Why Dumpster Diving?  Why not?

Does the name 'Dumpster Diving' mean that we threw these reader-supplied gems out with that 3 year old container of cold slaw?  Not necessarily. 

It does mean that, for one reason or another, we never found the right page in the Free State of PIG to present them, or we simply refused to publish them, until now.

We freely admit that most of these lost 'treasures' made us laugh.

We freely admit that some of them made us gasp before we laughed.

We also admit that some of them made us gasp, laugh, then wonder why some rational adult hasn't increased the voltage on the submitter's shock treatments.

For those, and assorted other reasons, we made the command decision to withhold the name of the submitter.  Why?  Because we can, and because there's no need to tell the whole world how twisted some of you are.

Fair warning! Dumpster Diving isn't for the faint-hearted, the chronically offended, or anyone else who can't tolerate 'sick', 'edgy' or 'holy crap' class material. The rest of you, uh, thrill seekers will probably make this your home page. There's just no accounting for taste.

Caution: You are about to enter another dimension...The Dumpster Zone.

On your mark, get set, Dumpster Dive!

SEPERATED AT BIRTH

BOBBITIZED!!!

IS HIS WIFE A 'CRABBY' CHICK?

CAN SHE HANDLE THE TRUTH?

WORKING FOR PEANUTS

PATERNITY-LEAVE PETE

CAN'T BEAT GOOD GRAMMER

FOOD FOR THOUGHT

ROAD TRIP !!!

PUMPED UP, UP AND AWAY

BLOODY MARY

BEYOND ALL EXPECTATIONS

BUT SHE'LL BE UNIQELY QUALIFIED

GOOD THING WE DIDN'T STEP IN THAT

USA TODAY NAMES 'WOMEN OF THE YEAR'
HERE'S ONE OF THEM...

Assistant Secretary of Health and Human Services, Rachel Levine, a biological man.

By Hank Berrien/DailyWire.com

>>> The Rest Of The Story >>>

FROM THE 'FUCK YOU FAUCI' FASHION COLLECTION

BOTTOMS UP

WITH A NAME LIKE THAT, IT'S A NO BRAINER

MANUFACTURED IDENTITY

SUCKAGE

COMING SOON TO A DUMPSTER NEAR YOU!
NEW VICTORIA'S SECRET CATALOGUES

WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A PLASTIC CHILD'S TOY WITH A HHS TRANSTESTICLE NOMINEE?

YES, PIGSTERS, WE HAVE TRULY LOWERED OUR STANDARDS

THIS AIN'T RIGHT

WE DARE YOU, MIKE ROWE

DIG IN, Y-NAUTS!

WE KNEW UGLY CHICK'S (PICTURED) LIKED BIG DICKS

BARF BAG! STAT!!!!

LITTLE JACK HORNER MEETS LITTLE MISS MUFFET

Little Jack Horner
Sat in the corner,
Eating his Christmas pie;
He put in his thumb,
And pulled out a plum,
And said, "What a good boy am I!"

I recall my first time with a condom. I was 14. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at nearby pharmacy. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Nola) knew what they were for.

She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.

I honestly answered, 'No, not really.'

She unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure

I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that very soon after, I unfortunately could no longer hold back, and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked.

I said, 'sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.

Then she beat the shit out of me....

Women have always been so hard for me to figure out.

THE UNKINDEST CRACK (CAUTION: UNAVOIDABLY R-RATED)

stiltonsplace.blogspot.com/

Literally one day after all the hoo-haw from the Left about it being totally unacceptable to even jokingly use derisory language to describe a woman or any other primate, alleged comedian Samantha Bee (whose show is the gynecologically named "Full Frontal") took to the airwaves to declare that  "Ivanka Trump is a feckless cunt."

And did Hollywood immediately lose its collective crap about this most unacceptable of sexually derisive obscenities?! It did not - because liberals believe that conservatives deserve every conceivable insult, no matter how foul or sexually charged.

For instance, withered miniature actress Sally Field, much beloved for her eons-ago role in TV's "The Flying Cunt" and the big screen "Forrest Cunt," tweeted "I like Samantha Bee a lot, but she is flat wrong to call Ivanka a cunt. Cunts are powerful, beautiful, nurturing and honest." 

And of course, the Twitterverse went crazy, praising Ms. Field's wit and wisdom.

So if we're getting this straight (not that we mean to use a term which could seem homophobic or sexually binary), it's now a compliment to call a woman a cunt...and it only applies to progressivewomen?

The notion runs contrary to our upbringing and every fibre of our being...but thanks to women like Samantha Bee and Sally Fields, the idea is actually starting to grow on us.

OUCH!!! GOTCHA BY THE SHORT ONES

A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.

The doctors operated and advised him that all was okay, however, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.

Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily – if at all.

Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence, "Get well soon, from the nurse in the Ford Explorer you pulled over last week."

Kind of brings tears to your eyes doesn't it?

KEYED UP

From: Stilton's Place

Some stories are just too dumb for us to ignore. As a case in point, West Hollywood just presented their "Key to the City" to porn actress Stormy Daniels for her great community service in screwing married men and violating non-disclosure agreements.

Of course, that's not what they said she was being honored for. Rather, it was for her tremendous leadership in the "resist" movement (even though she didn't "resist" and never has unless she was worried that the check wouldn't clear) and for "speaking truth to power," which makes us wonder what the hell "truth" they're talking about. This is hardly a Wikileaks type situation, although Ms. Daniels should get full credit for kicking off the new phenomenon of Dikileaks.

We'd say more, but we have a sudden urge to go register a new domain name.

COMPETITION

TRICK PHOTOGRAPHY

ARE SESAME SEED BUNS AND SPECIAL SAUCE INCLUDED?

DICK'S FOR DYKES?

A DAY AT THE MUSEUM WITH HOMO ERECTILE

Publisher's Note: It was a hard decision, but Hambo and Staff insisted on this being posted.

BONE apetite, PIGsters.

>>> Boning Up On Anthropology >>>

MORE ROSIE...

Rosie O'Donnell has come out of her den and seen her shadow, which means 7 more years of president Trump!

IN THESE TOUGH ECONOMIC TIMES...

WHAT WE HAVE HERE IS A FAILURE TO COMMUNICATE

PERV REPELLANT

STONE COLD SICK

>>> SICK STATUE >>>

CAPP SMEAR

>>> CAPP SMEAR >>>

HERE IS A SIGN WE WOULD LIKE TO SEE

NO CAPTION NECESSARY

A 'VIRGIN' KIT?

Wouldn't your 'First Box' recipient be glad to get this gift.

What is it, really?

Hint: It's not what you horndogs think.

Scroll down a bit for "The rest of the story."

Are we there yet?

No, but another hint is that it's something every guy needs

Finally, your "First Box."

MOOCH MOUTH

The Mooch: "I'm Not Steve Bannon, I'm Not Trying to Suck My Own Cock."

Here are the best quotes from Anthony Scaramucci's New Yorker interview.

Today, the Mooch truly became the Trump administration's communications director. He formally joined earlier in the week, but today Anthony Scaramucci really arrived: In a remarkable interview with The New Yorker's Ryan Lizza, the Mooch ranted about White House leakers, shivved a couple of colleagues, and dove into a level of vulgarity that, like so much about this administration, is surely unprecedented from a White House official in an on-the-record interview. Below is a collection of his very best one-liners, courtesy of the Goodfellas character who has begun Season Two of our national reality show in hot pursuit of the White House rat.

"I'm not Steve Bannon, I'm not trying to suck my own cock."

"Reince is a fucking paranoid schizophrenic, a paranoiac. 'Oh, Bill Shine is coming in. Let me leak the fucking thing and see if I can cock-block these people the way I cock-blocked Scaramucci for six months.'"

"They're trying to resist me, but it's not going to work. I've done nothing wrong on my financial disclosures, so they're going to have to go fuck themselves."

"What I'm going to do is, I will eliminate everyone in the comms team and we'll start over...I ask these guys not to leak anything and they can't help themselves...You're an American citizen, this is a major catastrophe for the American country. So I'm asking you as an American patriot to give me a sense of who leaked it."

"O.K., I'm going to fire every one of them, and then you haven't protected anybody, so the entire place will be fired over the next two weeks."

"They'll all be fired by me. I fired one guy the other day. I have three to four people I'll fire tomorrow. I'll get to the person who leaked that to you. Reince Priebus—if you want to leak something—he'll be asked to resign very shortly."

"What I want to do is I want to fucking kill all the leakers and I want to get the President's agenda on track so we can succeed for the American people."

"O.K., the Mooch showed up a week ago. [Yes, he is referring to himself as The Mooch.] This is going to get cleaned up very shortly, O.K.? Because I nailed these guys. I've got digital fingerprints on everything they've done through the F.B.I. and the fucking Department of Justice."

"Yeah, let me go, though, because I've gotta start tweeting some shit to make this guy crazy." [He soon tweeted, then deleted, a felony accusation against Priebus.]

What a time to be alive.

NOW SERVING BEARDED CLAM TACOS

PIG'S TASTELESS TOON OF THE YEAR

FROM OUR MEDICAL DUMPSTER

OOPS!

Dear Mr. Murphy,

We are pleased to inform you that the biopsy of the redness on your penis showed it was not cancerous.  It was lipstick.

We deeply regret the amputation.


MOMS IN GROUP THERAPY

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating.

You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.

"At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about.  Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and get some dinner".

XXX-PRESSING THEMSELVES?

LOWER THAN THE LOWEST

* Publisher's Note: Whether you like Trump or not, alleged "comediene" Kathy Griffith stepped in it big time with this publicity stunt that back fired on her, BIG TIME! Her face alone is Dumpster worthy, but this ?!? Saying she "Pete Rose'd" her so-called career is an understatement. She just spawned a new PIGish phrase. By stepping in a load so deep she will never recover from, she just "Kathy Griffith'ed" herself and her career into "Would you like fries with that" status.

DUMPSTER WORTHY? YOU BET!

DOGNAPPING DIRTBAG VICTORIA McCOLLUM

It takes a certain kind of extra special douche bag to steal a two week old puppy AND get caught on camera. For full story, link is below.

>>> Puppy Thief >>>

NOT YOUR AVERAGE BEAR

HEY, KIDS! IT'S TONI THE TAMPON TIME!

*Publisher's Note: This belongs in the Dumpster on so many levels.

A Coloring Book Called ‘Toni The Tampon’ Has A
Special Message For Kids

(The Blaze) A Washington, D.C., artist has created a coloring book for children that looks to de-stigmatize how people view women’s menstrual cycles by starting the awareness early. On top of that, however, she wants to teach children to believe that men, too, can experience periods.

>>> Full Story >>>

DINERS, DIVE-INS AND DRIVES

FROOT LOOPS, ANYONE?

SAYING SORRY...THE PIG WAY

COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS

FOR MEN WITH A DEATH WISH

PIGish Humor

[The only thing missing from these jokes is: "He never heard the bullet."]

How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telewoman

What should you give a woman who has everything? A man to show her how to work it.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good? Put a nipple on it.

Why do women fake orgasms? Because they think men care.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes? Nothing, she's been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong? Made her chain too long.

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won't do what she's told.

I married a Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90% ... It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

WTF?

THIS IS TOO PRECIOUS

CONSOLATION, CARTMAN STYLE

HOW ABOUT A KNUCKLE SANDWICH?

HILLARY IMPERSONATING MONICA?

"CLEM! QUIT STARIN' AT YER SISTER!"

FOR HER PLEASURE OR YOURS???

TOON TIME!

A WARM AND STEAMING WAKE UP

'JOB' DESCRIPTION

BORN TO BE MILD

COLONOSCOPY

Being nervous, and embarrassed about my upcoming colonoscopy on a recommendation I decided to have it done while visiting friends in San Francisco, where the beautiful nurses are allegedly more gentle and accommodating.

As I lay naked on my side on the table, the gorgeous nurse began my procedure.

"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection," the nurse told me "I haven't got an erection," I replied.

"No, but I have," replied the nurse.

Don't get a colonoscopy in San Francisco.

BIOLOGY LESSON

HOW DRUNK DOES ONE HAVE TO BE TO EVEN THINK OF THIS!

NASTY

From comedian Gilbert Gottfried.

Three gay guys are sitting in a hot tub when a big wad of cum floats to the surface.

One guy looks at the other two and says alright, who farted.

WORD PLAY

NASTY

TARZAN LEARNS ABOUT SEX

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him. During her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex?

"Tarzan not know sex," he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said, "Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified Jane said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. Here she said, pointing between her legs, "you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?"

SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL BARTENDER

POOP POUNCER

JACKING OFF ON THE JOB

FOUND WHILE SCRAPING THE BOTTOM OF THE DUMPSTER

*Note: PIG's Self-Proclaimed Choirboy of a publisher had some issues with the following, but was reminded of the context of this page. He was also questioned why he was laughing so hard he fell out of his chair and broke out of his straight jacket.

A PIG PSA

AND NOW A WORD FROM 'ROID MAN

THE CHALLENGE

Here is a challenge! 

For all of you who keep thinking you are computer experts...

Try this! 

So, you think you're smart? Let's see how computer literate you are:

WHAT WOULD CAUSE THIS TO APPEAR ON YOUR COMPUTER SCREEN?

123490=qweriop[ asdhjkl (zxcvnm 


THE ANSWER IS BELOW!

V

V

V

V

V

V

V

SOUNDS MESSY

BALLED OUT

NAILED

PRIME TIME IRAQI TV

ACRONYMN TIME!

C.U.N.T.

Can't Understand Normal Thinking

WARNING!

Do not use corn on the cob as a vibrator, and here's why:

PUDDIN' HEAD

THE THINGS SOME MOM'S DO

SOMETIMES YOU FEEL LIKE A NUT...

DO THE MATH

WHOSE BEEN NAUGHTY? THE ELF ON THE SHELF

21 pictures the Elf On The Shelf doesn't want you to see:

>>> ELF SHELF >>>

NO CAPTION NEEDED

READING ROOM MATERIAL

AN AUSSIE CIRCUMCISION

That's one shrimp you won't see on the Barbie, mate!

AN EXTRA SPECIAL CHRISTMAS GIFT

>>> Naughty Coal Box >>>

HE "KNEEDED" THAT

FLUSH TWICE! IT'S A LONG WAY TO WASHINGTON

NOTICE ANYTHING SIMILAR?

Both cars are Fords, you racists!

THE MAN TEST

1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are a queer. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet...Faggot..

2. If you have a cat, you are a homo. A cat is like a dog, but queer-- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its claws, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog..... 'Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!' Now think about how you call a cat...'Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!' Jeeez, you're so queer.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, lobster backs, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are a Homo in training and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his toilet; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you're as fairy as Tinkerbelle. A straight man will never be heard ordering a 'Decaf Soy Latte'. If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there too..

6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colours or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and custard, you might as well be handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are a peter puffer.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-assed driver or to cut the prick off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, scratch his nuts or hold his beer.

DOUBLE DUMPSTER DIPPING IN THE 'HOOD

SCREWING THE SYSTEM

NOT YOUR MOMMIES HALLOWEEN DISPLAY

Is this Halloween display that has come under fire in Dearborn-istan?

Nope.

An Isis training camp on American soil?

Nope.

Is the home owner's name Vlad?

Nope.

Is Hambo jealous he didn't think of this first?

Hmmmm.

This display is in, drum roll, please, Parma, Ohio.

Does it cross the line of good taste? Who the f**k cares. It's Halloween and the usual Morality Maggots and 'Think of the children' herds are crawling out from under their rocks and out of the wood work crying "Foul!"

Personally, I give them straight A's across the board for creativity, capturing the true meaning and spirit of Halloween and pissing off the right people.

The F.S.O.P. gives them 2 severed thumbs up for their efforts.

For the complete gory story, click below.

>>> Nightmare In Parma >>>

Happy Halloween, Dumpster Diving PIGsters!

SPLIT DECISION

FROM THE CHOP SHOP

BOYS WILL BE BOYS

SHE'S BAAAACK!

YO, MR. WHIPPLE...

FATHER OF THE YEAR?

NOSTALGIA

RECYCLED

THE REDNECK'S QUINTUPLETS

A Redneck went to the hospital, as his wife was having a baby.

Upon arriving, he was asked to sit down as the nurse told him,

“Congratulations, your wife has had quintuplets five big baby boys.”

The Redneck said, “I’m not surprised, I have a penis the size of a fucking chimney.”

The nurse replied, “You might want to consider getting it cleaned.  They’re all black.”

THE GREAT OUTDOORS

BRUCE JENNER'S FIRST MODELING JOB

WTF!

>>> Grammar Lesson >>>

HMMMMM

>>> Cider Up >>>

GAME TIME! FIND THE FOOTSIES, THEY ARE THERE

HOW TO GET RID OF ANTS

A retired engineer from Naples, Fl. swears this works.
 
Go to Home Depot or Wal-Mart and buy a can of black spray paint.
 
Krylon seems to work the best !!
 
Stir up each ant mound and the area around it with a stick.
 
The ants will emerge by the thousands to defend their mound.

Spray each mound and the surrounding area, making sure you get plenty of paint on the ants as well.
 
Once the ants realize they live in a black neighborhood, they quit working and start killing each other.

I PITY THE POOR POLE

Honey Boo-Boo's Mama June came up with the biggest brain fart of all time.

She wants to be a pole dancer. Isn't that neat? Yay. On every level this is not an epic fail, it spells Titanical trauma for those either drunk enough or those who want to go blind watching this train wreck.

Just for the record, the Keeper of The Candy Store hopes Hambo has enough barf bags and adult diapers to fathom and visualize this Hambo sized hunka hunka burnin'... Dumpster worthy load.

I stress 'Hunka.'

CHOW TIME!

HANDY-CAPPED

DO YOU LIKE IT?

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.

"Do you enjoy it?" The doctor asked.

"Actually, yes, I do," she answered.

"Does it hurt you?" he asked.

"No. I rather like it," she responded.

"Well, then," the doctor continued,  "there's no reason that you shouldn't practice 
anal sex if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."

The woman was mystified. "What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?"

"Of course," the doctor replied. "Where do you think people like 
Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, Dianne  Feinstein, Debbie Wasserman Schultz and Barak Obama came from?"

FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS PLAY WITH SHARPIES

CARPET MUNCHER?

SUCKAGE

CURB SIDE SERVICE

A FIRST DATE FLICK FOR ASPIRING ROMEO'S?

MR. WHIPPLE, WE HAVE A PROBLEM

"I propose a limitation be put on how many squares of toilet paper can be used in any one sitting." – Sheryl Crow

MARY, MARY BEING QUITE CONTRARY

HAIL MARY

ONLY IN THE 'HOOD

WITH MOOCHELLE AS A WIFE, DO YOU BLAME HIM?

BONDING?

DON'T FORGET TO BRUSH AND FLOSS, JUST IN CASE

REMEMBER, IT'S CALLED THE 'DUMPSTER' FOR A REASON

TOO MUCH INFORMATION? YOU BET!

‘I steam clean my VAGINA’ Gwyneth Paltrow makes bizarre admission about her privates

>>> Steamed >>>

*Publisher's Burning Questions: WTF does she stick in there that requires a steam cleaning? Why doesn't she just call Stanley Steemer? Better yet, COIT?

HEY KIDS! IT'S MORE "TICKLES THE CLOWN" TIME

"ONLY WOMEN BLEED" - ALICE COOPER

TEA BAGGED

TRUTH IN ADVERTISING?

BREATHING ROOM

DON'T FORGET YOUR MEDS

All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadroopin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of ‘cocktails’, ‘highballs’ and just a good old-fashioned ‘stiff drink’.
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research. This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

GOT A MATCH, ANYONE?

FEEDING TIME!

NOW, YOU TOO CAN BECOME A HUMAN AIR FRESHENER

Underwear Patch To Make Your Farts Smell Like Mint

After many years and thanks to the collaboration of the world’s best scientific researchers there has been a revolutionary discovery this year: the underwear patch.

This greatest invention of the twenty first century is a patch placed inside the underwear which filters any unpleasant odors to a nice mint smell. Why didn't we think of it before... 

And the Nobel Prize goes to...

CANADIAN LOVE GUN: IT DOESN'T SHOOT BLANKS

REACH OUT AND TOUCH SOMEONE

NATIONAL GUARD CALLED IN TO RESTORE PEACE IN FERGUSON

PIT STOP

IT'S A GUY THING

THE CURE FOR RAGINGS MENSTRUALS?

THAT'S TELLIN' 'EM

JUST THINK. ONE OF THOSE LITTLE SWIMMERS
COULD HAVE BEEN YOU OR ME

SO THAT'S WHY MOMMY WON'T LET ME SEE
WHAT'S IN HER 'TOY' CHEST

FINGER LICKIN' FREAKY

DO THE MATH

HELP WANTED:ISIS HUNTERS

>>> Click Here For Demonstration >>>

SPERM COLLECTOR

ANYONE HIRING?

VAG MEAT: THE MEAT TO EAT, WITH CAUTION

3...2...1 - DO YOU SEE IT NOW?

BRUSHING UP ON BUSH

HEY KIDS! IT'S TICKLES THE CLOWN TIME

TOON TIME!

FOR THE DO-IT-YOURSELF-ER

PREFFERED BREAKFAST OF BEN DOVER AND PHIL McCREVISE

THE LOW DOWN ON DOWN'S SYNDROME

A FREUDIAN SLIP OF THE CRAYON?

DRESS CODE VIOLATION OF EPIC PROPORTIONS

NO CAPTION NEEDED

TYPOS!

WHAT'S SHE DOING HERE?

DAMN TRUANTS!

EGO BUSTERS

GOOD MORNING, SUNSHINE!

'MOTHERS' OF THE YEAR?

EXPECT A PHONE CALL

EAT YOUR HEART OUT, BUD BUNDY

When a girl gets a vibrator, it's seen as a bit of naughty fun.

BUT...when a guy orders a 240-volt Binford FuckMaster Pro 5000 blowup latex doll With 6-speed pulsating vagina, elasticized anus with non-drip semen collection tray, together with optimal built – in realistic orgasm scream surround sound system, he's called a pervert!!

DAMN COMPETITION

ANIMAL CRUELTY

Wanna see what the Taliban does for fun to goats when they're not busy hating the rest of the world? This is their idea of a gang bang.

>>> Taliban Gang Bang >>>

GOOD VIBRATIONS

This guy has the remote to his girlfriends vibrating panties in his pocket.

Look at his hand and watch what happens.

Click the link and enjoy a good laugh as you loiter in our Dumpster.

>>> Good Vibrations >>>

LOST AND FOUND

Hey Hambo! I found this black half ton pick-up in my driveway and I wondered if it belonged to you?

TONS 'O FUN

TOON TIME!

FIVE O'CLOCK SHADOW TIME?

HAVE A SEAT

FOUND IN A SUPERNATURAL CORRECTIONAL FACILTY DUMPSTER

HOW TO PLAY THE ONE-EYED SKIN FLUTE

HE'LL LEAVE THE LIGHT ON FOR YOU

SICK TOONS SCRAPED FROM THE BOTTOM OF THE DUMPSTER

THE FRIENDLY SKIES

KEEPING IT REAL

TASTELESS TOONS

THE FIRST SIGN OF BEING GAY

AMEN

ON THE MOVE

WINNIE THE POOH MASCOT

How do you manage to get fired the first day in a Winnie the Poo costume?

By putting your costume pants on backwards!

PIG'S OFFICIAL DUMPSTER DIVER TRUCK:
COMING TO YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD...REAL SOON

ANNUAL HANGOVER FINALISTS

AND THE WINNER IS...

I COULDN'T SHOOT!

I had him in my sights....but I just couldn't pull the trigger!

And then I thought, "Screw it - that's how I'd wanna go!”

LIPSTICK

This just can't be real!

Don't you just hate it?

You get all dressed up; you're looking hot, smokin' hot!

As you strut your stuff down the street, you can almost feel all the eyes upon you.

Then, you happen to catch a quick glimpse  of yourself in a mirror, and you suddenly REALIZE...

...You forgot the lipstick...the whole look you were after 
is gone to hell, right then and there!

DAMN !!

AN ANSWER TO AN AGE OLD QUESTION

WWJD IF NO ONE WAS LOOKING?

THE FOLLOWING WERE FOUND IN A DUMPSTER IN THE BARRIO

THERE GOES THE NEIGHBORHOOD

PURCHASING OR LEASING? WHICH IS BETTER?

Leasing
On the other hand, New York Governor Eliot Spitzer's favorite hooker, Kristen, charged $4,000 per night.

This is Kristen...

So, had Paul McCartney "employed" Kristen for 5 years @ $4,000 per night, he would have paid only $7.3 million in total for sex every night. This represents a $41.7 million saving for Eliot. What a shrewd man Eliot is, compared to the aging Beatle.  Further valuable benefits of this Leasing option are:
* a (real) 22 year old
* no need for coaxing / pleading / begging
* never a headache
* happily agrees to all technical requests
* no complaining
* no “Honey - please do this” lists
* has two legs

Best of all, she leaves and returns when asked. All at 1/7th the cost and no legal fees.

What does Heather think about this Purchase vs. Lease conundrum?

Where would you rather be?

Sometimes leasing just makes more sense.
 
THE OLD ADAGE STILL HOLDS TRUE...IF IT FLIES, FUCKS, OR FLOATS...RENT IT!

GAME TIME COMES ONLY ONCE A MONTH...LIKE THE CHECK

KKK &THEIR NEW AFFIRMATIVE ACTION POLICY

YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN THE GHETTO WHEN...

THESE TWO TURDS WERE FOUND AT THE VERY BOTTOM
OF OUR DUMPSTER

PERSISTANCE PAYS

DR. PORCUS WELBY, M.D. SEZ...

HERE ARE SOME FOLLOW-UP TIPS:

• Bag that trouser trout before letting him out.

• Drape that dragon before riding her wagon.

• Cover your blue veined throbber before you ravish and rob her.

* Wrap that bratwurst before quenching her thirst.

There's more, but as a PSA, Boy Scouts, always be prepared.

IT'S TIMES LIKE THIS I WISH I WERE AN OSCAR MEYER WEINER

Our crack Dumpster Diver, who shall remain nameless, was hungry and found this somewhere either behind the NFL's headquarters dumpster or Carl's Jr.'s.

For some reason, this Carl's Jr. ad was banned from the Superbowl. All the ad does is feauture a young woman, wandering the desert and nursing a sausage, as if she hadn't eaten in days, savoring every bite.

Poor girl, lucky sausage.

Click the link below and you tell us, what's wrong with this ad. Better yet, ask yourself what's wrong with you for being on this page.

>>> Hide The Sausage >>>

IT'S A RINGER!

FOOD FOR THOUGHT

TRUTH IN ADVERTISING

FROSTY SCORES!

I looked out my window and what did I see?

Fucking snow!

A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP

HAPPY ENDING TO A NOT SO HAPPY MEAL

GOOD EATS

A while back, when I was considerably younger, I picked up a lovely date at her parents' home.

I'd scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant.

She ordered the most expensive items on the menu. Shrimp cocktail. Lobster Patron. Champagne . 

I asked her, "Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?"
"No," she replied. "but my mother's not expecting a blow job tonight."  

I said "Would you care for dessert?"

BUTT OFFICER...

NASTY? YOU BET. READ ON

Humidity in New Orleans.

A couple of spinster schoolteachers from Boston decided to take their summer vacation in New Orleans.  Upon leaving their hotel they are overwhelmed by the hellish humidity.

They wander and they complain. Eventually they wander into the black section of the city, and they see a black woman sitting on her gallery  (that's Louisiana for "Porch").

The lady is eating a large slice of watermelon; the following conversation ensues: 

1st Spinster:  Ethel, look at that lady, she seems to be so cool in this heat. 

2nd Spinster: Yes, but I notice she's not wearing panties, could that be why she's so cool? 

1st Spinster: Let's ask her. 

2nd Spinster: Excuse me miss, but we couldn't help noticing how cool  you seem, and we also noticed that you're not wearing panties. Does not wearing panties make you cooler? 

Lady on Porch: I don't know about "cool", but it sure keeps the flies off my watermelon!                

PIGISH MALE SENSIVITY

ONE
When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked Him to forgive me.

TWO
My girlfriend was in labor with our first child. She was shouting, "Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!" She looked at me and yelled, "You did this to me, you bastard!" I casually replied, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass but you said, 'That would hurt too much'."

THREE
I was walking down the road and saw my Afghan neighbor, Abdul, standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's wrong, Abdul? Won't it start?

PLEASE, JUST DON'T EVEN ASK.

THIS EXPLAINS IT!

BAGGED

CAUTION: It is highly recommended you take your heart meds before viewing this very disturbing clip.

*Publishers Note: We can't verify if this is real, a stunt or part of a PETA campaign

>>> Bagged >>>

PASS THE BARF BAG, PLEASE!!!

*Publisher's Note: Much apologies to mans best friend and their owners. I would feel bad but this is the Dumpster and we hope you had some handy barf bags at your disposal.

Poor dogs. Animal cruelty at it's absolute worst.

In defense of man's best friend I'll provide the following link:

>>> Dogs >>>

NO MATTER HOW YOU SLICE IT, THIS IS UGLY AT IT'S WORST

RUSTIC TIME: HEY, Y'ALL

BOO!!!

Porcus has a true confession to make regarding the following.

I took off my usual Halloween costume, tossed it in our Dumpster and found a sneaky Halloween freak called Hambo adorning himself with this.

Please, as a public service favor to innocent folks, if this is seen in your neighborhood on Halloween night, please contact Porcus at once, and hide all of your treats and tell him I look way better in that costume than he and I want that costume back.

Enjoy and watch out. Coming to a neighborhood or website near you on Halloween night.

FILL 'ER UP

LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION

"I WAS SO EMBARRASED" - PORCUS

THE 2-PLY QUR'AN: IT WORKS IN A PINCH

ATTENTION ALL STEAMING LOADS:

DUMPSTER DIVERS GONE WILD

Women…

A woman in labor is screaming profanity at her husband from her hospital bed.

He says, "Hey, don't blame me! I wanted to stick it in your ass, but NO, You said  that might hurt."

• • • • • • •

I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife. She was delighted.                        

I spent another $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic.                                                                                   

I spent $2,000 on liposuction for her and she couldn't thank me enough!

But I spend 50 bucks on a blowjob for myself and she goes fucking nuts!

• • • • • • •

A mother in law said to her son's wife when their baby was born: "I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son."

The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said:"I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a pussy...not a fucking photo-copier."

• • • • • • •

A blonde and a brunette are walking downtown when the brunette sees her boyfriend in a flower shop. "Just great," the brunette complained to the blonde, "my boyfriend is in the flower shop buying me some flowers."

The blonde responds, "Why is that a problem?" The brunette replies,

"Because now he'll expect me to spend all weekend with my legs spread and my feet up in the air."

"Why?" asked the blonde, "Don't you have a vase?"

• • • • • • •

Little kid catches his mom and dad having sex. He says, "What are you doing?"

His father says, "We are making you a little brother."           

The boy answers, "Why don't you do it doggy style, and make me a puppy!"

• • • • • • •

"I'm fed up with the excuses women come up with to avoid having sex, Like; "I'm tired, I'm washing my hair, I've got a headache, I'm your sister..."

• • • • • • •

My girlfriend says that a small penis won't affect our relationship.Whether she's right or not, I'd prefer it if she didn't have one at all.

• • • • • • •

PIGish Fun

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!

• • • • • • •

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did. She's 25, and her name's Kathy.

• • • • • • •

Went to our local bar with my wife last night. Locals started shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my wife is 24 and I'm 60. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

• • • • • • •

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's three schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

• • • • • • •

The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.

• • • • • • •

A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead".

The operator says, "How do you know?"

The man says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"

• • • • • • •

My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.

HOW PEANUT BUTTER IS MADE

THE HUNT FOR RED...

BACK DOOR COMMENTS

NAILED!

WAIT 'TIL TIMMY HAS TO TURN HIS HEAD AND COUGH

MATH TRICK

How to change a Number One into a Number Two.

CALIFORNIA REP. HENRY WAXMAN: YOU CAN'T WAX OFF UGLY

PUCKER UP, ACHMED!

THE MOTHER OF ALL SENIOR MOMENTS

A FUNNY THING HAPPENED ON THE WAY
TO THE JERRY SPRINGER SHOW

BURNT RUBBERS

A GIRLS OTHER BEST FRIEND

SO WRONG, YET SO FUNNY

THE COLONEL REALLY DOES CARE

BABY TALK

THEM...AGAIN!

AW, MOM! SOMEBODY ATE THE EYEBALLS!

TAKE THIS PLAINTAIN AND SHOVE IT!

MOTHER GOOSE: ADULT VERSION

''Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
Her clothes all tattered and torn.
It wasn't the spider
That crept up beside her,
But Little Boy Blue and his horn''
~Sentry~

YOU KNOW IT'S LAST CALL WHEN THEY START LOOKING GOOD

FROM THE SAME FOLKS THAT BROUGHT YOU
LOONIE TUNES CARTOONS.

HAPPY AND SAD

She replied: Out of all of your friends, you have the biggest dick.

TOON TIME DOUBLE HEADER

WELL, LOOK WHAT THE CAT DRAGGED IN FROM THE DUMPSTER

A PIG PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

TURDS OF A FEATHER FLOAT TOGETHER

PIGsters, please forgive us for posting this, but our roving Dumpster Diver found this image of these two creatures from the black lagoon that would scare the shit out of Frankenstein, or anyone that's white with deep pockets.

Sorry, but we had to post this load of a picture, and no, we do not provide the barf bag you will be needing.

CHARLIE BROWN GETS HIS POUND OF FLESH...TEE HEE

THEY ARE NOT EXTINCT

BIG TRUCKS = SMALL PECKERS?

WELL SAID, LADY

THE GOOD DOCTOR ON HUMAN MECHANICS

COVER IMAGE FOR INSTRUCTIONAL VIDEO FOR NEW INMATES

BRAGGING RIGHTS?

...MEANWHILE, ON A VERY SLOW PROTEST DAY FOR SIGN WIELDING JERK-OFFS AND LOITERERS...

CRITTERS. IT'S WHAT'S FOR DINNER

THERE OUGHTA BE A LAW

Heads ought to roll over this one, and rightfully so!

Why? Have you ever seen such a technically screwed up Photoshop job?

For whoever slapped this together, they ought to be banned from all Photoshopping and online posting of their butchering and sent directly to jail.

On another note, whoever did this, gets an A for making it to the depths of our Dumpster for the subject matter.

GLEAMING THE CUBE: THEORETICAL PHYSICIST STYLE

DOUBLEHEADER

NO CAPTION NEEDED

THEY LURK IN BAD DREAMS AND ONLY COME OUT AT NIGHT

WAX ON, WAX OFF?

IN THE BOONDOCKS, IT'S ALL RELATIVE

IT'S SICK CRAP LIKE THIS THAT MADE US CREATE THIS PAGE!

KERMIT AND HIS TADPOLE

NO! REALLY?

WELL SAID, LINUS

AND NOW, THE ANSWER TO THAT AGE OLD QUESTION...

BEWARE OF THE RED TIDE AND PSYCHOTIC CYCLE

SHE BE STYLIN' WITH HER FLOATING MASTERPIECE

FREAK MOBILES

YOUR FRIENDLY NEIGHBORHOOD SPIDERMAN

SUITABLE FOR SCRATCHING, TOO

SIGNS OF THE PENDING DOMESTIC APOCOLYPSE

THE CARTOONS OF TIM WHYATT

HOW THE BLACK RACE BUILT THIS COUNTRY

PRICE TAG PLACEMENT

HEADLINES

PIG GOES TO THE GUTTER COURTESY OF PIGSTER GM

I went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting. Whew... I knew I made it home OK!

My wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night…or as she likes to call it, "foreplay".

After both suffering from depression for a while, my wife and I were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, “Fuck it, I’m good”, and opened a beer…

I woke up this morning at 8, and could felt something was wrong. I got downstairs and found my wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered, McDonald’s serves breakfast until 10:30.

I bought my wife a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the carnival last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

My wife packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"

"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

A Catholic boy in confession says, “Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister.

“That's a disgrace,” said the priest, “especially when you have two gorgeous brothers.”

GRAMMER AND VOCABULARY

Definition of Handsome

A teacher in Detroit asks her students to use "handsome" in a sentence.

A girl named Latisha says, "Sometimes when I be suckin' Jamal's soul pole, my jaw git sore and I hafta use my handsome."

The quality of our educational system sometimes brings a tear to my eye.

CLINTON CORNER

Students at a local school were assigned to read two books, 'Titanic' & 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.

One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic: cost - $29.99
Clinton: cost - $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton: Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: Ditto for Bill.

Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: Let's not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewellery
Clinton: Monica is forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: Clinton remembers Monica for the rest of his life.

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton: Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hilary - basically the same thing.

Hillary Update:

Bill Clinton was asked about Hillary Clinton's head, to which he replied:
"Well, she's no Monica Lewinsky"

HOT ROD

ONCE YOU GO JACK, YOU NEVER GO BACK

POPPIN' FRESH

SHIT HAPPENS

PIG GOES GHETTO IN DA HOOD: A TOUCHING PICTORAL

WELCOME TO BARNEY FRANKS' POSH, PRIVATE PIXIELAND GETAWAY

DIAPER PRIMER

STAGES OF LIFE

ANSWER TO AN AGE OLD QUESTION

PIG'S OFFICIAL DUMPSTER DIVER AT WORK

WATCH OUT! COMING TO A THEATRE NEAR YOU

BITCHIN' TEE SHIRT

POLITICAL B-J'S

When the choirboy known as Porcus went to the polls, the last page contained on his ballot was two County measures, titles B and J.

Gee whiz. B&J, or BJ. Does that term ring a bell, both ladies and gentlemen?

When Choirboy saw those measures, he almost bust a gut in laughter.

These are exact transcripts from the Mexifornia ballot and measures.

Now, this being the Dumpster, get on your knees and... Read and do the math and use your imagination.

LOS ANGELES COUNTY MEASURES

B Shall an ordinance be adopted requiring producers of adult films to obtain a
County public health permit, to require adult film performers to use condoms while
engaged in sex acts, to provide proof of blood borne pathogen training course, to
post permit and notice to performers, and making violations of the ordinance subject
to civil fines and violations?

J Accelerating Traffic Relief, Job Creation. To advance Los Angeles County’s traffic
relief economic/job growth by accelerating light rail/subway construction and airport
connections, within five years, not twenty, funding countywide freeway, bridge, safety
and traffic flow improvements, fixing potholes; keeping senior, student and diabled fares low; Shall Los Angeles County’s voter approved one-half percent traffic rejief sales tax continue without increase for another 30 years or until voters decide to end it, with independent audits and keeping funds local?

LOOSE LIPS GETS YOUR ASS KICKED

SHIT HAPPENS

LADIES, PLEASE EXPLAIN

SUCKAGE

FELLATIO FUNNIES

CONCERNED CITIZENS

TOO MUCH TECH OR JUST A PERV?

AMEN

SOLUTIONS

STILL WANNA STRAP ON THAT SUICIDE BOMB?

NO CAPTION NEEDED

BARF BAG...STAT!!!

STEVE JOBS...WHAT A VISIONARY GENIUS

THIS IS HOW THOSE STICK FAMILES START

QUESTIONS

MAKES SENSE TO US

WHACK JOB

THE LITTLE ENGINES THAT COULDN'T

Warning! The following comes from the recesses of what's left of Porcus' mind. It is a piece written in the old National Lampoon magazine. Oh, and speaking of recess, that's Porcus' nickname, based upon the fact that he has no class and that's why I'm here, hanging with Hambo.

THE WIDOW

Once upon a time, there was a young, attractive widow who got more than itchy, but rather, very horny.

In order to satisfy her needs, she advertised a contest. Her rules and conditions of the contest were the following:

Any young man that can climb the greased flagpole in my backyard gets to sleep with me, but if you can't make it to the top, you have to pay the consequences, according to me.

Needless to say, many applied for that job, but she narrowed the applicants down to three.

The three guys show up, rules were explained, and contest commenced.

First guy. He makes it halfway up and slides down.

The hot widow asks, "What does your father do for a living?"

He replies, "He's a butcher."

She then ordered him to drop his pants, got hold of a meat cleaver and lopped off his mahood.

Second guy: He climbed up and made it three quarters up, but slid down.

Her question to him, was, "What does your father do for a living?"

"He's a barber."

She then ordered him to drop his pants, got a pair of scissors and cut off his little Mr. Happy.

Third contestant: Boy, oh boy. This guy started the climb, huffing and puffin,g came so close to making it to the top, but he too, slid down.

She asked, 'What does your father do for a living."

Knowing the rules, he replied, "He makes lollipops. What are going to do, suck it off?"

Needless to say, he won.

KEN AND BARBIE

REVENGE...DUDE STYLE

*Publishers Note: You're on this page for a reason, probably the morbid curiosity factor, but regardless, the following was sent courtesy of PIGster Swine Flew. So there. If you're offended, blame him.

Best Divorce Letter Ever

Dear Connie,

I know the counsellor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore.

The day you left, I swore I'de never talk to you again but that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who came crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does. Maybe it it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt.

That's why my heart says: "There's no one like you, Connie. I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every women I see, but they're not you. They're not even close."

Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate my desperation. She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an ass that wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right?

As I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you don't see what I'm getting at. does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderatelty attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I'de never really thought of that before. I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little.

Later, after I'd tossed her a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you, and everything I do just reminds me of you.

Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met last year at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know , like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots the tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. She put it on the floor and we straddle it, right so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too because I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and never used it as a sex toy."

Saturday, your sister drops by with a copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicki's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together. Connie, she really is.

So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out that Vicki's into the whole anal thing. That gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your sister's cinnamon ring, all i can do is think of you? It's true, Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can. If you feel the same please, please, please let me know.

Otherwise, can you let me know where the fucking remote is?

Love, Dan

PIG DUSTS OFF IT'S POETRY COLLECTION

A Pause For Poetry

A profound poem by Sir John Suckling, 17th century cavalier poet:

Love is the fart

Of every heart,

For when held in,

Doth pain the host,

But when released,

Pains others most.

AS SEEN ON TV? WE WISH!

From our distinguished friend who did some Dumpster diving and holds an advanced degree in PIGology, ladies and gentlemen, the honorable Mr. Swine Flew tossed this into our Dumpster.

Now, where can we get some of this fine product, you ask? Right here in our Dumpster. Just remember to use it responsibly.

AND NOW, TODAY'S COOKING TIP

"...HEY, LET'S TRY MIKEY. HE EATS EVERYTHING!"

HEY, BOY! BRING BACK A DOGGIE BAG! GOOD DOG!

NEED TO UP THE VOLTAGE ON YOUR SHOCK TREATMENTS?
THERE'S A BETTTER WAY.
GO DUMPSTER DIVING AND ENJOY PIG'S PRIVATE STASH.
>>> Read More >>>
• • • • • • • • • • •