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We found them too good not to publish.
Submitted by: PIGster Redneck Conundrums The definition of the word conundrum is something that is puzzling or confusing. Here are six conundrums of socialism in the United States of America: Where Is The Rake? I was working in the garden this weekend and my wife was about to take a shower. I realized that I couldn't find the rake. I yelled up to my wife, "Where is the rake?" Teddy Bear Justice Joan Holland lost her teenage son, Andrew, in 2007 after he was stabbed to death. Understandably distraught, the grieving mother has since visited her son’s grave every Sunday, leaving tokens like flowers and figurines in his memory. After a while, Holland noticed that many of these items were disappearing from the grave site. Then, on Mother’s Day 2014, she found that every single thing at the memorial had been taken. That’s when the family decided to catch the serial grave robber, with the help of this guy:
From the Mirror: Mrs Holland’s son Martin bought a £200 tracker and they stitched it into a teddy bear, leaving it on the grave in St Michael’s churchyard, Bolton, Greater Manchester. The family followed the tracker to an apartment and then called police. Officers entered the building and arrested Andrew Balshaw, who later admitted he was stealing the items as gifts for his girlfriend. Police were able to recover the teddy bear, as well as several other items that had been taken. Balshaw was sentenced to 12 months in prison for his actions. Holland expressed that while she felt the sentence wasn’t long enough, she was thankful that justice had been served. And now, thanks to her clever idea, she will be able to remember her son without worrying about this insensitive thief. Triple Header Woman's Perfect Breakfast She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton. Women's Revenge Marriage Seminar The $20 Dollar Parrot A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $20.00. "Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room, and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad." When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended, but then they began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised. Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith." Jewish Divorce A Jewish daughter says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Irv." All he wants is sex, sex and more sex. My vagina is now the size of a 50-cent piece when it used to be the size of a nickel." Her mother says, "You're married to a multimillionaire businessman. You live in an 8 Bedroom mansion. You drive a $250,000 Ferrari. You get $2,000 a week allowance. You take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away.... over 45 cents?" Punology • I tried to catch some fog. But I mist. Gay-KK [Mbatt] The Land of the Free has become the Tyranny of the Depraved: On August 8, [the New York State Division of Human Rights] fined Cynthia and Robert Gifford $13,000 for acting on their belief that marriage is the union of a man and woman and thus declining to rent out their family farm for a same-sex wedding celebration. Here's what happened: In 2012, Melissa Erwin and Jennie McCarthy contacted the Giffords to rent the family's barn for their same-sex wedding ceremony and reception. Cynthia Gifford responded that she and her husband would have to decline their request as they felt they could not in good conscience host a same-sex wedding ceremony at their home. Decent people would understand and celebrate their parody of a marriage somewhere else. But homosexual militants are not known for their decency. They appear to derive great satisfaction from using the government to force people who are appalled by their perverse lifestyles to participate in them. The Giffords have owned and operated Liberty Ridge Farm in Schaghticoke, New York for over 25 years. Like many small farm families, they often open the farm to the public for events like berry picking, fall festivals, and pig racing. … They also open their home for weddings and receptions. When the Giffords host weddings, they are involved in every aspect of the wedding planning and celebration: they greet and drive guests in their farm trolley, decorate the barn, set up floral arrangements, arrange fireworks displays, and provide catering. As the Human Rights Commission ruling even points out, "the only wedding-related service Liberty Ridge Farm does not offer is providing the official for the wedding ceremony." The bridal suite is right in their own home. As many brides know, planning a wedding requires hours of careful work to organize in order to pull off the celebration—hours during which family businesses operating venues like the Giffords' actively participate in the weddings they host. The Giffords believe that as free citizens running a business, they should have the right to decline to participate in an event that does not reflect their values. Unfortunately, New York's Human Right's law (Executive Law, art. 15) creates special privileges based on sexual orientation that trump the rights of business owners. These unjust privileges also trump the fundamental individual right of freedom of association. Because the Giffords' family farm is open to the public for business, New York classifies it as a "public accommodation" and then mandates that it not "discriminate" on the basis of sexual orientation. This means that like any business, they can refuse service for any reason — except to persons of elevated legal status. We are all equal before the law. But under rule by liberals, those who define themselves by the aberrant sexual practices they indulge in are more equal. The Giffords were not engaging in any insidious discrimination—they were acting on their belief about the nature of marriage. They do not object to gay or lesbian customers attending the fall festivals, or going berry picking, or doing any of the other activities that the farm facilitates. The Giffords' only objection is to being forced to abide by the government's views on sexuality and host a same-sex wedding. The Human Rights Commission has now declared this historic belief about marriage to be "discrimination." The Giffords must pay a $1,500 mental anguish fine to each of the women and pay $10,000 in civil damages penalty to New York State. The farce of pretending that the bullies who dragged this innocent family into court are the victims and deserve compensation for "mental anguish" should be too much for even liberals to stomach. Like Jack Phillips of Masterpiece Cakeshop, the Giffords must also institute anti-discrimination re-education classes and procedures for their staff. That is, they must pay to have their employees brainwashed to reject their own values — values that have defined civilization for millennia. The question before all citizens is whether this law and this fine are just. Should the government be able to force family businesses to betray their consciences and participate in ceremonies that violate their beliefs? Should the government be in the business of "rehabilitating" consciences or "re-educating" its citizens to change their moral beliefs about the definition of marriage? Here I have to disagree. These aren't the questions, because the answers are obvious. The question is: how are we going to restore freedom and dignity by liberating ourselves from the twisted tyranny we are living under? Grins and Snickers I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?" (Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?) So Funny We Forgot To Laugh
Lords Prayer For School The Lord's Prayer Is not allowed in most Public schools anymore Because the word 'God' is mentioned. A kid in Winnipeg wrote a new school prayer: If scripture now the class recites, Our hair can be purple, orange or green, For praying in a public hall We're allowed to cuss and dress like freaks, We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen, We can get our condoms and birth controls, It's scary here I must confess, Amen Chain Letter Reaction
Extreme Rednecking You're An EXTREME Redneck When... 1 You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids. 2 The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it. 3 You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws. 4 You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night. 5 You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean. 6 Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.' 7 You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader. 8 Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan. 9 Your junior prom offered day care. 10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines.' 11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels. 12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse. 13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge. 14. One of your kids was born on a pool table. 15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos. 16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it. 17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk. A Classic Craig's List Posting
What am I doing wrong? THE ANSWER Who Says Engineers Don’t Have A Sense Of Humor? 1. Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?" Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets. The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?" One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway." The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want." Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool." "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!" A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had eggs." Lawyer's Donation If you think lawyers don't have hearts, read the best lawyer story of all time. Things Confucious Did NOT Say: Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient. Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly. Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent. Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts. Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion. Man who runs in front of Car gets tired. Man who runs behind car gets exhausted. Man who eats many prunes get good run for money. War does not determine who is right, it only determines who is left. Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. It takes many nails to build a crib but only one screw to fill it. Man who drives like 'Hell' is bound to get there. Man who stands on toilet is high on pot. Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement. Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs. Dogs vs. Wives Sixteen Logical Reasons Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives: 1. The later you are, the more excited your dog is to see you. And last, but not least: 16. If a dog runs off and leaves you, it won't take half your stuff. Primers
Passings
Rednecks Two good ol' boys in a Tennessee trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off work at the Local Nissan plant.
20 Reasons You Wouldn't Want To Live In An America Controlled By Liberals Like Obama Stolen From: John Hawkins via Page One PIG
The only thing more disturbing than the arrogance, incompetence, and lawlessness of Barack Obama's administration is that most liberals are perfectly fine with everything he's doing. It's shocking that there are so many Americans who don't care about the Constitution, the rule of law, or even what happens to the country just as long as someone they agree with ideologically is in charge. In fact, the only time liberals seem to get really upset these days is if someone criticizes Barack Obama or tries to put ANY KIND of restraint on his power. Want to know how America would look if liberals like Barack Obama had complete control of the country? 1) Abortion would be the only "choice." Almost everything else including light bulbs, TVs, health care plans, cars, and the schools your child goes to would be chosen for you by people in D.C. 2) You could be sued for failing to warn people that you are about to say something that could conceivably be offensive to women, gays, transsexuals, or minorities. 3) Every sports fan of teams like the Redskins, Braves, Chiefs, Indians, Blackhawks, and Seminoles would be branded as a bigot and all of those teams would be forced to change their names. 4) We would have open borders and anyone who walks across would be welcome to sign up as a citizen and collect welfare, food stamps, and Social Security. 5) It would be illegal to say the Pledge of Allegiance or fly an American flag because it might "offend people." 6) All criticism of black and Hispanic politicians would be shrugged off and treated as racism. 7) Government investigations of liberal wrongdoing would be handled by friends, associates, or campaign contributors of the liberal being charged. 8) So many nuclear and coal plants would be shut down that we'd end up with regularly scheduled blackouts in many parts of the country. 9) Anyone could choose not to work and get a monthly stipend from the state -- well, until the money runs out. 10) Cities, states, and even well-connected big businesses that spend irresponsibly and go broke could always be bailed out by the federal government. 11) Women would have to get mandatory abortion counseling from Planned Parenthood before giving birth just to make sure they are ready to have a child. 12) Conservative talk radio, blogs, websites and especially Fox News would be regulated out of existence and only government-approved media sources would be allowed. 13) Christians and conservatives would have to hide their beliefs to get government jobs. 14) The IRS would be allowed to audit people solely for contributing to conservative candidates or being a member of conservative groups. 15) Men who have sex with women who are drinking would be treated as rapists by default. 16) Merit and even basic competence would be secondary in importance to hiring people who are the right race or sex for a job. 17) Any child who plays with a toy gun would be considered a potential psychopath and expelled from school. 18) Americans would only be allowed to buy tiny, overpriced electric cars that don't work very well. 19) It would be illegal to oppose gay marriage. 20) Guns would be confiscated from everyone except the criminals, the cops, the military, and the bodyguards for rich liberals. Legicrat Humor WASHINGTON -- Taxpayers who do not produce documents for the Internal Revenue Service will be able to offer a variety of dubious excuses under legislation introduced by Rep. Steve Stockman (R-TX 36) a week after the IRS offered an incredibly dubious excuse for its failure to turn documents over to House investigators. "The United States was founded on the belief government is subservient and accountable to the people. Taxpayers shouldn't be expected to follow laws the Obama administration refuses to follow themselves," said Stockman. "Taxpayers should be allowed to offer the same flimsy, obviously made-up excuses the Obama administration uses." Under Stockman's bill, "The Dog Ate My Tax Receipts Act," taxpayers who do not provide documents requested by the IRS can claim one of the following reasons: 1. The dog ate my tax receipts 2. Convenient, unexplained, miscellaneous computer malfunction 3. Traded documents for five terrorists 4. Burned for warmth while lost in the Yukon 5. Left on table in Hillary's Book Room 6. Received water damage in the trunk of Ted Kennedy's car 7. Forgot in gun case sold to Mexican drug lords 8. Forced to recycle by municipal Green Czar 9. Was short on toilet paper while camping 10. At this point, what difference does it make?
Murphy's Other 15 Laws 1) Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. Hot Crazy Matrix Just watch the damn clip about women.
Cousin Joe This selfie is the last known picture of cousin Joe.
Conundrums The definition of the word Conundrum is something that is puzzling or confusing. Here are six Conundrums of socialism in the United States of America: 1. America is capitalist and greedy - yet half of the population is subsidized. 2. Half of the population is subsidized - yet they think they are victims. 3. They think they are victims - yet their representatives run the government. 4. Their representatives run the government - yet the poor keep getting poorer. 5. The poor keep getting poorer - yet they have things that people in other countries only dream about. 6. They have things that people in other countries only dream about - yet they want America to be more like those other countries. Think about it! And that, my friends, pretty much sums up the USA in the 21st Century. Makes you wonder who is doing the math. These three, short sentences tell you a lot about the direction of our current government and cultural environment: 1. We are advised to NOT judge ALL Muslims by the actions of a few lunatics, but we are encouraged to judge ALL gun owners by the actions of a few lunatics. Funny how that works. And here's another one worth considering... 2. Seems we constantly hear about how Social Security is going to run out of money. How come we never hear about welfare or food stamps running out of money? What's interesting is the first group "worked for" their money, but the second didn't. Think about it. ...and Last but not least, 3. Why are we cutting benefits for our veterans, no pay raises for our military and cutting our army to a level lower than before WWII, but we are not stopping the payments or benefits to illegal aliens. Quotes As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder. Honesty
Weekly Schedule
Questions
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one? If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one out of five enjoys it? Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with? If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes? If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist? If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for? If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed? Do Lipton Tea employees take 'coffee breaks?' Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail? Salty Snippets 1. A pregnant woman in labor is screaming profanity at her husband from her hospital bed. He says, "Hey, don't blame me, I wanted to stick it in your ass but NOOO, you said that might hurt!" 2. I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife. She was delighted. I spent another $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic. I spent $2,000 on liposuction for her and she couldn't thank me enough! But I spend 50 bucks on a blowjob for myself and she goes fucking nuts! Women, I can't figure them out! 3. A mother in law said to her son's wife when their baby was born: "I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son." The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said: "I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a pussy ... not a fucking photo-copier." 4. Little kid catches his mom and dad having sex. He says, "What are you doing?" His father says, "We are making you a little brother." The boy answers, "Why don't you do it doggy style, and make me a puppy!" 5. "I'm fed up with the excuses women come up with to avoid having sex, like; "I'm tired, I'm washing my hair, I've got a headache, I'm your sister in law..." 6. Dear Dr Phil, I was watching my next door neighbor's wife sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was jerking off I turned to notice my wife was just standing there, arms folded...watching me. Is she a pervert or what? Irish Blonde At Casino An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at a casino in Atlantic City. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'. With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!' As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!' She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?' The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.' Moral of the Story: Not all Irish are drunks, Not all blondes are dumb, But all men ... are men.'
Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage." Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10.. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely." Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny." Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine." Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this. "Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?" Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far." Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable
Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the Gates, St. Peter greets Ford, and tells him, ''Well, you've been such a good guy, and your invention ... the assembly line for the automobile changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone in Heaven you want.'' Ford thinks to himself about it, and says, ''I want to hang out with God Himself.''
Heteronyms and other challenges of the English language Homographs are words of like spelling but with more than one meaning. A homograph that is also pronounced differently is a heteronym. You think English is easy? I think a retired English teacher was bored...THIS IS GREAT! This took a lot of work to put together! 1) The bandage was wound around the wound. 2) The farm was used to produce produce. 3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse. 4) We must polish the Polish furniture. 5) He could lead if he would get the lead out. 6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert. 7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present. 8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum. 9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. 10) I did not object to the object. 11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid. 12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row. 13) They were too close to the door to close it. 14) The buck does funny things when the does are present. 15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line. 16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. 17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail. 18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear. 19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. 20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend? Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. PS: Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick'?
10. Patriot to English dictionary 9. Planned Parenthood gift cards 8. Diapers for their mouths 7. Gun-free zone yard signs 6. Baby's first gender reassignment kit 5. Barack Obama inaction figures 4. An unfinished jigsaw puzzle belonging to Joe Biden, includes both pieces 3. An invoice for Obamacare 2. I can't believe it's not communism wealth spread 1. A free trip to Benghazi, Iran, or Syria...or all three (what difference does it make?) In Case Of Fire..
Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick! BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period. JOHN McCAIN: My friends, the chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road. HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road? GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here. DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun? COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road. BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. AL GORE: I invented the chicken. JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it. AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems. OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross the road so badly. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens. ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road. NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks. PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American. MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way the chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information. DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told. ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone. JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken was gay. If you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the Liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.' That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that. GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us. BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road. ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace. BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2014, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2014. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot. ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken? COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one? Democrats vs. Republicans f you ever wondered which side of the fence you sit on, this is a great test! If a Republican doesn't like guns, he doesn't buy one. If a Republican is a vegetarian, he doesn't eat meat. If a Republican is homosexual, he quietly leads his life. If a Republican is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation. If a Republican doesn't like a talk show host, he switches channels. Democrats demand that those they don't like be shut down.If a Republican decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it. God's Day Off
Spanish Oysters
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Spain. While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?' The waiter replied, 'Si senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!' The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.' The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.' The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.' The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.' The Pretzel Hold It's the Gold Medal round of the Olympics, and a Russian and an American wrestler were set to square off. Before the match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!" The wrestler nodded in acknowledgement. As the match started, the American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't even watch the ending. Suddenly, there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to watch the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match. The trainer was astounded, and ran to his wrestler, who was jumping around the mat, with people swarming him from all angles. When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!" "So," the trainer exclaimed, "that finished him off, did it?" "No, but you'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!" My Electric Fence If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one you should read this. The language used is a bit salty, but 'he tells it like it is' without cursing. If you don't laugh at this, CHECK YOUR PULSE... this was sent by a retired dentist. We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 ft. into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works. One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo WalMart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all. Now, I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses. Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together. It was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand. At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences. But Dad always had those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This one I could not let go of. The 8 ft. long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the perma-damp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas. 'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest, I think 'Oh God please die ... pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the 'go' command from its owner's right foot. So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day. He left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created. I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire. I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things: 1. Three of the fillings in my teeth have melted. 2. I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right). 3. Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think. 4. My left eye will not open. 5. My right eye will not close. 6. The lawnmower runs like a sum bitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon-fouling or something, because it was better than new after that. 7. My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long. 8. I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this.) That day changed my life. I now have a new found respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow. The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
The new world-wide Plant-a-Pig movement. In Seville Spain, local people found a way to stop the construction of another mosque in their town. They buried a pig on the site, and made sure this would be known to the local press. Islamic rules forbid the erecting of a Mosque on "pig soiled" ground. The Muslims had to cancel the project. No protests were needed by the local people, and... it worked! In Texas they have an overabundance of feral pigs. They could ship them all over the country, and plant them everywhere they're needed! Americans, let's roll up our sleeves and get to work solving the problem of this spreading menace to our American way of life. If pigs are the answer, let's do it! Besides, it would be a "stimulus package" for the Texas economy. Maybe we could get someone to even plant a pig at the White House. Just thinking.
SIMPLE TRUTH 1 SIMPLE TRUTH 2 FIVE Other Simple Truths 1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle. 2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the ass hole's name. 3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again. 4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. 5. Alcohol does not solve any problems but then neither does milk. Bonus Truth: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex. My friend was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband. GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED: 1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree. 2) Wrinkles don't hurt. 3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts. 4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground. 5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside. 6) Old age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy. WHEELIE BINS In Australia, the curbside garbage carts are called "wheelie bins." A garbage collector is driving along a Sydney street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his rubbish truck. He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out. In the spirit of kindness and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck, goes to the front door and knocks. There's no answer. Being a conscientious bloke, he knocks again – much harder. Eventually, a Japanese man comes to the door. "Harro!" says the Japanese man. "G'day mate, where's ya' bin?" asks the collector. "I bin on toilet," explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed. Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again. "No mate, where's ya' dust bin?" "I dust been to toilet, I toll you!'' says the Japanese man, still perplexed. "Listen," says the garbage collector. "You're misunderstanding me. I mean, where's ya' wheelie bin?'" "OK, OK. " replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin, and whispers in the collector's ear. "I wheelie bin having sex wiffa wife's sista!!!"
MIND GAMES I know what you're looking at...
But did anyone see the dog driving the taxi? STATUES AT WORK
PIGISH FUN Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary. Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action! So I sent her my ironing. That'll keep the lazy woman busy. I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind. After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it home safely. Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then." My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in. I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit. After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing. A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, "Never mind son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking part." Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think. SUNDAY TRIPLE HEADER SEX TEST FOR REDNECKS (Circle T for true or F for false) A menstrual cycle has three wheels. T or F Asphalt describes rectal problems. T or F A g-string is part of a fiddle. T or F Semen is a term for sailors. T or F Testicles are found on an octopus. T or F A public hair is a wild rabbit. T or F Masturbate is used to catch large fish. T or F Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke. T or F An umbilical cord is a part of a parachute. T or F A condom is a large apartment complex. T or F An orgasm is a person who accomplishes a church choir. T or F A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry. T or F An erection is when Japanese people vote. T or F If you answered "TRUE" to 5 or more questions ... you might be a redneck! Woman's Perfect Breakfast She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. SCIENCE TEST, ESSAYS We found these gems in the comments section on Fark. Nobody is willing to swear on a stack of pizza boxes that these are " comments from test papers, essays, etc., submitted to science and health teachers by elementary, junior high, high school, and college students'. We don't really care if some teacher collected them or if some wit made them up. Whatever the source, we consider them PIG-worthy. Enjoy. The body consists of three parts -- the branium, the borax, and the abominable cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of whichthere are five -- a, e, i, o, and u. Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state. H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water. To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube. When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide. Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water. Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars. Blood flows down one leg and up the other. Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration. The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader. Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull. Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire. A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold. Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas. The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects. The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to. A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors. The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight. A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is. Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa. Germinate: To become a naturalized German. Liter: A nest of young puppies. Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat. Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away. Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky. Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot. Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives. Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative. To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose. For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops. For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it drops in your throat. To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow. For fainting: Rub the person's chest, or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor. To prevent contraception, use a condominium. Question: If a space flight is "unmanned," what does that mean? The Equalizer
Neener, Neener, Neener!
PIGish Geography
My better half and I want to announce, in spite of our health condition, "Our Travel Plans for 2014!" We have been in many places, but we've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone. We've also never been in Cognito. We hear no one recognizes you there. We would like to get to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and we're not too much on physical activity anymore. We have been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and we try not to visit there too often. We've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm. Sometimes we are in Capable, and we go there more often as we are getting older. One of our favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At our age we need all the stimuli I can get! We may have been in Continent, and we don't remember what country we were in. It's an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there. Life is too short for negative drama and petty things. So laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly! Well, that forgiveness part is up to you! From one unstable person to another ... We hope everyone is happy in your head – we're all doing pretty well in mine! Quotes From Mae West, A True PIGal
 I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
His mother should have thrown him out and kept the stork. It's not the men in my life that count, it's the life in my men. The score never interested me, only the game. Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly. I like a man who's good, but not too good - for the good die young, and I hate a dead one. When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before. He's the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of. I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing. Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you. Love isn't an emotion or an instinct - it's an art. I speak two languages, Body and English. The best way to hold a man is in your arms. To err is human, but it feels divine. I didn't discover curves; I only uncovered them. I'm a woman of very few words, but lots of action. I only like two kinds of men, domestic and imported. Look your best - who said love is blind? I believe in censorship. I made a fortune out of it.GARMINS I have a little Garmin I have a little Garmin It gives me full instructions It tells me when to stop and start It tells me when a light is red It lists the vehicles just in front I'm sure no other driver It fills me up with counseling Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, It washes all my shirts and things Despite all these advantages
MORE GUN CONTROL NONSENSE
"God made the idiot for practice, and then he made the school board."
MID-LIFE
I've seen two shows lately that went on and on about how mid-life is a great time for women. Just last week Dr. Oz had a whole show on how great mnopause will be ... Puhleeeeeeeze! I've had a few thoughts of my own and would like to share them with you. Whether you are pushing 40, 50, 60 (or maybe even just pushing your luck), you'll probably relate. Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache. In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wing spans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag. Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear without turning around. Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless. Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, 'Listen, honey, even the Roman empire fell and those will too.' Mid-life brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we're sitting on our biggest ones. Mid-life is when you look at your know-it-all, cell phone carrying teenager and think, 'For this I have stretch marks?' Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand McNally – more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin. Mid-life means that you become more reflective. You start pondering the 'big' questions. What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice? But mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is important. We realize that breasts sag, hips expand, and chins double, but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile. Would any of you trade the knowledge that you have now, for the body you had way back when? Maybe our bodies simply have to expand to hold all the wisdom and love we've acquired. That's my philosophy and I'm sticking to it! SMART ASS ANSWERS
It was mealtime during an airline flight. 'Would you like dinner?', the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. 'What are my choices?' John asked. 'Yes or no,' she replied. A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.' A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.' The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said. The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.' When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket. A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.' A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect!' (I wonder when this guy's funeral is gonna be?) A SEMI-SWEET SEMI-AUTOMATIC
DECISIONS, DECISIONS
TRICK QUESTION?
JUST ONE OF THOSE DAYS
KID STUFF
Wow,' the social worker exclaims, 'are they all yours?" 'Yep, they are all mine,' the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, 'sit down Terry.' All the children rush to find seats. 'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.' 'Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named Terry and the girls are all named Terri." In disbelief, the case worker says, 'are you serious? They're all named Terry?' Their momma replied, 'well, yes-it makes it easier. When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school , I yell, Terry!' an' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Terry!' and they all come a running. And if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Terry' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, naming them all Terry.' The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'but what if you just want one kid to come, and not the whole bunch? 'Then I call them by their last names.'
HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2059
• Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California. • White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language. • Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock. • Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped. • Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage. • Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels. • France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica. No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation! • Last Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking. • George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2060. • Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only. • 85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss. Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs. • Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba. • Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut. • Abortion clinics now available in every High School in United States. • Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays. • Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative. • Supreme Court rules any punishment of criminals violates their civil rights. • AcCouple finally had sexual harmony, they had simultaneous headaches. • Average height of NBA players is now nine feet seven inches with only 5 illegitimate children. • New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2060. • IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent. • Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines. A PIGGISH TWO-FER
Two Wolves An old Cherokee told his grandson, "my son, there is a battle between two wolves inside us all. One is Evil. It is anger, jealousy, greed, resentment, inferiority, lies and ego. The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, humility, kindness, empathy, & truth. The boy thought about it and asked, "Grandfather, which wolf wins?' The old man quietly replied, "The one you feed." Two Muslims Two Muslim families moved from Afghanistan to America. When they arrived, the two fathers made a bet: In a year's time, whichever family had become more Americanized would win. A year later they met. The first man said, "My son is playing baseball, I had McDonald's for breakfast and I'm on my way to pick up a case of Bud... how about you?" The second man replied, "Fuck you, rag-head.". A Man's Age, As Determined By Home Depot
You are in the middle of a few projects at your home: putting in a new fence, painting the basement walls, putting in a new garden. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, dirt and paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit – shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who-knows-what, and an old pair of tennis shoes. Right in the middle of these projects you realize you need to run to Home Depot for supplies. Depending on your age you might do the following: In your 20s: In your 30s: In your 40s: In your 50s: In your 60s: In your 70s: In your 80s: In your 90s & beyond: WAITING FOR MR. RIGHT
A woman walks into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms. He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?" She responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?" I'M THE PILGRIMMAGE PIG! NOW BITE ME!
Submitted By: Oscar Meyer, Fenway Frank and Dodger Dawg
QUIT YER BELLYACHIN'!
BRAINS
A man walks into a butcher shop and notices a special on brains. Normal brains were $2.00/lb. while the 'brains' of Socialists were $10.00 /lb. The man asks the butcher why the Socialist brains cost so much. The butcher replied: "Do you know how hard it is to find Socialist brains?"
20 'ONLY IN AMERICA' IRONIES
Stolen From: John Hawkins 1) Only in America could politicians talk about the greed of the rich at a $35,000 a plate campaign fund raising event. 2) Only in America could people claim that the government still discriminates against black Americans when we have a black President, a black Attorney General, and roughly 18% of the federal workforce is black. 3) Only in America could we have had the two people most responsible for our tax code, Timothy Geithner, the head of the Treasury Department and Charles Rangel who once ran the Ways and Means Committee, BOTH turn out to be tax cheats who are in favor of higher taxes. 4) Only in America will you find people who burn the American flag and call America an "imperialist nation," but who get offended if you say they're not patriotic. 5) Only in America can we have terrorists kill people in the name of Allah and have the media primarily react by fretting that Muslims might be harmed by the backlash. 6) Only in America could someone drinking a $5 latte and texting to his friends on an iPhone 4 complain that the government allows some people to make too much money. 7) Only in America would people take rappers who brag about shooting people and selling drugs seriously when they complain the police are targeting them unfairly. 8) Only in America would we make people who want to legally become American citizens wait for years in their home countries and pay tens of thousands of dollars for the privilege while we discuss letting anyone who sneaks into the country illegally just become American citizens. 9) Only in America could the people who believe in balancing the budget and sticking by the country's Constitution be thought of as "extremists." 10) Only in America could the most vicious foes of successful conservative women be self-proclaimed feminists and the National Organization for Women. 11) Only in America could you need to present a driver's license to cash a check or buy alcohol, but not to vote. 12) Only in America can we have terrorists fly planes into our buildings and have some people’s first thought be "what did we do to make them hate us?" 13) Only in America would we think teaching kids at college is an appropriate job for communists, terrorists, and other dregs of humanity. 14) Only in America could people demand the government investigate whether the oil companies are gouging the public because the price of gas went up when for every penny of profit the oil companies make, the government tacks on roughly 24 cents’ worth of taxes. 15) Only in America could the first people asked to weigh in on the seriousness of a racial incident by the media be professional race hustlers like Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, and Ben Jealous. In other words, it's like calling in a car dealer as a neutral source on whether or not you need to get a new car. 16) Only in America does airport security put its hands on your underwear....while you're wearing it. 17) Only in America could the government force a skating rink to have handicapped parking spots and Braille on the ATM machines. 18) Only in America could the government collect more tax dollars from the people than any nation ever has before in all of recorded history, still spend a trillion dollars more that it has per year, and complain that it doesn't have nearly enough money. 19) Only in America could the rich people who pay 86% of all income taxes be accused of not paying their "fair share" by people who don't pay any income taxes at all. 20) Only in America could the people who approve of slaughtering 25 million females babies via abortion accuse OTHER PEOPLE of waging a "war on women."
"I DIDN'T DO IT!"
THE BREAKFAST OF PIGSTERS
WHODUNNIT!
The following link allows you to bring out your inner Sherlock Holmes. Enjoy. >>> Who's The Guilty Party >>>
HOW TO TELL WHERE A COP WORKS
Stolen From: Texas Fred
Narcotics A PSA FROM PIG
We here at PIG wanted to remind you of the consequences of over imbibing during the Holiday season by providing this valuable guide to drunkeness. On a personal note, according to the chart, Porcus usually stops at the 'Wasted' phase before calling it a night.
REALITY OR TECHNO TERROR
MEMORIES
Stolen From: Page One PIG
The "F" Word Throughout History
Submitted By: Who The *#@! Cares 10. "What the *#@! was that?" – Mayor of Hiroshima, August 1945 9. "Where did all these *#@!ing Indians come from?" – Custer, 1877 8. "Any *#@!ing idiot could understand that." – Einstein, 1938 7. "It does SO *#@!ing look like her!" – Picasso, 1929 6. "How the *#@! did you work that out?" – Pythagoras, 126 B.C. 5. "You want what on the *#@!ing ceiling?" – Michaelangelo, 1566 4. "I don't suppose it's going to *#@!ing rain?" – Joan of Arc, 1434 3. "Scattered *#@!ing showers ...my ass!" – Noah, 314 B.C. 2. "I need this parade like I need a *#@!ing hole in my head!" – JFK, 1963 1. "Aw c'mon who the *#@! is going to find out?" – Bill Clinton, 1997 What A Man Can Do With Three Naked Women
Medical Term/Redneck Definition
Stolen From: Page One PIG Bacteria: Back door to cafeteria Barium: What doctors do when patients die Benign: What you be, after you be eight Caesarean Section: A neighborhood in Rome Cat Scan: Searching for Kitty Cauterize: Made eye contact with her Colic: A sheep dog Coma: A punctuation mark Dilate: To live long Enema: Not a friend Fester: Quicker than someone else Fibula: A small lie Impotent: Distinguished, well known Labor Pain: Getting hurt at work Medical Staff: A Doctor's cane Morbid: A higher offer Nitrates: Rates of pay for working at night, normally more money than days Node: I knew it Outpatient: A person who has fainted Pelvis: Second cousin to Elvis Post Operative: A letter carrier Recovery Room: Place to do upholstery Rectum: Nearly killed him Secretion: Hiding something Seizure: Roman Emperor Tablet: A small table Terminal Illness: Getting sick at the airport Tumor: One plus one more Urine: Opposite of you're out
GEORGE CARLIN
The following clip is the late, great abrasive comedian, George Carlin and his takes on rights and privIleges. This clip is not for brain dead humorphobes.
LITTLE BILLY
The Perfect Husband
Stolen From: Page One PIG Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: "Hello" WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" MAN: "Yes." WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?" MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much." WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked." MAN: "How much?" WOMAN: "$90,000." MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it." MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want." WOMAN: "Oh THANKS! I'll see you later! I love you so much!" MAN: "Bye! I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open. The man turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?". A Typical Halloween In The PIGdom
FIND THE GIRL
Stolen From: Cyberspace
PIGISH NOTIONS ON SEX
Stolen From Page One PIG 2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory. 3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects. 4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..." 5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men – 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together. 6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth. 7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly. 8. Virginity can be cured. 9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity. 10. Having sex is like playing bridge – if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand. 11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small. 12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy. 13. Question: What's an Australian kiss? 14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing. TOP 8 MORONS
1. Will the real dummy please stand up? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence. 2. With a little help from our friends: Police in Oakland, CA, spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, 'Please come out and give yourself up.' 3. What was Plan B?: An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts. 4. The getaway!: A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him. 5. Did I say that?: Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a line-up. When detectives asked each man in the line-up to repeat the words: 'Give me all your money or I'll shoot,' the man shouted, 'that's not what I said!' 6. Are we communicating?: A man spoke frantically into the phone: 'My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart,' 'Is this her first child?' the doctor asked. 'No,' the man shouted, 'this is her husband!' 7. Not the sharpest tool in the shed!: In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)! 8. The grand finale!: Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. (Now remember ... this is true) Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer! THE EXAM
Submitted By: Old Yeller
OUCH!
Submitted By: A Friend Of Hambo Got home late last night and the wife left a message in the kitchen.
RACE CARD REVISITED
SUPER MARIO
BOBBITIZED?
CAREER CHOICES
CAREER CHOICES GROANERS
PMS jokes aren't funny; period! Jokes about German sausage are the wurst! I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time! How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it! I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me! This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore! 'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down! Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations! We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz! I didn't like my beard at first... then it grew on me! Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils? When you get a bladder infection, urine big trouble! I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest. I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx. All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on. Velcro - what a rip off! A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy. The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.
CATS AND DOGS
 THE EXAM Submitted By: Little Johnny
PLEASING WOMEN?
THE BUTLER DID IT
HYPOCRISY
Submitted By: Do As I Say...
THE OLD MAN AND HIS TOMATO GARDEN
An old Italian gentleman lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
EXCUSE ME WHILE I KISS THE SKY
Submitted by: PIGster Tarheel *Publishers Note: We would like to think that this image is Jimi Hendrix approved.
THREE LEGENDARY AMERICANS
Submitted by: T-Cro Every man wants to leave a legacy — Something he will be remembered for. These three certainly left their mark.
TRIPLE TREAT
Submitted by: PIGster Tarheel
Now, if the previous two images have you steamed, enjoy an adult beverage from the Beerbulance.
FUTURE PIGSTER
Submitted by: Happy Meal
BACK TO SCHOOL SAVINGS
Submitted By: Hambo I can't decide if this is for the kids or the parents.
FRIENDSHIP
If you want the ultimate definition of friendship, this is it:
THE WINE TASTER
Submitted by: Ernest and Julio Gallo At a wine merchant's warehouse the regular taster died, and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A retired Navy Warrant Officer, drunk and with a ragged dirty look came to apply for the position. The director wondered how to send him away. They gave him a glass to drink. The old warrant tried it and said: "It's a Muscat three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable." "That's correct", said the boss. "Another glass, please." "It's a Cabernet, eight years old, south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at eight degrees.Requires three more years for finest results." "Absolutely correct. A third glass." 'It's a Pinot Blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive'' calmly said the drunk. The director was astonished and winked at his secretary to suggest something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine. The drunk tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father." COUGARS
Submitted by: A Shutterbug Montana Wildlife shot by National Geographic
HEAVEN AND HELL?
THE POWER OF PRAYER
Submitted by: Dirty Harry
THE FENCE TEST
You can't get any more accurate than this! This is straight forward country thinking...by Jeff Foxworthy Which side of the fence? If you ever wondered which side of the fence you sit on, this is a great test! PARAPROSDOKIANS
Paraprosdokians (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous. Enjoy! 1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it. 2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list. 3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong. 5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. 6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left. 7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. 8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research. 9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you. 10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' I put 'DOCTOR'. 11. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice. 12. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.. 13. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target. 14. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. 15. You're never too old to learn something stupid. 16. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to find one now. BURNING QUESTION TIME
MARITAL STATISTICS
Submitted By: A PIGal
A DOG NAMED DICK
THE SILENCER
ONE DAY
JACKASSES
MARITAL BLISS
Wife: 'What are you doing?' Husband: Nothing. Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.' Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.' Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.' Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.' He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humour!' A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. 'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied, 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket.' The man then said 'When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.' The wife apologized and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied.. 'Your horse phoned' ADVICE FOR HER
1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers. 2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door. 3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there. 4. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway. 5. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so we can tell them apart. 6. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it. 7. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. 8. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions. 9. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books. 10.. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his. GOODBYE MOM
A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son." He answered, "That's okay." "I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mom' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy." She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom." The little old lady waved and smiled back at him. Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries. "That comes to $121.85," said the clerk. "How come so much? I only bought 5 items." The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too." Bet you thought this was going to be a tear jerker. Don't trust Little Old Ladies!!! They didn't get old by being dumb. WARNING LABELS
Well, it took forty years but here are the new labels being considered for liquor bottles these days. This should be taken seriously! Alcohol Labels Just Like Cigarettes. Liquor manufacturers have accepted the government's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers: WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a simpleton. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you aretougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting your ass kicked. WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcohol may Mack you tink you kan tpye reel gode. THE BEER FACTS
This indeed is worrisome. Beer contains female hormones. Last month, Sydney University and CSIRO scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects : Argued over nothing. Refused to apologize when obviously wrong. Gained weight. Talked excessively without making sense. Became overly emotional Couldn't drive. Failed to think rationally. Had to sit down while urinating. No further testing was considered necessary. BONDING
As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?' The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.' The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.' A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked: 'What are you doing?' The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.' NEW PANTIES
A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband. At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs, enough times that her husband finally asks, "Are you wearing crotchless panties?" "Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile. "Thank God - I thought you were sitting on the cat. PIGISH WISDOM
You can retire to Yuma, Arizona where...
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade. OR You can retire to California where... 1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house. OR You can retire to Washington, where... 1. Everyone knows Seattle is the center of the universe. OR You can retire to New York City where... 1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map. OR You can retire to Minnesota where... 1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco. OR You can retire to Colorado where... 1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car. OR You can retire to the Midwest where... 1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name. OR FINALLY You can retire to Florida where... 1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon. FROM PIGSTER REDNECK
Item #1: The Dot For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story. When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab, or a motel in the United States. If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with Verizon technical advice. Item #2: Browsing Through Magazines I was going through a few magazines the other day down at the local Mosque. I was really enjoying myself. Then the rifle jammed. DRUNK TASTER
In an alcohol factory the regular taster died and the director was in urgent need of looking for a replacement. A drunkard with ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.. The director of the factory wondered how to send him away. They tested him. They gave him a glass with a drink. He tried it and said, "It's red wine, a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers." "That's correct", said the boss. "It's red wine, cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels." ''It's champagne, high grade and exclusive'' calmly said the drunk. MAKE MINE A DOUBLE
Submitted by: Andy Capp If you were around in 1919 and came upon the following poster...
I mean, seriously
DECISIONS, DECISIONS
Submitted by: Cold Fury I just got off the phone with a friend living in North Dakota near the Canadian Border. He said that since early this morning the snow has been coming down, it is nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in. PIGish Bilingualism?
Submitted By: Damn Yankee Spanish word of the day: Water – My wife gets mad and I don't even know water problem is! Spanish word of the day: Mushroom – Yo, when all my familia gets in the car, there's not mushroom. Spanish word of the day: Chicken – My girlfriend wanted me to go to the store, but chicken go by herself. Spanish word of the day: Liver & Cheese – Some guy tried to sweet talk my woman. I told him, yo loco, liver alone, cheese mine. Spanish word of the day: July – Ju tol me ju were goin to the store and July to me! Julyer! Spanish word of the day: Wafer – I wanted to go with my mom to the flea market pero she didn' t wafer me! Spanish word of the day: Herpes – I had some cake to share with my wife; this is my piece & this is herpes. Spanish word of the day: Tissue – I told you if you didn't know how to do it, I could tissue. Spanish word of the day: Cashew – I was running after you but I couldn't cashew! Spanish word of the day: Bishop – We went out to the club y mi vieja got drunk and fell down, so I had to pick the bishop. Spanish word of the day: Juicy – Hey man, Im looking for Paco, tell me if juicy him! It's a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu." Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita. Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged. "But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." replied Rosita. Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me." Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu." Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang..... "Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year." DEAR SANTA
Submitted by: PIGster Redneck FAIR WARNING!!!! If you're a delicate flower who can't cope with profanity, skip this one. It's loaded with F-Bombs and other profane pleasantries, so it's not for the faint hearted. LAST CHANCE...So be it...
MEN'S ROOM MURAL
Submitted by: Southern Belle Edge Designs is an all-women run company that designs interior office space. They had a recent opportunity to do an office project in NYC. The client allowed the women of this company a free hand in all design aspects. The client was a company that was also run by all women executives The result ... well ... We all know that men never talk, never look at each other ... And never laugh much in the restroom. The men's room is a serious and quiet place but now with the addition of one mural on the wall ... let's just say the men's restroom is a place of laughter and smiles – and maybe a little intimidation (grin).
LETTER TO THE BOSS
Submitted by: Beltway Bob Dear Boss: I have enjoyed working here these past several years. You have paid me very well, given me benefits beyond belief. I have 3-4 months off per year and a pension plan that will pay my salary till the day I die and a health plan that most people can only dream about. I plan to take the next 12-18 months to find a new position. During this time I will show up for work when it is convenient. In addition, I fully expect to draw my full salary and all the other perks associated with my current job. Oh yeah, if my search for this new job proves fruitless, I will be back with no loss in pay or status. Before you say anything, remember that you have no choice in the matter. I can and will do this. Sincerely, Try that at your job and tell me how it works out. TOSS'EM ALL OUT DON'T TALK TO MY PARROT
Submitted by: Bye, Bye Birdie
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you." "But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work. The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, To which the parrot replied............. See - Men just don't listen! CAN WE GET AN AMEN?
FIXING A PHONE
Posted by: Damn Yankee A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found: 1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar. 2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose. 3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called. 4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate. 5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring. Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning. Thought you'd like to know. QUICK TAKES
Posted By: Damn Yankee My mind works like lightning, one brilliant flash and it is gone. It used to be only death and taxes. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment ... for enjoying sex. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger. DOING THE DISHES
Submitted by: PPS Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one day he comes across a Harley with a For Sale sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. "Well, its quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and its going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline. That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in." "When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes." "No problem," he says. And in they go. Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and has sex with her, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, that's enough, I'll do the damn dishes!" SHAKY HANDS
Submitted by: Damn Yankee The next time you see a little old lady with shaky hands, you'll remember this story: A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter. Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk: 'Dddoo youu hhhave ddiilldos?' The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: 'Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models.' The old woman then asks: 'Dddddoo yyyouu ccaarry a pppinkk onne, tttenn inchessss llong aand aabbou ttwoo inchess ththiick... aaand rruns by bbaatteries? The clerk responds, 'Yes we do' She asks: ' Dddoo yyoooouu kknnoooww hhhow ttoo ttturrrnnn ttthe ssunoooffabbitch offffff? TRIP TO THE MALL
Submitted by: Damn Yankee We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look at my Dad and find him staring every time. When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?" Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response. "Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son." 4 PARACHUTES
Submitted by: PIGster Redneck An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes. The first passenger, Sarah Palin said, I have my own reality show and I am the smartest woman in American history, so America's people don't want me to die. She took the first pack and jumped out of the plane. The second passenger, John McCain, said, I'm a Senator, and a decorated war hero from an elite Navy unit from the United States of America. So he grabbed the second pack and jumped. The third passenger, Barack Obama said, "I am the President of the United States and I am the smartest ever in the history of our country, some even call me the 'Anointed One.' So he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped out. The fourth passenger, Billy Graham said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, I have lived a full life and served my God the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute. The little girl said, That's okay Mr. Graham. There's a parachute left for you. America's smartest President took my school bag. HOW TO START A FIGHT
Submitted by: Sucker Punch Sally One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started..... * * * My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes.' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started. * * * I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself." And that's when the fight started..... * * * My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" And then the fight started... * * * When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. * * * My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started. * * * Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" And that's how the fight started. * * * My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds." I bought her a bathroom scale. And then the fight started. * * * After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.' And then the fight started. * * * My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' I replied, "Your eyesight's near perfect." And then the fight started. * * * I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF! He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!' So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?' That's how the fight started. CARNATION MILK - 65 YEARS AGO
Submitted by: Knockers O'Rourke You may be tooo young! A little old lady from Wisconsin had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation. When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in the 1940s, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan. The producers wanted a rhyme beginning with 'Carnation Milk is best of all.' She thought to herself, I know everything there is to know about milk and dairy farms. I can do this! She sent in her entry, and several weeks later, a black car pulled up in front of her house. A large man got out, knocked on her door and said, "Ma'am, the president of Carnation milk absolutely LOVED your entry ... So much, in fact, that we are here to award you $1,000 even though we will not be able to use it for our advertisements!" He did, however, have one printed up to hang on his office wall. Here is a picture:
CONFUCIUS DIDN'T SAY...
Submitted by: Some Lotus Blossom Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient. Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly. Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent. Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts. Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion. Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted. Man who eats many prunes get good run for money. War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left. Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it. Man who drives like hell is bound to get there. Man who stands on toilet is high on pot. Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement. Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs. Finally, CONFUCIUS DID SAY... "A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!" BOTTLE OF MERLOT
Submitted by: Bigfoot A man asked a waiter to take an expensive bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant. She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants'. After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady. It read: 'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine back.. NEW GUN
Submitted by: Pistol Packin' Mama
Ruger is coming out with a new pistol in honor of Senators and Representatives. It will be named the "Congressman".
It doesn't work and you can't fire it. BAR TALK
Submitted by: Crocodile Dundee I was standing in a bar in Cairns – North Queensland and this little Chinese guy comes in and stands next to me. I said to him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?" He says "No, why the fluck you ask me dat, is it coz I Chinee"? "No", I say, "It's because you're drinking my beer you slanty eyed little prick. SOUTHERNERS
Submitted by: Southern Belle Alabama "Where's Henry?" the others asked. "Henry had a stroke o' some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied. "You left Henry layin' out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired. "A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one's gonna steal Henry!" Georgia He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings." Louisiana When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world." Mississippi Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?" The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number." North Carolina A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?" The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither." Tennessee The driver replied, "Bout whut?" Texas "Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.'" *** ELDER BANKING
Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times. Dear Sir: I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows: IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH #1. To make an appointment to see me #2. To query a missing payment. #3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there. #4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping. #5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. #6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home. #7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier. #8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through #9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. #10. This is a second reminder to press* for English. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year? Your Humble Client And remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off. THE MUSLIM SUICIDE EQUATION
Submitted by: Cisco Kid Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. Lets have a look at the evidence: Then they tell you that "when you die, it all gets better"?? Well no shit Sherlock!.... It's not like it could get much worse. CONTENDERS FOR WORLD'S BIGGEST LIES
Submitted by: Liar Liar The check is in the mail. I'll respect you in the morning. I'm from your government, and I am here to help you. It's only a cold sore. You get this one, I'll pay next time. My wife doesn't understand me. Trust me, I'll take care of everything. Of course I love you. I am getting a divorce. Drinking? Why, no, Officer. I never inhaled. It's not the money, it's the principle of the thing. I never watch television except for PBS. ...but we can still be good friends. She means nothing to me. Don't worry, I can go another 20 miles when the gauge is on "empty." I gave at the office. Don't worry, he's never bitten anyone. I'll call you later. We'll release the upgrade by the end of the year. Read my lips: no new taxes. I've never done anything like this before. Now, I'm going to tell you the truth. It's supposed to make that noise. I *love* your new _____! ...then take a left. You can't miss it. Yes, I did. Don't worry, it's OK - I'm sterile. PIGISH TO A FAULT
Submitted by: PIGster Redneck The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did... she's 21 and her name's Lucy. * * * * * The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops ... although, they do make me look a bit gay. * * * * * My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether." * * * * * Question - Are there too many immigrants in the US? * * * * * The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries! * * * * * A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead." The operator says, "How do you know?" He says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!" * * * * * My girlfriend says she thinks that I might be a stalker. Well... she's not exactly my girlfriend yet. * * * * * My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I went down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back. * * * * * The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches to the driveway. RIDDLE
Submitted by: The Riddler Only 5% of Stanford University graduates figured it out! 1. The word has seven letters.... Did you figure it out? Try hard before looking at the answers. Did you get it yet? Give up? Brace yourself for the answer.... The Answer is: NOTHING! NOTHING has 7 letters. FOUR HOUR ERECTION
Submitted by: Woody
What happens when you ask for help with an erection lasting more than 4 hours? Earl walked into a drug store in Kentucky and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees. She then asked if she could help him. Earl said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The lady pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with a high level of professionalism. Earl then agreed and began by saying, 'This is tough for me to discuss, but I get erections every day that last more than four hours. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.' The pharmacist said, 'Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister.' When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do 1/3 ownership in the store, a company pickup truck, a king size bed and $3,000 a month in living expenses. MIND GAMES
Submitted by: PIGster Grammy A practical example of how the human mind works
Analysis of the above picture can tell us a lot about how different people think. - For young men, it's a picture of a lady with a nice arse but only the most observant will notice that she is crossing a street. - The really observant will notice that she is wearing a thong. - For older men, she appears to be a respectable woman - with a nice arse - on her way to work. - Wiser men will ponder the presence of mind of the photographer to take the shot in the face of such beauty and be grateful that they shared it with humanity. - For half of the women, this is an ordinary woman who should not have left home dressed that way. - The other half will think she is a slut but wonder where she bought that blouse. - Older women will imagine the misery that the woman's arse will cause by the time she reaches 50. - But only children, the extremely intelligent and the celibate will notice that the taxi is being driven by a dog. BIG SCREEN WISDOM
Submitted by: Siskel Things you would never know if it weren't for the movies... Large, loft apartments in New York City are plentiful and affordable, even if the tenants are unemployed. One of a pair of identical twins is evil. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry about which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one. It doesn't matter if you are greatly outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts. Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one... dancing around in a threatening manner until you have dispatched their predecessors. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible but slightly blue. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to be a world-famous expert on nuclear fission, dinosaurs, hieroglyphics, or anything else, at the age of 22. Honest and hard-working policemen are usually gunned down a day or two before retirement. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their enemies using complex machinery involving fuses, deadly gasses, lasers, buzz saws and hungry sharks, all of which will give their captives at least 20 minutes to escape. During all crime investigations, it is necessary to visit a strip club at least once. All beds have special L-shaped covers that reach up to the armpits of a woman but only to the waist of the man lying beside her. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one French bread and one bunch of carrots with leafy tops. It's easy to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down. If you are beautiful, your makeup never rubs off, even while scuba-diving or fighting aliens. However if you are overweight, your mascara will run and your lipstick will smear. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it is not necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do. A man will show no pain while taking the most horrific beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. If staying in a haunted house, women must investigate any strange noises in their most diaphanous underwear, which is what they happened to be wearing when the car broke down. If someone says "I'll be right back", they won't. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel from time to time. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off. A police detective can only solve a case after he has been suspended from duty. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone around you will be able to mirror all the steps you come up with, and hear the music in your head. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure each is assigned a partner who is their total opposite. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other. THE PERFECT PASSWORD
Submitted by: Is That All You've Got A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, the computer advised him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on. The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife what he was entering by stating each letter out loud as he typed: P...E...N...I...S His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied: **** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH*** A GOOD LESSON ON FEMALE COMPASSION Submitted by: Miss Congeniality A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs. Three women, from England, Wales, and Scotland, were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man. The English woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?' The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on. The welsh woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?' The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on. The Scottish woman came to him and said, 'Have you ever been fucked?' The man broke into a big smile and said, 'No.' She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in.' THE OIL CHANGE
[Full disclosure: A PIGster found this on I Own The World and sent it our way. PIGster's identity is PIG Top Secret.] Oil Change instructions for Women: 1. Pull up to Dealership when the mileage reaches 3,000 miles since the last oil change. 2. Drink a cup of coffee. 3. 15 minutes later, scan debit card and leave, driving a properly maintained vehicle. Money spent: TOTAL: $24.00 Oil Change instructions for Men: 1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree,and use your debit card for $50.00. 2. Stop by Beer Store and buy a case of beer, (debit $24), drive home 3. Open a beer and drink it. 4. Jack truck up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. 5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car. 6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it. 7. Place drain pan under engine. 8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench. 9. Give up and use crescent wrench. 10. Unscrew drain plug. 11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss. 12. Crawl out from under truck to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil. 13. Have another beer while watching oil drain. 14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench. 15. Give up; crawl under truck and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.. 16. Crawl out from under truck with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer. 17. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface. 18. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine. 19. Remember drain plug from step 11. 20. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan. 21. Drink beer. 22. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill. 23. Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer. 24. Crawl under truck getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame. 25. Begin cussing fit. 26. Throw stupid crescent wrench. 27. Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit truck and left dent. 28. Beer. 29. Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow. 30. Beer. 31. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil. 32. Beer. 33. Lower truck from jack stands. 34. Move truck back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps. 35. Beer. 36. Test drive truck. 37. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence. 38. truck gets impounded. 39. Call loving wife, make bail. 40. 12 hours later, get truck from impound yard. Money spent: Parts: $50.00 TOTAL: $4,145.00 But you know the job was done right! HURT FEELINGS FORM
HERE'S YOUR CARD
Submitted by: The Dealer
A WANG-A-RIFIC TALE
Submitted by: Longfellow An elderly couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches. Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?" The husband agreed and they tied a string And a weight to his penis. A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?" "Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied. "Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?" "No, it's turned black." SMART ASS JOKE TRIFECTA
Submitted by: Some Smartass Joke 1 The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow." The last guy thinks for a moment, and then replies, "I guess I'd like to hear them say, 'Look, he's moving!'" Joke 2 The Engineer said, "In the neighbourhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every 2 years -- say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it." Joke 3 The officer handed the man a citation, and then as he turned to walk back to his cruiser, the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair. There were plenty of other cars around me going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?" "Ever go fishing?" the policeman asked the man. "Um, yeah... so," the startled man replied. The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch ALL the fish?"
REDNECK MEDICAL TERMS Submitted by: Billy-Bob Rednecks seem to have a slightly different view of medical term definitions than the rest of us, lets have a look at a few... Artery = The study of painting Bacteria = The back door of the cafeteria Barium = What doctors do when the patients die Caesarean Section = A neighborhood in Rome Cat Scan = Looking for Socks Cauterize = Made eye contact with her Dilate = Live long Hangnail = Coathook Impotent = Distingquished and well known Labor Pain = Getting hurt at work Morbid = A higher offer Nitrates = Cheaper than day rates Node = Was aware of Papsmear = A paternity test Pelvis = A cousin to Elvis Postoperative = Mail carrier Recovery Room = A place to do upholstery Seizure = A Roman emperor Terminal Illness = Getting sick at the airport Tumor = An additional pair Urine = Opposite of you're out Varicose = Nearby Vein =Conceited ROOSTERS
Submitted by: Some Country Gal A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new rooster for his chicken coop. The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these hens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?' The young rooster laughs. 'You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.' The old rooster takes off running. The farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits. Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - Age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery Always overcome youth and arrogance! HORMONE GUIDE
Submitted by: PMS
STATUS REPORT
Submitted by: PIGster Grammy A sweet grandmother Telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?" The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?" The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302." The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room." After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow." The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news." The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?" The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me shit." PENALTIES
Submitted by: Lorena Bobbett A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag." "Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer." Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?" "Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it? So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.' "Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?" "Not everybody pays." HIS FIRST CONDOM
Submitted by: Some Eager Beaver I was 16. I went in to buy a pack of condoms at the Rexall Drug store. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Delores) knew what they were for. She was working behind the counter. It was late and the pharmacist had already left. Delores could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I answered honestly, No, not really. So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. Apparently I still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was. Just a minute, she said, and walked to the door and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. Do these excite you? she asked without embarrassment. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth gaping open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. Well, come on, she said, We don't have much time. So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW! I was done within a few moments. She looked at me with a bit of a frown. Did you put that condom on correctly? she asked. I said, Sure did, and held up my thumb to show her. She then beat the shit out of me. Women have always been hard for me to figure out. HUMOR BREAK
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!' While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again! As she ran she once again began to pray, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!' * * * * * * * PIGISH WISDOM
Stolen From: PIG's Tasty Tidbits Restroom/Barroom Signs: Friends don't let friends take home ugly men. Beauty is only a light switch away. If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives. Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit. (Men's Room @ Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, NC) At the feast of ego everyone leaves hungry. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. Make love, not war. Hell, do both! Get married! If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress! Express Lane: Five beers or less You're too good for him. No wonder you always go home alone. And perhaps the most realistic one: A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it. (Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, TX) Romance Mathematics: Smart man + smart woman = romance Shopping Math: A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs. A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need. Happiness: To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. Longevity: Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die. Propensity to Change: A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does. Discussion Technique: A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. How to Stop People from Bugging You About Getting Married: Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals. GENDERALLY SPEAKING
Stolen From: Page One PIG Dictionary for Women's Personal Ads: 40-ish = 49 Women's English: 1. Yes = No Men's English: 1. I am hungry = I am hungry And finally... A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle. For example, when a woman is ovulating, she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine, features. However, when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eyes and a cricket stump shoved up his backside. THE STRESS TEST
GROWING UP WITHOUT A CELL PHONE
If you are 36, or older, you might think this is hilarious! When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning....Uphill... Barefoot...BOTH ways...yadda, yadda, yadda And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to laya bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it! But now that I'm over the ripe old age of forty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it! 1) I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!! 2) There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents! 3) Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe! 4) There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself! 5) Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby! Dig? 6) We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it! 7) There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a damn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOSH !!! Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there's TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are.8) And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister! 9) We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen.. Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE! 10) You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!! Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?! 11) There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards! 12) And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that! 13) And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside... you were doing chores! And car seats - oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on. If you were lucky, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place! See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1970 or any time before! Regards, The Over 40 Crowd IT'S UTTERLY STIMULATING
Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment. This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format: Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment? Q. Where will the government get this money? Q. So the government is giving me back my own money? Q. What is the purpose of this payment? A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy. Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China? Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. economy by spending your stimulus check wisely: * If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka. * If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs. * If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan or China. * If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala. * If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea. * If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan. * If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore. Instead, keep the money in America by: 1) Spending it at yard sales, or (These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S.) Conclusion: No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help. GROSS
[Gross? Yup. Sacreligious? That too. Did it make us laugh? Yup. Will we tell you who sent it to us? Nope. Name withheld to protect the guilty? You better believe it, Sparky.] BREAKING NEWS, THIS JUST IN ............. OSAMA BIN LADEN has just met with the first of his 72 virgins that had been promised to him.
'ALLAH AKBAR!!' To Hell With That Yellow Brick Road
Proudly InKorrect
Submitted by: Some PIGgal A fat girl served me food in McDonalds at lunch time. She said, 'Sorry about the wait.' The Dead Cow Lecture
Submitted by: Some Finger Licker This is the best example for paying attention that I have ever heard. First-year students at the OSU Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first thing is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal's body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid. How Old Guys Pick Up Chicks
Submitted by: Methuselah I met a girl in the park the other evening.
There was an instant spark between us and she immediately dropped to her knees and laid on the grass at my feet. As we lay making love, I thought, "These taser guns are well worth the money". YUMMY!
Submitted By:Cisco Kid
THE MULE
Stolen From: Page One PIG's Tasty Tidbits Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily News Newspaper in Starkville, MS. and bought a mule for $100. Limit all US politicians to two terms. One in prison. Seven Degrees Of Blonde
Submitted By: The Lights Are On... FIRST DEGREE: The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said 'How should I know; that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up. The husband said, 'Who was that?' SECOND DEGREE: She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.' The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!' So, the first blonde hands her the compact. The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!' She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!' The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!' FOURTH DEGREE: A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?' The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy it's W.' FIFTH DEGREE: A: 'Is it mine?' SIXTH DEGREE: The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware.' SEVENTH DEGREE The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!' A Real Woman
Submitted By: Cisco Kid A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible... I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that $h#t!!!!!!!!! Never mind. Old Guys Continue To Rule
Submitted By: PIGster Rod I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66). IT'S A DOGS LIFE
Stolen from: Page One Tasty Tidbits
...My dog is a Liberal! WORLD'S SHORTEST BOOKS
Submitted by:T-Cro _________________________________________ THINGS I DID TO DESERVE THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE By Barack Obama MY BLACK GIRLFRIENDS By Tiger Woods THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY Forward by George Soros MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS & HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA By Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton By Hillary Clinton By Bill Clinton By Bill Gates By Dennis Rodman THINGS WE KNOW TO BE TRUE By Al Gore & John Kerry By Amelia Earhart HOW TO LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST By Dr. Jack Kevorkian TO ALL THE MEN WE HAVE LOVED BEFORE By Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnell GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE By Mike Tyson THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS By O. J. Simpson By Ted Kennedy By Bill Clinton With introduction by The Rev. Jesse Jackson By The Philadelphia Eagles MY COMPLETE KNOWLEDGE OF MILITARY STRATEGY By Nancy Pelosi LITTLE CAROL
Submitted by: PIGster Rod Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner. Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to tell her mother what she wanted. 'Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.' Little Carol, of course, thought she did. Carol's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on her behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell him why she deserved a bike for her birthday. Little Carol stomped up the steps to her room and sat down to write God a letter. Thank you, Carol JAILS AND NURSING HOMES
Submitted by:Double Edge Here's the way it should be: Let's put the seniors in jail and the criminals in nursing homes. s This would correct two things in one motion: Seniors would have access to showers, hobbies and walks. They would receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, They would receive money instead of having to pay it out. They would have constant video monitoring, so they would be helped instantly Bedding would be washed twice a week and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them. A guard would check on them every 20 minutes. All meals and snacks would be brought to them They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose. They would have access to a library, weight/fitness room, spiritual counseling, a pool and education...and free admission to in-house concerts by nationally recognized entertainment artists. Simple clothing - ie., shoes, slippers, pj's - and legal aid would be free, upon request. There would be private, secure rooms provided for all with an outdoor exercise yard complete with gardens. Each senior would have a P.C., T.V., phone and radio in their room at no cost. They would receive daily phone calls. There would be a board of directors to hear any complaints and the ACLU would fight for their rights and protection. The guards would have a code of conduct to be strictly adhered to, with attorneys available, at no charge to protect the seniors and their families from abuse or neglect. As for the criminals: They would receive cold food. They would be left alone and unsupervised. They would receive showers once a week. They would live in tiny rooms, for which they would have to pay $5,000 per month. They would have no hope of ever getting out. "Sounds like justice to me!" IF MEN RULED THE WORLD...
Submitted by:PIGster Rod 1. Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number. A TOP TEN MONDAY MOMENT
Submitted by:Double Edge Top ten ways to tell if you might be a member of a public-sector union by David Letterman 5.) You think the French are working themselves to death. 4.) You know by having a copy of the Holy Koran on your desk your job is 100% safe. PIGISH SEX THERAPY
When I was born, I was given a choice: Being physically endowed or a good memory. I don't remember, what I chose. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects. Impotence: Nature's way of saying: 'No hard feelings...' There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men: 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri weekly, try weekly, and try weakly. Virginity can be cured. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy. Despite the old saying: 'Don't take your troubles to bed'. Many men still sleep with their wives. GREEN SPOTS
Submitted by: Mustache Ride "They won't wash off, they won't scrape off and they seem to be getting worse." The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until the tests come back. A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor. She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots. The woman stammers, "Why, yes, but how did you know?" "Tell him his earrings aren't real gold." HILLBILLY FARMER
Submitted by: Some Hoofer An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot. One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot. At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men. The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement." "And what about the men?" the minister asked. "They wanted to know if the mule was for sale." DOCTOR DAVE
Submitted by: Some Sick Puppy Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming. THE LONE RANGER'S LAST REQUEST
Submitted by: Kemo Sabe The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party. A SIGN FROM THE BEDROCK BAR & GRILL
Submitted by: PIGster Rod
A PIGISH PUBLIC SERVICE
Submitted by: L. Bow Bender Things that are difficult to say when drunk: TOWEL HEAD HUMOR, ZINGERS AND ONE-LINERS
Submitted by:PIGster Rod A Muslim walks into a brothel in Cairo and says he wants to pay to have sex with a Camel. The proprietor asks, "Will that be one hump or two?" PORKING OUT, PIG STYLE
Submitted by:PIGster Pete
CATCHING LIGHTNING IN A BOTTLE, TWICE
Submitted by:Cisco Kid If this does not touch your heart, then you just don't have one. An incredible story of luck and inspiration! Can you believe it? This guy, Ade Taylor, wins $181 million in the lottery last Wednesday, and then finds the love of his life just 2 days later.
Talk about LUCK! 13 REASONS WHY HANDGUNS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN
Submitted by: PIGster Hot Rod 1) You can buy a silencer for a handgun. KEEPING HER HAPPY
Submitted by: I’m Not Worthy It's really not difficult to make a woman happy. POLICE HARASSMENT
Recently, a CA Police Department ran an e-mail forum (a question and answer exchange) with the topic being, 'Community Policing.' One of the civilian e-mail participants posed the following question, 'I would like to know how it is possible for police officers to continually harass people and get away with it?' From the 'other side' (the law enforcement side) Sgt. Bennett, obviously a cop with a sense of humor replied: 'First of all, let me tell you this…it's not easy. In Chula Vista , we average one cop for every 600 people. Only about 60% of those cops are on general duty (or what you might refer to as 'patrol') where we do most of our harassing. The rest are in non-harassing departments that do not allow them contact with the day to day innocents. And at any given moment, only one-fifth of the 60% patrollers are on duty and available for harassing people while the rest are off duty. So roughly, one cop is responsible for harassing about 5,000 residents. When you toss in the commercial business, and tourist locations that attract people from other areas, sometimes you have a situation where a single cop is responsible for harassing 10,000 or more people a day. Now, your average ten-hour shift runs 36,000 seconds long. This gives a cop one second to harass a person, and then only three-fourths of a second to eat a donut AND then find a new person to harass. This is not an easy task. To be honest, most cops are not up to this challenge day in and day out. It is just too tiring. What we do is utilize some tools to help us narrow down those people which we can realistically harass. The tools available to us are as follows: PHONE: People will call us up and point out things that cause us to focus on a person for special harassment. 'My neighbor is beating his wife' is a code phrase used often. This means we'll come out and give somebody some special harassment. Another popular one is, 'There's a guy breaking into a house.' The harassment team is then put into action. CARS: We have special cops assigned to harass people who drive. They like to harass the drivers of fast cars, cars with no insurance or no driver's licenses and the like. It's lots of fun when you pick them out of traffic for nothing more obvious than running a red light. Sometimes you get to really heap the harassment on when you find they have drugs in the car, they are drunk, or have an outstanding warrant on file. RUNNERS: Some people take off running just at the sight of a police officer. Nothing is quite as satisfying as running after them like a beagle on the scent of a bunny. When you catch them you can harass them for hours. STATUTES: When we don't have PHONES or CARS and have nothing better to do, there are actually books that give us ideas for reasons to harass folks. They are called 'Statutes'; Criminal Codes, Motor Vehicle Codes, etc. ... They all spell out all sorts of things for which you can really mess with people. After you read the statute, you can just drive around for awhile until you find someone violating one of these listed offenses and harass them. Just last week I saw a guy trying to steal a car. Well, there's this book we have that says that's not allowed. That meant I got permission to harass this guy. It is a really cool system that we have set up, and it works pretty well. We seem to have a never-ending supply of folks to harass. And we get away with it. Why? Because for the good citizens who pay the tab, we try to keep the streets safe for them, and they pay us to 'harass' some people. Next time you are in my town, give me the old 'single finger wave.' That's another one of those codes. It means, 'You can harass me.' It's one of our favorites. CLASS WARFARE Submitted by:Cisco Kid Classes for Women at WHO NEEDS DR. PHIL
Submitted by: Bi-Polar Bob I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished." So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates, and a half bottle of scotch. PIGISH WISDOM
Submitted by: Oinkistotle As You Slide Down the Banister of Life in 2010-Remember INVISIBLE MAN
Submitted by: Toe Tagged Feeling unappreciated? The next time you feel that nobody loves you, no one cares, or that no one ever notices you, think of this guy: Things Got Ya Down? Well Then, Consider These THE IRISH VIRGINITY TEST
THE INDIAN WITH ONE TESTICLE
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, 'If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!' The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.' Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die! Why? Oh, come on ... take a guess! Think about it! You're going to love this! Everyone knows ... you can't kill two birds with Onestone! NEW FEDERAL GOVERNMENT RULES FOR GOLFING
President BHO recently appointed a "Golf Czar" who is formulating major rule changes to become effective on Jan. 1, 2011. This is only a preview as the new rules (expect at least 2000 pages) are still being written as we speak. Here are a few of the new provisions. Golfers with handicaps: - below 10 will have their green fees increased by 35%. - between 11 and 18 will see no increase in green fees. - above 18 will get a $20 check each time they play. The term "gimme" will be changed to "entitlement" and will be used as follows: -handicaps below 10, no entitlements. -handicaps from 11 to 17, entitlements for putter length putts. -handicaps above 18, when your ball makes the green, you're done. Putting unnecessary. Scoring: A Player is limited to a maximum of one birdie or six pars in any given 18-hole round. Any excess must be distributed among those fellow players who have not yet scored a birdie or par. Only after all players have received a birdie or par from the player actually making the birdie or par, can that player begin to count his pars and birdies again. The current USGA handicap system will be used for the above purposes, but the term 'net score' will be available only for scoring those players with handicaps of 18 and above. These new rules are intended to bring about fairness and equality in scoring and to spread the success of winning by ensuring that in every round the above 18 handicap players will post only 'net score' against every other player's gross score. Golf must be about "Fairness". It should have nothing to do with talent, ability, hard work, practice, and responsibility. This is only the "Right thing to do". BHO will next be appointing Basketball, Baseball and Football Czars. There is so much work for his administration to get done! Thank god he is so smart and adept at multitasking. ASK AND YOU SHALL RECEIVE Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. Man: "Hello" Woman: "Honey, it's me. are you at the club?" Man: "Yes." Woman: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it ok if I buy it?" Man: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much." Woman: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2010 models. I saw one I really liked." Man: "How much?" Woman: "$65,000." Man: "Ok, but for that price I want it with all the options." Woman: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000." Man: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000." Woman: "Ok. I'll see you later! I love you!" Man: "Bye, I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is? SAINTS TICKETS FOR SALE Saints Tickets, section 118, row 6 seat 4&5 I have 2 Saints season tickets for sale. It seems that my wife doesn't want to attend any more of their games as she doesn't like the person who sits in the seat next to us. I've included a picture of the view from the seats to confirm location below. Tickets will be sold to the highest bidder. Current Bid: $4,500 each
WHAT'S YOUR BUSINESS SIGN?
Instead of Astrological Signs, how about these... What's Your Business Sign? MARKETING -- You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales. SALES -- Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree." You are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life. TECHNOLOGY -- Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying but who the hell can tell. It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth. ENGINEERING -- One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that engineers place ninety percent of all Personal Ads. You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel syndrome." ACCOUNTING -- The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane. HUMAN RESOURCES -- Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then mail a letter. MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT -- Catty, cutthroat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers" as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager." SENIOR MANAGEMENT -- (See above - Same sign, different title) CUSTOMER SERVICE -- Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager. CONSULTANT -- Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your "skills" are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking direct action. RECRUITER, "HEADHUNTER" -- As a "person" that profits from the success of others, most people who actually work for a living disdain you. Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market. PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO -- You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems such as the fax machine suggest the latter. GEOGRAPHY LESSONS .GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN HOW TO START A FIGHT
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started... I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes.' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started... The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself." And that's when the fight started..... I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" And then the fight started... When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but I wil l always have a limp. She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started... The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" And that's how the fight started... She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds." I bought her a bathroom scale. And then the fight started...... I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.' And then the fight started... She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment." I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect." And then the fight started........
THE LAST ARGUEMENT
"O.K. Honey!" "We're here! " "I said I was sorry!" "You can come out now!"
A PIGISH FOOD PYRAMID Submitted by: Chef Boy Ardee Posted by: Mama Celeste Ever wonder what fuels PIG's brainstorming sessions. Take note of the food pyramid, below. Between Porcus and Hambo and their strict adherence to the essentials listed on the pyramid, they are able to offer up heapings of Incorrectness on a daily basis. We hope we have all the current Korrectly defined dietary taboo's covered, and yes, we are what we eat, and we love it!
Note to Behavioral Nazi's:We thank you in advance for your concern, but we've got ourselves covered. Gotta go! Hambo's in the act of swiping the last slice of pizza and cold beer. PIGISH NURSERY RHYMES
Submitted by: Mutha F-ing Goose Posted by: Some Grimm Brotha Mary had a little pig, WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST
Submitted by: Auntie Em Posted by: Dorothy We at The F.S.O.P.don't normally endorse politicians, but with the mid-terms approaching, with that comes the usual mud slinging ads...until now. Republican John Dennis of California's 8th Congessional District is currently running perhaps the most creative political ad ever, using the Wizard of Oz as the backdrop, complete with the Cowardly Lion, Tin Man, Scarecrow, Dorothy and Nancy Pelosi as...you guessed it The Wicked Witch Of The West. PIG Props to the Dennis campaign for adding a new twist to the political season with this ad. If you haven't seen it, or want to see it again, click here for the clip:
A TALKING CLOCK
Submitted by: Gene Gene The Dancing Machine Posted by: Chuck Barris After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
"What's up with the big brass gong?" one of his guests asked. "How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it. A HOMELESS MAN'S FUNERAL
Submitted by: PIGster Rod F. OSU BUCKEYES WELCOME NEBRASKA
Submitted by: A Happy Husker Posted by: A Blubbering Buckeye Since Nebraska is joining the Big Ten in 2011, Ohio State's marching band has already been practicing for Nebraska 's first visit to the Buckeye's "Horseshoe" stadium. 
“YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF…” [Liberated From Weasel Zippers] 1.. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor. 2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can’t afford shoes. 3. You have more wives than teeth. 4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon “unclean.” 5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide. 6. You can’t think of anyone you haven’t declared Jihad against. 7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing. 8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs. 9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four. 10. You’ve always had a crush on your neighbor’s goat. CRUISE CONTROL
Submitted by: Captain Sly Posted by: Nice ‘n Easy DEAR DIARY - DAY 1 LIBERAL PICKUP LINES
Submitted by: Comrade Casanova Posted by: Basement Boy [Source: The Looking Spoon] Actually not an easy task trying to come up with good ones (I'm not sure I did), but it seemed fun to at least attempt. If you're not a fan of juvenile and/or sexual innuendo then some of these may not be for you...consider yourself warned. Lets go back to my place so we can hike up your taxes and bash some Bush Can I get someone else to buy you a drink? Is the money in your pocket inflated or are you just happy to see me? How about going out for taxes and sex? What?!? You don't like sex? Reid.....Harry Reid My safety word is "Lower my taxes" I'm hung lower than Congress's approval rating I wanna ride you like a Prius I'm going to love you 'till Obama reads Arizona's immigration law. (San Francisco special) Is that a banana in your pocket or are you really a dude My safety word is "Praise Jesus Amen!" Fwank....Bawney Fwank Let me buy you a glass of Blame Bush, its my favorite red whine You know what they say about guys with big carbon footprints....they have big private jets Here are some of my favorites from Twitter's #LiberalPickupLines hashtag "You had me at Mao!" your mouth says "no," but this order from the 9th District Court of Appeals says "yes" I get nude for animals. How about you? Whats a Nice Girl like you doing in an Abortion Clinic like this? I will make you scream the name of that guy you don't believe in. My parents aren't home right now." "I'm a covered benefit under your health insurance plan." Can I organize your community?" "Come up to my apartment and I'll show you some REAL inflation." If you were Afghanistan I would never pull out. Here are some good ones from a thread at Free Republic. If I told you you had a nice Pelosi, would you hold it against me Just call me Ralph Nader. Unsafe at any speed I love the way you braided your armpit hair. ENGLISH RULES!
Submitted by: English Only Posted by: Press THIS, Colonista Breath Somebody put a lot of work into this! – this is great! You think English is easy? Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. I'M A FATHER
Submitted by: Now That’s Funny Posted by: Some Guy Named Larry A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards. The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.' The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.' The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.' The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!' The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar." PIGISH HISTORY aka 'THE REST OF THE STORY'
Submitted by: Paul Harvey’s Ghost Posted by: Doubting Thomas Where did Piss Poor come from? IT'S A COMIN'
Submitted by: Bucking Bronco Posted by: Saddle Sore Three strangers strike up a conversation in the passenger lounge of the Bozeman, Montana airport while waiting for their respective flights… One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer, another is a Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show, and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student newly arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East ... Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull. The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table, tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face, and lights a cigarette. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around and the old windsock is flapping, but still no plane comes. Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, 'At one time here... my people were many... but sadly, now we are few.' The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, 'Once my people were few,' he sneers, 'and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?' The cowboy removes his cigarette from his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a smooth drawl . . . 'I reckon that's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'.' PIGISH WISDOM
Submitted by: Lethal Weapon Posted by: Smith & Wesson Things that I found helpful by living this long. The purpose of fighting is to win. DEBUTANTE BALL
Submitted by: Yo Mama Posted by: Goy Boy A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner: "Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal mess dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last point: no Jews please." At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in mess dress, four handsome, smiling black naval officers. Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, "There must be some mistake." "No, Maam," said the first officer. "Captain Goldstein never makes mistakes." GENDERALLY SPEAKING
Submitted by: Her Bull’s-eye Posted by: Begging For It NICKNAMES 5 THINGS PMS STANDS FOR 1. Pass My Shotgun 2. Psychotic Mood Shift 3. Perpetual Munching Spree 4. Pardon My Sobbing and my favorite one: 5. Potential Murder Suspect REDISTRIBUTION
Submitted by: Class Warrior Posted by: Indian Giver Here it is PIGsters. Here’s the gift Messiah Barry and Oprah sent to Chelsea Clinton and her horseface loving hubby.
If that doesn’t bring a tear to your eye, you’re hopeless, cold-hearted Sparky. PIGISH GOLF FACTS
Submitted by: Some Duffer Posted by: Putter Envy Conventional wisdom says golf wenches are at a competitive disadvantage, compared to their male counterparts. We beg to differ: A new pair of French sunglasses: $100 Matching lavender outfit: $2,000 NIKE product endorsements: $10,000,000
Having that ‘special place’ to hold your putter....PRICELESS! I MISS BILL CLINTON
Submitted by: Nick Nostalgia Posted by: Bubba’s Plumper Cigar Humador "Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton! He was the closest thing we ever got to having a black man as President. Number 1 - He played the sax.. Even now? Look at him...His wife works, and he doesn't! And, he gets a check from the government every month. Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America 's shelves this week with " Clinton Soup," in honor of one of the nations' distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada . When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, "I don't know, I never had one." The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know." Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do Hanky Panky between the Bushes." AMAZING ELECTED TORMENTOR ADVENTURES
Submitted by: Sky King, Jr. Posted by: Frequent Flyer A DC ticket agent offers some examples of 'why' our country is in trouble: SELF SUFFICIENCY
Submitted By: Some Good Egg Posted by: That Mother Clucker
AAADD
Submitted by: I Forgot Posted by: Where Was I KNOW THE SYMPTOMS Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder. Somehow I feel better even though I have it!! Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. Age Associated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests: I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing. As I start toward the garage,I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys on the table,put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full. So I decide to put the bills back on the table & take out the garbage first. But then I think,since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking. I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Pepsi aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I put the Pepsi on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote someone had left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs.. But first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers. Quite a bit of it spills on the floor. Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do. At the end of the day: Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail..... FINALLY! TOOLS EXPLAINED
Submitted by: Handy Andy Posted by: Thumbs McHammer Drill Press: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it. Phillips Screwdriver: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. THE IMPORTANCE OF WALKING
Submitted by: Ranger Walker Posted by: Paul’s Bunion Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month. THE BRIDE...
Submitted by: I. M. Cherry JESUS AND THE DEMOCRAT
Submitted by: Some Saint Posted by: Some Sinner A Republican, in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" LAST RITES
Submitted by: Father Shecky Posted by: Some Heretic Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Washington DC parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of air and to see the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the US House of Representatives for assistance. The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Speaker Pelosi. How might I help you?" "And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?" Speaker Pelosi, considering herself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!" There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to first notify the next of kin." JUST FOR LAUGHS
Submitted by: Smarty Pants Posted by: Chuckles The Clown Revenge Is Sweet
Golf For Beginners
A Jolly Good Recovery
How Men Screw Up Romance
HEADLINES FROM THE 2029
Submitted by: PIGster Redneck Posted by: Carnac The Magnificent, Jr.
- White Minorities Still Trying to Have English Recognized as Mexifornia's Third Language. - Spotted Owl Plague Threatens Northwestern United States Crops and Livestock. - Baby Conceived Naturally! Scientists Stumped. - Couple Petitions Court to Reinstate Heterosexual Marriage. - Iran Still Closed Off; Physicists Estimate it Will Take at Least 10 More Years Before Radioactivity Decreases to Safe Levels. - France Pleads for Global Help after Being Taken over by Liechtenstein. No Other Country Comes Forward to Help the Beleaguered Nation! - Castro Finally Dies at Age 112; Cuban Cigars Can Now Be Imported Legally, but President Chelsea Clinton Has Banned All Smoking. - George Z. Bush Says He Will Run for President in 2036. - Postal Service Raises Price of First Class Stamp to $17.89 and Reduces Mail Delivery to Wednesdays Only. - 85-year $75.8 Billion Study: Diet and Exercise Is the Key to Weight Loss. - Average Weight of Americans Drops to 250 Lbs. - Global Cooling Blamed for Citrus Crop Failure for Third Consecutive Year in Mexifornia and Florida. - Japanese Scientists Have Created a Camera with Such a Fast Shutter Speed They Now Can Photograph a Woman with Her Mouth Shut. - Abortion Clinics Now Available in Every High School in United States. - Senate Still Blocking Drilling in Anwr Even Though Gas Is Selling for 4532 Pesos per Liter and Gas Stations Are Only Open on Tuesdays and Fridays. - Massachusetts Executes Last Remaining Conservative. - Supreme Court Rules Punishment of Criminals Violates Their Civil Rights. - Average Height of NBA Players Is Now Nine Feet, Seven Inches. - New Federal Law Requires That All Nail Clippers, Screwdrivers, Fly Swatters and Rolled-Up Newspapers Must Be Registered by January 2030. - IRS Sets Lowest Tax Rate at 75 Percent. - Florida Voters Still Having Trouble with Voting Machines. ANOTHER CRAIG'S LIST CLASSIC
Submitted by: Cisco Kid
MINORITIES
Submitted by: A Patriotic PIGster We need to show more sympathy for these people. They travel miles in the heat. They risk their lives crossing a border. They don't get paid enough wages. They do jobs that others won't do or are afraid to do. They live in crowded conditions among a people who speak a different language. They rarely see their families, and they face adversity all day - every day. I'm not talking about illegal Mexicans - I'm talking about our troops!
CRISIS IN CALIFORNIA!!!
Submitted by: Flanders This financial crisis is forcing California to make some tough decisions.
There's a real risk we may have to lay off Jose. PUCKER UP
Submitted by: P. T. Barnum LADY SELLING Lemonade on the Beach
ELECTRIFYING ENLIGHTENMENT
Submitted by: Don’t Tase Me, Bro Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer. I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room. PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it! WAL-MART DIAGNOSIS
Submitted by: Some Know It All One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Bob says to Mike …. 'My elbow hurts like the dickens! I guess I'd better see a doctor.' POSSIBILITIES
Submitted by: PIGster Rod F. I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors - green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at her. The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time. When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked: “What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?” Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one! In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid ………… “Got stoned once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my daughter."
BS BINGO! Submitted by: Some Pooper You’ve seen the card, but finally someone has explained the directions to you! This works quite well. Tried it yesterday with press conference on oil spill. Did not get BINGO, but came close.
THERE GOES THE NEIGHBORHOOD
Submitted by: One Pissed Off PIGster The "America Sucks" attitude is alive and well on Filmore Street in Medford, Oregon, as seen in this photo taken by PIGster J-Cro.
Remember, that's Filmore Street, Medford, Oregon. COURTROOM BOMBSHELL
Submitted by: Some Seafaring Gangbanger
There was an audible gasp in the courtroom when the leader of the pirates announced, “We are doing God’s work. We work for Lloyd Blankfein.” The pirate, who said he earned a bonus of $48 million in dubloons last year, elaborated on the nature of the Somalis’ work for Goldman, explaining that the pirates forcibly attacked ships that Goldman had already shorted. “We were functioning as investment bankers, only every day was casual Friday,” the pirate said. The pirate acknowledged that they merged their operations with Goldman in late 2008 to take advantage of the more relaxed regulations governing bankers as opposed to pirates, “plus to get our share of the bailout money.” In the aftermath of the shocking revelations, government prosecutors were scrambling to see if they still had a case against the Somali pirates, who would now be treated as bankers in the eyes of the law. “There are lots of laws that could bring these guys down if they were, in fact, pirates,” one government source said. “But if they’re bankers, our hands are tied. SOMETHING'S FISHY
Submitted by: Don’t Ask No Sir Officer, We've Only Been Fishing... Here's the latest drug runner toy from Europe. This thing belts across the English channel 3 times per week and was just a blur on the radar of the British Coast Guard. ALABAMA LADIES MEETING
Submitted by: Praise The Lord Posted by: Pass The Ammo For those of you who don't live in Alabama, and think we are a bunch of uncivilized ruffians - well, it's simply NOT TRUE!
A BABY-K FRIDAY DOUBLEHEADER
Submitted by: A Rational Dude Named K-Mart Were you aware of the fact that just recently in Portland, OR a man, down on his luck, having lost his savings, home, retirement, cars, family and even the loyalty of his beloved canine best friend has remained ever faithful, praying that Obama would miraculously As it turns out, after the marshals forcefully evicted him from his home of 25 years, he left with the only important documents he still possessed, i.e., a roll of toilet paper. After many cold nights praying and suffering he was finally rewarded with a most divine message clearly sent from the Messiah himself, Barack Obama! Being homeless and ever hungry, the man squatted in some nearby bushes to relieve himself of what he thought was pretty damned close to nothing, i.e., his last paltry meal. His persistent, pious faith paid off in the fact that he experienced the most joyful, productive, heaven-sent bowel movement that he had ever known. Even more exciting was the fact that he experienced an Obamiphany!! Miraculously, the man was rewarded with a vision of Obama's smiling face in one of the turds compromising this pile of shit of antediluvean magnitude. But wait, it doesn't end there.The man had clearly won Obama's favor, for not only was he rewarded with this miraculous apparition of Obama himself but he was also able to What a blessing, he thought. News of this miracle spread quickly, and the man was contacted by officials from the local catholic parish, who are investigating the circumstances surrounding the country's biggest pile of shit to determine the veracity of this man's claims. So much for reports of the Mexican faithful finding the image of the Virgin Mary in a tortilla. Item #2: Dawgs At first the lady said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare". I explained to her that my dogs are mixed in color, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and have no frigging clue who their daddies are. They expect me to feed them, provide them with housing and medical care, and expect me to feel guilty because they are dogs. "My dogs get their first checks Friday!" DOG TIRED
Submitted by: Some Puppy Lover An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of. He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. LOSING A FRIEND
Submitted by: Some Sentimental Slob Posted by: Over Easy Trying to channel our elusive, sensitive, side, we’re taking a brief timeout to deal with a very sensitive subject. It’s a very touching story about life and death It’s about friendship and loss. Fair warning, you’ll need a hanky or two for this one. It’s certain to stir up your heart. It will leave an indelible mark on your soul.
TO PEE OR NOT TO PEE
Submitted by: A Rational Dem To Pee or Not to Pee Like most folks in this country, I have a job. I work, they pay me. I pay my taxes & the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit. In order to get that paycheck, in my case, I am required to pass a random urine test (with which I have no problem). What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don't have to pass a urine test. So, here is my question: Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare check because I have to pass one to earn it for them? Please understand, I have no problem with helping people get back on their feet. I do, on the other hand, have a problem with helping someone sitting on their BUTT----doing drugs while I work. Can you imagine how much money each state would save if people had to pass a urine test to get a public assistance check? I guess we could call the program "URINE OR YOU'RE OUT"! Pass this along if you agree or simply delete if you don't. Hope you all will pass it along, though. Something has to change in this country - AND SOON! P.S. Just a thought, all politicians should have to pass a urine test too! THE DEVIL MADE US POST THIS!
Submitted by: Some Horny Devil Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the PRINCESS. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what; metal, wood, stone, anything she touched would melt. Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured." The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan. The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth. THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE. The first brought a sword of the finest steel. But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly. The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed. The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there." The princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!! The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after. Question: What was in the prince's pants? M&M's of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand. What were you thinking?? YOU PERVERT GRANDPA & TECHNOLOGY
Submitted by: Some Victim of Technological Terrorism Posted by: Some Technological Neanderthal One of my sons informed me this week that my cell phone has become obsolete and I must head down to the Cell Phone store and get a phone that is contemporary with the time. BRAIN TEASERS
Submitted by: Some Smartass Posted by: Some Dumbass The Questions:
The Answers:
FEELING FUELISH
Source: PIGster Redneck Ole and Sven were drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Minneapolis. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. BANG FOR THE BUCK
Submitted By: Some Wishful Thinker Posted By: Saving My Pennies The new Ferrari "458 Italia" .. This is what it looks like!
And This Is What It Does..
Any questions? Where do I order mine??? WHAT'S IN A NAME?
Submitted by: Cisco Kid All of these are legitimate companies that didn't spend quite enough time to consider how their online name might appear! 2. 'Experts Exchange' is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at: http://www.expertsexchange.com/ 3. Looking for a great pen? Look no further than ' Pen Island'. 4. Need a therapist? Try 'Therapist Finder' at: http://www.therapistfinder.com/ THE ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER
Submitted by: PIGster King Posted by: Hambo Two Different Versions... ......... .... Two Different Morals The The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold. MODERN VERSION The ant works hard in the withering heat and the rain all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while he is cold and starving. CBS, NBC , PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so? Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper and everybody cries when they sing, 'It's Not Easy Being Green.' ACORN stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, "We shall overcome " . Then Rev. Jeremiah Wright has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake. President Obama condemns the ant and blames President Bush, President Reagan, Christopher Columbus, and the Pope for the grasshopper's plight. Nancy Pelosi & Harry Reid exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.. Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the Government Green Czar and given to the grasshopper. The story ends as we see the grasshopper and his free-loading friends finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which, as you recall, just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around them because the grasshopper doesn't maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow, never to be seen again. The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident, and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the ramshackle, once prosperous and once peaceful, neighborhood. The entire Nation collapses bringing the rest of the free world with it. MORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful how you vote in 2010 !! THAT MAGIC MOMENT
Submitted by: PIGster Redneck In the following pictures you see people with very strong facial expressions. Can you identify what is happening?
THEY'RE ALL GETTING READY TO SNEEZE!! What did you think it was, mind in the gutter Sparky?
THE WIT AND WISDOM OF ARTIE LANGE
Submitted by: Foster's Lager
Artie Lange is one of MADTV's original cast members who went on to not only Hollywood and The Howard Stern Radio show, but also gained noteriety as a gluttonous, all-nighter type who shoots first with his wit, and doesn't bother to ask questions later. Howard Stern: "Brad Pitt doesn't have a brain in his head." Artie Lange: "It is great doing a talk show with Nicole Ritchi." Artie Lange (Sam McKenna): "You thinking what I'm thinking? Artie Lange: "I am fine now, I have never felt better in my life." THE FRAUD FROM ABROAD'S HOPE AND CHANGE
Submitted by: PIGster Redneck Let's take a quick look back at the first year in the new era of Hope and Change, shall we? January - The Moonbat Messiah was inaugurated before a crowd that made rude chants at the departing President Bush and completely and utterly trashed the National Mall. And that was just the news media. The Moonbat Messiah immediately began filling his cabinet with tax cheats, dirty lawyers, radical communists, and eugenicists. One of his first acts was to sign a $787 Billion "Stimulus" package that promised to restore the USA to economic prosperity by the fall. February - Obama's EPA began laying the groundwork to declare all human activity subject to Government regulation, via the human capacity for CO2 production, which the EPA designated a deadly gas despite the fact that plants need it to survive. The right-wing began to make jokes about Obama's Teleprompter dependency. It would be eight months before the left would do the same. March - The Green Left designated polar bears the official iconic megafauna of the Global Warming Hoax, using a picture of some bears on an ice floe to claim that the big white beasts were facing extinction (when, in the real world, their numbers are increasing.) Lady M'Chel put in an appearance at soup kitchen and showed off her $540 kicks. Obama also rewarded his friends in Hamas with $900 Million in taxpayer dollars to thank them for their incessant rocket attacks against Israel. Oh, and Keith Olbermann pitched a snit fit when Ann Coulter revealed that his prized Cornell degree actually came from Cornell's cow college affiliate. April - It was discovered the Global Warmists were lying about sea ice melting away. Obama sent Air Force 1 to buzz lower Manhattan, just for kicks and giggles. Benedict Arlen Specter made a principled decision to become a Democrat when polls showed he was cheese toast if he ran as a Republican. Also, the totally free market "don't you dare call them socialists" government of B. Hussein Obama completed the nationalization of General Motors, with the Government and their union allies owning 80% of the company after telling investors who had loaned the companies billions "Be gone, Running Dog parasites! The means of production belong to the workers now." In response to the predations of the Obamunists, a round of tea-parties were held to correspond with April 15th tax day. Distinguished journalists like Anderson Cooper and Rachel Maddow giggled like fifth graders at the word "tea-bag." May -- The Progressive Left focused its rage and scorn on a person who represented the most serious threat to the American way of life in all the 233 years of the Republic's existence. I refer, of course, to Carrie Prejean; who received the kind of treatment from the mainstream media Hitler might have gotten had he been caught throwing puppies into a wood chipper. June -- It was discovered that the EPA was burying memos that said Global Warming wasn't actually happening, per se. Also, 62 year old "comedian" David Letterman took a break from molesting the interns in his Manhattan production company to make some rape jokes about Sarah Palin's daughters; because it's just so funny when 62 year old men make lecherous jokes about young teenage girls. President Barack Obama demonstrated his administration's commitment to transparency and the rule of law by firing an Inspector General who was investigating massive corruption on the part of one of M'Chel's cronies. The Iranian Regime responded to pro-democracy demonstrations by brutally cracking down on protesters, murdering some in the street, and rounding up others for summary execution. To show his concern and support for democracy, President Obama went out and bought ice cream for his dog. July --- Patriots celebrated the 4th of July with more tea parties to rouse a resistance against a president and a congress hellbent on tearing down the Republic the founding fathers fought so hard and sacrificed so much to bring into being. A West Coast blogger found a book co-authored by Obama's technology czar in which he advocated forced sterilizations and coerced abortions as a means of population control. Lefties defended him by saying, "It was the '70's." Not a reassuring defense given their moonbat messiah president's fondness for Jimmy Carter's policies. Meanwhile, crazy, lying, FoxNews personality Glenn Beck put up some crazy story about how Obama's (Ho!Ho!Ho!) Green Jobczar Van Jones was a radical communist 911 troofer. Beck was denounced as lying, insane, and dangerous. Within two weeks, Van Jones resigned in the middle of the night because ... Well, because Beck was right. Keith Olbermann demanded that Beck be fired and threatened to engage in deranged, vituperative rants on his show every night until that happened. Also, a racist Harvard professor got into a dispute with a white cop. PBO... Who would later admonish Americans not to "jump to conclusions" about a mass murdering jihadist at Fort Hood and an attempting mass-murdering jihadist in Detroit... Immediately declared in a press conference that the cop had "acted stupidly" while admitting he didn't know all the facts of the case. And, a peer-reviewed article in the Journal of Geophysical Research confirmed that climate cycles are natural and Global Warming is a hoax. August -- Democrat Congresspersons heard from their constituents on the Obama-Pelosi Health Care bill. Since they didn't like what they heard, they announced that all future contact with constituents would be limited to registered members of the SEIU. The SEUI responded by beating up black people and old ladies outside townhall meetings. One especially zealous thug bit off a guy's finger. Lefties responded with, "Under ObamaCare, people who have their fingers bitten off by Union Thugs will have them sewed back on for free," leaving out the word "eventually." The infamous "Obama as Joker" poster appeared. Leftists went into apoplectic fits at this heresy against the Messiah, and pointed out that no president in history had ever been defaced in such a horrible, insulting, defamatory way. The Government began a phenomenally successful program called "Cash for Clunkers" in which perfectly serviceable automobiles were destroyed and rendered inoperable in exchange for vehicles with marginally better fuel economy at an estimated cost of $24,000 per vehicle. September --- PBO cancelled the US Missile Defense program for Eastern Europe, because he believed this show of "Smart Diplomacy" would convince Iran not to pursue its nuclear weapons program. In other news of smart diplomacy, Obama warmly welcomed Mo Qaddafi, Hugo Chavez, and Mahmoud Ahmadinejihad to the opening session of the UN. Not invited: The legitimate, constitutional leader of Honduras. Obama also declared the 9-11 should no longer be considered a day of remembrance, but instead a day in which the workers should offer the labors for the glory of the state. During an address to Congress, Congressman Joe Wilson responded to one of Obama's many, many lies by shouting "You lie!" The left was again outraged, and pointed out that no president had ever, ever been heckled while giving a speech to Congress before. California's farmers... driven to insolvency by a judge's edict to preserve a two inch fish... appealed to their senators to turn the water back on. The senators replied, "Sucks to be you, losers" and "Don't call me, Ma'am!" NY Times columnist David Brooks revealed that he first fell in love with Obama while staring at the crease in his pants. A deranged Keith Olberman claimed he had the largest audience in cable news. If only Neilsen would count the voices in people's heads, it might be true. Meanwhile, Glenn Beck... the man who always lies ... played tapes of ACORN offering to facilitate tax fraud, illegal immigration, and child prostitution. Democrats immediately demanded an investigation... of the two journalists who exposed ACORN's illegal activities. Airstrip One officially recognized environmentalism as a religion. As soon as they designate economics a superstition, the transition to leftist belief will be complete. October --- PBO was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. While admitting that he had accomplished nothing, the Nobel Committee said he deserved the award for being so "clean and articulate." When word was leaked that Rush Limbaugh might become a 2% owner in the St. Louis Rams, the progressive left MSM publicized a number of racist quotations that... um... Limbaugh never actually said. When confronted, the MSM responded, "Who are you going to believe? Us, or a racist who wanted James Earl Ray to receive the Congressional Medal of Honor." And Glenn Beck... the man who always lies ... played a video of Obama's Communications Director praising Chairman Mao and licking her lips like Mr. Ed going for the peanut butter. A few weeks later, she was gone. November -- Republicans handily won the governorships in New Jersey and Virginia, and lost in a three way congressional race in NY in which no Republican was running. The left pointed to this as proof that conservatism was dead, dead, dead! Also, Sarah Palin sold about two million copies of her book, Going Rogue, which drove the left absolutely insane. David Letterman was hailed as a hero for not giving into a blackmailer who threatened to reveal the fact that he had sexually harassed many female interns. The interns were allowed to keep the Palin wigs after their encounters. Also, leaked emails from Climate Scienticians proved that climate data were altered and deleted to artificially create "proof" of human-caused Global Warming. Progressive Leftists responded that the data that went into the Climate Change models were every bit as valid as the data that showed job creation under the Stimulus. December -- An enormous contingent of moonbats flew to Copehagen in a veritable air force of private jets, generating as much CO2 in a week as an African country emits in a year, to save the planet from the dire consequences of wasteful CO2 production. And just to prove He has a sense of humor, God dumped half a foot of snow on them. Senate Democrats finally passed a version of ObamaCare using last minute bribes to Senators Mary "Hello Sailor" Landrieu and Ben "Love You Long Time" Nelson. On Christmas Day, a jihadist came within seconds of detonating a bomb on an aircraft with 278 people on board. The Secretary of Homeland Security declared that the system had worked perfectly, and the TSA would avoid future near-disasters by making it illegal for passengers to leave their seats during the last hour of a flight. One year down, three to go... if we're lucky. WELFARE POEM
Submitted by: PIGster Ron I cross ocean, poor and broke, Lets send this to all Americans, so we can all be ticked off and maybe we can get the refugees cut back to $1,012.00 and the pensioners up to $2,470.00 and enjoy some of the money we were forced to submit to the Government over the last 40 or 50 years. AL SHARPTON BLASTS TIGER WOODS FOR LACK OF DIVERSITY
Borrowed From: Robert: http://americanandproud.net The Rev. Al Sharpton held a press conference today to blast Tiger Woods for the lack of diversity among his mistresses. Sharpton claims that the lack of African-American women among Woods’ harem will have a negative effect on the black community, specifically young black girls. “Why is it that a man who calls himself black can’t bring himself to cheat on his wife with a black woman?” said Sharpton, speaking to a group of supporters in Harlem . “What does it say to young black girls everywhere when you pass them over? Shame on you, Tiger Woods. What would your daddy say?” Sharpton, who has long championed taking black women as mistresses, said that today’s black athletes need to stop neglecting black women when it comes to extramarital affairs, and should follow the examples of positive black role models such as Jesse Jackson and Martin Luther King, Jr., both of whom cheated on their wives with black women. Sharpton also stressed that cheating with African-American women would help the black community financially by giving black girls the chance to sell their stories to tabloids and gossip magazines. Added Sharpton, “I’m not asking you to not cheat on your wives, I’m just asking you to give back to your own community.”
LIBTARD LOGIC: "GUNS ARE "UNGOOD"
Submitted by: Just John Publishers Note: The following was lifted from Just John at Write On The Right who in turn, lifted it from Robert at American And Proud Top Ten Reasons For Gun "Control": 2.) Some .004 % (4/1000 of 1%) of guns are used in crime each year. This is way too high. All guns should be banned 3.) Guns are unnecessary. In 98% of civilian gun defenses, no shot is fired. If you are not going to fire a shot, you clearly don’t need a gun. This proves that the guns are unnecessary. Banning guns will prevent these unnecessary defenses. 5.) Most gun crimes are committed by inner city gangs and drug dealers. These relatively small and geographically restricted groups consistently commit the majority of gun crimes, which usually peak as turf wars erupt over Drug War changes. The best way to prevent this is by denying guns to all law abiding people everywhere. 6.) No woman needs to protect herself from rape, assault or murder. The Police will protect women by investigating the crime after the fact. Remember, Police paperwork is all the protection anyone really needs. 7.) Gun owners are disrespectful of authority. Good citizens should completely rely on the authorities. A failure to do so is an invariable sign of improper and overly independent attitudes. Failure to completely and absolutely trust and depend on the authorities is excessive democracy, and sends a bad message to children. 9.) Children and young people should remain ignorant about guns. Real guns and real gun knowledge dissipate the fantasies created by violent video games and TV. Ignorance, once lost, can never be restored and needs to be protected. Not to mention the lost sales of all the violent movies, TV shows, video games, etc! 10.) Guns reduce people’s reliance on the Police and Government. This fosters a mistaken belief in “rights”. No person has the right to question authority. No person should be less than 100% dependent upon authority. This is fundamental to social order. Banning guns will help to establish the Order the authorities want. This is good. Gun Control – Simple Solutions for Simple Minds. A TOUCHING CHRISTMAS TALE
Submitted by: Flanders Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'You may pass through the Pearly Gates' Saint Peter said. Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the Pearly Gates'. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
IRISH RIB TICKLER
Submitted by: PIGster Michael W. "As good as this is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink." "Well, Angus," said the Englishman, at my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two." "Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favourite pub, Dugan’s, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!" The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. "Did this actually happen to you?" "Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, but it did happen to me sister quite a few times. ON A PRESSING MATTER OF STATE
Submitted by: Trojan Man President Vladimir Putin called President Bush with an emergency: "Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the Russian President cried; "My people's favourite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!" "Boris, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you.", replied the President. "I do need your help," said Putin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tie us over?" "Why certainly! I'll get right on it!", said Bush. "Oh, and one more small favour, please?", said Putin. "Yes?", replied the President. "Could the condoms be red in colour and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Yeltsin. "No problem," replied the President and with that Bush hung up and called the President of Trojan condoms. "I need a favour, you've got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to Russia." "Consider it done," said the President of Trojan. "Great! Now listen, they have to be red in colour, 10" long and 4" wide." "Easily done. Anything else?" "Yeah," said the President, "Print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE MEDIUM' on each one."
WHAT A PAIR!
Submitted by: PIGster King This is so bad I am only sending it out to certain people that I thought could handle it. Warning! This photo will shock you!
DEAR ABBY
Submitted by: PIGster Redneck
HOW MANY FEATHERS?
Submitted by: PIGster Redneck Ever wonder what the feathers in a Indians head ban stood for? A female reporter, interviewing an American Indian Chief, asked the significance of the varied number of feathers in Indian headdresses. "Feathers show number of sexual partners," the chief replied. Indicating a nearby young brave, he continued, "Him? One woman, one feather. Him?", pointing to a second, older man, "Three women, three feathers." The reporter looked at the Chief's headdress. "But you have so many feathers!" The Chief proudly slapped his chest. "Me Chief. Sleep with all women. Big, small, fat, tall." Horrified, the female reporter said, "You ought to be hung!" The Chief said, "Damn right. Me hung big like buffalo, long like snake." The offended reporter said, "You don't have to be hostile!" The Chief replied, "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style!" The reporter cried, "Oh, dear!" "No deer", said the Chief. "Ass too high, run too fast! NEW MATH
Submitted by: Professor Mary Jane Publisher's Note: We do not advocate the use of marijuana, except for medicinal purposes, which would include anything from broken fingernails, stubbed toes, bad hair days and chronic pains. We do, however, advocate any effective method of learning that inspires a young mind to go forth on a quest for knowledge and improve their scores - test scores.
THINGS YOU'D NEVER HEAR A REDNECK SAY Submitted by: PFO • I thought Graceland was tacky. • No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe. • Do you think my hair is too big? • Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace? • The tires on that truck are too big. • I've got it all on a floppy disk. • Do you think this ball cap goes with this shirt? • Damned if that polititian ain't honest! • We're vegetarians. • I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy. • You can't feed that to the dog. • Trim the fat off that steak. • I just love the Opera • Cappuccino tastes better than espresso. • Wrasslin's fake. BLACK FRIDAY DEATHSPORT RULES
Submitted by: PFO
HAPPY THANKSGIVING
Submitted by: PIGster Redneck Here is a recipe I thought you would like for the holidays Ingredients: Heat oven to 350 degrees Rub butter or oil over the skin of the turkey until it is completely coated. Take a knife and gently separate the skin from the breast meat; Cover and bake for 30-45 minutes. Remove cover and continue to roast until juices run clear, basting every 15-20 minutes. If you've followed these steps correctly, your turkey should look like the one in the picture. Bon Appetit!
THE ITALIAN GOLFER FROM NEW JERSEY
Submitted by: PIGster King A Catholic priest, an Indian doctor, a rich Chinese businessman and an Italian from New Jersey were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them. The Italian from New Jersey fumed, 'What's with those jerks? We're waiting fifteen minutes between shots!' The Indian doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!' The Chinese businessman called out, 'Move it, time is money!' The Catholic priest said, 'Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. Excuse me, sir!' said the priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?' The greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.' The group fell silent for a moment. The Catholic priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.' The Indian doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything that he might be able to do for them.' The Chinese businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire fighters union in honor of these brave souls!' The Italian from New Jersey said, 'Why the f--- can't they play at night?” WIPERS
Submitted By: T-Cro I got a new set of wiper blades on my car (a Peugeot). I think they might be too big because they hang over the edges a little, but I don't care, they work great and I would have to say that they are the only blades I have ever had that I actually like to watch working. Call me crazy, but lately I have been driving around non-stop with them on. I've even been pulled over and the cop asked to go for a ride so he could watch them work. They were outrageously expensive (being French), but safety is my main concern and like I said, they work great. Let me know if you would like a pair for your car Impressive design, elegant hardware, although I have some reservations about the washer option.
WHO IS JACK SCHITT?
Submitted By: PIGster G For some time many of us have wondered, just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt'! Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way. Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, who married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt. Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt', you can correct them. Sincerely, HAPPY HALLOWEEN
Submitted by: One Spooky PIGster
10. You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack. 9. If you get tired, wait ten minutes and go back at it again. 8. The stranger you look, the easier it is to get some. 7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave it 6. Person you are with doesn't fantasize you're someone else, you already are. 5. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last nine months. 4. If you wear leather and chains, no one thinks you're kinky. 3. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning. 2. Less guilt the next morning from over-indulging. 1. If you don't get what you want at one place, you can always go next door to get more!
1. Every year you get a brand new crop to choose from. 2. No matter what your mood is, pumpkins are always ready to greet you with a smile. 3. One usually makes a better pie. 4. They are always on the doorstep there waiting for you! 5. If you don't like the way he looks, you just carve up another face. 6. If he starts smelling up your place, you can just throw him out. 7. From the start you know a pumpkin has an empty, mush filled head to begin with. 8. A pumpkin is turned on (lit-up) only when you want him to be.
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed,wondering what explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a great time!" GIRLIEMAN GOVERNOR GROWS SOME GONADS
Submitted by: PFO
The following was lifted from Wired.com: Schwarzenegger Flips Off Lawmakers In Hidden Message California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is ticked off. He’s tired of signing bills that don’t address the pet causes he deems important. So when another unworthy bill crossed his desk recently for signing — addressing funding issues for the Port of San Francisco — the guv vetoed it and sent lawmakers a little note saying why. Only the note said a little more than lawmakers were expecting. Buried in the text was a hidden message directed at State Assemblyman Tom Ammiano, author of the bill, according to the San Francisco Bay Guardian. Ammiano had strongly criticized the governor in early October and reportedly told Schwarzenegger at the time to “kiss my gay ass.” Schwarzenegger’s veto letter, issued a couple of days later, reads:
MORE RUSTIC HUMOR
Submitted by: PIGster Redneck Dearest Redneck Son, I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days. About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out. Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down! There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened. Your Favorite Aunt, THE RENECK MAGIC ELEVATOR
Submitted By: Billy Joe, Jethro, Uncle Jed, Cletus, Clem and Pa Kettle A redneck family are visiting a big city for the first time. The father and son are in the hotel lobby when they spot an elevator. "What's that Paw?" the boy asked. "I ain't never did see nothin' like that in my life" replied the father. Seconds later an old frail woman walks in the hotel door and hobbles to the elevator. She presses the button with her cane, waits for the doors to open and gets in. The father and son, still amazed by this contraption, continue to watch. They hear a ping noise and the doors open again. Out steps a beautiful 20 year old busty blonde. The father looks at his son and says "Go get your Maw !
Costume Of The Year Uncovered From: Various News Sources The following tid-bit has come to our attention. It seems that retail giant, Target was strong-armed into pulling an illegal alien Halloween costume after getting some complaints and pressure from immigrant right's groups. Don't know why "immigrant rights" groups would want to fend for ILLEGAL ALIENS, but never fear, the costume, below, can be purchased elsewhere for your Halloween fun.
Here's where to order yours: http://www.amazon.com Happy Halloween and be sure to carry proof of citizenship while wearing this costume. SIGNS
Submitted by: Cisco Kid
One Nation Under...?
Submitted by: Bryan W. Publisher's Note: The painting below, titled "One Nation Under God" was executed by artist Jon McNaughton. In the link below, he explains what each figure symbolizes. Whether you agree with his views or not, we applaud a non-limp wristed artist for standing his ground.
Here is a link describing his painting: http://connect2utah.com/content/video/?cid=55442 Here is a link to his website: http://www.mcnaughtonart.com/ Should anyone purchase one of his paintings as a result of visiting The F.S.O.P., please alert us. We will send Mr. McNaughton a letter requesting a commision check that helped generate his income. Sidewalk Sounds And Suds
Submitted by: Skyeye Leave it to longtime PIGster Skyeye to come up with something of this nature. Use your imagination as to what these two parched, musically inclined fellows really want.
Riddle for the Day
Submitted By: PIGster Antoine Hillary, Biden and Obama were on a donkey, at the edge of a cliff.
Who was saved? AMERICA
New Cooking Gear
Submitted by: PIGster Redneck
Are You Ready To Show Your American, Uh, Pride?
Submitted by: PIGster Bryan Move over Tea Party patriots. Step aside Town Hall terrorizers in Brooks Brothers suits. It’s time for REAL Americans to show what they’re made of...on - TA DA... Walk Naked in America Day Don't forget to mark your calendars. As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman other than his wife naked. He must commit suicide if he does. So next Saturday at 4 PM Eastern Time, all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort. All patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Muslims and to demonstrate they think its okay to see nude women other than their wife and to show support for all American women. Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Muslim sentiment. The American government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity. God bless America! Why Beer Is Better Than Obama
Submitted By: A Very Thirsty PIGster
Beer is better than Obama because sailors like beer. Beer is better than Obama because marines like beer. Beer is better than Obama because you know what's in beer. Beer is better than Obama because beer won't take half your paycheck. Beer is better than Obama because beer makes life a little better. Beer is better than Obama because you're sad if there's no more beer. Beer is better than Obama because beer doesn't lie. Beer is better than Obama because beer doesn't have entitlement demands. Beer is better than Obama because beer and whine don't mix. Beer is better than Obama because beer doesn't leave a bad taste in your mouth. Beer is better than Obama because imported beer doesn’t pretend to be domestic. Beer is better than Obama because beer is GREEN only on St. Patrick’s Day. Beer is better than Obama because beer is better than Vichy Water. Beer is better than Obama because beer is unpretentious. Beer is better than Obama because beer doesn't promise you a free lunch. Beer is better than Obama because beer won’t throw you under the bus. Beer is better than Obama because beer doesn't cut and run. Beer is better than Obama because beer isn't phony. Beer is better than Obama because beer doesn't flip-flop. Beer is better than Obama because beer’s ingredients known for sure. Beer is better than Obama because beer makes people happy. Beer is better than Obama because beer is as American as apple pie. Beer is better than Obama because beer isn't promoted on National Public Radio. Beer is better than Obama because beer doesn't mind if you own an SUV. Beer is better than Obama because beer doesn't care how much you make. Beer is better than Obama because a beer won't blame America for 9/11. Beer is better than Obama because beer doesn't whine, it bubbles. Beer is better than Obama because beer isn't a lawyer. Beer is better than Obama because beer comes with an expiration date. Beer is better than Obama because beers don't have friends who bombed the pentagon. Beer is better than Obama because an empty beer is better than an empty suit. Beer is better than Obama because beer minds its own business. Beer is better than Obama because beer doesn't tell you what you want to hear. Beer is better than Obama because beer is worth what you pay for it. Beer is better than Obama because beer doesn't care what color you are. Beer is better than Obama because beer doesn't want to take away your gun. Beer is better than Obama because beer is popular with working people. Beer is better than Obama because beers don't start out as empties. Beer wants to make you sociable; Obama wants to make you socialist. UNLUCKY MAN A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that." "Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist. Cans of Whup-Ass To Get Warning LabelSubmitted by: PIGster J. WASHINGTON (DPI) - The Food and Drug Administration announced today that new regulations will require the use of safety warning labels on all domestically-produced cans of whup-ass. These labels will remind users that contents are under pressure and that use of whup ass can result in retaliatory beatings. Long the subject of jurisdictional debate between the FDA and the Federal Trade Commission, whup-ass regulation continues to be discussed behind closed doors, where both sides reportedly are opening cans of newly labeled, Texas-sized whup-ass on each other.
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© Copyright 1993-2014 PIG - The Politically Incorrect Gazette
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Submitted By: Minnesota Sue
It just hit me!
A young woman goes to her doctor's office, afraid of the strange development on the inside of her thighs . . . a green spot on the inside of each. 
It doesn't matter what party you belong to - this is hilarious. From a show on Canadian TV, there was a black comedian who said he misses Bill Clinton. 
- 
NORFOLK, VIRGINIA – Eleven indicted Somali pirates dropped a bombshell in a U.S. court today, revealing that their entire piracy operation is a subsidiary of banking giant Goldman Sachs.
Item#1: Holy Shit!!! 
This morning I went to sign my dogs up for welfare. 
1.) Guns are used in self-defense over 2 million times a year. However, this makes the attempted crime a “non-event,” which necessarily complicates the Police investigation. Without civilian ownership of guns, these Police investigations would not have been compromised. Civilians should leave crime prevention to the Police, who are properly equipped to investigate following the crime’s completion. 
4.) Guns cause criminal migration. In tough gun-law Washington, D. C., violent crime rates are very high. This high crime rate is caused by the migration of criminals from gun havens like Virginia. This migration is caused by the criminal’s cowardly avoidance of armed householders and concealed-carry civilians. This criminal migration is detrimental to helpless unarmed citizens in no-gun areas and must be stopped. Guns should be banned everywhere. 
8.) Gun owners engaging in self-defense are taking the law into their own hands. This is wrong. Only the Police and Criminals have the right to take the law into their own hands. It should be kept out of the hands of citizens. 
When it comes to some serious bill proposal termination, California's Action Hero Governor shows he's actually got a sense of humor and some nads when it comes to bills he vetoes that reach his desk.
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