the answer to each of them. *Many animals probably need glasses, but nobody knows it. *If you rip a hole in a net, there are actually fewer holes in it than there were before. *If 2/2/22 falls on a Tuesday, we'll just call it "2's Day". (It does fall on a Tuesday) October 04, 2017 'A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked. 'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered. 'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the living crap out of all of you!' St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?' 'Couple of minutes ago.' September 28, 2017 "In my opinion, we don't need white people leading the Democratic Party right now," Communist Democrat operative Symone Sanders. "I'll have those n*ggers voting Democratic for the next 200 years." ~ Democrat President Lyndon B. Johnson, bragging how he could buy votes of minorities by getting them hooked on the drug of government dependence, i.e., modern-day Democrat slavery. "He [Former Democrat leader in the Senate, Harry Reid] was wowed by Obama's oratorical gifts and believed that the country was ready to embrace a black presidential candidate, especially one such as Obama — a 'light-skinned' African American 'with no Negro dialect, unless he wanted to have one,' " Halperin and Heilemann say. "White folks was in caves while we was building empires… We taught philosophy and astrology and mathematics before Socrates and them Greek homos ever got around to it." ~ Professional racial grievance industry profiteer and fake "Reverend," ~ Al Sharpton "Rather I should die a thousand times, and see Old Glory trampled in the dirt never to rise again, than to see this beloved land of ours become degraded by race mongrels, a throwback to the blackest specimen from the wilds." ~ Democrat Senator Robert KKK Byrd, lauded by the Democrat Party as the "Conscience of the Senate," a former Klan leader and Hillary Clinton's mentor. "You cannot go to a 7-11 or Dunkin Donuts unless you have a slight Indian Accent." ~ Democrat Senator and Obama Vice President Joe Biden "A handkerchief-head, chicken-and-biscuit-eating Uncle Tom." ~ Communist filmmaker Spike Lee about Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas "I am a former Kleagle of the Ku Klux Klan in Raleigh County and the adjoining counties of the state … The Klan is needed today as never before and I am anxious to see its rebirth here in West Virginia." ~ Democrat Senator Robert KKK Byrd August 19, 2017 Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, and the fourth man was a Government Employee. To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies. Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass. Everyone agreed that was pretty good. Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?" The Government Employee called his cat and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, sh*t on the paper, screwed the other three cats. Filed a claim he injured his back while doing so. Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions. Put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave. And that, my friend is why everyone wants to work for the government! August 17, 2017 A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know this is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?" Man with the dog replied, "My wife's." The man asked, "What happened to her?" Man with the dog replied, "My dog attacked and killed her." The man inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?" Man with the dog answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her." A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men. The man asked, "Can I borrow the dog?" Man with the dog replied, "Get in line." July 31, 2017 Head Scratchers Quotes taken from actual federal employee performance evaluations: 1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig." 2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity." 3. "I would not allow this employee to breed." 4. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be." 5. "Works well when under constant supervision and when cornered like a rat in a trap." 6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet." 7. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle." 8. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy." 9. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them." 10. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot." 11. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better." 12. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together." 13. "A gross ignoramus – 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus." 14. "He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless." 15. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier." 16. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime." 17. "He's been working with glue too much." 18. "He would argue with a signpost." 19. "He has a knack for making strangers immediately." 20. "He brings joy whenever he leaves the room." 21. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell." 22. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one." 23. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on." 24. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection." 25. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it." 26. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming." 27. "Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it." 28. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week." 29. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change." 30. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean." 31. "It's hard to believe that he/she beat out 1,000,000 other sperm." 32. "One neuron short of a synapse." 33. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled." 34. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes." July 17, 2017 What We Have Here Is A Failure To Communicate A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday. July 07, 2017 He Be Jammin'
May 29, 2017 Holiday Health Warning Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones! November 2009, Sydney University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer within a one (1) hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men: 1) Argued over nothing. No further testing was considered necessary! [Keep this holiday health warning handy, during your Memorial Day festivities. AND, be sure and take a timeout on Memorial Day to honor the warriors who died defending our life, liberty and pursuit of happiness.] May 27, 2017 Ponder This... I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year; not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number? Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. I find it ironic that the colors red, white and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you. When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body – men are so polite they only look at the covered parts. A recent study has found that woman who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it. Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y? America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body. Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish? My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that. I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been Googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night. Money talks but all mine ever says is good-bye. You're not fat, you're just... easier to see. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments. I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, here, fill this out? I can't understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women's clothing line named, Sag Harbor. My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me. My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm worried about the 175 pounds I've gained since then. Denny's has a slogan, If it's your birthday, the meal is on us. If you're in Denny's and it's your birthday, your life sucks! The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I'm pretty sure she's going to get me something. The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient. I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos. Money can't buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch! Hummm, never thought of this! The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk. May 25, 2017 Smart Ass Answers SMART ASS ANSWER #5 'What are my choices?' John asked. 'Yes or no,' she replied. SMART ASS ANSWER #4 As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.' SMART ASS ANSWER #3 She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.' SMART ASS ANSWER #2 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said. The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.' When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket. SMART ASS ANSWER #1 Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas. May 24, 2017 Mob Rule Portland Burrito Business Forced to Close After Getting Hounded for 'Cultural Appropriation' Kali Wilgus and Liz "LC" Connelly, owners of Portland pop-up shop Kooks Burritos, just wanted to make and sell some really great burritos. So when they were on a trip to Puerto Nuevo, Mexico, they "picked the brains" of the local tortilla ladies and brought those recipes back to the States. "I picked the brains of every tortilla lady there in the worst broken Spanish ever, and they showed me a little of what they did," Connelly told Willamette Weekly. "They told us the basic ingredients, and we saw them moving and stretching the dough similar to how pizza makers do before rolling it out with rolling pins. They wouldn't tell us too much about technique, but we were peeking into the windows of every kitchen, totally fascinated by how easy they made it look. We learned quickly it isn't quite that easy." Whelp, apparently this interview sparked an Internet shitstorm, which ended in Kooks Burritos shutting down and the two white women who owned it scrubbing social media of the business' existence. Wilgus and Connelly were accused of cultural appropriation by the Internet mob, and even the theft of PoC's recipes. "Now that you all boldly and pretty fucking unapologetically stole the basis of these women's livelihoods, you can make their exact same product so other white ppl don't have to be inconvenienced dealing with a pesky brown middle woman getting in their way," wrote a woman in the interview's comment section. The women became the subject of local editorials and, of course, fucking Mic.com fanned the flames with an article, "These white cooks bragged about stealing recipes from Mexico to start a Portland business." The company's Yelp reviews are flooded with one-star reviews from the PC police, using terms like "white mediocrity" and "Latinx" while comparing Kooks Burritos to colonialism. Soon after the controversy, a list of white-owned "appropriative" businesses began circulating online, featuring some of Portland's top restaurants. The list also suggested the nearest "PoC alternatives" to each white business. So to recap, a couple of white ladies learned to make burritos good while on vacation and now they are literally comparable to Hernán Cortés. Good job, cultural appropriation warriors! You made the world place by shutting down a local small business. May 23, 2017 Shaky Hands The next time you see a little old lady with shaky hands, you'll remember this story: A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter. Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk: 'Dddoo youu hhhave ddiilldos?' The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: 'Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models.' The old woman then asks: 'Dddddoo yyyouu ccaarry a pppinkk onne, tttenn inchessss llong aand aabbou ttwoo inchess ththiick... aaand rruns by bbaatteries? The clerk responds, 'Yes we do' She asks: ' Dddoo yyoooouu kknnoooww hhhow ttoo ttturrrnnn ttthe ssunoooffabbitch offffff? May 22, 2017 Philosophers
I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. I'm a billionaire. ~Howard Hughes After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box. ~Old Italian proverb Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years. ~Betsy Salkind The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats. ~Jean Kerr I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage. ~Zsa Zsa Gabor You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't. ~Jeff Foxworthy When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. ~Prince Philip A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick-boxing. ~Emo Philips Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself. ~Harrison Ford The best cure for Sea Sickness, is to sit under a tree. ~Spike Milligan Lawyers believe a person is innocent until proven broke. ~Robin Hall Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror. ~Jean Rostand Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~Arnold Schwarzenegger We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea. ~WH Auden In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked. ~Jonathan Katz If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead. ~Johnny Carson I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical. ~Warren Tantum (School photo album) Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap. ~Steve Martin Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is. ~Jimmy Durante America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric. ~Doug Hanwell The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone. ~George Roberts If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport. ~Jonathan Winters I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~Robert Benchley May 19, 2017 Morons The beach was too sandy – They really do walk among us. Where do these people hide when they're not on vacation? These are actual complaints received by "Thomas Cook Vacations" from dissatisfied customers: 1. On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food. 2. They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax. 3. We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish. 4. We booked an excursion to a water park but no one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price. 5. The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room. 6. We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow." 7. It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallarta to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time – this should be banned. 8. No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared. 9. Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg slicer in the drawers. 10. I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts. 11. The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun. 12. It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair. 13. I compared the size of our one bedroom suite to our friends' three bedroom and ours was significantly smaller. 14. The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service. 15. When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners. 16. We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air conditioning. 17. It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel. 18. I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes. 19. My fiancé and I requested twin beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked. May 06, 2017 A Paul "The Rest Of The Story" Harvey Moment BIG CHEEKS Bet you don't know "Big cheeks" Big cheeks: A grandson of slaves, a boy was born in a poor neighbourhood of New Orleans known as the "Back of Town." His father abandoned the family when the child was an infant. His mother became a prostitute and the boy and his sister had to live with their grandmother. Early in life he proved to be gifted for music and with three other kids he sang in the streets of New Orleans. His first gains were coins that were thrown to them. A Jewish family, Karnofsky, who had emigrated from Lithuania to the USA, had pity for the 7-year-old boy and brought him into their home. Initially giving 'work' in the house, to feed this hungry child. There he remained and slept in this Jewish family's home where, for the first time in his life, he was treated with kindness and tenderness. When he went to bed, Mrs. Karnovsky sang him a Russian lullaby that he would sing with her. Later, he learned to sing and play several Russian and Jewish songs. Over time, this boy became the adopted son of this family. The Karnofskys gave him money to buy his first musical instrument; as was the custom in the Jewish families. They sincerely admired his musical talent. Later, when he became a professional musician and composer, he used these Jewish melodies in compositions, such as St. James Infirmary and Go Down Moses. The little black boy grew up and wrote a book about this Jewish family who had adopted him in 1907. In memory of this family and until the end of his life, he wore a Star of David and said that in this family, he had learned "how to live real life and determination." You might recognize his name. This little boy was called: Louis "Satchmo" Armstrong. Louis Armstrong proudly spoke fluent Yiddish! And "Satchmo" is Yiddish for "Big Cheeks"! And know you know...the rest of the story. April 12, 2017 Irony I took down my Rebel flag (which you can't buy on EBAY any more) and peeled the NRA sticker off my front window. I disconnected my home alarm system and quit the candy-ass Neighborhood Watch. I bought two Pakistani flags and put one at each corner of the front yard. Then I purchased the black flag of ISIS (which you CAN Buy on EBAY) and ran it up the flag pole. Now the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching my house 24/7. I've NEVER felt safer and I'm saving $69.95 a month that ADT used to charge me. Plus, I bought burkas for me to wear when I shop or travel. Everyone moves out of the way, and security can't pat me down. If they say I'm a male wearing a burka, I just say I'm feeling like a woman today. March 31, 2017 Texting Gone Wrong Hi Fred, This is Alan next door. I have a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling you in text as I cannot live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse, I know. The temptation was just too much. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. It won't happen again. Please suggest a fee for usage, and I'll pay you. Regards, Alan. He returned home where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phone where he saw he had a second message from his neighbor: Hi Fred, This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect you figured it out anyway, and that you noticed that darned Auto-Correct changed "wi-fi" to "wife" That's that technology for you, hey? Regards, Alan March 23, 2017 Universal Laws
2. Law of Gravity – Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe. 3. Law of Probability – The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. 4. Law of Random Numbers – If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers. 5. Variation Law – If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now. 6. Law of the Bath – When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring. 7. Law of Close Encounters – The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. 8. Law of the Result – When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL! 9. Law of Biomechanics – The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. 10. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena – At any event, the people whose seats are farthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk. 11. The Coffee Law – As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. 12. Murphy's Law of Lockers – If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers. 14. Law of Logical Argument – Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about. 15. Law of Physical Appearance – If the clothes fit, they're ugly. 16. Law of Public Speaking – A closed mouth gathers no feet! 17. Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy – As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!\ 18. Doctors' Law – If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick. March 18, 2017 Biker is sitting at a red light with a car load of politicians in the lane next to him. They were Hoot'n & Holler'n and Flip'n Him off, just have'n a grand old time. When the light turned green, the politicians pulled out. Just then a trucker ran a red light and hit the car full of politicians killing them all. The biker was stunned and thought to himself, "That could have been ME!" The next day he went out and got a job as a Truck Driver... March 13, 2017 What A Life!
March 10, 2017 He's Got An Answer For Everything A student who obtained 0% for his responses, as listed below, on a class exam responded to those questions with what I believe was considerable foresight. It is apparent the exam preparer did not, in my opinion, phrase the questions appropriately as to direct the student to respond with the answer he/she had in mind as the only acceptable one. Q. In which battle did Napoleon die? Q. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? Q. River Ravi flows in which state? Q. What is the main reason for divorce? Q. What is the main reason for failure? Q. What can you never eat for breakfast? Q. What looks like half an apple? Q. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what will it become? Q. How can a man go eight days without sleeping? Q. How can you lift an elephant with one hand? Q. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have? Q. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it? Q. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? February 13, 2017 The Angry Man For all the interest group pandering that shapes modern American politics, the group that may well have decided the election has come down to the demographic of "The Angry Man. The Angry Man is difficult to stereotype. He comes from all economic backgrounds, from dirt-poor to filthy rich. He represents all geographic areas in America, from sophisticated urbanite to rural redneck, Deep South to Yankee North, Left Coast to Eastern Seaboard. No matter where he's from, Angry Men share many common traits; they aren't asking for anything from anyone other than the promise to be able to make their own way on a level playing field. In many cases, they are independent businessmen and employ several people. They pay more than their share of taxes and they work hard. Damn hard, for what they have and intend to keep. He's used to picking up the tab, whether it's the Christmas party for the employees at his company, three sets of braces, college educations or a beautiful wedding or two. Not because he was forced to, but because it's the right thing to do The Angry Man believes the Constitution should be interpreted as it was written. It is not a "living document" open to the whims and vagaries of appointed judges and political winds. The Angry Man owns firearms, and he's willing to pick up a gun and use it in defense of his home, his country and his family. He is willing to lay down his life to defend the freedom and safety of others, and the thought of killing someone if necessary to achieve those goals gives him only momentary pause. The Angry Man is not, and never will be, a victim. Did anyone like him drown in Hurricane Katrina? Probably not! He got his people together and got the hell out. Then, he went back in to rescue those who needed help or were too stupid to help themselves in the first place. He was selfless in this, just as often a civilian as a police officer, a National Guard soldier or a volunteer firefighter. Victimhood syndrome buzzwords; "disenfranchised," "marginalized" and "voiceless" don't resonate with The Angry Man. "Press 'one' for English" is a curse-word to him. His last name, his race and his religion don't matter. His ancestry might be Italian, English, African, Polish, German, Slavic, Irish, Russian, Hispanic or any of a hundred others. What does matter is that he considers himself in every way to be an American. He is proud of this country and thinks that if you aren't, you are whole-heartedly encouraged to find one that suits you and move there. The Angry Man is usually a man's man. The kind of guy who likes to play poker, watch football, go hunting, play golf, maintain his own vehicles and build things. He coaches kid's baseball, soccer and football and doesn't ask for a penny. He's the kind of guy who can put an addition on his house with a couple of friends, drill an oil well, design a factory or work the land. He can fill a train with 100,000 tons of coal and get it to the power plant so that you can keep the lights on while never knowing everything it took to do that. The Angry Man is the backbone of this country. He's not racist, but is truly disappointed and annoyed when people exhibit behavior that typifies the worst stereotypes of their ethnicity. He's willing to give everybody a fair chance if they're willing to work hard and play by the rules. He expects other people to do the same. Above all, he has integrity in everything he does. The Angry Man votes, and he loathes the dysfunction now rampant in government. It's the victim groups being pandered to and the "poor me" attitude that they represent. The inability of politicians to give a straight answer to an honest question. The tax dollars that are given to people who simply don't want to do anything for themselves. The fact that, because of very real consequences, he must stay within a budget but for some obscure reason the government he finances doesn't. Mostly, it's the blatantly arrogant attitude displayed implying that we are too stupid to run our own lives and only people in government are smart enough to do that. The Angry Man has reached his limit. When a social justice agitator goes on TV, leading some rally for Black Lives Matter, safe spaces or other such nonsense, he may bite his tongue but, he remembers. When a child gets charged with carrying a concealed weapon for mistakenly bringing a penknife to school, he takes note of who the local idiots are in education and law enforcement. But when government officials are repeatedly caught red-handed breaking the law and getting off scot-free, The Angry Man balls-up his fists and readies himself for the coming fight. He knows that this fight will be a live or die situation, so he prepares fully. Make no mistake, this is a fight in which he is not willing to lose and he will never give up. Obama calls him a Clinger February 10, 2017 Mexifornia “Californians began a petition drive to put seceding from the United States up for a vote on the next ballot. When California entered the Union, people had no electricity, the state had no money, practically everybody spoke Spanish and there were gunfights in the streets. So nothing has changed.” – Argus Hamilton January 03, 2017 Amusing Kim Kardashian's Butt Got Stuck In A Toilet? I Want To Believe What's the safest way of saying this without getting sued? The National Enquirer is full of shit. On occasion, it's done some accurate reporting, but on the whole, not so much. So I should know better than to put any stock in this Kim Kardashian story, but if a catastrophic portion of the country can believe that Donald Trump will bring back factory jobs with his magic Twitter words and/or restore meth-addled small towns into lily-white paradises of yesteryear (that never existed), then I don't think letting me have this one is too much to ask. I need this. Via Gossip Cop: According to the National Enquirer, the rapper installed a Japanese toilet with a "ultra-slender seat" in the couple's bathroom, and Kardashian couldn't get her butt out after using it. A so-called "source" tells the tabloid in very unnatural language, "Hearing Kim's blood-curdling howl, Kanye hustled to the upstairs bathroom and found her hopelessly wedged in the throne." Circle up, everybody. Prayer circle. Listen, I'm not a religious man because my parents made the mistake of teaching me how to read at a young age. But if there's truly a God in heaven, Kanye West paid an obscene amount of money for a designer toilet while entirely forgetting that he only knows who his wife is because of her gigantic ass, and then that ass got stuck in it. I don't ask a lot, but I'm going to need you all to act like this happened in real life whenever you're on the site. This is our foundation now. This is our rock. And upon it shall be built an empire where a butt got stuck in a hole while trying to pee and/or poop. HYEAH! [Source: THE SUPERFICIAL]
December 23, 2016 A PIG PSA
December 05, 2016 "...And That's When The Fight Began" One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started. My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes.' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started. I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself." And that's when the fight started. My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend ... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" And then the fight started. When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" And that's how the fight started. After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.' And then the fight started. My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' I replied, "Your eyesight's near perfect." And then the fight started. November 26, 2016 Indian Mating Season Two Indians and a Tennessee Hillbilly were walking through the woods. All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo! He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave. The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about. "Was that Indian crazy or what?" The Indian replied "No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful woman in there waiting for us." Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Immediately, there was the answer. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside. He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening. The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It's bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!" He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Like the others, he then heard an answering call, "Wooooooooo, Wooooooooo Wooooooooo!" With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran. The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read.... NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY TRAIN! November 17, 2016 God And Harley-Davidson The inventors of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, William Harley and Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told them. "Since you've been such good men and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven." They thought about it for a minute and then said, "We want to hang out with God." God said, "Ah, yes." "Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
November 14, 2016 News Update from Canada "I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said southern Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota . "He was cold, exhausted and hungry, and begged me for a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left before I even got a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?" Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals just south of the border, pack them into electric cars, and drive them across the border, where they are simply left to fend for themselves after the battery dies. "A lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions," an Alberta border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a single bottle of Perrier water, or any gemelli with shrimp and arugula. All they had was a nice little Napa Valley Cabernet and some kale chips. When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing that they fear persecution from Trump high-hairers. Rumors are circulating about plans being made to build re-education camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer, study the Constitution, and find jobs that actually contribute to the economy. In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have been disguised as senior citizens taking a bus trip to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans in blue-hair wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior citizens about Perry Como, Rosemary Clooney and Ed Sullivan to prove that they were alive in the '50s. "If they can't identify the accordion player on the Lawrence Welk Show, we become very suspicious about their age," an official said. Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic broccoli shortage, are buying up all the Barbra Streisand CD's, and are overloading the internet while downloading jazzercise apps to their cell phones and hacking Facebook. "I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "After all, how many art history majors and social workers does one country need?" November 07, 2016 British Humor 1. I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard, and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind. 2. After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, John woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it home safely. 3. Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Para-Olympics after they tested positive for WD40. 4. A teenage boy asks his granny: "Have you seen my pills? They were labeled LSD?" Granny replies: " The hell with the pills, did you see the dragons in the kitchen?" 5. Wife gets naked and asks hubby: "What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?" Hubby looks her up and down and replies: "Your sense of humor!" (Hospital visiting hours are 5:00 to 6:00.) 6. A chap's wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all he did was suggest they should hold auditions for her part. (His viewing will be Saturday from 7:00 till 8:30.) 7. I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster. 8. I woke up this morning at 9:00, and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonalds serves breakfast until 10:30. 9. My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door. She screamed: "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" I replied: "Oh, so now you want me to stay!" 10. Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. When we went to the fair last night it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel. October 28, 2016 Smith & Wesson When my friend goes to her ATM, or anywhere else, she always takes along her Smith & Wesson. She has never had any problems with muggers, rapists, panhandlers, wise-asses, street punks, or attorneys. Here's a photo of her making a withdrawal at the ATM:
Smith is the one on the left. October 21, 2016 The Difference If You Marry a Southern Girl The first man married a woman from OHIO. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away. The second man married a woman from MICHIGAN. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table. The third man married a girl from THE SOUTH. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he urinates. Some PIG-Worthy Observations Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it. So I said 'Implants?' She hit me. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America? Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place! When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I just 'chunky dunk.' Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? (Amen!) Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison? Wouldn't you know it ... Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever. Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside Bumper sticker of the year: 'If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier' And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes. October 19, 2016
Unthinkable This picture was posted on a website with this accompanying question: "If you were in a public place, would you feel comfortable with him sitting ten feet away from your children?"
This is the thoughtful response from one (1) of the readers: "I would gently explain to my children that while it is his absolute right to do it, I do not approve. Then I will let them know, in no uncertain terms, that if I ever catch THEM wearing brown slacks, blue socks and black shoes, IN PUBLIC, I will slap the stupid out of them." Texas Mom October 16, 2016
October 02, 2016 A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home. 'Where have you been?' his wife demanded. 'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.' She looked down at his shoes and said: 'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!' The 2nd Affair A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?' The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'Not this time!' The 3rd Affair A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. 'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.' She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. 'Don't move until I tell you,' she said, 'pretend you're a statue.' 'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room. 'Oh it's a statue,' she replied, 'the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.' No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. 'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.' The 4th Affair A man walked into a café, went to the bar and ordered a beer. 'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.' 'One Cent?' the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?' 'A nickel,' the barman replied. 'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?' The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.' The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?' The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.' The 5th Affair Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.' 'There's no need to, 'his wife replied. 'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!' 'I know,' she replied, 'now just rest and let the poison work.' September 30, 2016 A liberal will give a pedophile Viagra. >>>>>>> A conservative will give someone who is in desperate need his or her last dollar. A liberal will give your last dollar to aids awareness after giving the rest of your dollars to the public employee unions. >>>>>>> A conservative will try to keep his car in good running condition. A poor liberal will drive his, hers, or it's '62 VW microbus 2,500 miles spewing carbon monoxide and leaking oil to whole way to Earth Day where he, she, or it will decry your carbon footprint. A rich liberal will fly there in a private jet. >>>>>>> A conservative will execute a mass murderer. A liberal will condemn you for that execution as soon as their late term abortion is done. >>>>>>> A conservative will bring back a case of empties when he buys the next case. A liberal will spend $5 recycling a $0.10 bag. >>>>>>> A conservative will vote against anyone, Republican or Democrat, who commits a serious crime. A liberal will vote against anyone who is a Republican. >>>>>>> September 29, 2016
September 28, 2016 I used to think I was just a regular guy, but – I was born white, which now, whether I like it or not, makes me a racist. I am a fiscal and moral conservative, which by today's standards, makes me a fascist. I am heterosexual, which according to gay folks, now makes me a homophobe. I am non-union, which makes me a traitor to the working class and an ally of big business. I am a Christian, which now labels me as an infidel. I believe in the 2nd Amendment, which now makes me a member of the vast gun lobby. I am older than 70 and retired, which makes me a useless old man. I think and I reason, therefore I doubt much that the main stream media tells me, which must make me a reactionary. I am proud of my heritage and our inclusive American culture, which makes me a xenophobe. I value my safety and that of my family and I appreciate the police and the legal system, which makes me a right-wing extremist. I believe in hard work, fair play, and fair compensation according to each individual's merits, which today makes me an anti-socialist. I (and most of the folks I know), acquired a fair education without student loans (it's called work) and no debt at graduation, which makes me some kind of an odd underachiever. I believe in the defense and protection of the homeland for and by all citizens, which now makes me a militant. Now, a sick old woman is calling me and my friends a basket of deplorables. Funny, this all just taken place over the last 7 or 8 years! As if all this poop wasn't enough to deal with – I'm now afraid to go into either restroom! Signed: September 20, 2016 John Glenn: As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind -- that every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder. Desmond Tutu: When the white missionaries came to Africa, they had the Bible, and we had the land. The missionaries said, "Let us pray." So, we closed our eyes. When we opened them, we had the Bible, and they had the land. Howard Hughes: I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. God dammit, I'm a billionaire. Old Italian proverb: After the game, the king and the pawn go into the same box. Betsy Salkind: Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right, and you can walk all over them for thirty years. Jean Kerr: The only reason they say "women and children first" is to test the strength of the lifeboats. Zsa Zsa Gabor: I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage. Jeff Foxworthy: You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't. Prince Philip: When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. Emo Philips: A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing. Harrison Ford: Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself. Spike Milligan: The best cure for sea sickness is to sit under a tree. Robin Hall: Lawyers believe a person is innocent until proven broke. Jean Rostand: Kill one man, and you're a murderer. Kill a million, and you're a conqueror. Arnold Schwarzenegger: Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars, but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million. W. H. Auden: We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea. Jonathan Katz: In hotel rooms, I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked. Johnny Carson: If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today, and all the impersonators would be dead. Warren Tantum: I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius, and we're very skeptical. Steve Martin: Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap. Jimmy Durante: Home cooking. That's where many a man thinks his wife is. Doug Hanwell: America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric. George Roberts: The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone. Jonathan Winters: If God had intended us to fly, he would have made it easier to get to the airport. Robert Benchley: I have kleptomania but, when it gets bad, I take something for it. September 18, 2016 These facts are irrefutable. Be careful, be very careful. A wise person once said: 2. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks – PRICELESS. 3. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Fosters, Victoria Bitter, XXXX & Crown Lager. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available. AND 4. I haven't verified this on Snopes or Google but it sounds legit. A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it. September 16, 2016 How to speak about women and be politically correct: 1. She is not a 'babe' or a 'chick' - she is a 'Breasted American'. 2. She is not 'easy' - she is 'Horizontally Accessible'. 3. She is not a 'dumb blonde' - she is a 'Light-haired detour off the information superhighway'. 4. She has not 'been around' - she is a 'Previously-enjoyed companion'. 5. She does not 'nag' you - she becomes 'Verbally repetitive.' 6. She is not a 'two-bit hooker' - she is a 'Low cost provider'. How to speak about men and be politically correct: 1. He does not have a 'Beer Gut' - he has developed a 'Liquid grain storage facility'. 2. He is not a 'bad dancer' - he is 'Overly Caucasian'. 3. He does not 'get lost all the time' - he 'Investigates alternative destinations'. 4. He is not 'balding' - he is in 'Follicle Regression'. 5. He does not act like a 'total ass' - he develops a case of 'Rectal-cranial inversion'. 6. It's not his 'crack' you see hanging out of his pants - it's 'Trouser cleavage'. September 13, 2016 1. I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard, and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind. 2. After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, John woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it home safely. 3. Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Para-Olympics after they tested positive for WD40. 4. A teenage boy asks his granny: "Have you seen my pills? They were labeled LSD?" Granny replies: " The hell with the pills, did you see the dragons in the kitchen?" 5. Wife gets naked and asks hubby: "What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?" Hubby looks her up and down and replies: "Your sense of humor!" (Hospital visiting hours are 5:00 to 6:00.) 6. A chap's wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all he did was suggest they should hold auditions for her part. (His viewing will be Saturday from 7:00 till 8:30.) 7. I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster. 8. I woke McDonalds serves breakfast until 10:30. 9. My up this morning at 9:00, and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door. She screamed: "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" I replied: "Oh, so now you want me to stay!" 10. Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. When we went to the fair last night it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel. September 12, 2016 Catholic Dog: Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.' Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?' Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic? Donation: 'This is the IRS. Can you help us?' 'I can!' 'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?' 'I do!' 'Is he a member of your congregation?' 'He is!' 'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?' 'He will.' September 09, 2016 You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve. There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house. You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment. Fewer than half of your cars run. Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass. The primary color of your car is "bondo". You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures. You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by. Your family tree doesn't fork. Your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan. Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event. You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill. More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general. Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed. You've ever used lard in bed. Your home has more miles on it than your car. The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade. The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights. Your brother-in-law is your uncle. Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup. The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones. You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading. You prominently display a gifts bought at Graceland. You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month. The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute". Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board. You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding. Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet. You think that Don Perignon is a Mafia leader. The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the hell are you looking at, Shithead?" You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups. You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug. You've ever used a weed eater indoors. You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run). You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'. You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge. Your richest relative invites you over to his new home to help him remove the wheels. You've ever financed a tattoo. August 12, 2016 A Shot of Whiskey: In the old west a .45 cartridge for a six-gun cost 12 cents, so did a glass of whiskey. If a cowhand was low on cash he would often give the bartender a cartridge in exchange for a drink. This became known as a "shot" of whiskey. The Whole Nine Yards: American fighter planes in WW2 had machine guns that were fed by a belt of cartridges. The average plane held belts that were 27 feet (9 yards) long. If the pilot used up all his ammo he was said to have given it the whole nine yards. Buying the Farm: This is synonymous with dying. During WW1 soldiers were given life insurance policies worth $5,000. This was about the price of an average farm so if you died you "bought the farm" for your survivors. Iron Clad Contract: This came about from the ironclad ships of the Civil War. It meant something so strong it could not be broken. Passing the Buck/the Buck Stops Here: Riff-Raff: The Mississippi River was the main way of traveling from north tosouth. River boats carried passengers and freight but they were expensive so most people used rafts. Everything had the right of way over rafts which were considered cheap. The steering oar on the rafts was called a "riff" and this transposed into riff-raff, meaning low class. Cobweb: The Old English word for "spider" was "cob". Ship State Rooms: Traveling by steamboat was considered the height of comfort. Passenger cabins on the boats were not numbered. Instead they were named after states. To this day cabins on ships are called staterooms. Sleep Tight: Early beds were made with a wooden frame. Ropes were tied across the frame in a criss-cross pattern. A straw mattress was then put on top of the ropes. Over time the ropes stretched, causing the bed to sag. The owner would then tighten the ropes to get a better night's sleep. Showboat: These were floating theaters built on a barge that was pushed by a steamboat. These played small town along the Mississippi River. Unlike the boat shown in the movie "Showboat" these did not have an engine. They were gaudy and attention grabbing which is why we say someone who is being the life of the party is "showboating". Over a Barrel: In the days before CPR a drowning victim would be placed face down over a barrel and the barrel would be rolled back and forth in an effort to empty the lungs of water. It was rarely effective. If you are over a barrel you are in deep trouble. Barge In: Heavy freight was moved along the Mississippi in large barges pushed by steamboats. These were hard to control and would sometimes swing into piers or other boats. People would say they "barged in". Hogwash: Steamboats carried both people and animals. Since pigs smelled so bad they would be washed before being put on board. The mud and other filth that was washed off was considered useless "hog wash". Curfew: The word "curfew" comes from the French phrase "couvre-feu", which means "cover the fire". It was used to describe the time of blowing out all lamps and candles. It was later adopted into Middle English as "curfeu", which later became the modern "curfew". In the early American colonies homes had no real fireplaces so a fire was built in the center of the room. In order to make sure a fire did not get out of control during the night it was required that, by an agreed upon time, all fires would be covered with a clay pot called-a "curfew". Barrels of Oil: When the first oil wells were drilled they had made no provision for storing the liquid so they used water barrels. That is why, to this day, we speak of barrels of oil rather than gallons. Hot off the Press: As the paper goes through the rotary printing press friction causes it to heat up. Therefore, if you grab the paper right off the press it's hot. The expression means to get immediate information. There, don't you feel smarter now? July 20, 2016 Apple computer has developed a computer chip that can store and play Hi Fi music in women’s breast implants. The iTit will cost between $499 and $699.00 depending on speaker size. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their boobs and not listening to them.
July 02, 2016 Sensitivity Training June 23, 2016 The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?" Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze. The first is that I iron better than you." Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?" Maria: "Jor huzban he say so." Wife: "Oh yeah?" Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you." Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?" Maria: "Jor hozban did." Wife increasingly agitated: "Oh he did did he?" Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed." Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth. "And did my husband say that as well?" Maria: "No Señora, the gardener did." Wife: "So how much do you want?" June 20, 2016 Affair: The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.' The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.' The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!' The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!' Lemon Squeeze: There once was a religious young woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.' The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.' The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.' The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.' The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?' The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.' Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?' Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.' Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?' Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic? Donation: Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?' 'This is the IRS. Can you help us?' 'I can!' 'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?' 'I do!' 'Is he a member of your congregation?' 'He is!' 'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?' 'He will.' Confession: An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.' Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?' Man: 'What sins?' Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?' Man: 'I'm Jewish.' Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?' Man: 'I'm 92 years old... I'm telling everybody!' Pest Control: A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. 'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. 'Who are you?' he asked him. 'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator. 'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked. 'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied. 'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband. The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those sneaky little bastards!' June 17, 2016 Tyrone was having trouble in school; his teacher was always yelling at him, "You're driving me crazy, Tyrone; can't you learn anything?" One day Tyrone's mother came to school to see how he was doing. The teacher told her honestly that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and that she had never had such an unmotivated and ignorant boy in her entire teaching career. Tyrone's mom, shocked at the feedback, withdrew her son from school and moved out of Detroit, relocating to Cleveland. 25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with severe cardiac disease and her doctors strongly advised her to have open heart surgery, which only surgeons at the Cleveland Clinic could perform. Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was remarkably successful. She wanted to thank the doctor, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something, but quickly died. The doctor was shocked, wondering what went wrong so suddenly. When the doctor turned around to leave the room, he saw Tyrone, now a janitor at the Clinic, had unplugged the life-support equipment in order to plug in his vacuum cleaner. If you thought that Tyrone had become a heart-surgeon, there is a high likelihood that you will vote for Hillary. June 15, 2016
June 13, 2016 These facts are irrefutable. Be careful, be very careful. A wise person once said: 1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes. 2. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks – PRICELESS. 3. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Fosters, Victoria Bitter, XXXX & Crown Lager. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available. AND 4. I haven't verified this on Snopes or Google but it sounds legit. A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it. June 04, 2016 WHO WILL PAY THE PECKER CHECKER? I have one very important question about the whole anti-LGBT bathroom legislation! Who will pay the Pecker Checker? And how much money will a Pecker Checker make? Do we pay a Pecker Checker by the pecker? One more question! How many peckers can a Pecker Checker check if a Pecker Checker can check peckers? If things get out of hand, so to speak, we can hire PC Restroom Services! Their motto? If you gotta pee, we gotta see! >>>>>>>>>>>>> Here is the complete list of the 31 genders that New York City officially recognizes. You’ll notice in their official document, they leave plenty of room for adding many more genders. So we’ll keep you posted. May 24, 2016
May 23, 2016 Finally this age-old question is answered: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the Nuts? Women always say that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. They are wrong, and here's the proof. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." You NEVER hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." May 20, 2016 I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. Borrow money from pessimists – they don't expect it back. Half the people you know are below average. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain. All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. I almost had a psychic girlfriend... But she left me before we met. OK, so what's the speed of dark? How do you tell when you're out of invisible in? If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now. I intend to live forever... so far, so good. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. What happens if you get scared half to death twice? My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder." Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it. Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work? May 05, 2016 In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy (Dot for short). Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com. And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)." Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent. And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed, he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known, and he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are." And Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the country side. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE). That is how it all began. And that's the truth. I would not make up this stuff. April 25, 2016 There was a Mensa convention in San Francisco. Mensa, as you probably know, is a national organization for people who have an IQ of 140 or higher. Several of the Mensa members went April 24, 2016 A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. One day she asked Johnny what his problem was, and he replied, “I’m too smart for the first grade, my sister in in the third grade and I’m smarter than her too.” The teacher took him to the principal’s office and explained the situation to the principal. The principal told her that he would give Johnny a test, and if he failed to answer one question, he would go back to the first grade and be quiet. The teacher and Johnny both agreed. Principal: “What is 3 x 3?” Johnny: “9” Principal: “6 x 6?” Johnny: “36” And so it went on like this, the principal asked him every question a third grader should know. Finally after about an hour, he told the teacher, “I see no reason Johnny can’t go to the third grade, he answered all of my questions right.” The teacher asked if she could ask him some questions. The principal and Johnny agree. Teacher: “What does a cow have 4 of that I only have 2 of?” Johnny: “Legs” Teacher: “What do you have in your pants that I don’t have?” the principal gasps but before he can stop him from answering, Johnny says, “pockets.” Teacher: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?” Johnny: “Pants” Teacher: What starts with F and ends with K and means a lot of excitement?” Johnny: “Firetruck” The principal breaths a big sigh of relief and says “Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I got the last 4 questions wrong myself!!! April 18, 2016 1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone. 2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any. 3. No one is listening until you fart. 4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else. 5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. 6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments. 7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. 8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. 10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it. 11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. 12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree. 13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time. 14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment. 15. A closed mouth gathers no foot. 16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works. 17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving 18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass ... then things just keep getting worse. 20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. April 16, 2016 Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him: I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy. Just put yourself in my hands for one year, said the shrink. Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears. How much do you charge? One hundred fifty dollars per visit," replied the doctor. I'll sleep on it, I said. Six months later the doctor met me on the street. Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having? He asked. Well, $150 a visit, three times a week for a year, is $23,400.00. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought a new pickup truck. Is that so? With a bit of an attitude he said, and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you? He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now. April 15, 2016 Note: April 15 Is Tax Day, As If Anyone Needs To Be Reminded That is the reason so many are fed up. READ S-L-O-W-L-Y I have never heard this said as simply or as well. The folks who are getting the free stuff don't like And the folks who are paying for the free stuff want the free stuff to stop. And the folks who are getting the free stuff want even more free stuff on top of the free stuff they are already getting! Now, the people who are forcing the people who pay for the free stuff have told the people who are receiving the free stuff that the people who are paying for the free stuff are being mean, prejudiced, and racist. So... The people who are getting the free stuff have been convinced they need to hate the people who are paying for the free stuff by the people who are forcing some people to pay for their free stuff and giving them the free stuff in the first place. We have let the free stuff giving go on for so long that there are now more people getting free stuff than paying for the free stuff. Now understand this. All great democracies have committed financial suicide somewhere between 200 and 250 years after being founded. The reason? The voters figured out they could vote themselves money from the treasury by electing people who promised to give them money from the treasury in exchange for electing them. The United States officially became a Republic in 1776 — 239 years ago. The number of people now getting free stuff outnumbers the people paying for the free stuff. Failure to change that spells the end of the United States as we know it. April 06, 2016 A new American ambassador was being entertained by an African diplomat. They'd spent the day discussing what the country had received from the Russians before the new government kicked them out. "The Russians built us a power plant, a highway, and an airport. Plus, we learned to drink vodka and play Russian roulette." The American frowned. "Russian roulette's not a very nice game." The diplomat smiled. "That's why we developed African roulette. If you want to have good relations with our country, you'll have to play. "I'll show you how." He pushed a buzzer, and a moment later, six magnificently built, nude women were ushered in. "You can choose any one of those women to give you oral sex," he told the American. "That's great," the Ambassador said, "but it doesn't seem much like Russian roulette." "Oh, it is. One of them is a cannibal." March 31, 2016 A sign in a shoe repair store in Vancouver that read: Sign over a gynecologist's office: In a podiatrist's office: At an optometrist's office: On a plumber's truck: On another plumber's truck: At a tire shop in Milwaukee: On an electrician's truck: In a non-smoking area: On a maternity room door: At a car dealership: Outside a muffler shop: In a veterinarian's waiting room: At the electric company: In a restaurant window: In the front yard of a funeral home: At a propane filling station: In a Chicago radiator shop: March 30, 2016 Teacher: How old is your father? March 27, 2016 About that Easter Bunny...
March 22, 2016 You guys MAY have seen this before but it just got sent to me and deserves another look! ANGLO/SAXON WOMEN: ITALIAN WOMEN: IRISH WOMEN: CHINESE WOMEN: INDIAN WOMEN: MEXICAN WOMEN: JEWISH WOMEN: ARAB WOMEN: The POINT? DON'T YOU JUST LOVE THE IRISH? March 20, 2016
March 13, 2016 Transgender Beauty Queen Loses His Title for Wearing Men's Underwear Rachael Bailey, who runs the pageant, has now removed Jai's title and is set to crown another beauty queen, Daisy Bell, the winner after seeing video footage she claims proves Ms Latto is not living as a woman full-time. … The video, which was taken as part of a documentary about the pageant tobe screened online by BBC3 next month, reportedly shows Jai backstage at the Miss Transgender event in Glasgow wearing a pair of boxer shorts. Ms Bailey said: "When Jai entered the competition, she said she was full-time and she is not – she is a drag queen. "The documentary showed [Latto] living as a gay male in [his] boxer shorts. Underwear is very important to transgender females…" For his part, Mr Latto has denounced the pageant, which [he] claims forces transgender women into a female "stereotype" of long hair, tight clothes and lacy underwear. If women don't even have to be women to be women, why should they have to wear women's underwear? Bruce Jenner could not be reached for comment.March 09, 2016 People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is? People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Fuck off. What good is a goddamn cake if you can't eat it? What, should I eat someone else's cake instead? When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No dick nose, I paid $9.00 to come to the theatre and stare at the fucking ceiling up there. What did you come here for? People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya buddy? When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it. When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know asshole, you fucking pulled me over. When people say "Life is short." What the fuck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever fucking does!! What? Are they going to fucking do something that's longer? When people ask "Can I BORROW a piece of paper?" Sure, but please don't return the favor! It's on god damn piece of paper! February 15, 2016 Caustic Humor Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?' Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humor!' The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part. I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it. The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!" January 31, 2016 1. When I was born, I was given a choice – a big pecker or a good memory ... I don't remember which I chose. 2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory. 3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects. 4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..." 5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men – 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together. 6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth. 7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly. 8. Virginity can be cured. 9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity. 10. Having sex is like playing bridge – if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand. 11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small. 12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy. 13. Question: What's an Australian kiss? 14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing. 15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life? 16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? 17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives! January 30, 2016 Beauty is only a light switch away. If life is a waste of time, Fighting for peace is like No matter how good she looks, At the feast of ego It's hard to make a comeback Make love, not war. If voting could really change things, If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Express Lane: You're too good for him. No wonder you always go home alone. ~ and perhaps the most realistic one ~ A Woman's Rule of Thumb: January 26, 2016
Chickens: The only animal you eat before they are born and after they are dead. Committee: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. Dust: Mud with the juice squeezed out. Egotist: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation. Handkerchief: Cold Storage. Inflation: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. Mosquito: An insect that makes you like flies better. Political Correctness: A doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical minority. Secret: A story you tell to one person at a time. Skeleton: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off. Toothache: The pain that drives you to extraction. Tomorrow: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today. Yawn: An honest opinion openly expressed. Wrinkles: Something other people have... similar to my character lines.
January 21, 2016 Clever Words January 11, 2016 A Hotel guest calls the front desk and the clerk answers, "May I help you?" The man says, "Yes, I'm in room 858. You need to send someone to my room immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window." The desk clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal matter." The man replies, "Listen you idiot. The window won't open... and that's a maintenance matter." January 10, 2016 A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo Penis, the door." The Voodoo The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my ass!" January 09, 2016 A Navy Seal walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his new Apple watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No," he replies, "just got this state-of-the-art Apple watch, and I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" He says, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!" The Navy man smirks, taps his watch and says, "Darn thing's an hour fast." And that, my friends... is confidence! January 08, 2016 FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH: DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES? I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN,"WHERE'S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, WOULDN'T IT DEFEAT THE PURPOSE? WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS? IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP? IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION? IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM? WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?" WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT? IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED AND LOSES, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES? WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK? WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS?ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM? IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED? CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS? IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT? WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE SIGNS ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES? HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS? WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD? ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR? IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO? IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO,WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE? WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT? WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"? WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM? WHY IS THERE A FRESHNESS DATE ON SOUR CREAM? IS IT GOING TO TURN GOOD? IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME DIS-ORIENTED? WILL AN ATHEIST'S INSURANCE POLICY PAY FOR ACTS OF GOD? December 21, 2015 Where Did Piss Poor Come From? Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water!" Hence the rhyme: Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old. Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "Bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "Chew the fat." Hence the custom of holding a wake. (maybe this is the origin of the term dead drunk) December 19, 2015 If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines 5 years ago, you would have $49.00 today. If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG 5 years ago, you would have $33.00 today. If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers 5 years ago, you would have $0.00 today. But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for the recycling refund, you would have received $214.00. Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily and recycle. It is called the 401- Keg. And as a bonus... A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that on average Americans drink 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that the average American gets about 41 miles to the gallon! Makes you damned proud to be an American! December 17, 2015 I took down my Rebel flag (which you can't buy on eBay any more) and peeled the NRA sticker off the front door. I disconnected my home alarm system and quit the candy-ass Neighborhood Watch. I bought two Pakistani flags and put one at each corner of the front yard. Then I purchased the black flag of ISIS (which you can buy on eBay) and put it in the center of the yard. Now, the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching my house 24/7. I've never felt safer and I'm saving $69.95 a month. December 16, 2015 An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for a check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said , "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc ?" The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot at the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor. The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver." The doctor replied, "My point exactly." December 14, 2015 Ole, the smoothest-talking Norske in the Minnesota National Guard, got called up to active duty. Ole's first assignment was in a military induction center. Because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about government benefits, especially the GI life insurance, to which they were entitled. The officer in charge soon noticed that Ole was getting a 99% sign-up rate for the more expensive supplemental form of GI insurance. This was remarkable, because it cost these low-income recruits $30 per month for the higher coverage, compared to what the government was already providing at no charge. The officer decided he'd sit in the back of the room at the next briefing and observe Ole's sales pitch.Ole stood up before the latest group of inductees and said, "If you haf da normal GI insurans an' yoo go to Afaghanistan an' get yourself kilt, da governmen' pays yer beneficiary $20,000. If yoo take out da supplemental insurans, vich cost you only t'irty dollars a munt, den da governmen' got ta pay yer beneficiary $200,000!" "Now," Ole concluded, "Vich bunch you tink dey gonna send ta Afaghanistan first?" December 12, 2015 New! Just In Time For Christmas The latest toy has hit the shops:
A Talking Muslim Doll. Nobdy knows what the fuck it says,
December 08, 2015 We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes, but the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes. One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, yet the plural of moose should never be meese. You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice, yet the plural of house is houses, not hice. If the plural of man is always called men, why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen? If I speak of my foot and show you my feet, and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet? If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth? Then one may be that, & three would be those, yet hat in the plural would never be hose. And the plural of cat is cats, not cose. We speak of a brother & also of brethren, but though we say mother, we never say methren. Then the masculine pronouns are he, his & him, but imagine the feminine: she, shis & shim! Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England. We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square; a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. Why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce & hammers don't ham? Doesn't it seem crazy that: You can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends ... And get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all people who speak English, should be in an asylum for the verbally insane. In what other language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital? We ship by truck but send cargo by ship. We have noses that run & feet that smell. We park in a driveway & drive in a parkway. And how can a slim chance & a fat chance be the same, while a wise man & a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down. In which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on. And in closing: If Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop? December 07, 2015 Dear Dad, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom. I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am but it's not only the passion, Dad, she's pregnant. Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren. Your son, Chad P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my desk drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home! December 06, 2015 We always hear "The Rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note. These are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE! 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. 1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 1. Crying is blackmail. 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 1. "Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days. 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one 1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. 1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.. 1. ALL straight men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no fucking idea what Mauve is. 1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really. 1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, football or golf. 1. You have enough clothes. 1. You have too many shoes. 1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape! 1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight. But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping. December 05, 2015 How to maintain a healthy level of insanity in retirement... 1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on, point a hair dryer at passing cars, and watch them slow down! 2. On all your check stubs, write, 'For Marijuana'! 3. Skip down the street rather than walk, and see how many looks you get. 4. With a serious face, order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat. 5. Sing along at The Opera. 6. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream 'I Won! I Won!' 7. When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the car park, yelling, 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!' 8. Tell your children over dinner, 'Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.' 9. Pick up a box of condoms at the pharmacy, go to the counter and ask where the fitting room is. And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity: my favorite... 10. Go to a large department store's fitting room, drop your drawers to your ankles and yell out, "There's no paper in here!" November 30, 2015
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all, right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, ‘Thanks’, and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck. Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, “What was that all about?" She explained, “The egg timer's broken." The eggs were still undercooked… November 29, 2015 One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like heck. I guess I'd better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a new diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars – A lot cheaper than a doctor." So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco. He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Costco." That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure. Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following: 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener, (Aisle 9). 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo, (Aisle 7). 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. G et her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant with twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better! Thank you for shopping @ Costco! November 24, 2015 Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask. A postmortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire. It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire. You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air. Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed. But keep reading.... Still think you're having a bad day? A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors. His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband. While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled petrol with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet. After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched. As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them. They started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm. Still having a bad day? Just remember, it could be worse.. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two hapless protesters were trampled to death. What? Still having a bad day? Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with 'return to sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. There now, feeling better? November 22, 2015 1. Black Lives Matter, but not All Lives Matter. 2. College should be free. 3. Medical treatment should be free. 4. To become an American Citizen just show up here.... 5. The economy sucks and after 7 years in office, it's not Obama's fault. 6. The Middle Class is shrinking and after 7 years in office, it's not Obama's fault. 7. The Average Family income is dropping and after 7 years in office, it's not Obama's fault. 8. Black youths have over a 50% unemployment rate and after 7 years in office it's not Obama's fault. 9. Hispanic youth unemployment is over 35% and after 7 years in office, it's not Obama's fault. 10. 50% of the population is paying 100% of all the taxes and they are still not paying their fair share. 11. Everyone who votes Democrat will work less, make more, get more time off, spend more time with family, pay less taxes, and get more government subsidies. 12. Everyone else does it, and so should we, regardless of the results in other places. 13. Government wants more money to squander on promises already broken. 14. The word "Progressive" is less cringe-worthy than saying you're a Liberal. 15. When America grows up, we want to be Norway, Sweden, or the Netherlands. 16. There's a quagmire in Iraq, Syria and the whole Middle East and Obama's retreating from the area has nothing to do with the situation. 17. Republicans want dirty air, dirty water, oil spills, trash on the streets, polluted oceans, old people without medical treatment, young people without educations, being paid the lowest wages possible, starving children, don't believe in equal rights, were responsible for Jim Crow Laws and not Affirmative action. 18. Snowden and General Petraeus broke laws for releasing and not securing secret documents but Hillary Clinton shares no responsibility. 19. Marijuana cures all diseases. 20. Marijuana smokers are being imprisoned for smoking a joint. 21. If elected, everything will be rainbows and unicorns – just like with Obama. 22. Hillary Clinton does walk on water. 23. Cheaters do prosper. 24. People often cheer stupidity. 25. There are only two candidates given a voice in the Democratic race. 26. Hillary and Bill Clinton were born poor black children. 27. All the qualifications needed to be President is to be a woman. 28. Evil looks like anything white, rich, successful, and productive. 29. You will receive a participation trophy in life. 30. Agreements of any kind should be signed and committed to even if the other agreeing party doesn't live up to its obligations. 31. Everything is still Bush's fault. November 16, 2015 It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of the little Irish pub. An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water. A curious gentleman asked what he was doing. 'Fishing,' replied the old man. 'Poor old bugger' thought the gentleman, so he invited the old man to have a drink in the pub. Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked, 'And how many have you caught today?' 'You're the eighth.' November 15, 2015 The following is attributed to Jeff Foxworthy. You May Be A Communard If...
November 13, 2015 The person who wrote this is a college (law) student. Perhaps there is hope for us after all. Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters, et al: We have stuck together since the late 1950's for the sake of the kids, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course. Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way. Here is a our separation agreement: Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes. We don't like re-distributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU. Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military. We'll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and the coal mines, and you can go with wind, solar and biodiesel. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell. You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them. You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, food stamps, homeless, homeboys, hippies, druggies and illegal aliens. We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's and rednecks. We'll keep Bill O'Reilly, and Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood. You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security. We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N. but we will no longer be paying the bill. We'll keep the SUV's, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Volt and Leaf you can find. You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors. We'll keep "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" and "The National Anthem." I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute "Imagine", "I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing", "Kum Ba Ya" or "We Are the World". We'll practice trickle-down economics and you can continue to give trickle up poverty your best shot. Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our flag. Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like-minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you might think about which one of us will need whose help in 15 years. November 12, 2015 The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected. You can fool all of the people all of the time if the advertising is right and the budget is big enough. Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build bridges, even where there are no rivers. Artificial hearts are nothing new. Politicians have had them for years. Don't vote. You'll only encourage them. Although he is regularly asked to do so, God does not take sides in American politics. A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes. When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators. Crime does not pay — as well as politics. In archaeology you uncover the unknown. In diplomacy you cover the known. –Thomas Pickering When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer 'Present' or 'Not guilty.' Today's public figures can no longer write their own speeches or books, and there is some evidence that they can't read them either. On my arrival in the United States I was struck by the degree of ability among the governed and the lack of it among the governing. Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy. There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you. –Will Rogers Politicians make strange bedfellows, but they all share the same bunk. –Edgar A. Shoaff Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don't have for something they don't need. November 09, 2015 It's all in the mechanics of the conversation: The daughter asks her Dad, "Dad there is something that my boyfriend said to me, that I didn't understand. He said that I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper." Her Dad replied, "You tell your boyfriend that if he opens your hood and tries to check your oil with his dipstick, I will tighten his nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start leaking out of his exhaust pipe." November 05, 2015 One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?' Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.' The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?' * 'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.' * Yes,' the class said. 'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?' A little fellow shouted, 'Cause your feet ain't empty.' * Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.' October 30, 2015
October 28, 2015 Husband goes with his wife to her high school reunion. After meeting several of her friends and former school mates, they are sitting at a table where he is yawning and overly bored. The band cranks up and people are beginning to dance. There's a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing, moon walking, back flips, buying drinks for people, the works. Wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 40 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down." Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!" October 27, 2015 How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? Some people are like Slinkys ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs. Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks. A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?" Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ? Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas! Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip. Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure. I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water. You're never too old to learn something stupid. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it. If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child? Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. Dictionary-ready additions ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye. CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people. CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead. COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out. EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation. HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage. INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better. RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn. SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time. SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off. TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction. TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today. YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed. WRINKLES: Something other people have, similar to my character lines. October 26, 2015 ROMANCE Barb was lying in bed one night. Art was falling asleep but Barb was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck." Angrily, Art threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" Barb asked. "To get my teeth!" OLD FRIENDS Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?" SENIOR DRIVING As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Vernon, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on I-25. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Vernon, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!" DRIVING Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to major crossroad. The stop light was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?" October 23, 2015 Wonder where this Urologist is located? An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor. The female doctor says "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate take a deep breath and say '99'.” The old guy obeys and says "99". Again, the old guy says '99'. The doctor says, “Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say '99'. The old guy begins, One...two...three... October 21, 2015 Received this email from our German friends in Hamburg. Wow, much to absorb in this! Take your time and read to the end. So glad now that I learned English as a first language! My Berlin born mother used to tell me that English was the most difficult of the languages she knew. This would be exhibit 1 in her argument. But from what I know of Mandarin, the Chinese also have words that look alike but sound different for a different meaning. You think English is easy? I think a retired English teacher was bored and came up with this! Read all the way to the end. This took a lot of work to put together! 1) The bandage was wound around the wound. 2) The farm was used to produce produce. 3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse. 4) We must polish the Polish furniture. 5) He could lead if he would get the lead out. 6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert. 7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present 8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum. 9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. 10) I did not object to the object. 11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid. 12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row. 13) They were too close to the door to close it. 14) The buck does funny things when the does are present. 15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line. 16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. 17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail. 18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear. 19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. 20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend? Let's face it – English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. PS: Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick'? October 17, 2015 THE NICE MAN Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here." A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!" Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk. The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student, was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote: 1) It is perfect formula for the child. 2) It provides immunity against several diseases. 3) It is always the right temperature. 4) It is inexpensive. 5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa. 6) It is always available as needed. And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote: 7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it. He got an A. WISE ITALIAN GRANDFATHER: An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ...38 revolver so you will always remember me." "But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?" "You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. " "Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then – point at your watch and say times up?" A RIDE IN THE TAXI A woman and her twelve-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings. "Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?" "They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied. The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the Truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money." The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?" His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes". After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?" "She said" "Most of them become taxi drivers." October 14, 2015 Because of his laziness, stupidity and clumsiness, his teacher was always yelling at him, "You're driving me crazy, Tyrone." One day Tyrone's mama came to school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mama that, honestly, her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and that she had never seen such a stupid boy in her entire teaching career. The mom was so shocked at the feedback that she withdrew her son from school and moved out of Detroit, relocating to Cleveland. 25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an almost incurable cardiac disease. All the doctors strongly advised her to have open heart surgery, which only one surgeon at the Cleveland Clinic could perform. Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful. When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome young doctor smiling down at her. She wanted to thank him but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue. She raised her hand, trying to tell him something but quickly died. The doctor was shocked, wondering what went wrong so suddenly. Then he turned around and saw our friend, Tyrone, a janitor in the Clinic, who had unplugged the life support equipment in order to connect his vacuum cleaner. If you thought Tyrone had become a heart surgeon, there is a high likelihood that you voted for Obama. October 11, 2015 I created a chart to ensure that budding journalists understand how to properly frame a story involving any type of shooting, terror attack, or other violent crime. Remember that the job of the Objective Journalist™ is not to tell the audience what happened, but to expand the event into an indictment of Western culture.
October 10, 2015 An Obituary printed in the London Times... Absolutely Brilliant! Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: * Knowing when to come in out of the rain; Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims and everything was politically correct. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault. Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death, by: * His parents, * Truth and Trust; He is survived by his 5 stepbrothers: * I Know My Rights; October 09, 2015
October 08, 2015 A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake." October 07, 2015 A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?" "No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't." "Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered. Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules." The man asked, "And, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20." "That's more like it!" the union man said. He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde. "I'd like her," he said. "I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next!" October 03, 2015 Mary, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing! Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing. Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mary's house, walked home and left it there all night. You gotta love Frank! September 29, 2015 AS I AGE, I REALIZE THAT: 2. Sometimes I roll my eyes out loud. September 28, 2015 A guy sat in the barber's chair, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine..." She said, "You tell him; you're closer." September 20, 2015 The Goldberg Brothers - The Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner. Here's a little fact for automotive buffs, or just to dazzle your friends. The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946 , the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees. The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter. Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car. They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately. The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent. The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed. Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Jewish, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords. They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown. And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show – Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max – on the controls. September 17, 2015 1. Now on sale at IKEA - lesbian beds, no nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove. 2. A Muslim has been shot in the head with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related. 3. Due to a water shortage in California, the Los Angeles public swimming pools have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8. 4. Bobby thought his new girlfriend might be the one but after looking through her underwear drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman's uniform, he finally decided if she can't hold down a job, she's not for him. 5. I got fired from my job as a bingo caller the other day apparently, 'A meal for two with a terrible view' isn't the best way to announce number 69. 6. Jose is doing some roofing work for Murphy. He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and going dizzy. He calls down to Murphy and says "I tink I will ave to go home, I've come all over giddy and feel sick." 7. After 100 years lying on the seabed, divers were amazed to find that the Titanic's swimming pool was still full. September 17, 2015 America is a melting pot, we all had the same parents. 1. My mother taught me to appreciate a job done well. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning." 2. My mother taught me religion. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet." 3. My father taught me about time travel. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!" 4. My father taught me logic. "Because I said so, that's why." 5. My mother taught me more logic. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me." 6. My mother taught me foresight. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident." 7. My father taught me irony. "Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about". 8. My mother taught me about the science of osmosis. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper." 9. My mother taught me about contortionism. "Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!" 10. My mother taught me about stamina. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone." 11. My mother taught me about weather. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it." 12. My mother taught me about hypocrisy. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!" 13. My father taught me the circle of life. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out." 14. My mother taught me about behavior modification. "Stop acting like your father!" 15. My mother taught me about envy. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do." 16. My mother taught me about anticipation. "Just wait until we get home." 17. My mother taught me about receiving. "You are going to get it from your father when you get home!" 18. My mother taught me medical science. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way." 19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?" 20. My father taught me humor. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." 21. My mother taught me how to become an adult. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up." 22. My mother taught me genetics. "You're just like your father." 23. My mother taught me about my roots. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?" 24. My mother taught me wisdom. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand. 25. My father taught me about justice. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"September 08, 2015
August 21, 2015 I got this off an Email: Want a cheap home security system with no monthly fees? Try what I did. We took down our Rebel flag and peeled the NRA sticker off the front door. We’ve disconnected our home alarm system and quit our candy-ass Neighborhood Watch. Bought two Pakistani flags on eBay and raised them in the front yard, one at each corner, plus a black flag of ISIS in the center. Now, the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all protecting the house 24/7. I’ve never felt safer. August 16, 2015 On The Road With Bill Clinton Bill Clinton goes jogging and along his route a very pretty street walker sees him. The attraction is instant and mutual.
August 15, 2015 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
August 14, 2015 Things that I trust more than Hillary Clinton: * Mexican tap water * A rattlesnake with a "pet me" sign * OJ Simpson showing me his knife collection * A fart when I have diarrhea * An elevator ride with Ray Rice * Taking pills offered by Bill Cosby * Michael Jackson's Doctor * An Obama Nuclear deal with Iran * A Palestinian on a motorcycle * Gas station Sushi * A Jimmy Carter economic plan * Brian Williams news reports * Loch Ness monster sightings * Prayers for peace from Al Sharpton THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO ST. TITLEIST 1. Eighteen holes of match play will teach you more about your foe than 18 years of dealing with him across a desk. –Grantland Rice 2. Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five. –John Updike 3. It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf. –Robert Lynd 4. If profanity had any influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is. –Horace G. Hutchinson 5. They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. Golf is more complicated than that. –Gardner Dickinson 6. If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork as poorly as they do a golf club, they'd starve to death. –Sam Snead 7. Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness. –William Wordsworth 8. If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt. –Dean Martin 9. If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don't have to waste energy going back to pick it up. –Tommy Bolt 10. Man blames fate for all other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole-in-one. -Bishop Sheen 11. I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up sliced. –Arnold Palmer 12. My handicap? Woods and irons. –Chris Codiroli 13. The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flag stick on top. –Pete Dye 14. I'm hitting the woods just great; but having a terrible time getting out of them! –Buddy Hackett 15. The only time my prayers are never answered is playing golf. –Billy Graham 16. If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. –Jack Lemmon 17. It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling. –Mark Twain 18. Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty. –Harry Vardon 19. Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at either of them. –Jimmy DeMaret 20. May thy ball lie in green pastures, and not in still waters. –Ben Hogan 21. If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook. If I hit it straight, it's a miracle. –All Us Hackers 22. The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie. –George Deukmejian And Finally... 23. Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe. –Lee Trevino August 12, 2015 Southern Exposure Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes, and it has become obvious that what they need are "Southern" symbols: OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20) Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies. CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19) Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he's motivated and has lots of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful. They can erupt like Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra. BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - Mar 20) You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it. MOON PIE (Mar 21 - Apr 20) You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It's a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Or maybe not. POSSUM (Apr 21 - May 21) When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don't-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won't work and you may find your problems actually running you over. CRAWFISH (May 22 - June 21) Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living room. You tend to be not particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads. COLLARDS (June 22 - July 23) Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the "melting pot" of life and share their essence with the essence of those round them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache. CATFISH (July 24 - Aug 23) Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one's whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies. GRITS (Aug 24 - Sept 23) Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things that serves you well. BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23) You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best - your friends and loved ones - may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you. BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 - Nov 22) Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies. ARMADILLO (Nov 23 - Dec 21) You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another mating possibility. August 05, 2015 Zen Teachings 1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just leave me alone. 2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any. 3. No one is listening until you pass wind. 4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else. 5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. 6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of payments. 7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. 8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. 10. If you lend someone 20 bucks and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it. 11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. 12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree. 13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time. 14. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and most of that comes from bad judgment. 15. A closed mouth gathers no foot. 16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one of them works. 17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving. 18. When you are dead, you don't know that you are dead. It's difficult only for others. It is the same when you are stupid. August 04, 2015 Stress Management A young lady confidently walked around the room while leading and explaining stress management to an audience with a raised glass of water. Everyone knew she was going to ask the ultimate question, 'half empty or half full?' She fooled them all. "How heavy is this glass of water?" she inquired with a smile. Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz. She replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance. In each case it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes." She continued, "and that's the way it is with stress. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on." "As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden - holding stress longer and better each time practiced. So, as early in the evening as you can, put all your burdens down. Don't carry them through the evening and into the night. 1. Accept the fact that some days you're the pigeon and some days you're the statue! 2. Always keep your words soft and sweet just in case you have to eat them. 3. Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it. 4. Drive carefully... It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker. 5. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. 6. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. 7. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. 8. Never buy a car you can't push. 9. Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on. 10. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. 11. Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late. 12. The second mouse gets the cheese. 13. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 14. Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live. 15. Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once. 16. We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box. 17. A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour. 18. Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought about you today. AND MOST IMPORTANTLY 19. Save the earth. It's the only planet with chocolate! August 01, 2015 Ladies Adult Learning Center Men Teaching Classes for Women at Registration must be completed Note: Due to the complexity and difficulty level of their contents, class sizes will be limited to 8 participants maximum. Class 1: Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat; Step by step, with slide presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs. beginning at 7:00 PM. Class 2: Which Takes More Energy – Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?: Round table discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours. Class 3: Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping? – Group Debate; Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours. Class 5: Curling Irons – Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet? – Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning At 7:00 PM Class 6: How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program – Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM Class 7: Can a Bath or Shower Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos? Open Forum; Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours. Class 8: Health Watch – They Make Medicine for PMS – USE IT! Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours. Class 9: I Was Wrong and He Was Right! – Real Life Testimonials. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined. Class 10: How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim. Driving Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours. Class 11: Learning to Live – How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield. Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined. Class 12: How to Shop by Yourself. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM. From Guys in the Witness Protection Program July 29, 2015 The Gynecologist Vist I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor’s office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn’t going to be able to make the full effort.So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment. I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I’m sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, “My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven’t we?” I didn’t respond. After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal... Some shopping, cleaning, and cooking. After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, “Mommy, where’s my washcloth?” I told her to get another one from the cupboard. She replied, “No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.” Never going back to that doctor again……….. Never July 27, 2015 The Purina Diet So I'm at WalMart buying a bag of Purina Dog Chow for my dog. While in the check-out line, a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. Why else would I be buying dog food, RIGHT??? I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard. Better watch what you ask me, and be prepared for my answer. I have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say. July 26, 2015 Nostalgia Hollywood Squares: These great questions and answers are from the days when 'Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course. Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat? Q. Do female frogs croak? Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be? Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years. Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married? Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'? Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'? Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking? Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather? Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year? Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score? Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other? Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet? Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls? Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do? Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it? Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do? Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex? Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed? July 22, 2015 How To Destroy Your Cell Phone
July 16, 2015 Freedoms
July 07, 2015 Cowboy Wisdom
Cowboy rules for: Arizona, Texas, Oklahoma, Colorado, New Mexico, Wyoming, Montana, Utah, Nebraska, Idaho, Nevada, and the rest of the "Wild West "are as follows: 1. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot. 2. Turn your cap right, your head ain't crooked. 3. Let's get this straight: it's called a 'gravel road.' I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're gonna get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way. 4. They are cattle. That's why they smell like cattle. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-10 & I-40 go east and west, I-17 & I-15 goes north and south. Pick one and go. 5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 Combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year. 6. Every person in the Wild West waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept. 7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of geese/pheasants/ducks/doves are comin' in during a hunt, we WILL shoot it outta your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time. 8. Yeah. We eat trout, salmon, deer and elk. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop. 9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November. 10. We open doors for women. That's applied to all women, regardless of age. 11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak, or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham and turkey. 12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup! Oh, yeah... We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI! 13. You bring 'Coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair. 14. College and High School Football is as important here as the Giants, the Yankees, the Mets, the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch. 15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards - it spooks the fish. 16. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers! Refer back to #1! A true Westerner will send this to at least 10 others and a few new friends that probably won't get it, but we're friendly so we share in hopes you can begin to understand what a real life is all about! July 07, 2015 Going Bananas Gwen was one of those UGLY women that she never had a boyfriend. So she went to a psychic for help. Honey! - said the psychic. You will not have luck in love in this life. But after death, you will be a much desired woman and all men will fall at your feet. Gwen left very happy and so excited, as she went over a bridge she thought: "The sooner I die, the sooner my next life begins” She decided to jump off the bridge right away. But, incredibly Gwen didn't die! She fell on the back of a truck full of bananas; she lost her senses and fainted. As soon as she recovered, still drowsy and not being able to see very well, and not knowing where she was, and thinking she'd died, she started touching her surroundings, feeling all the bananas she mumbled with a huge smile on her face and said: "GENTLEMEN, PLEASE!,… ONE AT A TIME!" June 30, 2015 There's A Sign Post Up Ahead, Dudes On the road to Neuterville, at the Eunuch county line.
Don't turn down this road! June 27, 2015 Hallmark Moments 10 Scientific Reasons Proving Drinking Beer Is Actually Good For YouMothers, girlfriends and wives – listen up! I know you tell us men all the time that too much beer is bad for your body, and you’re probably right. But what you didn’t know is that beer can actually be good for you in many instances. This puts a big fly in the ointment, doesn’t it? I know it’s going to take some serious scientific muscle flexing for me to convince you, I’m not stupid. But what if I started by saying that the legendary ‘beer belly’ we’re all worried out might not be a real thing… Interest peaked? Here are 10 scientific reasons which show that beer is actually good for you. 1. It actually makes you live longer 2. Sod dieting, beer makes you THIN 3. It even fights the big C 4. Beer can keep your brain sharp apparently 5. The ‘beer belly’ is a myth 6. It stops kidney stones, thank the lord! 7. Calories? What calories? 8. Hoppier beers can stave off Alzheimer’s 9. Beer is CHOCK FULL of vitamins 10. Step aside Mr. Cow, because beer makes your bones stronger June 25, 2015 Hallmark Moments Bad day at Hallmark Heard your wife left you, Looking back over the years Congratulations on your wedding day! I've always wanted to have I must admit, you brought Religion into my life. Congratulations on your promotion. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! When we were together, Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. So your daughter's a hooker, June 22, 2015 Abbott And Costello On Math
June 21, 2015 Senior Moments When You're Over 70
June 12, 2015 Beer vs Vaginas 1.Beer is always wet. Vagina needs a little work. June 09, 2015 Piss Test An old man is met by his attorney, and is told he is going to be audited. He rides to the IRS office with his attorney, and when he gets there, he begins to talk with the IRS agent. “I bet $2,000 I can bite my own eye!” The old man says. The IRS agent agrees to the bet, believing it an impossible task. The old man laughs, pulls out his glass eye, and bites it. The IRS agent is pissed. The old man bets $3,000 he can bite his other eye. The IRS agent knows there’s no way possible to do this, so he takes the bet. The old man cackles, pulls out his dentures, and bites his eye. Down $5000 the IRS agent is fuming! Then the old man finally wagers, “I bet $20,000 I can stand on the far side of your desk, pee over the desk, and get it into your wastebasket, without missing a single drop.” The agent knows he won’t be able to this and knows he’ll win this one for sure! The old man indeed misses, peeing all over the desk, and on the paperwork. The IRS agent jumps for joy, but then notices the old man’s attorney over in the corner freaking out. “Are you all right dude?” asks the agent. “HELL NO! On the way over here, the old man bet me $400,000 he could pee on your desk and you’d be happy about it!” June 06, 2015 DUI? Study the picture first and then read the story.
This happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk. A French policeman stops the Englishman's car and asks if he has been drinking. With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married that morning, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception, and many single malts scotches thereafter. Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcohol-test (breath test) the Englishman and verifies that he is indeed totally sloshed. He asks the Englishman if he knows why, under French Law, he is going to be arrested. The Englishman answers with a bit of humor, "No sir, I do not! But while we're asking questions, do you realize that this is a British car and that my wife is driving on the other side?" May 25, 2015 Handy Man?
May 20, 2015 From A Grateful Immigarant It looks like we did some good after all! On Saturday, July 24th, 2010 the town of Prescott Valley, AZ, hosted a Freedom Rally. Quang Nguyen was asked to speak on his experience of coming to America and what it means. He spoke the following in dedication to all Vietnam Veterans. Thought you might enjoy hearing what he had to say: I just want you all to know that the American dream does exist and I am living the American dream. I was asked to speak to you about my experience as a first generation Vietnamese-American, but I'd rather speak to you as an American. If you hadn't noticed, I am not white and I feel pretty comfortable with my people. I am a proud U.S. citizen and here is my proof. It took me 8 years to get it, waiting in endless lines, but I got it, and I am very proud of it. I still remember the images of the Tet offensive in 1968, I was six years old. Now you might want to question how a 6-year-old boy could remember anything. Trust me, those images can never be erased. I can't even imagine what it was like for young American soldiers, 10,000 miles away from home, fighting on my behalf. 35 years ago, I left South Vietnam for political asylum. The war had ended. At the age of 13, I left with the understanding that I may or may not ever get to see my siblings or parents again. I was one of the first lucky 100,000 Vietnamese allowed to come to the U.S. Somehow, my family and I were reunited 5 months later, amazingly, in California. It was a miracle from God. If you haven't heard lately that this is the greatest country on earth, I am telling you that right now. It was the freedom and the opportunities presented to me that put me here with all of you tonight. I also remember the barriers that I had to overcome every step of the way. My high school counselor told me that I cannot make it to college due to my poor communication skills. I proved him wrong. I finished college. You see, all you have to do is to give this little boy an opportunity and encourage him to take and run with it. Well, I took the opportunity and here I am. This person standing tonight in front of you could not exist under a socialist/communist environment. By the way, if you think socialism is the way to go, I am sure many people here will chip in to get you a one-way ticket out of here. And if you didn't know, the only difference between socialism and communism is an AK-47 aimed at your head. That was my experience. In 1982, I stood with a thousand new immigrants, reciting the Pledge of Allegiance and listening to the National Anthem for the first time as an American. To this day, I can't remember anything sweeter and more patriotic than that moment in my life. Fast forwarding, somehow I finished high school, finished college, and like any other goofball 21 year old kid, I was having a great time with my life. I had a nice job and a nice apartment in Southern California. In some way and somehow, I had forgotten how I got here and why I was here. One day I was at a gas station, I saw a veteran pumping gas on the other side of the island. I don't know what made me do it, but I walked over and asked if he had served in Vietnam . He smiled and said yes. I shook and held his hand. The grown man began to well up. I walked away as fast as I could and at that very moment, I was emotionally rocked. This was a profound moment in my life. I knew something had to change in my life. It was time for me to learn how to be a good citizen. It was time for me to give back. You see, America is not just a place on the map, it isn't just a physical location. It is an ideal, a concept. And if you are an American, you must understand the concept, you must accept this concept, and most importantly, you have to fight and defend this concept. This is about Freedom and not free stuff. And that is why I am standing up here. Brothers and sisters, to be a real American, the very least you must do is to learn English and understand it well. In my humble opinion, you cannot be a faithful patriotic citizen if you can't speak the language of the country you live in. Take this document of 46 pages - last I looked on the Internet, there wasn't a Vietnamese translation of the U.S. Constitution. It took me a long time to get to the point of being able to converse and until this day, I still struggle to come up with the right words. It's not easy, but if it's too easy, it's not worth doing. Before I knew this 46-page document, I learned of the 500,000 Americans who fought for this little boy. I learned of the 58,000 names scribed on the black wall at the Vietnam Memorial. You are my heroes. You are my founders. At this time, I would like to ask all the Vietnam veterans to please stand. I thank you for my life. I thank you for your sacrifices, and I thank you for giving me the freedom and liberty I have today. I now ask all veterans, firefighters, and police officers, to please stand. On behalf of all first generation immigrants, I thank you for your services and may God bless you all. Quang Nguyen "God Bless America " For those who understand, no explanation is needed.
May 13, 2015 Royal Navy New Ships and Guidelines Nearer the truth than you may think!) The Royal Navy is proud to announce its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers: Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from the European Union in Brussels, renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence. The next five ships are to be HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist. Costing £850 million each, they comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights laws. The Royal Navy fully expects any future enemy to be jolly decent and to comply with the same high standards of behaviour. The new user-friendly crow's nest has excellent wheelchair access. Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims. Stress counselors and lawyers will be on board, as will a full sympathetic industrial tribunal. The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and will contain the correct balance of race, gender, sexuality and disability. Sailors will only work a maximum of 37 hours per week as per Brussels Rules on Working Hours, even in wartime. All the vessels are equipped with a maternity ward, a creche and a gay disco. Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but recreational cannabis will be allowed in wardrooms and messes. The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for "Rum, sodomy and the lash" so out has gone the rum ration, replaced by sparkling water. Sodomy remains, now extended to include all ratings under 18. The lash will still be available on request. Saluting of officers is now considered elitist and has been replaced by "Hello Sailor". All information on notice boards will be in 37 different languages and Braille. Crew members will now no longer have to ask permission to grow beards and/or moustaches. This applies equally to female crew. The MoD is inviting suggestions for a "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign may offend minorities. The Union Jack must never be seen. The newly re-named HMS Cautious will be commissioned shortly by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull. She will gently slide into the sea as the Royal Marines Band plays the Village People's "In the Navy". Her first deployment will be to escort boatloads of illegal immigrants to ports on England's south coast. The Prime Minister said, "Our ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking and they will always be able to comply with any new legislation from Brussels " His final words were, "Britannia waives the rules." May 10, 2015 Smarty Pants? A young boy enters the barbershop and the barber whispers to his customer… We have all run into people who think they’ve got it all figured out. Some even brag to others about how smart they are and how dumb everyone else is. And it’s always fun to see them get played. Like this … A young boy enters a barbershop… the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch.” The barber puts a dollar in one open palm and two quarters in the other and asks the kid, “Which do you want?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” says the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why’d you take the quarters and not the dollar?” he asks. The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game’s over!” (H/T The Federalist Papers Project) This joke is funny because the boy is the real genius who understands human nature and is motivated by what motivates a lot of little kids — free ice cream. He was definitely smarter than he looked and it wouldn’t be surprising to see the government come after entrepreneurial kids like this and offer them jobs because they are pretty good at taking other people’s money — a little bit at a time. May 09, 2015 Dear Abby... Dear Clueless: May 07, 2015 The Benefactor That cabby is one smart dude... A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees. Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man! The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money: HE paid for the Porsche I gave you. HE paid for our new cabin cruiser. HE paid for your football season tickets. HE paid for our house at the lake. HE paid for your Hawaiian golf vacation. HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!' Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?' The cabby replies, 'Me? I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches a cold!!'May 05, 2015 Meanwhile, While The City Burned...
May 04, 2015 Church Ladies With Type Writers No punch lines needed. They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank Goodness for the church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services: May 04, 2015 Tyrone None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity and clumsiness, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him, "You're driving me mad,Tyrone." All the doctors strongly advised her to have heart surgery, which only one surgeon at the Cleveland Clinic could perform. When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome young doctor smiling down at her. May 03, 2015 The Unhappy Golfer A man lost an arm when his golf cart rolled over on him on a down slope. He became very depressed because he loved to play golf. One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide and end it all. April 23, 2015
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April 02, 2015 The Irish Painter And The Gallery A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery was staring at a portrait that had them totally confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a park bench. Two of the men had black penises, but the one seated in the middle, had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized the confused couple were having trouble with interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on and on explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominantly white, patriarchal society. “In fact”, he pointed out, “some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression expressed by gay men in a contemporary society”. After the curator left, an Irish man approached the couple and said, “Would you like to know what the painting is really about?” “Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the Gallery?” asked the couple. “Because I’m the guy who painted it,” he replied. “In fact, there is no African-American representation at all. They’re just three Irish coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.” March 27, 2015 The Rumor An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family." No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again, all was quiet. Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets." The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared. March 26, 2015 An Oldie But Goodie 1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences.. He thought he was God and I didn't. 2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every damn minute of it. 3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.. 4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. 6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me. 7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. 10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck- is-the-room- spinning medicine. 12. God must love stupid people; He made so many. 13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. 14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. 15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? 16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it! 17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.. 18. Procrastinate Now! 19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That? 20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. 21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance. 22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere! 23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken. 24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD. 25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory. 26. Ham and eggs... A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. 27. The trouble with life is there's no background music. 28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson. 29. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on. March 25, 2015 The Italian Wedding Test I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year. So we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me. I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. She never did it around anyone else. One day she called me and asked me to come over. 'To check my Sister's wedding- invitations' she said. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me. She couldn't overcome them anymore. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married. She said "Before you commit your life to my sister". Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom" she said, "if you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me". I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment. Then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lord and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car. March 22, 2015 Redneck Wedding Night So a couple from Kintucky gets married and the father of the groom is sitting reading the paper when his son bursts in and the father asks "son why are you are here shouldn't you be on your honeymoon with your new wife?" To which the son responds "Well I couldn't consummate the marriage since she is virgin" The father responds "That's great why would you leave something like that?" The son then says "If she's not good enough for her brother she damn sure ain't good enough for me!" March 15, 2015 Your Call A man went to the hospital in Toronto to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis. According to the nurse attending the operation, the patient's girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket. She didn't know he was married and she was so mad she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep. I don't know which is worse: OR 3) Finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring. Tough call. You decide. March 14, 2015 How I Lost My Teeth I was in the Texas Rose last night, at the bar waiting for a beer, when a butt-ugly, big old heifer in spandex came up behind me, and slapped me on the butt. She said, “Hey sexy, how about giving me your number.” I looked at her and said, ”Have you got a pen?” She said, “I sure do.” I said, “ Well, you better get back in it before the farmer notices you’re missing.” My dental surgery is on Monday. March 13, 2015 A Correct Anthropological Theory Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter. The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. Beer required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These two were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: 1. Liberals. 2. Conservatives. Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement. Other men who were less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men evolved into women. Others became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy Liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that Conservatives provided. Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass for obvious reasons. Modern Liberals like lite beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish and like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard Liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: many Liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most college professors, social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, film makers in Hollywood, group therapists and community organizers are Liberals. Liberals meddled in our national pastime and invented the designated-hitter rule because they thought it wasn't fair to make the pitcher bat. Conservatives drink real beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living. Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the Liberals remained in Europe when Conservatives were coming to America. The Liberals crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing. Here ends today's lesson in world history. It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to this post. A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be shared immediately to other true believers and to just piss off more liberals. March 11, 2015 Divine Inspiration A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car. The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut. The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair ... and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair. You are going to love the Dad's reply: To this his father replied, 'Did you also notice they walked everywhere they went?' March 10, 2015 Word Play Did I read that sign right? In a Laundromat: In a London department store: In an office: In an office: Outside a secondhand shop: Notice in health food shop window: Spotted in a safari park: Seen during a conference: Notice in a farmer's field: Message on a leaflet: On a repair shop door: Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say? Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says Police Begin Campaign to Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over War Dims Hope for Peace If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges New Study of Obesity Looks for Astronaut Takes Blame for Kids Make Nutritious Snacks Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors And the winner is... Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead March 07, 2015 A Cowboy Tombstone Here are the Five Rules for Men to Follow for a Happy Life that Russell J. Larsen had inscribed on his headstone in Logan, Utah. He died not knowing that he would win the 'Coolest Headstone' contest. FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE: 1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job. 2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh. 3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you. 4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you. 5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me. March 05, 2015 Five Best Things to Say If You Get Caught Sleeping at Your Desk: No. 5: They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen. No. 4: This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time-management course you sent me to. No. 3: 'Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-out. You probably got here just in time! No. 2: Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close? No. 1: (And MY all time Favorite): Best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk: (Raising your head slowly) '... in Jesus' name, Amen . *Publisher's Note: If you really want to get your bosses attention, make sure PIG's Homepage is displayed and at that point you'll either get fired on the spot or be in line for that juicy promotion. March 04, 2015 Smart Asses Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves and display racks set up. One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling." Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, "What are you sellin' here?" One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes." Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well. Only two left." March 03, 2015 The Ultimate Blonde Joke A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it.' The driver finally found a aquare mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop..." February 28, 2015 The Hillbilly Vasectomy After their 11th child, a Kentucky couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Kentucky) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.' The Kentuckian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me'. 'Trust me,' said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count! "1" At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand. February 24, 2015 Two Friends In Heaven SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda. WANDA: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die? SYLVIA: I froze to death. WANDA: How horrible! SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. SYLVIA: So, what happened? WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died. SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer --- we'd both still be alive. February 21, 2015 Bent Over
February 18, 2015 Irish Fun • Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will clobber any man who does. • Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk. • The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent. • An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?" "Who told you that?" asked Paddy. • Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple? • Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty." • Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?" • Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?" • Question – What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife? • Finnegan: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her of it. Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time? Finnegan: Waitin' for me to come home. • Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. "Quick!" he said. "Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!" "Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked. "No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'." • "O'Ryan," asked the druggist, "Did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?" "It did surely," replied O'Ryan, "but it keeps fallin' off!" • My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine having to give up your sex life and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs? February 17, 2015 Why Carry A Gun? My old Grandpa said to me, 'Son, there comes a time in every man's life when he stops bustin' knuckles and starts bustin' caps and usually it's when he becomes too old to take an ass whoopin'.' I don't carry a gun to kill people; I carry a gun to keep from being killed. I don't carry a gun to scare people; I carry a gun because sometimes this world can be a scary place. I don't carry a gun because I'm paranoid; I carry a gun because there are real threats in the world. I don't carry a gun because I'm evil; I carry a gun because I have lived long enough to see the evil in the world. I don't carry a gun because I hate the government; I carry a gun because I understand the limitations of government. I don't carry a gun because I'm angry; I carry a gun so that I don't have to spend the rest of my life hating myself for failing to be prepared. I don't carry a gun because I want to shoot someone; I carry a gun because I want to die at a ripe old age in my bed and not on a sidewalk somewhere tomorrow afternoon. I don't carry a gun because I'm a cowboy; I carry a gun because, when I die and go to Heaven, I want to be a cowboy. I don't carry a gun to make me feel like a man; I carry a gun because men know how to take care of themselves and the ones they love. I don't carry a gun because I feel inadequate; I carry a gun because unarmed and facing three armed thugs, I am inadequate. I don't carry a gun because I love it; I carry a gun because I love life and the people who make it meaningful to me. Police protection is an oxymoron: Free citizens must protect themselves because police do not protect you from crime; they just investigate the crime after it happens and then call someone in to clean up the mess. Personally, I carry a gun because I'm too young to die and too old to take an ass whoopin'!February 16, 2015 Self-Examination For Alzheimer's Disease It takes less than 15 seconds.. If you are over 45 yrs old, you SHOULD take this Alzheimer's Test. How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks? You got all 6 wrong....didn't you? Congratulations. You do NOT have Alzheimer's You are a pervert February 15, 2015 Good News/Bad News A lawyer says to a wealthy art collector tycoon, "I have some good news and I have some bad news." February 14, 2015 Types Of Sex PENSION SEX LOUD SEX My dear,' the shrink said, 'that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is.' 'The problem is,' she complained, 'it wakes me up!' QUIET SEX CONFOUNDED SEX The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. 'Well, what have the two of you decided?' asked the doctor. 'She'd rather remodel the kitchen.' WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX Yeah,' she replies, 'when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Husband – Stiff At Last.' ' WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX ELDERLY SEX Brought before the court on the charge of murder. The judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense. She began coolly, 'Yes, your honor. I figured that at 92, if he could have sex... he could also fly.' February 09, 2015 The Hollywood Squares Revisited These great questions and answers are from the days when Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now! Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat? Q. Do female frogs croak? Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be? Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years? Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married? Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'? Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking? Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather? Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year? Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score? Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet? Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls? Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do? Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do? Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed? February 08, 2015 The Ski Trip Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!" February 07, 2015 Random Thoughts Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller? Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet... I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks! I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off! Old age is coming at a really bad time! When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment... now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation! My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work. Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper. The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes". I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week. When did it change from "We the people" to "screw the people"? I've lost my mind and I'm pretty sure my wife took it! Even duct tape can't fix stupid... but it can muffle the sound! Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway? Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice. Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud? At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for. February 06, 2015 The Old Blind Cowboy An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar bar by mistake. He fings his way to a bar stooland orders a Jack Daniels. After sitting there a while, he yells to the bartender, ‘Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?’ The bartender immediately falls silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, ‘Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you shouls know 5 things: 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a billy-club. 3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in Karate. 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter. 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. ‘Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?’ The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutter, .No…not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times…’ February 04, 2015 Jewish Comedians Those fabulous Jewish Comedians – You may remember the old Jewish Catskill comics of Vaudeville days: Shecky Greene, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Joey Bishop, Milton Berle, Jan Murray, Danny Kaye, Henny Youngman, Buddy Hackett, Sid Caesar, Groucho Marx, Jackie Mason, Victor Borge, Woody Allen, George Burns, Allan Sherman, Jerry Lewis, Peter Sellers, Carl Reiner, Gene Wilder, George Jessel, Alan King, Mel Brooks, Phil Silvers, Jack Carter, Rodney Dangerfield, Don Rickles, Jack Benny, Mansel Rubenstein and so many others. And there was not one single swear word in their comedy. Here are a few examples: * I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport. * I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me! * Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did. * We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. * She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off. * The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill so the doctor gave him another six months. * The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. " Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis! * Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I am 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?" * Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!" * A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started." * Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it. Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink? Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers? A man called his mother in Florida, "Mom, how are you?" "Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak." The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call." A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." "The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part." Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? Short summary of every Jewish holiday: Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself," she replied. Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother? Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised? The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now. There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school. February 02, 2015 Branded A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, “Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It’s been flickering for weeks now.” He looks at her and says angrily, “Fix the light? Now? Does it look like a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don’t think so.” “Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won’t close right.” To which he replied, “Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don’t think so.” “Fine,” she says, “Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They’re about to break.” “I’m not a damn carpenter and I don’t want to fix the steps,” he says. “Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don’t think so. I’ve had enough of you. I’m going to the bar.” So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he see the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he noticed the fridge door is fixed. “Honey, how’d this all get fixed?” She said, “Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake a him a cake.” He said, “So what kind of cake did you bake him?” She replied, “Helloooo… Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?” February 01, 2015 Wi-Fi'ed A man received the following text from his neighborI am so sorry EdI've been riddled with guilt and I have to confessI have been helping myself to your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, I have probably been getting more than you. I do not get it at home - but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't ever happen again." On reading the text, the man, anguished and betrayed, went directly into his bedroom, grabbed his gun and, without a word, shot his wife dead. January 28, 2015 The Irish Painter And The Gallery A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery was staring at a portrait that had them totally confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a park bench. Two of the men had black penises, but the one seated in the middle, had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized the confused couple were having trouble with interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on and on explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominantly white, patriarchal society. “In fact”, he pointed out, “some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression expressed by gay men in a contemporary society”. After the curator left, an Irish man approached the couple and said, “Would you like to know what the painting is really about?” “Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the Gallery?”, asked the couple. “Because I’m the guy who painted it,” he replied. “In fact, there is no African-American representation at all. They’re just three Irish coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.” January 27, 2015 A Twofer Tuesday PIGish Humor A student who obtained 0% for his responses, as listed below, on a class exam responded to those questions with what I believe was considerable foresight. It is apparent the exam preparer did not, in my opinion, phrase the questions appropriately as to direct the student to respond with the answer he/she had in mind as the only acceptable one. Q. In which battle did Napoleon die? Q. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? Q. River Ravi flows in which state? Q. What is the main reason for divorce? Q. What is the main reason for failure? Q. What can you never eat for breakfast? Q. What looks like half an apple? Q. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what will it become? Q. How can a man go eight days without sleeping? Q. How can you lift an elephant with one hand? Q. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have? Q. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it? Q. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? PIGish Humor II 1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned. Couldn't concentrate. 2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe. 3. After that, I tried being a Tailor, but wasn't suited for it – mainly because it was a sew-sew job. 4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting. 5. Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn't have the thyme. 6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it ... couldn't cut the mustard. 7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually found I wasn't noteworthy. 8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but didn't have any patience. 9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. Tried hard but just didn't fit in. 10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered I couldn't live on my net income. 11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining. 12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job. 13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it. 14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but had to quit because it was the same old grind. 15. So, I tried retirement and I found I'm perfect for the job! January 25, 2015 The Stranger A few years after I was born, my Dad met a stranger who was new to our small town. From the beginning, Dad was fascinated with this enchanting newcomer and soon invited him to live with our family the stranger was quickly accepted and was around from then on. As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my family. In my young mind, he had a special niche. My parents were complementary instructors: Mom taught me good from evil, and Dad taught me to obey. But the stranger... he was our storyteller. He would keep us spellbound for hours on end with adventures, mysteries and comedies. If I wanted to know anything about politics, history or science, he always knew the answers about the past, understood the present and even seemed able to predict the future! He took my family to the first major league ball game. He made me laugh, and he made me cry. The stranger never stopped talking, but Dad didn't seem to mind. Sometimes, Mom would get up quietly while the rest of us were shushing each other to listen to what he had to say, and she would go to the kitchen for peace and quiet. (I wonder now if she ever prayed for the stranger to leave.) Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions, but the stranger never felt obligated to honor them. Profanity, for example, was not allowed in our home - not from us, our friends or any visitors. Our long time visitor, however, got away with four-letter words that burned my ears and made my dad squirm and my mother blush. My Dad didn't permit the liberal use of alcohol but the stranger encouraged us to try it on a regular basis. He made cigarettes look cool, cigars manly, and pipes distinguished. He talked freely (much too freely!) about sex. His comments were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive, and generally embarrassing. I now know that my early concepts about relationships were influenced strongly by the stranger. Time after time, he opposed the values of my parents, yet he was seldom rebuked. And NEVER asked to leave. More than fifty years have passed since the stranger moved in with our family. He has blended right in and is not nearly as fascinating as he was at first. Still, if you could walk into my parents' den today, you would still find him sitting over in his corner, waiting for someone to listen to him talk and watch him draw his pictures. His name? We just call him 'TV.' He has a wife now. We call her 'Computer.' Their first child is "Cell Phone". Second child "IPod. And just born was a grandchild: IPad. January 24, 2014 Grandmothers and Grandfathers Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers? Well, here it is: There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 7-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- just him and his granddaughter. One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for the drive. When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed. "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked. "Oh, yes, Pap Pap, it was really wonderful. We didn't see a single asshole, piece of crap, horse's ass, blind bastard, dipshit, Muslim goat humper or son of a bitch anywhere we went!" January 23, 2015 Lazy Gun
January 22, 2015 Texting Tip From a teacher -- short and to the point Bonus graphic dedicated to PIGster K-Cro:
January 20, 2015 Wisdom 1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's. 2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content. 3. I live in my own little world but it's OK; everyone knows me here. 4. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?" 5. I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by drinking and standing up really fast. 6. A sign In a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea." 7. Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with. 7.1. Money can't buy happiness but poverty can't buy anything. 8. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner. 9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal"? 10. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected. 11. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value. 12. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. 13. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. 14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys. 15. I am a nobody; nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect. 16. Every day I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive. 17. That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have "Schiffer Brains." 18. No one ever says, "It's only a game!" when their team is winning. 19. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, tattoos and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well? 20. How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on. 21. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool? 22. Marriage changes passion ... suddenly you're in bed with a relative. 23. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked? 24. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled. 25. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!" 26. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants. 27. How come we choose from just 2 people to run for president and over 50 for Miss America? 28. When I was young, we used to go "skinny dipping." Now I just go "chunky dunking." 29. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place. 30. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press "Ctrl Alt Delete" and start all over? 31. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference. 31.2 Don't argue with idiots; they will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience. January 19, 2015 A Wise Person Once Said... 1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes. 2. Having a cold drink on a hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - Priceless. 3. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband. 4. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg, & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available. 5. I haven't verified this on Snopes, but it sounds legit… A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it. January 18, 2015 A Doctor Was Addressing A Large Audience At Oxford The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High trans fat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it...Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it? After several seconds of quiet, a 70 year old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake?" January 17, 2015 New Parishioners A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for an entire month." The couple agreed and, after two-and-a-half weeks, returned to the church. When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying, and the husband obviously was very depressed. "You are back so soon. Is there a problem ?" the pastor inquired. "We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month," the young man replied sadly. The pastor asked him, "What happened?" "Well, the first week was difficult; however, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. The third week, however, was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible, or anything to keep our minds free of carnal thoughts, but one afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there!" admitted the man, shamefacedly. "You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor. "We know," said the young man, hanging his head. "We're not welcome at Lowes, either." January 16, 2015 Christmas With Louise "Christmas With Louise" Here Goes: As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. "Love Dolls" come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd never heard of. I settled for "Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination. On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours. The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner. My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What in the hell is that?" she asked.My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll." "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, to steer her into dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang on!" It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later, in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to determine the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health. I can't wait until next Christmas. January 15, 2014 Three Stories About Bears A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, and that a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion. Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences. Father Murphy went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.' Reverend Billy Bob, the Baptist, spoke next. He was also very excited. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down the hill, until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah! The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start." January 07, 2015 Sexual Harrasment Every day, a male employee walks up very close to a female co-worker at the coffee machine. He stops, inhales quite deeply and says that her hair smells nice. |
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Copyright 1993-2024 PIG - The Politically Incorrect Gazette
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