Crime, Punishment & Stampeding Stupidity
Source: PIG News Wire [12/22/06]

Amesbury (Mass)
The fun began when two dipsticks - Paul Lupo and Patrick Brien - were lurking at a gas station, trying to score a taxi to the train station. Fate lent a hand when a woman entered the station, leaving the car keys inside her ride. From that point, the fun ramped up big damn time:

‘...Lupo got in the car and drove around the station, police said. Lupo started from the rear of the station and circled counterclockwise, [Sgt. Mark] Gagnon said, until he saw Brien walking toward the rear of the building. Lupo drove up to Brien and then hit him from behind, Gagnon said. "He (ran) right over his buddy," he said. "I don't know how he didn't see him." After running Brien over, Lupo parked the car and tried to help Brien off the ground, but his leg was apparently broken...’ (Newburyport News)

Paul Lupo got graybar bonus points for being drunk, a fact that explains why the dolts were carrying brewskies in their backpacks. He’s also up on a laundry list of charges that include: stealing a car, DUI (his 4th time), driving without a license, and reckless driving. Assume the position, dumbass.

Richmond (Virginia)
A Virginia desperado named Rashawn Perry probably thought that Kirklands’ - a designer eyeglass store - would be an easy target. That’ why he opted for a straightforward variation of the smash and grab. His caper started well enough when he shoved a shopper out of the way, snatched up as many eyeglass frames as he could carry then turned to leave. That’s when he found out that the store’s owner, Tom Kirkland, is a karate instructor and his sales associate, Neal Griffin, is a bodybuilder.

‘..."I jumped on his back and was riding him," Kirkland said. "I started beating him on the head." Griffin put the strapping suspect into a headlock...’ (Richmond Times-Dispatch)

Proving the virtues of casing a target, completely, Rashawn found out the hard way that, in addition to deploying a pair of kick ass employees, Kirklands’ is located across the street from a police station. He got that message when a female sales associate ran over to summon the cops. For his trouble, Rashawn earned a guest suite in the nearby graybar, a broken elbow, a back injury, and several charges: robbery, assault (two charges), plus felony destruction of property.

Lincolnton (North Carolina)
A Tar Heel state denizen, Michael Lineburg, started off his week by arming himself with a hammer and robbing a gas station. A couple days later, he sauntered into the First Charter Bank in Lincolnton (N.C.) and handed the teller a note that read, "Give me money I need help". Unable to read the "this is a hold-up" hidden in the text, the teller kept asking what he wanted, until Mike got frustrated and walked out.

He tried again, a couple blocks away, but this time he explained what he wanted: “I’m not a bad person. I really hate to do this, but I need $1,000 dollars". When the clerk asked for his account number, he finally remembered "this is a robbery" part. With his heist out of the way, he decided to confuse the cops by stripping off his top layer of clothes to change his appearance. There were a few glitches with that part of his plan. He was spotted changing his clothes, plus, he left his wallet in the discarded pants. Jailarity -as Fark puts it - ensued in due course.

Springtown (Mexas)
Two prospective Mensa candidates from Mexas did a header into an uncooperative objective reality this week. The human gene pool improvement fates exacted their pound of flesh while the two teenagers were lurking around a pair of oil tanks. The fun started when the two Springtown (Mexas) dudes decided to see what was inside one of the oil storage tanks. Since it was pitch black inside the damn thing, one of these Einsteins decided to shed some light on the subject by striking a match.

In a heartbeat, Mister Flame had a party with Mister Combustible Vapors and "BOOM" the tank exploded, instantly transporting one extra crispy lad into the hereafter and putting the second lad in the hospital. As a result of the explosion, a second tank caught fire, making this drama especially thrilling for the local fire departments.

Mark this one as "one down, one to go" on your human gene pool improvement scorecard.

Miscreants, Morons and Wingnuts
Source: PIG News Wire [12/15/06]

McMinnville (Tennessee)
Nickey Davidson wanted to impress her boyfriend in the worst way, and she succeeded beyond her wildest dreams. The story this 25-year-old Tennessee wench told her beau was a nifty one that centered on a high paying job that allowed her to impress the dude with all her expensive goodies. There were, however, a few things that didn’t make the "everything you ought to know about me cut", when Nickey sang her own praises.

One tidbit that slipped Nickey’s mind is the fun fact that she’s still legally married to another dude. As fun as that sounds, her omissions get much, much better. The source of Nickey’s spending money isn’t what I’d call a high-paying "job". Burglarizing houses and stealing loot worth tens of thousands of dollars is, I suppose, an avocation, but it’s nobody’s idea of a "job".

Nickey will have ample time to get her story straight as an honored guest in a Tennessee graybar.

Provo (Utah)
The two Utah desperados - Patrick and Heather Burr - had all the details of their caper worked out, including their innovative getaway. According to their accomplice - a paid informant who ratted them out before the caper - the pair planned to rob the Utah Community Credit Union, then make a daring, watery getaway by floating down the Provo River on inner tubes. The notion at work is that the Provo River is the last place anyone would be looking for them, and they might be right.

There’s a damn good reason why no rational adult would think that anyone with a functioning synapse would use the Provo River for a getaway. The primary reason is that the Provo River is slower than molasses in January because, it flows along at a mighty 4 miles per hour, maximum. The Burrs will have ample time to fine tune their getaway options while they answer for charges of "conspiracy to commit bank robbery".

Sao Paulo (Brazil)
The Brazilian burglar was taking his time and trying on the home owner's duds when the man of the house spotted him. If you’re waiting for a story about a home owner pounding on some burglar, get over it. The home owner, Joao Wettlauser, was thousands of miles away in Germany when he spotted the burglar. How did he do it? He dialed up his home computer and watched the burglar via live video feed. Determined to bust the perp who was rifling through his property, Joao called his wife in Brazil, after which she notified the cops . The burglar emerged from the house to find that he was the guest of honor at a police gathering.

File this epic under "the terrors of modern technology" in your true crime archives.

Edmonton (Canada)
A Canadian desperado proved the venerable adage "when anything can go wrong, it will go wrong" this week. Despite the fact that his caper was a modest one - knocking over a convenience store - it proved to be beyond his meager capabilities.

Armed with an aluminum baseball bat, he demanded money from the clerk, then grew impatient and hit the register with the bat. The blow from the bat jammed the cash drawer and made it impossible to open. While our inept hero tried to open the till, the clerk took off. Then, with some assistance from several bystanders, the clerk managed to block the front door, preventing the robber from leaving that way. With the back door locked, the robber was trapped so he tried to leave via the roof. His day was made complete when he slipped and fell through the ceiling of the convenience store.

After a caper like that, this clown was probably relieved when the cops came to cart him off to the local graybar.

Des Moines (Iowa)
An Iowa desperado proved conclusively, that criminal ineptitude is a crippling malady. Adopting his most menacing demeanor, the aspiring robber strolled into a Des Moines Get-N-Go convenience store and made the usual "hand over all the damn money" demands of the clerk. A bulge in the desperado’s coat pocket was intended to convince the clerk that our robber had a gun. There was just one teensy little flaw in that plan.

‘..."Well, I could tell he didn't have a gun," said Terry Cook, a clerk at the store at 2140 S.E. Park Ave. "I knew it was his finger. I could see his thumb sticking out of his coat pocket."

The would-be robber, who acted tough and even inserted a harsh expletive in his demand for cash, wanted to argue.

It is a gun, he told Cook.

No it isn't, Cook said....’ (Des Moines Register)

Befuddled, and more than a tad frustrated, the desperado left the place empty handed, loitered in the parking lot for a moment or two then left. He’s still at large, but, unquestionably, more dangerous to himself than the general public.

It’s Criminal To Be That Stupid
Source: PIG News Wire [12/08/06]

The Motor City (Michigan)
The caper, such as it was, had fatal flaws from the onset, but that didn’t stop the perpetrator, Calvin Fluckens Jr, from trying to pass off his bogus check. In theory, passing the badly photocopied, $877.83 check at Wal-Mart during the frantic Christmas shopping season had a ghost of a chance, if Calvin was very damn lucky. Tragically, lucky is not a word that applies to Calvin. We know this because he decided to try passing his bogus check while the suburban Detroit store was filled to overflowing with the 80 uniformed police officers who belonged to the 40 MARKED CARS that were parked outside the Wal-Mart store. How the hell did this fool miss 40 marked police cars in the store’s parking lot? Did he think Wal-Mart had a sale on the damn things?

What Calvin didn’t know is that the cops were there helping needy tykes participate in a charity gig called "Shop with a Cop". Their presence is why Calvin’s caper fell apart like cheap suit. His fate was sealed when he ran into an alert cashier who spotted the bogus check then alerted a manager. In record time one of the cops slapped the cuffs on Calvin and invited him to be the city’s guest in the local graybar hotel.

The Big Apple (New York)
Our next road trip into the Twilight Zone comes from the Big Apple where things that go bump in the night are par for the course. Our adventure begins when a homeless dude sneaks into Penn Station looking for a place to bed down. His first choice, inside the New Jersey Transit train, proved elusive when he failed to get the damn doors to open. Undaunted, he decided to bed down on the roof of the car, a spiffy idea that got him up close and personal with the high voltage electric wires that power the damn thing. Before you could say "Make mine well done", he was rendered extra crispy with burns covering most of his body. Proving that the New York Post has a wry sense of humor, the scribbler - having identified the man as "homeless" - added this tidbit "His name was withheld pending family notification." If his family gave a damn he wouldn’t be "homeless", scribbler breath.

---

PIG-Worthy Criminal Endeavors
Source: PIG’s News Wire [11/30/06]

Baltimore (Maryland)
While walking home in the very early hours of the morning, a Baltimore denizen was assaulted by 4 desperados. Things took a nasty turn after one of the punks held a knife to the victim’s neck. The intended victim - an off duty police officer - fought off his assailant, pulled out his service revolver and shot one attacker in the torso. The other three took off like scalded mutts but at least one decided to take out the officer by running him down with the desperados’ getaway ride. The officer took aim and taught that punk the error of his ways with a fusillade that found their mark.

When the smoke cleared, two desperados were down with gunshot wounds and two more were looking for a change of underwear. The officer is unscathed, but he’s not out of the woods yet, because he’s on administrative duty pending an internal police department investigation. PIG doesn’t need any damn investigation to confer "Nice shooting" kudos on the officer in question.

Decatur (Illinois)
Malcom McDaniel’s adventure as a crime statistic began one night while he was walking on a quiet Decatur street. A black Nissan pulled up and one of the occupants asked Malcom for a smoke. When Malcom approached the car, the car’s driver pulled a gun and ordered Malcom into the car. Once inside, Malcom was driven to a alley where he was robbed, kicked, then ordered to "get out of my hood" by the driver.

A short time later, this story took an improbable turn while Malcom was giving his story to police officers. The same black Nissan drove past, slowed down and the driver honked his horn. Before you could say "moron" the car’s two occupants were stopped, searched and persuaded to accept civic accommodations on charges of armed robbery, aggravated kidnapping and aggravated unlawful use of a weapon.

San Bernardino (Mexifornia)
A Mexifornia desperado decided that to raise some cash - for Christmas shopping, no doubt - so he went "shopping" for some unguarded copper wire. After selecting a vacant building, he made his way down to the basement were he cut a hole in a thick wall and gained access to a transformer. At first, his luck held firm, since all the wires he liberated, weren’t energize. Eventually, his theft became "electrifying" when he latched onto an energized wire and came thisclose to Darwin Award consideration. The ensuing power outage blacked out a generous portion of the downtown area. Our copper thief managed to survive - life is so goddamn unreasonable that way - but he got extra crispy enough to land him in the hospital with "second and third degree burns to 45% of his body" (San Bernardino County Sun).

On the off chance that there’s more than one copper stealing moron in the city, San Bernardino police Sgt. Brian Koerner felt compelled to state the obvious: "You don’t steal live wire." PIG has a much different set of priorities when it comes to cretins who steal copper wire: "By all means steal the live wires. That’s the best way to know you’re getting the good stuff."

True Crime Adventures
Source: PIG’s News Wire [11/24/06]

Pottersville (New York)
Unfortunately, stories about some miscreant torching a Toll Booth are no longer breaking news. That would seem to be the case here, but there’s a slight twist to this one. After burglarizing several churches, multiple times, the perp left three of them notes warning them to clean up their acts and more or less "get right with god". Eventually, when the Toll Booths didn’t get back on the true path - as the perp defined it - he removed the Tomes from the Toll Booth then set fire to Christ Church in Pottersville. It’s not the first time Caleb Uriah Lussier torched a Toll Booth. He’s wanted for questioning in his hometown, Plymouth (Massachusetts) for a similar fire.

This all sounds utterly un-PIGish, until you get the rest of the story. Caleb is a student at the Word of Life Bible Institute. When the cops finally tracked him down and offered him graybar accommodations, Caleb admitted everything, including his motive:

"He didn't think they were following the Bible the way they thought they should. He holds to the principle, but he said he went about it in the wrong way." (Warren County Sheriff Larry Cleveland as quoted in the Albany Times-Union)

The good news for Caleb is that the true believers at Christ Church are offering him their forgiveness and are praying for him. The bad news for Caleb is that, in addition to his justice system problems, the folks who filled his head with this pious mush, the Word of Life Bible Institute, are not that forgiving. In fact, they’re expelling him. Life’s a bitch, Caleb, and once the crap starts hitting you, it tends to pile up.

Springfield (Missouri)
Tim Carr and Shaun Selvage are not happy campers and they’re trying to dish up some payback. It all started when the pair were ticketed for "crossing the street outside a designated crosswalk". They think the tickets were overkill and justify that contention by noting that at 6:30 p.m. there wasn’t any traffic. They complained about unequal justice, since they knew for a fact that just around the corner, law enforcement officers and officials, routinely, cross the street away from the crosswalk. Making the matter worse, the officer in question "pulled his Segway up to the little building they use, then crossed the street the same place that we did" (Tim Carr as quoted in the Springfield News-Leader).

More than a tad pissed, the two armed themselves with cameras and stationed themselves outside the Greene County Judicial Courts Facility. Over a two day period, they documented court officials and law enforcement officers breaking city ordinance 106-452 (Jaywalking). On the first day, a Group County deputy muttered darkly about that photographing a government building might be a homeland security violation, but the two persisted in the quest for justice. Their digital scrapbook will feature prominently when they are have their day in court on the jaywalking charge. Give ‘em hell dudes.

Burlington (Ontario, Canada)
It started on a Saturday evening while a Canadian homeowner was enjoying a relaxing evening with his wife and two young daughters. Don Shaxon’s evening was disrupted by an altercation outside where a dozen teenagers were fighting on the street. After satisfying himself that the punks were moving down the street, Don noted the odd behavior of the family mutt who kept barking and running toward the basement stairs.

Don followed the mutt into the basement and found a 16-year-old punk hiding in the laundry room. That’s when Don gave his uninvited guest a taste of citizen justice:

"I grabbed him by the throat and just started punching him," said Shaxon, whose daughters are 10 and five months. "He dropped to the ground and I just started smashing his head into the concrete. I said, 'If you move, I'm going to end up killing you, I've got two kids here.'"

When the cops arrived to take possession of Don’s battered, bruised and bleeding "guest", the cops laid some unpleasant facts on Don. They reported that the lad’s story about getting drunk at a party down the street, then getting lost after going outside for air was good enough for government work and likely to pass muster in a Canadian courtroom. The bottom line: Don’s pounding was all the justice the boy would get. That might sound spiffy to Canadian authorities, but Don is far from satisfied, since, as Don notes, "The guy was dressed head-to-toe in black, totally stealthed out and hiding in my laundry room."

PIG likes Don’s style. You’re a hero in our eyes, dude.

UPDATE: Since we added this epic to our Golden Oinks 2006 page on Friday, more troubling news has surfaced about this case. Don Shaxon, the man we saluted for administering a painful lesson on the punk, might be brought up on charges. The regional police are keeping the option of filing charges against Don open. A punk invades your home prompting you to defend your family and you’re the one facing charges? How utterly screwed are things in Canada’s Socialist Eden? Very, and that’s a fact.

St. Augustine (Florida)
The fun began when Melissa Zink overheard her step-brother, James Rose, discussing a forthcoming $30,000 robbery. Melissa confronted James and told him that she wanted in on this potentially enriching true crime endeavor. James insisted that Melissa had to prove that she had the right stuff to shoot someone, if needed, before he would consider allowing her to join his caper. That’s when James’ brain latched up and he handed her a loaded gun. Melissa proved that she had the right stuff when it came to shooting somebody, by aiming the gun at James’ head and pulling the trigger. Bang! Thud! DOA! sums the situation up perfectly. The good news is that Melissa passed the test. The bad news is that she’s facing manslaughter charges for killing her fool of a step-brother. And you though your family was screwed up...

Amazing and Amusing Criminal Escapades
Source: PIG News Wire [11/17/06]

Richmond (Indiana)
In the wee hours of the morning, a trio of differently sober wenches were driving home in their Dodge Neon when their bickering reached critical mass. Up to "here" with her home girls, the driver pulled into an empty parking lot, after which the bickering trio jumped out of the ride to settle their differences like women. The ensuing, high volume exchange of "views" was loud enough to grab the attention of the workers at a nearby building. What building, you ask? Richmond’s police headquarters.

The cop who came over to check out the drama, tried, and failed, to get the women to chill out. When each of them refused to cease and desist, he escorted them inside. When they flunked the requisite sobriety test, the three 20-something women were charged with public intoxication and granted graybar guest status. Book the drunken bitches, Dano.

Chicago (Illinois)
After enduring 8 robberies in the last year, jewelry store owner Jose Torres is, understandably, alert to potential trouble. This week, he sensed more trouble on the way, when he spotted a man wearing a familiar backpack. It was identical to the backpack worn by robbers who hit one of Jose’s customers right outside his store. His suspicions were confirmed when one of his employees reported that one of the two suspicious men pocketed some of Jose’s jewelry.

Thus alarmed, Jose dialed 911. In fact he called 911 twice and tried to speed up the police response by hitting his panic button. Determined to see the drama trough, Jose told everyone that he wouldn’t allow anyone to leave until the police arrived. He persisted in refusing to buzz anyone out, despite a plea to be allowed to leave by one of the increasingly agitated suspicious dudes. Jose’s mom got into the act when she searched the two dudes and found a piece of jewelry stolen from the store.

Eventually, the cops arrived and took the men into custody. A search produced some of the tools used in the series of robberies.

Bloomington (Indiana)
It all began when someone called to report that a coed was out cold in a drunken stupor in an Indiana University dorm room. The fun ramped up when the 19-year-old college wench tossed her cookies inside the ambulance then started bellowing curses at the EMTs. The best was yet to come.

Eventually, the bellowing coed who registered a spiffy .30 blood alcohol level at the hospital, demanded that she be allowed to use the restroom. In she went while an ER technician waited outside. Time passed and the coed didn’t emerge so, after a few discrete knocks on the door, the ER tech entered the restroom where the tech spotted the coed trying to climb into the ceiling:

‘...The ceiling hangers, which hold the ceiling tiles in place, then collapsed, causing half of the bathroom ceiling to fall in on the technician and the woman, (IUPD Captain Jerry) Minger said. The student then began cursing and made vulgar statements to the hospital staff and stuck out her middle finger at them, Minger said. The estimated damage to the room was several hundred dollars but no one was injured in the fall, he said...’ (Indiana Daily Student)

After the ER personnel treated the potted coed, the proper authorities dragged her drunk as a skunk butt to Monroe County Jail where they let her sleep it off before releasing her the next day. Charges of illegal consumption of adult beverage and criminal mischief are pending.

Anderson (South Carolina)
A gun safety lesson got a lot more thrilling than planned when the instructor - a cop - explained how hard it was to take a gun from an officer’s holster. A student tested that contention and the Sheriff’s deputy flunked when the middle school inmate got a finger into the holster and managed to pull the trigger. We’re pleased to report that the bullet fired harmlessly into the floor. However, a couple kids in the class suffered minor cuts from flying debris. You can put away those Tarot cards, because we’ve got it covered. The deputy is on "administrative leave" while the department conducts an internal investigation on this "lapse in judgement".

Richmond (Virginia)
The four men in the Ford Crown Victoria had their caper planned out to the last detail. Parking behind their target - a local Pizza Hut - two of them grabbed their firearms, donned ski masks then strolled inside. Once inside, they brandished their guns, demanded money, emptied the cash register and robbed the manager. That easily, they made off with at least $300.

The escape was a clean one, but an alert witness recorded their license plate and reported it to the cops. From there, the caper unraveled in a heartbeat. The cops easily determined that the car was - drum roll - a rental car from a rental agency a few blocks away.

‘...[Police Major David McCoy] said the owner of the rental agency was able to track his vehicles through their GPS systems, and pinpointed the Ford a short distance away, near Chamberlayne Avenue and Lombardy Street. As police mobilized, the rental-agency owner was also able to send a signal to disable the vehicle, stranding the occupants. Within minutes, police arrested three men, including 18-year-old Randolph Lamont Pervall of the 4100 block of North Avenue...’ (AP)

File this true crime adventure under "the terrors of technology" in your book ‘em, Dano archives.

Knoxville (Tennessee)
Fed up with the rash of robberies that plagued his warehouse, Tennessee State Senator Tim Burchett decided to do his own detective work. He periodically hid in the brush near his building over a week and a half time span, but his stakeout finally bore fruit when he spotted some teenagers lurking near his building. Determined to dot all those justice system "i’s", Tim called 911 and told them he planned to deal with the matter himself:

"I could see this one kid's fat head sticking out right up against the metal building and I called 911 and told the operator. And of course, 911, you about have to give a DNA sample and mother's maiden name to get them to come."

"I'm going to get up on them and going to pop 'em," he told the dispatcher, who then questioned whether he was talking about shooting them. "No, no. I know what the law is." (Tennessean)

Tim captured the trio, held them a gunpoint and even fed them some cookies until the badge packer cadre arrived to take the punks off his hands. Elected Tormentor or not, Tim sounds like PIG’s kind of guy.

Police Blotter for Week Ending November 10
Source: PIG’s Cime Buster News Wire [11/10/06]

Yakima (Washington)
Peggy Keller was a radiology expert and a dean at a two-year Ivory Tower called Yakima Valleley Community College until some differently sober driver ran her over and killed her. The perpetrator, Marcos Ramos Medina, got his day in court this week when, after a mere 30 minutes of deliberation, the jury convicted him of vehicular homicide. Although Marcos is staring at a 2 to 5 year stretch in a Washington graybar, he deserves much harsher punishment.

Why am I so hard on Marcos? For starters, he’s got a long history of drug arrests. More important, in this instance, he was higher than the international space station thanks to the meth in his system. None of that means a damn thing when you get to the real reason we’d like to see Marcos drawn and quartered then roasted over a slow fire. You see, Marcos is a border jumping scumbag who has been deported TWICE. Obviously, we need to go "old school" on Marcos and "persuade him" that coming back into America uninvited can be hazardous to his health.

Thanks to Vicente W. Bush and his steadfast refusal to safeguard our borders Peggy Keller is dead and her friends, neighbors and family get the "honor" of paying to house Marcos for the next few years. When he gets out he’ll probably be eligible for citizenship under Vicente W. Bush’s goddamn amnesty.

Palm Beach County (Florida)
PIG wants to give a "shout" out to the Palm Beach County Auto Theft Task Force for their award winning antics. In theory, their scheme to trap car thieves by using a "bait" car, is an accepted badge packer ploy. BUT, its success hinges on some "hello, badge buddies I’m being stolen" technology that seems beyond the Palm Beach County car theft squad’s pay grade.

The sting operation started out well enough when the unit deployed their tattletale bait car - a ‘mid 90's Mustang’ - in a prime "steal me" location and waited for the car to report a car theft. They waited, and waited, then one of them went to check on their "bait" and found that the "hook" was empty. Some tricky thief made off with their bait ride right under their noses. "D’oh!"

There’s a happy ending of sorts, since some old fashioned police work tracked down the missing bait a few blocks away. It had some minor damage and some gear was missing from it, but it’s back were it belongs. There is, however, one additional fact that you need to know: this isn’t the first time that this car theft unit "lost" their bait car. The last time it went missing, it took several days to track it down. As a direct result, the "bait" car program was shut down so they could work the bugs out of the system. That took several months and the program just resumed a week or so ago. We hate to be the bearers of bad news, but it appears that there are a few more "bugs" in the program that need to be worked out. If at first you don’t succeed...

Attention Palm Beach County car boosters: PIG is asking you to stop stealing the Palm Beach County car theft squad’s bait car. If you must steal the damn thing, please honk the horn or something to give them a ghost of a chance of tracking you down.

Santiago (Chile)
They’re called the Spider Girls and they’re one of the most notorious gangs in Chile. These teenage wenches claim to fame is their ability to climb up the outside of Santiago buildings and loot the upscale domiciles. In 2005, they staged a series of highly publicized robberies that netted them thousands of dollars worth of jewelry:

‘...Lurking in the gardens of expensive parts of Santiago, the four girls hurled ropes and hooks up to balcony railings, hauled themselves up and walked through the flat windows. They then walked out of the buildings as if they were visitors...’ (BBC)

After doing a stretch in reform school due to their young age, three of them vowed to change their ways. Two continue to honor that pledge but a third, Yasna, recruited a new Spider Girl named Marcielle and picked up where she left off. This week Yasna and Marcielle were bagged in the act after scaling up the outer wall of a building to a third floor balcony. This was quite a feat for the pair since, at the time of their caper, both were "heavily pregnant".

Police Blotter - 10/28/06 Thru 11/03/06
Source: PIG News Wire

Shepherdsville (Kentucky)
Impersonating a cop, the man called a Louisville (KY) McDonald’s then instructed the manager to strip-search a female employee who was - he claimed - suspected of stealing from the eatery. During the ensuing three and a half hour phone chat, the "cop" talked the manager through a series of sexual escapades that involved the 18-year old wench performing sexual acts on the assistant manager’s boyfriend, Walter Nix Jr.

Although Nix got sent up the river for 5 years after pleading guilty to sexual abuse and assorted other crimes, the fake cop -David Stewart - was kicked loose this week, after he was acquitted of impersonating an officer, soliciting sodomy and soliciting sexual abuse.

The victim is suing David Stewart and McDonald’s for $200 million dollars, but McDonald’s is singularly unimpressed. Their defense is a novel one: it’s not their fault she was dumb enough to believe this clown was a real cop.

Warsaw (Poland)
The 25 year old Polish desperado had it all figured out. Driving a small truck to cart off his loot, he pulled up to the partially finished house he planned to loot. His plan began to unravel from the moment he entered the scene of the intended crime. His arrival woke up a security guard and from there, the young desperado’s life became much more thrilling:

‘...[the security] guard who grabbed an ax and chased the would-be burglar, periodically taking swings at his head. "The young man tried to hide in his truck, but was unable to start it and drive off because the guard had broken it with his ax. That's when the burglar phoned the police," Marek Slomski of the Gliwice police was quoted by the PAP news agency as saying...’ (AFP)

How inept do you need to be to let a rent-a-cop terrorize you into calling the cops to come rescue you after your heist blew up in your face? Very, and that’s a fact. The lad faces up to 10 years in a graybar, but the news isn’t all bad. He might be reunited with his security guard "pal" in there. Why? The guard faces charges of "overstepping the bounds of legitimate defense". A dude tries to scare some young desperado onto the straight and narrow with an axe and that’s the thanks you get? Life is so unfair that way.

Cedar Rapids (Iowa)
Armed with his BB pistol, 15 year old Ryon Shelton pressed his luck to the breaking point when he aimed the weapon at a passing car. The occupants of the car returned the favor by liberating their .40 caliber Glock handguns and aiming them at Ryon. Out gunned, big damn time, Ryon dropped his BB gun and took off, but the men in the car - undercover cops in an unmarked car - chased him down and made him an offer Ryon didn’t dare refuse.

Ryon’s explanation? Trying to scare people on Halloween. Ryon’s reward? Charges of "assault while displaying a dangerous weapon". PIG feels safe in guessing that the only one terrified that night was Ryon.

Clearwater (Florida)
As bank heists go, this one set new records for ineptitude. At first, it went reasonably well, when Anthony Russo walked into the bank and demanded money. He got away,unimpeded, but he left some tattletale breadcrumbs behind: his fingerprints and some spiffy shots of him on the bank’s security cameras. When the cops identified him, they learned that he had a scheduled visit with his probation officer in two days. Did he show up? Oh hell yes, and he was wearing the same clothes he wore during the robbery. Jailarity, as Fark so cleverly calls it, transpired in record time. Don’t bother about a change of clothes, Anthony. Where you’re going, they provide those spiffy, glow in the dark, one size fits all orange jumpsuits. And here you were worrying, needlessly.

El Cerrito (Mexifornia)
The two desperados decided to turn Halloween into profitable experience, by scaring some unsuspecting citizens into compliance. Wearing bandanas over their face, they accosted a man named Donald Horgan. Adopting his most intimidating demeanor, one of them barked "Wallet". Donald Horgan, police Lt. Donald Horgan, had his own ideas on the subject. Drawing his semiautomatic handgun, he identified himself as a police officer while using his weapon’s laser-sight to paint a bull’s-eye on one desperado’s forehead. In record time, the two punks took off like scalded mutts. Later, thanks to Lt. Horgan’s descriptions, two suspects were bagged in a store about a mile from the scene of the attempted crime. Book ‘em, Dano ensued, taking two punks off the streets.

Fort Lauderdale (Florida)
Jeffrey Pagar walked into a Sun Trust Bank, passed the teller a hold-up note, bagged at least $1,000 for his troubles and left unimpeded. So far, the caper was going perfectly. He jumped into the Yellow Cab he had waiting for his daring getaway then told the driver to put his foot to the floor. That’s the point when Jeffrey’s plan careened off the rails.

The driver flatly refused to break the posted speed limits, so the bank employees and other witnesses had plenty of time to get the cab’s number and hand it over to the cops. In short order, thanks to that law abiding cabby, the cops tracked Jeffrey down in Pompano Beach. Jeffrey will have plenty of time to review his fatally flawed getaway scheme while he cools his heels in a Florida graybar hotel.

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Police Blotter
Source: PIG News Wire [10/27/06]

Muncie (Indiana)
Sabrena Davis was enjoying some boob tube fare when an alert neighbor shouted that someone was stealing the golf clubs she left on her enclosed front porch. Jumping up, Sabrena grabbed a knife, then decided that a 10 inch cooking pot would be a better choice. Armed and damn dangerous, Sabrena went into action:

‘..."I started beating him with it. He asked for it," she said. Davis' attack slowed Timothy A. Simison, 27, until police arrested him outside her home Tuesday morning shortly after she had whacked him in the head and shoulders with the pot...’ (Star Press)

The perp proved to be a very slippery customer. After being handcuffed with his arms behind his back, he managed to get his hands in front by slipping his arms under his feet. Far from finished, the handcuffed perp boosted a cop's cell phone. A search of the perp in the jail produced the cell phone from one of the cops who arrested him stuffed into the perp’s socks. Book ‘em, Dano and double lock his cell.

Kensington (England)
The thief has been plying her light-fingered trade in Kensington’s shops with considerable success. Posing as a wealthy woman from Dubai, she dispatches the store clerk on a fool’s errand elsewhere in the shop then makes off with jewelry, clothes and anything else that’s not tied down. Her methods are well known, so well known that the perp has been captured in the act by Isabel Kurtenbach Design on her CCTV system. The perp realizes that Isabel knows who she is, so she never hits Isabel’s shop while Isabel is there. The last time the perp hit Isabel’s shop she walked out with more than £2,000 of white gold and silver rings, necklaces and earrings.

Armed with her CCTV footage of the woman, Isabel decided she needed to give the cops her CCTV footage so they could identify the perp. The cops can’t find the time to collect it. Taking matters into her own hands, Isabel offered to help out local shop owners by making prints of the perp’s face from the CCTV footage so the store clerks could spot this thief easily. When Isabel mentioned that to the cops they stunned her with this amazing crap: The cops warned Isabel that posting the perp’s picture like that would "be an infringement of the woman’s (the thief’s) human rights". It’s a miracle that outraged Kensington capitalists don’t march on the police station and burn the goddamn place down.

A Human Gene Pool Improvement Epic
Source: MSNBC [10/22/06]

Base jumping is a lot like skydiving, with one memorable difference. Instead of jumping out of a plane, a base jumper takes his leap from such earthbound places as buildings, steep cliffs, and bridges. The star of this epic is a veteran base jumper named Brian Schubert, a dude who hit the big time when he and a pal jumped off Yosemite’s El Capitan in 1966. Since then, he has been a base jumping star, but his luck ran out this week when he took a leap off New River Gorge Bridge near Fayetteville (West Virginia).

The fatal jump started well enough, but, instead of opening at sufficient height, Brian’s chute didn’t open until he’d covered 851 of the 876 feet to the water below. By that time, he was going much too fast and room temperature status was conferred when he slammed into the water. When you spend your life jumping off high structures with only a few yards of silk standing between you an a painful lesson in applied physics, Brian’s fateful plunge is one of the likely consequences. So be it.

Daring Desperado Dramas
Source: PIG News Wire [10/20/06]

Omaha (Nebraska)
According to our news source, the cops were notified by a concerned citizen who called in around 6am to report some "suspicious" behavior. Suspicious? I should hope to spit. An unknown driver had connected a safe to his ride by a chain and was dragging it along the city’s streets. The good news is that the cops got on the crook’s trail and persuaded him to bail out of his ride. Although the cops recovered the safe and its contents, the bad news is that the desperado managed to escape.

If you live in or near Omaha, be on the lookout for a 40ish oppressor with gray hair who stands 5'9" and weighs in about 155. When last seen he had on jeans, a demin ball cap and glasses. If you know him, contact that police. They have some questions to ask him about the safe he "found" at the Runza restaurant.

Midvale (Somewhere in the USA)
The caper started when Jared Colwell and three other men were trying to sleep. In the wee hours, they were roused from their slumber by two armed desperados wearing ski masks. After the usual high volume threatening verbiage, Jared and his pals turned over money, their wallets and cell phones. The good news is that nobody got hurt.

Afterwards, Jared and his brother Cooper discussed the events and agreed that one of the robbers sounded like a dude who slept over a few weeks earlier. Armed with that tantalizing tidbit, Jared hatched a plan. First, he tried to call his missing cell, but the robbers didn’t answer his call. Next, he sent the robbers a text message: "Randy, I really want my phone back. I’ll pay you $300 for the phone right now." Twenty minutes later, he got a text message that read: "Okay, let’s do this."

The robbers had a plan of their own. They arrived at the appointed place behind a nearby store 20 minutes early, then hid behind a dumpster. Their plan to steal Jared’s $300 careened off the rails when they jumped out to spring their trap and met two armed cops. "Jailarity" ensued in short order.

Jerusalem
The desperados who broke into Shelly Pasternak’s car must have been shocked when they got a close look at the loot they stole from Shelly’s ride. The crooks saw the expensive case made to carry audio-visual gear and leaped to an erroneous conclusion. Imagine their shock when they opened it up and found the tools of Shelly’s trade: massage oils, dildos, ships, Chinese balls, handcuffs, at least 40 vibrators and one very special vibrating dildo.

We know what you’re thinking and you’re wrong. Shelly Pasternak isn’t getting horizontal for $. She’s a "sexologist" and she wants the $2,000 worth of sex toys back. Furthermore, she really wants the receipt book that contains the names of her customers. Is there a blackmail scheme in the offing? When we know, you’ll know.

The Big Apple
It should have been a great day for a South Korean immigrant named Mal Soon Jin. It was the day she’d worked for, waited for, since she arrived in this nation 20 years ago. It was the day she came to a federal court to become a U.S. citizen. There was just one pesky speed bump that lay between her and that U.S. Citizenship: the empty .22 caliber pistol she was carrying in her purse.

Instead of attending her citizenship ceremony, this eager immigrant was busted for bringing a firearm into a federal facility. That could land her in the slammer for 16 months. Obviously, she didn’t get the big picture on the Second Amendment. Yes, darlin’ you do have the right to keep and bear arms. But, bringing your piece into a federal building is a incredibly bad idea.

Morons, Miscreants and other Synaptic Malfunctions
Source: PIG News Wire [10/12/06]

Birmingham (England)
The first phase of the heist came off perfectly, when the Brit desperado posing as a rich customer strolled into a DD Jewelers in Birmingham city center and made off with a two-carat diamond ring worth £8,000 ($14,875). A perfect crime? You should know better by now, because this caper landed on this PIGish page filled with life’s losers.

The next chapter in this page-turner occurred a mere hour later:

‘...An hour later, a man matching his description walked into the jeweller's sister store in Sparkhill with a woman to try and sell the same ring back to them. But the eagle-eyed member of staff spotted the exclusive piece of jewellery and tricked the crook into waiting while police were called. He was left dumbfounded when police arrived at the store in Stratford Road minutes later to arrest him on suspicion of handling stolen goods. "Why he just didn't choose another jeweller in the high street, Heaven only knows," said a spokesman for the firm...’ (Daily Mail)

Did this loser think that various branches of DD Jewelers don’t talk to each other about something as important as this? Apparently, and that’s the primary reason this moron is cooling his heels an a Brit Graybar Hotel.

Sunshine Coast (England)
A Star Wars venerating desperado took a couple of practice runs to get it right, but he finally managed to boost some loot from a Brit gas station. Wearing a Darth Vader mask and armed with a plastic gun, the desperado tried his luck at a Caltex station. Brandishing his fake firearm, Darth Desperado demanded some cash from the attendant. After the cashier explained that he couldn’t open the register without scanning an item, Darth Desperado beat a hasty retreat. A while later, Darth Desperado tried his luck at another Caltex station, but this time the doors were locked and the cashier refused to open them for Dastardly Darth. Finally, Darth Desperado got it right at a Mobil station where he scanned a pack of gum then made off with some cash.

Proving that humor, of sorts, is still viable in Britain, one gas station employee suggested that gas station clerks dress up as Darth’s arch rival, Luke Skywalker. To make this ploy work, the same wit insists that all these "Lukes" be armed with light swords. Personally, we prefer something blunt and persuasive like a cricket bat. One healthy swing and this crime spree would be over.

Indiana County (Indiana)
The two desperados had it all figured out and it probably seemed like a spiffy idea in their alleged minds. The goal - winning McDonalds’s $5 million dollar Monopoly game jackpot - is reasonable enough. The method - finding the winning cup and turning it in for the cash - sounds reasonable, too. However, there is one pesky flaw in this daring scheme. The risk to rewards ratio isn’t what it should be since it involved robbing a certain McDonald’s restaurant not once, but twice, and making off with all the contest cups in the place.

Their caper came to a premature halt during their second robbery when McDonald’s employees wrestled the desperados - Robert Kern and David Bivens - to the ground and held them for the cops. The two dim bulbs will have ample time to compute the odds that the winning game piece would be in the McDonald’s they chose to rob. They’ll have time to cope with the fact that the winning piece is probably in one of the countless thousands of McDonald’s outlets that don’t happen to be in their immediate area.

The ultimate irony is this: by robbing McDonald’s they destroyed the only career path that might be open to them. Don’t bother learning "Do you want fries with that", dudes, because no fast food joint would have you, after this cup caper brain-fart.

Dastardly Desperado Dramas
Source: PIG News Wire [10/03/06]

McKinney (Mexas)
The kindest thing we can say about a McKinney (Mexas) desperado named Johnny Lee Freeman is that he was having a very crappy day. It started going to hell in a handbasket for Johnny when, after an argument with his wife, he rendering himself temporarily deaf by shooting off a gun inside his truck. Still annoyed and more than a tad deranged, he thrilled everyone at the Whitesboro Truck Stop with his erratic behavior. After leaving three bullets on the counter, he headed outside. That’s when things when from "strange" to "holy crap":

‘...he walked to his truck and pulled out a rifle. When he pointed it in the direction of the waitress at the counter, thats when she yelled to hit the decks. "They come running into the store yellin' he's got a gun, he's got a gun," said Warren Densmore, a witness. "So I poked my head out the door and he's standing out there beside his truck and another car pointing the gun at the front of the restaurant."...’ (KTEN in Oklahoma)

When the cops arrived, Johnny went for the gold by assaulting the officers while they were cuffing him. Johnny is out of harm’s way, now, in a Mexas graybar hotel facing charges of ‘deadly conduct, two counts of aggravated assault on a public servant and resisting arrest’. Like we said at the start of this piece, Johnny had one terminally crappy day and he has only himself to thank for it.

San Diego (Mexifornia)
Having some asshat steal your ride is cosmic suckage on steroids, unless the cretin who did the deed is a complete moron. A San Diego dude decide to play the odds by dialing the cell phone he left in his missing ride. The thief answered then agreed to meet the car’s owner for a "payoff" for the car’s safe return. When the desperado arrived for the meeting the cops made him an offer he couldn’t refuse. We’re pleased to report that the car and phone were returned to their rightful owner. This desperado might not be the dumbest crook in captivity but he’s damn sure working on it.

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PIGish Desperado Adventures
Source: PIG News Wire [09/28/06]

Riverhead (New York)
Annie Donnelly’s defense is, to say the least, a road less traveled. She insists that sending her to jail to serve a 4 to 12 year graybar stretch won’t cure what ails her: lottery addiction. In a way, she has a point, but, it’s accurate to state that while she’s in the slammer it’s a virtual certainty that she won’t steal another $2.3 million dollars and piss it all away on lottery tickets. That’s right $2.3 million in dead presidents:

‘...The average check was for less than $3,000 and Donnelly wrote them in oddly numbered amounts instead of round numbers to avoid being caught, prosecutors said. She also would "move money around" within the business ledgers. The theft was discovered when a bank called one of the physicians to say his checks were bouncing. In the first year Donnelly stole $41,261 from the office. Each year, the thefts increased, with Donnelly stealing $1,381,927 in 2005. Investigators believe Donnelly may have won some jackpots of $5,000 or even $25,000, but it was never enough to cover the amount she had stolen overall...’ (AP)

The presiding judge, Supreme Court Justice Robert Doyle, must have been very impressed when Annie shouted: "So put me upstate. But you know what? When I come out, I'm still going to have a problem". Just getting warmed up, Annie launched herself on a lengthy tirade that included suicide threats. Suicide? That can be arranged.

Lawrence (Mass)
An 85 year young great-grandmother awoke at 3am to a very unpleasant shock. A strange man was standing in her bedroom brandishing a knife and demanding money. Our heroine, Elizabeth Vesey, was, all things considered, cool as a cucumber.

"I thought I was hallucinating," she said. "Then I said, 'What are you doing here?' And he kept saying, 'Give me your money.'"

"He kept insisting he was going to kill me and I said, 'Fine, go ahead. I have cancer,'"

"I said to him, 'Go. Go now. I don't have any money. I'm on Social Security,'" Vesey said. "I walked him to the door and he left." (Eagle Tribune)

Elizabeth’s uninvited guest is reported to be between 5 foot 6 inches and 5 foot 8 inches tall. He speaks English, wears a bandaanna over his head and packs a knife that is 6 to 8 inches long. He’s probably considered armed and dangerous, but our feisty heroine didn’t have any problem dealing with him. Don’t mess with Elizabeth because she can still kick your butt.

PIGishly Fun Desperado Adventures
Source: PIG News Wire [09/18/06]

Canada
All things considered, a Vancouver (Canada) desperado named Shylo Kujawski is his own worse enemy. His header into Canadian justice began when the proper authorities noted Shylo’s suspicious behavior in a burb where several cars had been stolen. Shylo made pinning a "convicted car thief" label on him much easier thanks to a tattoo on his back that blabs "Grand Theft Auto". That tattletale bit of body decor made it easy for cops to find Shylo’s rap sheet.

Up to speed on Shylo and his antics, the Royal Canadian Mounted Police set up a stakeout in the burb where Shylo was plying his trade. Shylo gave them quite a show when he managed to thwart his own car boosting by accidently making the ride undriveable by engaging the car owners steering wheel lock. With all the dirt they needed, the Mounties offered Shylo accommodations in a Canadian graybar. The charges include ‘possession of stolen property in connection with auto theft’, ‘breach of probation’ and driving on a suspended license.

New York
Suffolk (New York) police got two for the price of one when they busted Kennethy Tulaba for driving while intoxicated. Knowing that his pal Ken was in the graybar on a drunk charge and deducing that Ken would need a ride home, Ken’s pal Robert DeRosa drove down to the station to pick him up. It’s the kind of thing a dude does for his pal.

Robert attracted attention the instant he lumbered out of his Honda Accord. That’s right, DWI fans, Robert was gunned to the gills on adult beverage when he arrived at the Suffolk police station. Despite the fact that he refused a sobriety test, Robert was reunited with his pal Ken in the Suffolk drunk tank. Book ‘em, Dano.

Milan (Italy)
The caper came off swimmingly, when an Italian thief waylaid a 77-year-old woman and made off with her purse. There was just one teensy weensy hint that the thief left behind when he snatched the lady's purse: his cell phone.

The good news is that the thief was reunited with his missing cell phone. The bad news is that this reunion transpired after the police lured him to a meeting where he could retrieve it. In addition to racking up an impressive point total for robbing a little old lady and dropping his cell phone, the Italian desperado gets bonus points for arriving to pick up his phone on a scooter that he'd just stolen from another little old lady. This clown is piling up a Karmic debt at an amazing rate. Book 'em Mario.

Novato (Mexifornia)
This true crime adventure unfolded while a Mexifornia desperado named Jon Eipp was the defendant in a jury trial for a burglary involving computers. Undaunted by the trouble headed his way, Jon decided to ply his trade in the courthouse - during his jury trial - by - we are not making this up - stealing computers from the courthouse. But wait, this epic gets better.

Looking at some serious graybar time for burglary, theft, dug possession, attempted auto theft and much, much more, Jon offered this excuse for his courthouse caper:

"I need help and I didn't know how to ask for help. And I guess, in my crazy way, that was my way of asking for help. Help with my drug problems, help with my sanity."

Jon didn’t really "steal" those computers from the courthouse. It was just Jon’s peculiar way of asking for help with his drug-related problems. Jon will have plenty of time to brush up on his new, personal mantra during his forthcoming graybar hotel sojourn: "Hi, my name is Jon and I’m a complete and utter moron."

PIGish Police Blotter Epics
Source: PIG News Wire [09/15/06]

Pennsylvania
We feel safe in stating that you could write a page-turner of a book based on the items car rental agencies find left behind in the cars when they’re returned. No doubt, those car rental minions tasked with cleaning out these rental rides have seen just about everything. No doubt, but it’s a safe bet that the discovery a car rental agency made in Lawrence is a first.

The fun started after a woman named Nicole Paquette returned a rental van and forgot to remove two liquor boxes when she turned it in. A closer investigation of the boxes produced a stash of cocain that’s valued at $1,000,000 in dead presidents. Armed with that info, a cop went undercover at the car rental agency after notifying Nicole that she should come pick up her property. She jumped at the bait, got busted, then added insult to injury when a search of her abode produced an even bigger stash of cocain, plus $120,000 in cash. Book her, Dano.

Nigeria
Nobody, including the man accused of this crime, disputes that a Nigerian dude channeled his inner Lizzy Borden and murdered a family member with an axe. The defendant admits wielding the axe but he insists that he was tricked by black magic into killing his brother. He explained his actions with this spiffy statement to the cops: "He said that the goats were on his farm and he tried to chase them away. When one wouldn't move, he attacked it with an axe. He said it then turned into his brother." The dead goat was magically transformed into his brother’s corpse by some spirit with a warped sense of humor? I don't think so, brotherly love Sparky.

Wisconsin
When the proper authorities investigated the fire that damaged the 100 year old Nelson House, they found it disturbingly familiar to a May 29th fire that damaged another historic Waukesha (Wisconsin) home. This time around, they were given a very helpful hint by the firebug himself. How? This 19 year old punk left behind his birth certificate. That’s right, his birth certificate.

We don’t know why he took this tattletale document with him but it might have something to do with the culture in his native land. Oh, did we mention that this firebug is also a border jumping scumbag? Shame on us.

Mexas
If you ever had doubts that they do things a tad differently in Mexas, doubt no more. This epic takes place down Loredo way, and stars a Mexas hunter named Jamie Gonzalez. His adventure hit high gear while he was out hunting for wild boar with some of his home boys one night in 2004. Spotting a wild boar about 150 yards away, Jamie unleashed a fusillade and actually managed to hit something. We’re not sure how the wild boar fared, but a border jumping scumbag named Celestino Lopez was nailed in the abdomen. It seems that Celestino was hiding in the darkness with some other border jumpers when that fatal bullet found its mark.

As soon as he realized that he’d nailed an alleged human, Jamie and two of his pals loaded Celestino into a pickup truck then transferred the wounded border jumper to an ambulance on the way to the hospital. If you think the matter ends with Celestino’s demise, guess again.

In addition to nailing Jamie and the owner of the ranch where Jamie was hunting with an $8 million dollar lawsuit, Celestino’s family hounded the local authorities into pressing charges. The local authorities tried to exact their pound of Jamie’s flesh with manslaughter charges. We’re pleased to report that, this week, the local grand jury refused to salute when the D.A. ran those manslaughter charges up the grand jury’s flagpole. Jamie got more spiffy news when Celestino’s family settled the lawsuit for a modest $50,000.

Police Blotter
Source: PIG News Wire [09/08/06]

Cedar Rapids (Iowa)
His story seemed plausible enough, until they found it. Percy Harrell dazzled the repair shop workers with a compelling yarn about his ride being car-jacked in the Windy City by drug dealers. He continued by claiming that the drug dealers stole a load of crack destined for Cedar Rapids. The truth emerged when the mechanics started to work on the car and found 720 grams of crack hidden behind the dashboard. Percy was in the local graybar on drug trafficking charges in record time. Book this fool, Dano.

Framingham (Massachusetts)
This adventure in "petty theft" started when a dude ordered a hearty meal consisting of "baked haddock, a mai tai and two sex on the beach drinks" (Boston Herald) at the Naked Fish restaurant. When it came time for the customer to pay the tab, Bartender Steven Vallarelli found the diner missing in action. Painfully aware of the customers record of "tacky behavior" - rudeness, bellowing on his cell phone and leaving pathetic tips - Steve decided to exact some payback for current and past abuses of his hospitality.

How, you ask, could Steve exact his revenge? Very easily, since, among other things, the non-paying customer let slip that he was staying across the street at the Red Roof Inn. A call to the Framingham cops did the trick. In record time, the cops rounded up the cheapskate and returned him to the restaurant. Given the choice between a trip to the graybar hotel or paying his bill, the cheapskate paid his bill then took off like a scalded mutt. He isn’t likely to return since he’s now "banned" at the Naked Fish. "Good riddance" sums up Steve’s attitude perfectly.

Maesteg (Wales)
Dominic Peck’s adventure begins in 2005 when he was shot in the nads by a cop’s rubber bullet during a police standoff. As a result of this adventure, Dominic spent 17 months in a graybar and had one of his testicles removed. Far from finished, Dominic got hooked on painkillers, a fun fact that prompted his doctor to prescribe anti-depressants, instead. This dose of ancient history sets the stage for Dominic’s latest adventure.

Two weeks after his release from the graybar, Dominic broke into the Beethoven pub and got gunned to the gills. The local cops found him passed out in the pub, leading to this week’s courtroom drama. "It’s not my fault", Dominic protests. He never would have broken into the pub if the cops hadn’t shot him in the nads in 2005. That led to the painkiller dependency and the anti-depressants, which, as luck would have it, don’t mix well with adult beverage.

This just in! "I am a victim" is alive and well in Wales. Film at 11.

Spring Hill (Florida)
The fun started when a chad-puncher named Craig Daniels drove his 1987 Ford truck over - and through - several gas pumps at Hess Express. He nailed two pumps and sent one of them flying into a third pump. When one of the pumps burst into flames, a quick thinking Hess Express employee switched off the gas feed.

Meanwhile, our hero, Craig bailed out of this ride and took refuge on a 7-story tall utility pole. Whenever anyone tried to shine a light on him, he started climbing higher, threatening to jump. And why, you ask, aside from the obvious, was Craig so frantic to escape the cops? He was already on the proper authority’s radar for "violating his probation on charges of grand theft and possession of cocaine" (St. Pete Times).

We’re disgusted to report that Craig perpetrated this "I’m gonna jump" crap for 5 hours, before the cops talked him down. Call me names if you must, but, since Craig lacked the nads to jump, the cops should have helped him along by shooting him off the damn utility pole. That’s right, PIGsters "Just shoot the bastard" is back in play. This is not a drill.

Manchester (New Hampshire)
Unable to cope with life’s non-negotiable requirements, Gaetan Roy hit upon a nifty way to resolve his unemployment-induced problems. Phase one of his plan unfolded when he strolled into a local bank and boosted $1,300 dollars. Phase two started off with a stop at the Dunkin Donuts next to the bank where he chilled out with an iced coffee. He stayed there until the cops arrived to arrest him. Phase three - going to jail where he would be "supported" ensued like clockwork, absolving our hero of all that care and feeding crap that’s such a joy when you’re out of work.

Fort Worth (Mexas)
Avery Harris had it all going his way, when, after knocking on the door of a house, he got no response. With nobody home, this Mexas housebreaker put down his gun and started to search for some unattended loot. There was just one pesky problem with Avery’s plan. The homeowner was, in fact, there, but he was busy and couldn’t answer Avery’s knock on the door. Big, big fun.

This caper hit a speed bump when the homeowner, Ronald White heard someone enter his home uninvited. The drama got much more interesting when Ronald found Avery’s unattended weapon. Gun in hand, he found Avery rummaging in the bedroom. When Avery turned to confront Ronald, he reached into his waistband as if looking for a weapon. Leaving nothing to chance, Ronald peppered Avery with a fusillade from his own gun, hitting him in the breadbasket. Although Avery managed to escape, he was bagged by the cops when he showed up at a local hospital with a gunshot wound. Book ‘em, Dano.

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Police Blotter
Source: PIG News Wire [08/31/06]

Jacksonville (Florida)
It’s accurate to report that a Jacksonville dude named Neil Thompson, Sr isn’t exactly thrilled spitless with his brother’s taste in playmates. For reasons we don’t know - and don’t give a flaming damn about - Neil and his brother (henceforth called Bro) share an abode in Jacksonville. As far as we can tell, Neil and Bro get along swimmingly, except for one pesky little issue.

Bro invited his main squeeze, Cynthia Mantilla to move in with him. That was spiffy for Bro, but Cynthia gets on Neil’s last raw nerve. After taking as much of Cynthia’s crap as he could stand, Neil ordered Cynthia to pack up her toys and get the hell out of his house. Unwilling to take that from Neil, Cynthia responded with a virtual "bite me" and stomped off to her bedroom. Did that end the matter? Nope. Neil bagged his handgun, followed Cynthia to his room then brandished the gun at her. Afraid, but still unwilling to get out of Dodge, Cynthia continued to work with the laptop computer on her lap. Done talking, Neil pulled the trigger and destroyed the laptop.

At press time, Cynthia is still living in Neil’s abode with Bro, but Neil has new digs in a Jacksonville graybar where cops are trying to decide of Neil tried to shoot Cynthia and missed, or intended to shoot the laptop to scare Cynthia into compliance.

Stamford (Connecticut)
The instant he got released from a 6-month long graybar hotel stay, Steven Linton decided that the best way to celebrate his release would, necessarily, involve a brewskie infusion. When the cops tracked Steven down, they found him enjoying the aforementioned adult beverage, a fact that prompted the cops to send Steven back to his graybar suite. We know what you’re thinking and you’re right. Drinking a few brewskies isn’t against the law. Too true, PIGsters, but in this case our hero stole two cases of beer and that, you probably know, puts Steven in well-charted, "You’re busted, moron" waters. Book ‘em, Dano.

PIG’s Police Blotter Report
Source: PIG News Wire [08/25/06]

Missoula (Montana)
Two rain-soaked Oregon teenagers - Emily Ann Whitehead and Christopher Stahl - decided to make their summer memorable so they stole 25 guns, a Playstation 2, a DVD player and a video camera from Emily’s dad then took off on a cross-country jaunt. Their road trip hit a speed bump when Christopher managed to wound himself in the leg while twirling a loaded handgun on his finger. Faster than you can say "bang", the Missoula (Montana) cops arrived at the hospital where Christopher was being treated and offered the pair graybar accommodations.

Since a "memorable summer" was the pot of gold at the end of this teenage rainbow, PIG is willing to stamp this epic with a non-negotiable "mission accomplished" label.

The Big Apple (New York)
A Village street vendor who deals in bootlegged DVDs found out the hard way that certain differently-male humans aren’t the "gentle sex" like they were in the "good old days". Wayne Buckler learned this painful lesson when he offered his unwanted affections to a petite (4 feet 11 inches) wench named Patreese Johnson. Spotting Patreese strolling past a local movie theater with some of her galpals, Wayne hit her with his version of "hey baby". The incident escalated when Patreese replied that she wasn’t interested in dudes, period. Deeply wounded, Wayne responded by spitting on Patreese. From there, things got thrilling in a heartbeat.

The New York Daily News lays this spiffy prose on us:

‘...A gang of petite but ornery lesbians pummeled and stabbed a DVD bootlegger in the West Village early yesterday after he tried to pick up one of the women - and then spat on her when she rebuffed his advances, police and witnesses said.

Wayne Buckle, 28, was jumped by the women at 2 a.m. in front of the IFC movie theater on Sixth Ave. after allegedly cursing a 19-year-old gay woman because she rejected him.

"She's my girl, and no one hits on my girl!" one of the women yelled during the bloody beatdown, a police source said.

The women - all from Newark - whipped Buckle with belts before 4-foot-11 Patreese Johnson allegedly stabbed him in the belly with a steak knife, police said...’ (Daily News)

The "gang of petite but ornery lesbians" are charged with gang assault and criminal possession of a weapon.

Leicestershire (England)
The desperados' plan was, all things considered a good one. They began by setting up operations in a vacant property on the floor above the target of their greed. Working tirelessly, they ‘chipped their way through nine inches of reinforced concrete floor’ to get at the treasure below. The whole process took "weeks" according to experts. Big, big fun.

There was just one pesky problem with their plan. When they finally gained access to the store they discovered their mistake. They’d gone to all that trouble to break into a newsagents, a capitalist outpost without anything worth all that hard work. The probable target of their greed - a jewelry store - is three doors down the block. How, exactly, does "D’oh" sound with a Brit accent?

Birmingham (Michigan)
The caper, such as it was, came off without a hitch. The desperado sauntered into a local Stop and Rob (A.K.A. 7-Eleven), brandished a gun then demanded the money. The clerk complied, then alerted the cops the moment the desperado left with his loot. A cop arrived in time to see the desperado pulling away from the scene of the crime, but before he could give chase, "it" happened. Inexplicably, the desperado’s car came to an abrupt halt after he ran a red light. The problem? The desperado’s getaway ride ran out of gas. Jailarity ensued in record time, making an empty gas tank the least of the armed robber’s problems.

Salt Lake City (Utah)
As heists go, this was strictly small potatoes. The perp sauntered up the to the clerk, asked for a carton of smokes then walked out the door with them, without paying. The clerk chased after him and tried to stop him, but this perp was no gentleman so he punched the female clerk in the face. The Deseret News describes what happened this way:

‘...James Sjostrom was standing in line right behind the man who took the cigarettes and saw the entire thing unfold. "He just turned and clocked her," Sjostrom said. "He pounded her face. It was pretty vicious."

That's when Sjostrom went after the man who assaulted the store clerk. As he went outside, Sjostrom said he saw the man standing over the clerk, who was kneeling over on the ground, as if he were going to punch her again. When the man saw Sjostrom coming at him, he took a swing at him, too. But the attacker quickly found out he was no match for the bulky Sjostrom.

Sjostrom is a former Marine who taught hand-to-hand combat and currently teaches a course on Russian kettlebells, or the martial art of strength training, at the Sports Mall in Murray. "I grabbed him, threw him on the ground, put his hands behind his back, sat on him and waited for the cops to come," Sjostrom said...’

Sometimes all it takes is "one good man", especially if that dude is a former Marine who is an expert in hand-to-hand combat.

As fun as this story already is, it gets better. The perp was carrying release papers that showed he had just been sprung from the slammer that very day. Holy instant recidivism, Batman!

Poggersdorf (Austria)
A rookie desperado thrilled everyone in Poggersdorf (Austria) spitless when he armed himself with a toy pistol, put on a mask then raced into his chosen target. Shouting "Hold up, hold up", he tried to get blood out of a turnip by robbing the wrong damn establishment. The building he erroneously targeted wasn’t a bank; it was city hall. He got the big picture when an kindly employee gave him the thrilling news. He escaped, temporarily, but was nabbed when he returned to fetch this getaway ride, a motorbike.

An Explosive Notion
Source: PIG’s Golden Oinks 2006 [08/18/06]

Dumber than a box of rocks is the nicest thing anybody can say about a Tennessee denizen named Kaleb Spangeler. For reasons that probably seemed nifty to this synaptically challenged dolt, Kaleb decided to play daredevil with a "mortar-style firework". After ingesting an unknown quantity of adult beverage, Kaleb affixed the mortar round to an old football helmet with duct tape. Far from finished, he Emerilized his stupidity by putting on the helmet and lighting the damn mortar-style explosive. Faster than you can say "fire in the hole", the ensuing explosion vaporized the helmet, leaving our hero on the ground, unconscious and bleeding from the head.

We're bummed to report that Kaleb's attempt to improve the human gene pool was unsuccessful, this time. His injuries - burns, lacerations and a concussion - are far from fatal. However, given Kaleb's proclivity for mind-numbing stupidity, we're willing to predict that human gene pool improvement is hovering just over the next horizon for this fool. Label this epic "any day now" in your human gene pool improvement archives.

Police Blotter
Source: PIG News Wire [08/17/06]

Lincoln (Nebraska)
Kevin Holder, a desperado whose rap sheet is 43 action-packed pages long, is no stranger to the local cops. Hell, he’s practically a member of the family now that he just racked up his 226th arrest. We know what you’re asking, but 226, as impressive as that might be, isn’t even close to the record. A desperado named Edward Rooks - he achieved room temperature in 2004 - holds the record with a staggering 652 arrests.

For those who obsess on such things, here are a few highlights from Kevin’s arrest record:

‘...Holder's convictions include criminal mischief, marijuana possession, violation of protection order, assault, resisting arrest, assault on an officer, possession of cocaine. Many were misdemeanors, but he also has been sentenced to at least three prison terms for felonies, including a four-year stretch starting in 1996...’ (AP)

According to the Lincoln cops, Kevin is merely number 40 on the most arrested list, but he has bigger problems staring him in the face. This time out Kevin is charged with felony possession of burglar tools, a fact that has prosecutors urging a judge to nail Kevin as a "habitual criminal". That means one more felony conviction could put Kevin in a graybar suite for up to 60 years.

Durham (North Carolina)
When Marie Miller returned home from a beauty parlor pit stop she got a very rude welcome from an intruder who had broken into her home. The desperado kicked Marie down, but the vigorous 89-year-old Tar Hell denizen defended herself admirably. Unable to reach high enough to "pop him in the nose", she kicked and clawed her attacker so ferociously that the intruder beat a hasty retreat. Although the desperado made off with Marie's ride, her cell phone, plus some scratches, his escape is only temporary. The cops have him identified and expect to offer him graybar hotel accommodations any minute now.

Scottdale (Pennsylvania)
A Keystone State dude named James Flumer can't take "no" for an answer, when it comes to the fair sex. Old enough to know better at age 54, Jimmy is locked and loaded to meet some other bad boys, who, as luck would have it, probably won't take "no" for an answer either, when they get ready to make Jimmy their jailhouse bitch.

How, you ask, did Jimmy qualify for a graybar hotel suite? In one case, he blew up a woman's mailbox then left her a calling card - a nude photo of himself . Other women have ratted out Jimmy for similar antics, putting him in a Washington County graybar on charges of stalking, harassment, criminal mischief and assorted other "related" charges. PIG has some timely advice for Jimmy: "What goes around, comes around dude, so bend over and take it...like a man."

Kansas City (Missouri)
Thelma Blew was understandably annoyed when she arrived home. Why? She found the place ransacked and noted that several items, including a 27 inch boob tube, were missing. Help came from an alert neighbor who spotted the burglars packing the loot into a stolen Geo. Since the stolen ride was too small to carry the 5 desperados and their loot, the miscreants tied the stolen boob tube to the roof of the car.

As luck would have it, the cops responding to the call, spotted to stolen ride with its tattletale roof decor. Leaping into action, they stopped the car then offered the 5 burglars graybar hotel accommodations. That respite from the day-to-day desperado life might give them sufficient time to familiarize themselves with rides roomy enough to handle their loot during the getaway.

York (Pennsylvania)
We're damn sorry that we didn't see this one on the boob tube. Setting aside - for the moment - our tirade that we need a dedicated "police chase" boob tube channel, we'll give you the fun facts about this York (Pennsylvania) epic. The drama unfolded when the police responded to a "robbery in progress" call. The chase ensued when the cops spotted the suspects in a stolen pickup truck. During the ensuing chase, one of the perps tried to slow the cops by tossing a computer and tools from the truck. Refusing to cooperate, the suspects tried to lose the cops by plowing through a soybean field then entering a housing development. Finally, the driver lost control and hit the proverbial "immovable object". The cops gave chase on foot and "treed" the driver, David Graham, on the roof of a home. His cohort, Kathryn Troy, was found hiding in a nearby shed. As fun as this epic might sound, there's one element that elevates it to award winning status: during the 9 mile high speed chase, the perps were towing a stolen John Deere tractor.

Mobile (Alabama)
Ashley Smith was decked out in the requisite prison garb during her court appearance on theft charges in Mobile (Alabama) courtroom. In addition to the snappy brown jail uniform, Ashley - according to one report - was also wearing handcuffs. All things considered, as tasteful as it might appear, her wardrobe screamed "prisoner", when viewed by any rational adult. The key term here, apparently, is "rational adult".

Mobile County Metro Jail Warden Mike Haley describes what happens, this way:

"This inmate Smith went out the backdoor of the courtroom and obviously went to the next door courtroom which was vacant (and) exited that courtroom. She had on handcuffs and a brown jail uniform when she left Judge McKnight's courtroom."

Ashley walked out of the courtroom, past one guard, got on an elevator to the ground floor, then walked past a second guard and out the courthouse door. At no time was she challenged, questioned, or given a second look. At press time, Ashley is still missing in action. If you run into Ashley, tell her that her pals at the Mobile County Metro Jail would really, really like to have a word or two with her.

Update I: Unhappy about the fact that a prisoner simply walked out of the courthouse without being challenged, the proper authorities are trying to spin this epic to protect the guilty. Among other things, they swear that Ashley was not handcuffed. Yeah, right, dudes.

Update II: Ashley is back in custody, but don’t bet the proverbial agriculture endeavor that Mobile’s badge packers can keep this slippery female in that graybar suite. Stay tuned for "The Continuing Adventures of Ashley".

Stupidity Is Its Own Reward
Source: PIG News Wire [08/12/06]

What a way to go!
This stellar adventure in human gene pool improvement is an epic that has three essential ingredients. First - and most important of all - we have a Brazilian dude who is...was...the biggest moron in the known universe. We spice this Darwinian adventure up by giving this clown a unexploded rocket-propelled grenade. Last, but far from least, we crown this mixture with a sledge hammer. If you see where this is headed don't spoil it for the others, Sparky. That's right, PIGsters, this intellectual flat-liner tried to "salvage" the rocket-propelled grenade by hitting it with a sledge hammer. In addition to adding our hero to the human gene pool improvement volunteers honor roll, the resulting explosion destroyed the workshop, turned another man in the workshop extra crispy and set a "several" nearby cars on fire.

Speed Camera Jihad
A Brit named Craig Moore was more than a tad peeved when he got nailed for speeding by one of those damn roadside camera gizmos. Unwilling to take the points hit on his driver's license, Craig decided to expunge his record, by brute force. Craig began his scheme by leaving the scene of his 'crime' to get the key ingredient in his driving record preserving plan: "thermite" a spiffy goodie that "achieves high temperatures when ignited". Thus armed, Craig returned to the scene of his driving infraction and - you guessed it - tried to blow the camera and its incriminating photographic evidence to smithereens.

As spiffy as his plan sounds, it didn't go exactly as planned. Instead of destroying the evidence, the explosion 'jogged the camera into taking a second picture of his van and its registration number'. You see, speed camera fans, this roadside blight stores the images in the machine's base, not the camera itself. Instead of paying a £60 fine and taking a three point hit on his licence, Craig is up on charges of causing £11,700 worth of damage to the camera, an offense that could win him a 10 year stretch in a Brit Graybar Hotel.

Big Apple Bonehead
Sending a smartass letter to the cops is not, in and of itself, a fatally-flawed idea. It still continues to fall short of critical stupidity mass when you include a white substance (it turned out to be harmless) in the letter. But when you include along with your obscene verbiage and your harmless powered a taunt "Catch me if you can", it's probably not a nifty notion to include your real name in the signature plus your real address on the envelope. That's what a drug punk named Abdullah Date did this week. New York's men in blue tracked the fool down in record time and offered him graybar digs to "think it over" while they run sending a threatening letter to the cops charges through the system.

Louisiana Lame-brain
The adventure started when 20 year old Joe Brumfield boosted a 2002 Ford Taurus. An avid "CSI" viewer, Joe decided to emulate the show and hide the evidence of his crime by setting the car on fire. He got the drenching the interior and exterior of the car with gas part right, but he embellished the "CSI" plot by spilling some gas on his hands and arms. When he lit the fire he got the requisite bonus by setting himself on fire. His lone functioning synapse said "call for help" but, with his hands and arms ablaze, he failed to get a firm grip on the cell phone - also stolen. He finally hitched a ride to a local hospital where he'll stay while his second degree burns heal. Eventually, the cops will offer Joe a graybar "recovery" room all his own.

Armed and Dangerous in Alaska
Karen Clifton shouldn't hold her breath waiting for her boss to name her "employee of the week". Karen's adventure began when her boss was dressing her down for failing to properly document the distribution of morphine to patients. The fun kicked into high gear when Karen and her boss sat down to discuss her shoddy work. "IT" happened when the supervisor opined that Karen should get a mental evaluation before she would be allowed to return to work. In heartbeat, Karen pulled a gun from her purse and tried to shoot her boss. Luckily, the gun misfired, allowing her quick thinking boss to wrestle Karen to the floor then disarm her.

We're pleased to report that the wheels of justice kicked into gear, adding several new items to Karen's resume: charges of attempted murder and assault. While she's on this involuntary respite from her job, Karen will have ample time to take her boss's advice and go get her head examined.

Crime, Punishment and Countermeasures
Source: PIG News Wire [08/04/06]

Not your daddy's smoke alarm
It's not breaking news when you read that a capitalist has installed a smoke alarm to protect his business, but in this case, it's not 'that' kind of smoke alarm. A certain Houston area capitalist has an alarm that starts filling the business with smoke when somebody breaks into the place after normal business hours. The idea behind it is a spiffy one: a desperado isn't likely to hang around if he, she, heshe or it thinks that the place is on fire.

This innovative "smoke alarm" crime-stopper was road tested successfully this week and it passed with flying colors. PIGish kudos go out to the inspired inventor of this goodie. We are, in this case, very damn amused.

Don't mess with Aage
Three Norwegian punks took a look at 60 year old Aage Piltingsrud and decided the man was easy pickings. Appearances, in this instance were deceiving. The assault started with a thud when one punk accosted Aage on the street then smashed our hero on the head with an iron bar. Dazed, but still on his feet, Aage proceeded to pound the snot out of the punk who beaned him. It's accurate to report that Aage - an ex-boxer - still had the right stuff, because, our hero reports that "The guy who hit me with the bar got one hell of a beating". Unwilling to go toe to toe with an outraged Aage, the remaining punks took off like scalded mutts. When Aage got home, he cleaned himself up and called the cops. After telling them about the attempted mugging, Aage told the cops that "if a man came into the hospital that had been beaten up, I was the one who had done it." At press time, no charges have been filed. If you cross Aage's path, be very damn polite, because if you get him riled up he can - and will - kick your butt.

Adventures in Stupidity
Source: PIG News Wire [08/04/06]

Human gene pool improvement - succeeds
An Aussie dude's final hours were jam-packed with drama. Wanted for stabbing a dude, Gareth Lewis stole a car and took off on a high speed road trip. The ride came to a action-packed conclusion when he veered onto a footpath, nailed a support wire, flipped the car sideways & then slammed into a power pole. The fact that he achieved room temperature as a result of this spate of crappy driving doesn't, in and of itself, make this epic PIG-worthy. The spiffy fact that lands Gareth on the Golden Oinks 2006 page is how he died.

The critical factor is a sawed-off shotgun that, some-damn-how, discharged during the car accident and inflicted a fatal wound in this clown's nads. Human gene pool improvement is not a complete success in this case since Gareth has a 15-year-old son, plus Garteth's 19-year-old girlfriend has a bun in the oven. Mark this one, "it's about time" on your human gene pool improvement scorecard.

An explosively bad idea
A Brit "pensioner" thrilled the whole neighborhood when he decided to clean his kitchen floor with a cleaning fluid, aptly named Cillit BANG. Determined to get out all the grime, Ron Cox added a splash of "petrol" to the mix with explosive results. Mister Gas Fumes wandered off and made a new friend in the living room, Mister Gas Boiler's pilot light. The ensuing blast blew out a bay window and wrecked the ceilings and floors. Since Ron is partially deaf, he wasn't fully aware of the damage until he wandered into the lounge and found it obliterated. A neighbor found Ron shaken, but not stirred, when he responded to the "almighty bang" caused by Ron's antics.

Revolving door justice - Italian style
Two Italian prisoners caught a break when the proper authorities kicked them loose early, under a massive pardon program. Massimiliano Formula, 32, and Raimondo Muntoni, 28, were two of the 12,000 graybar guests who got as much as 3 years lopped off their sentences this week. We don't know how the other 11,998 freed jailbirds celebrated their newfound freedom, but we're painfully aware of the antics our two heros perpetrated. The started out by heading for the nearest bar where they got gunned to the gills on adult beverages. When their "we got out of jail early" celebration reached critical mass, the cops arrived and asked to see their papers. Instead of papers, the two heros responded by punching the police. Jailarity ensued, putting them back where they started in 5 action packed hours.

---

Morons, Miscreants and Other Synaptic Malfunctions
Source: PIG News Wire [07/26/08]

Kansas City
There's no dispute about one fact: last December, Melinda Abell showed up in a Kansas City hospital's emergency room with a cell phone lodged in her throat. This week, the more important question - how the damn thing got there - is being adjudicated by the relevant justice system wranglers. According to prosecutors, Melinda's squeeze at the time - Marlon Gill - went postal and rammed the phone down Melinda's throat. Marlon insists that Melinda did the deed herself when he caught her talking on the cell blight with another man. Worried that the phone would rat out her new man, Melinda tried to swallow it.

And what, you ask, does Melinda say about all this? Not as much as you hope. She was gunned to the gills on adult beverages at the time of the incident and can't remember how a cell phone got shoved down her throat.

Plantation (Florida)
The incident started last December when an Orange County Sheriff's deputy nearly got clobbered by a speed demon who swerved into his lane. The fun hit high gear when he pulled the car over and found a differently-sober woman behind the wheel who was stark naked from the waist down. After convincing the woman to take a few roadside sobriety tests - a formality considering the open bottle of Southern Comfort on the seat beside her - the officer tried to get her to agree to a Breathalyzer test but she refused. Jailarity ensued, but the fun is just getting started.

The half-naked, drunk as a skunk speed demon is Officer Laurie Primeau, a veteran (27 years on the job) badge packer with the Plantation (Florida) P.D. As fun as this is, it gets better. At the time Laurie - who told police that she didn't understand the finger to nose sobriety test - was an instructor at the police academy. Laurie's area of expertise at the academy is DUI.

Fast forward to the present and Laurie is serving out the final days of a suspension that ends in August. In addition to her work-related punishment, Laurie was fined $647, got 50 hours community service and had her driver's license suspended for 180 days. When she emerges from her suspension, Laurie will be on the infamous "one more hiccup and you're so out of here" short list.

Bellevue (Washington)
After a municipal worker reported some car break-ins, the police decided to go investigate. Officer Greg Grannis found that several cars, including his own, had been targeted. A systematic search by officers came up empty, until 5am when two SWAT team members checked their van and found the culprit - a 25 year old transient - asleep in the back of the SWAT van. Dumb is busting into a cop's ride. Stupidity on steroids is getting caught sleeping in the back of a police van.

PIG feels safe in predicting that this perp - identity unknown at press time - probably isn't a charter member of MENSA.

Springfield (Vermont)
Paul Murphy's application for a first and second-class liquor license seemed routine enough, on the surface. On his application Paul explained that he wanted to sell adult beverages from his Springfield abode - 700 Charleston Road. In addition to some "missing information" on the application, there's an additional fact that no one in the town's liquor board ever dreamed of including. The "fun fact" in this story is this: in addition to being Paul's current residence, 700 Charleston Road is also the address for the Southern State Correctional Facility. That's right, PIGsters, Paul's clanging brass nads prompted him to try to get a license to sell hooch from his jail cell. For those who care, Paul is doing time for aggravated assault, escape and passing bad checks. Paul is wasting his time on all these small potatoes crimes. With his imagination, Paul belongs in the criminal big leagues: on Capitol Hill with all the other scumbags.

Toronto (Canada)
A 21-year-old Toronto horndog named Jonathan Grant belongs in gropers anonymous. His adventure started when 3 Hooters waitresses reported Jonathan to the cops for harassing and sexually assaulting them. His synaptic malfunction continued when he attacked the cops who came to investigate the incident. Jonathan's luck appeared to change when a judge cut him loose, on bail, under one condition: Jonathan must "keep the peace". Fat chance. Before he got out of the court building, Jonathan snatched a woman's purse then groped a court wench. "Jailarity" ensued in record time.

Hamburg (Germany)
German cops spotted the desperado trying to break into a leisure center in Hamburg. Despite the cops' best efforts the desperado eluded capture, temporarily. Undaunted, the cops quickly tracked him down, using a very helpful clue he left behind near a metal fence: his index finger. Cops think it tore it off when his ring got stuck on the fence. Thanks to the prints lifted from the finger - the desperado is on file - the cops quickly tracked the clown down. Attempts to reunite dumbass with his finger were unsuccessful. Book 'em, Klaus.

Crime and Punishment Daily Double
Source: PIG News Wire [07/20/06]

Don't Mess With Candelaria
This family fun adventure started when the patriarch of the family, Mateo Perez, returned to his West Palm Beach abode after a grueling 12 hour work day. He almost reached his own front door when a scumbag named Craig Mack accosted Mateo and tried to grab his wallet. When Mateo shouted for help, his wife Candelaria was the first to answer the call. A fearless 4-foot 9-inch dynamo, Candelaria grabbed the 6 foot man attacking her hubby by the hair and shook him. Trying to wrest free from the couple holding him down, Mack struck out at Candelaria, sending her flying.

Upset about the way this attacker was hurting her parents, 13-year old Imelta picked up a plastic lawn chair and smashed it over Craig Mack's head, stunning the would-be robber. Enraged, Mateo's hellcat bride attacked the dazed robber again, pummeling him with a flurry of blows before she grabbed him by the hair and smashed his head, repeatedly, into some wooden boards in the yard. Unwilling to miss out on the fun, 10-year-old Juan Perez picked up a stick and started thrashing Craig Mack with it. Eventually, with their attacker"subdued", the parents sent Imelta into the house to fetch some rope. She returned with a jump rope that they used to tie up the battered robber.

When the cops arrived, they found a battered Craig Mack hot-tied in the front yard. After they took custody of their prisoners, the cops got to see Candelaria in action when she gave Craig Mack a parting gift: a punch to the face. PIG salutes this family togetherness and strongly advises everyone to steer clear of Candelaria Perez, because she can probably kick your butt.

Getting "Sauced" In Philly
The drama started when a 23-year-old Philly desperado entered a local grocery store and locked himself inside with the owner and at least 15 customers. The desperado reached the high water mark of his caper when he jumped up on a freezer near the cash register and brandished his gun at store owner Eddie Gomez. The punk's downfall, literally, began when a customer named Thomas Santana grabbed the punk's legs from behind. The punk's travails continued when store owner Gomez rushed out to help his customer wrestle the robber to the floor. The punk responded by firing his gun wildly, managing, some-damn-how, to shoot himself in the head. Thomas Santana persuaded the robber to surrender his gun - voluntarily - by grabbing a jar of Mott's applesauce and slugging the robber with it at least 4 times.

The final fun fact in this story is this: the robber was taken to the ironically named Albert Einstein Medical Center for treatment. When he gets released from the hospital, the punk is looking at a laundry list of charges: attempted murder, aggravated assault, simple assault, attempted robbery, reckless endangerment and weapons violations.

Stupid Criminal Tricks
Source: PIG News Wire [07/20/06]

New York City
The caper started well enough when two Big Apple desperados knocked over a bank in Queens and made off with $65,000. Despite their insistence that the bank forgo those exploding dye packs, the robbers got them anyway. They discovered this dose of robbery victim perfidy when a dye pack exploded moments after they left the bank. Rattled by the treacherous explosive, the robbers dropped $30,000 of their loot on the sidewalk outside the bank and misplaced more of it in the getaway car.

Using photos to identify the perps, New York's finest aided by the FBI tracked the fools down within a few days. When they examined the remaining loot, it looked odd: worn down and washed out. When questioned, the desperados explained that they used the washing machine in a local motel to wash away that tattletale red dye. File this epic under "laundered money" in your dumb crook archives.

Belleville (Illinois)
This synaptic malfunction began when a Fairview Heights cop bagged a dude who was differently-sober in public. The man might have earned the usual ride home to sober up, but that changed when he identified himself as Mark Reason. A quick check revealed there was an outstanding arrest warrant for a Mark Reason, so "jailarity" ensued. Since the perp was differently-sober at the time, the cops decided to let him sober up before they verified his identity. The bitter truth unfolded when the booking officer recognized the perp. His real name is Mark Straughter, a dude who is wanted for a parole violation. How pitiful must your luck be when the phony name you use is higher on the "most wanted" food chain. We're please to report that this synaptically challenged dude is still in the St. Claire County graybar since he can't come up with the $125,000 in bail money.

South Florida
A South Florida lawyer named Knovack Jones took garden variety shyster greed to a whole new level after plundering a client's bank account for $300,000. The drama unfolded when Ms. Jones became the official shyster for the estate of Pauline English. It all went according to Hoyle, until Ms. Jones decided to help out an African doctor who contacted her by e-mail. He had a special deal and he needed Ms. Jones financial assistance to land a $38.6 million dollar contract. It was too good to pass up, so Ms. Jones "borrowed" $300,000 of Pauline English's $400,000 estate and "invested it" with her African pal. That's right, PIGsters, this shyster wench lost $300,000 of somebody else's money in a classic Nigerian e-mail scam.

And what, you ask, does disbarred shyster Jones have to say for herself: "It's not like I was part of this or that it was planned or calculated." When pressed for a more coherent response, Ms. Jones cited "work-related stress" and her angst over her hubby's bout with cancer.

Cops and Robbers
Source: PIG News Wire [07/14/06]

Princeton (West Virginia)
The chase began in the wee hours of the morning when a Princeton (West Virginia) cop, Sgt. W.E. Rose, spotted a man wanted for questioning. When Sgt. Rose pulled up behind the vehicle in which his quarry was riding, the car took off like a scalded mutt. Two blocks latter, the man wanted for questioning bailed out of the ride, but the driver kept on going.

The chase continued unabated until the driver bailed from his ride while it was still moving. He ran from the ride, raced through some woods, then plunged over a cliff, rolled down a hill and came to a stop 100 feet below. Sgt. Rose didn't see the danger until it was too late so he, too, plunged over the cliff, hit a tree, then came to a stop near his suspect whom he handcuffed. Another officer involved in the chase, Mercer County sheriff's deputy, Sgt. C.E. Lowe, decided to join the fun, so he, voluntarily, dove off the cliff into a tree then scrambled down to assist Sgt. Rose. Eventually, all three cliff diving daredevils were rescued by the East River Volunteer Fire Department, the Princeton Rescue Squad and the Bluestone Valley Volunteer Fire Department. All three men were examined and deemed good to go. If you have a preferred lemmings related metaphor, this is the time to run it up the flagpole.

Orange County (Florida)
The fun started when Brian Panderodich and two pals decided to boost some spares from an auto salvage yard. While his two pals waited in their getaway ride, Brian scaled a fence then started sorting through a pile of tires. His search ended abruptly when his actions triggered an air bag that was buried under the tires. The air bag went "bang", the tires went flying and Brian went out like a light when one of the flying tires nailed him. Fun? Yup, but it's far from over.

Brian's pals took off like scalded mutts and didn't lift finger to help an injured Brian until hours later. Finally, they enlisted some help from a third party who promptly tipped off the cops. The cops found a badly injured Brian at the scene of the crime and took him to the hospital where his survival hangs in the balance.

Sylvester (Georgia)
The drama unfolded when a car pulled up to the drive up window at the Sylvester Banking Company. The driver presented a personal check to be cashed that bore a familiar name. In fact, the check belonged to another employee in the same bank. After alerting the co-worker, the clerk at the drive-up window stalled the driver of the car, by asking for additional identification before cashing the check. Meanwhile the clerk whose check was being cashed verified that her home had just been robbed.

Eventually, the driver and his cohorts got spooked and took off, but the driver - Calvin Barfield - left some very important clues behind: his driver's license and his Social Security card. The proper authorities made short work of the matter, offering the three desperados civic accommodations for breaking into at least 4 homes.

Human Gene Pool Improvement
Source: PIG News Wire [07/13/06]

Status: Mission Accomplished
At 19, Milwaukee denizen Andrew Flick was, barely, old enough to know better. A recent graduate of Cudahy High School, Andy decided to celebrate this important benchmark in his life by attending a party with his pals. After a liberal infusion of adult beverage, Andy decided to roll the room temperature transition dice by hanging off a 4th story balcony and reaching for a nearby power line. Before you could say "zap", Andy got a power line reality check of sufficient magnitude to loosen his grip on the balcony. The electrical jolt may or may not have killed him, but it's a virtual certainty that the sudden stop at the end of that 4 story fall didn't do him a whole lot of good.

Status: Final Warning Issued
A New York dude named Ray Ducharn learned the hard way that it's never a nifty notion to play chicken with a half ton of bipolar bovine. This spiffy episode occurred at the annual human gene pool improvement Olympics, also known as Pamplona's (Spain) running of the bulls. He's not the only nitwit to be stomped by a bovine - 6 other pinheads were injured - but his paralysis below the waist earns him a gold star for stupidity-induced injuries.

Status: Mission Accomplished
A 22-year old Rhode Island denizen, Andre Costa, was determined to celebrate July 4th with a resounding "bang", so he rounded up some spiffy fireworks. His celebration hit a speed bump when one of his noise makers - one of the big boys - turned out to be a dud. Unwilling to let this noise maker spoil his fun, Andre leaned closer to examine the fuse. That's when the explosive fulfilled its prime function and did its level best to blow off Andre's face. According to emergency responders he wasn't conscious or breathing when they arrived. Unconscious? That's a perfect description of his mental condition before he lit that explosive. There's no debate over his condition now, after Andre achieved room temperature thanks to his own stupidity.

Status: Mission Accomplished
We're more than a tad amazed to report that another intellectual flat-liner achieved room temperature while trying to steal wire from an operating power station. Old enough to know better at a venerable 50, Greenville County (South Carolina) denizen John Blander sealed his fate when he latched onto a 7,200 volt line at a Duke Power substation. Obviously, there are a lot more dumb bastards out there than anyone dared to imagine.

Status: Any Minute Now
Dumber than a box of rocks is the nicest thing anybody might say about a dude who managed to set fire to a hospital room and force 100 patients to be evacuated. His antics ensued while he was a patient at Methodist Dallas Medical Center. The critical elements in this drama are a moron, a pack of cigarettes, and an oxygen mask. If you see where this one is headed, be a sport and don't spoil it for the rest of the PIGsters. That's right, stampeding stupidity fans, this bright bulb decided to light a cancer stick while he was wearing an oxygen mask. The instant Mister Flame hit that pure oxygen, WHOOSH, the bed burst into flames, destroying the room and "melting medical equipment". For obvious reasons, the proper authorities decided not to release this fool's name.

Human Gene Pool Improvement
Source: PIG News Wire [07/07/06]

Mexas - Contribution Accepted
Under the watchful eye of his 11 year old grandson, William Barnes achieved room temperature after a brief, but action-packed flight. Things started going wrong when, after taking off from a private airstrip, he landed a few miles away in a residential neighborhood. After a brief sojourn in the neighborhood, William decided to take off again, with lethal results. While taxiing, he clipped a stop sign. His antics reached critical mass when, shortly after take off, he nailed a power line. Seconds later, the plane did a header into a nearby yard and caught fire. That's where William Barnes made his belated contribution to human gene pool improvement. The lad is, we're pleased to report, in critical, but stable condition.

Authorities are scratching their heads trying to make some sense of William Barnes antics, without much success. I don't suppose a crude but effective "he was nuts" would seal the deal.

Ohio - Last Warning Administered
Some Buckeye State bright bulbs decided to make life especially thrilling by bundling 50 to 200 sparklers together, stuffing them into a brass cylinder then setting them off. The resulting explosion gave the 5 pinheads a painful, but far from fatal reality check. The ultimate irony here is that, most 'experts' consider sparklers "safe and sane". On the other hand, nobody who reads this epic would describe any of these fireworks fat heads as "safe and sane".

Pennsylvania - On Borrowed Time
Michael Stasenko reached for the brass ring of stampeding stupidity when he tried to build some fireworks in his Westmorland (Pennsylvania) basement. Everything was spiffy until he - we swear it's true - decided to drill a hole in a carbon dioxide cartridge. The ensuing explosion gave him a collapsed lung and caused internal bleeding. He'll be thrilled to hear he's in the hunt for moron of the week.

Delaware - Any Minute Now
A Magnolia (Delaware) dude demonstrated why boys - of all ages - should not be allowed to play with fire. He perpetrated his fire safety lesson by - believe it or not - firing up a BBQ grill by pouring a splash of gunpowder on the charcoal and lighting it. In a flash - literally - our pyromaniac incurred first degree burns on his face and managed to singe his hair. Demonstrating a wry sense of humor, investigators opined that adult beverages were involved in the accident. Well, duh is alive and well in The First State.

More Stupid (Alleged) Human Tricks
Source: PIG News Wire [07/07/06]

Riverhead (New York)
A Riverhead (New York) woman - Charmaine Stein - found out the hard way - that bank robbery requires functioning synapses. Her adventure in crime went as planned when she presented a note to a Chase Bank teller and made off with $22,000. Since the teller didn't raise an alarm, the cops later deduced that she was in on the gig. And how, you ask, did the cops track down Charmaine? The holdup note that she left behind was written on the back of a bulk mail ad that had her address on it.

New Zealand
A Kiwi woman became a lifelong believer in the "behind every dark cloud there's a silver lining" adage after her car was stolen. As intolerable as it was to find her 20 year old ride missing in action, its recovery a week later revealed several unanticipated bonuses. Before the car's unscheduled departure, driving the damn thing was a never-ending adventure. Getting it started on a cold day was a misery and every stop light forced her to "tickle the accelerator to keep it going". Now, thanks to some TLC by the car's temporary "owner", the car runs beautifully. Furthermore, the woman's ride was outfitted with a new battery, wheels, steering column and glove box. The only thing missing is a spiffy new paint job, but I seriously doubt that she plans to roll the grand theft auto dice, again, hoping for that.

Fair warning, these ride restoring car thieves were operating in New Zealand where things that go bump in the night are commonplace. It's highly unlikely that you'll get that lucky when some stateside miscreant boosts your ride. It's a shame these ride-restoring crooks don't operate in my area. The venerable Paganmobile could use this kind of missing in action TLC.

Manchester (England)
A Brit airline passenger named Jalani Ghulam wanted to be prepared for all contingencies, so he packed accordingly. We're not sure what he expected when he went to catch his flight at Manchester (England) Airport, but he was obviously expecting trouble. In addition to a stun gun, Jalani carried "five flick knives and six knuckle dusters (brass knuckles)" in his luggage. Somebody needs to tell Jalani that airline travel isn't as thrilling as it appeared in Bruce Willis' Die Hard II. Actually, a stun gun might come in handy these days, especially if you're riding one of those airlines that don't assign seats. The "Let's get ready to rumble" call to board is a dead giveaway.

Des Moines (Iowa)
A differently-sober Des Moines (Iowa) denizen, Matthew Payne, staged a one drunk demolition derby last Saturday night. For those keeping score, here are the highlights:

He warmed up by hitting a couple parked cars then bagged some mailboxes that were "just sitting there".
He rammed into an on-coming car leaving behind his bumper and license plate.
He drove around cars at a 4-way stop, ran the sign, then rear-ended another car.
He continued home, adding two more mailboxes to his road kill collection.
When he got home, he hit his own dog, then ended his driving adventure by crashing into his own home.

Our hero is looking at 4 hit-and-run raps plus a drunk driving charge. Book 'em, Dano.

Crosby (North Dakota)
Roger Backen made himself memorable to the proper authorities by getting nailed for being gunned to the gills while operating two different modes of transportation. First, while operating a single-engine private plane he veered off the airport runway and into a nearby field. Divide County Sheriff Lauren Throntveit determined that Roger was potted so she charged him for operating a plane within 8 hours of imbibing adult beverages. After securing his release with a $1,000 promise to appear bond, he returned to the airport, got into his truck and took off like a scalded dog when Officer Throntveit started after him. For that joy ride, Roger racked up two more charges: drunk driving and fleeing an officer. It cost him another $2,000 to get out of the slammer after that stunt. I don't know what taxis cost in Crosby, but it has to be less than $2,000 for a ride home.

At a youthful 60, Roger is, by any measure, old enough to know better. If you're planning to fly a plane or drive a vehicle, stay off the sauce, dude.

Sacramento (Mexifornia)
The heist started like gang-busters when the desperados hot-wired a forklift then used it to steal an automated teller machine. Things started to go wrong when the thieves got their purloined ATM home and tried to open it. Nothing they tried - a prybar, a blowtorch and a sledgehammer - seemed to crack the damn thing. They were still working on it when the cops arrived at their door. A quick search of the desperados' lair turned up the battered, but unopened ATM. And how, you ask, did the cops track down the crooks so quickly? The ATM came equipped with a GPS device, allowing the cops to track it down a mere 4 hours after the crooks boosted it from the Cal Expo exhibition grounds. Book 'em, Dano.

---

Stupid Human Tricks
Source: PIG News Wire [06/27/06]

Berkeley (Michigan)
Robert Miltzer was not a happy camper when some Parking Nazi ticketed his ride after Robert parked it overnight in front of a pal's abode. Robert explained his actions by pointing out that, on previous nights he obeyed signs prohibiting parking between 2am and 6am, but, on the night in question, the signs weren't there, so he assumed the rules had been changed. When his arguments fell on deaf ears, Robert added a little message to the $10 check with which he paid his parking fine: "BULL (expletive) MONEY GRAB".

Robert's message did not go unnoticed, so he's scheduled for another justice system encounter to answer charges of "contempt of court". When Robert appears in the black robe zone, he'll bring some shysters from the ACLU with him. They'll try to argue that his message - ill advised as it might be - is protected by the First Amendment.

Perth (Australia)
The fun started when a 24-year-old Aussie wench found her boyfriend's potato gun in a packing crate in her back yard. For reasons that made sense to her at the time, she looked down the barrel while she set the spud shooter on the ground. In the process, the gun fired, expelling a 'solid paper ball' from the barrel at high speed. The projectile hit her square in the face, sending her to a local hospital.

Since cops were unable to question the woman while she was being treated in the hospital, they rounded up the boyfriend and charged him with possessing a controlled weapon. Controlled weapon? A spud shooter? Who knew that Aussie cops had that much spare time on their hands?

Sydney (Australia)
Ask anybody about Sanjay Warrier and they'll sing his praises: respected surgeon, shy, religious, high ethical and moral character. All of that changed, after Sanjay attended a boys night out with some fellow doctors. He was, we're told, the last man standing, in a drinking bout. Far from finished, he continued his adult beverage infusion long after his pals went home. A rookie in the adult beverage game, Sanjay "lost" at least 6 hours. The following morning, alerted by a tip from a young woman, the cops found "shy, religious, high ethical and moral character" Sanjay stark naked, sitting on a mailbox, spanking his monkey (PIGish prose for masturbation).

That mid-December adventure led to a court trial this week during which a stone cold sober Sanjay pleaded guilty to "wilful and obscene exposure". The presiding judge, Magistrate Brian Maloney, cut Sanjay some slack and dismissed the charges, noting, quite reasonably, that convicting Sanjay would deprive patients of his stellar medical skills.

Borth (Wales)
David Williams is the cheapest alleged human on the planet and quite possibly the dumbest. His penny-pinching ways came to light when some Brit cops pulled over Davie boy's ride. Where to begin? To save money, Davie substituted vegetable oil for brake fluid. When the bumper on his Rover gave up the ghost, he replaced it with a rolled up carpet. In addition to brakes that don't work and no bumper, he had a bald tire, two broken door handles and no rear view mirror. Judge Nicholas Jones decreed that the "death trap" be confiscated, gave Davie a 6-month suspended jail sentence and banned him from driving for a year. When his year is up, Davie must retake his driving test.

Some Shark Infested Waters
Mother Nature seems to be developing a sense of humor. Prove it, you say? No problem. This PIG scribbler enters into the official record a close encounter that Fabien Cousteau - grandson of Jacques Cousteau - had with one of Mother Nature's more ornery critters. The fun ensued while Fabien was filming a "Shark: Mind of a Demon". Among other things this nature special features Fabien and his sister Celine using special "shark submarines" to swim with great white sharks. One purpose of the nature epic involved dispelling "the image of sharks as violent". That lofty goal flew out the min sub's window when one of the great white's went over to the dark side and attacked Fabien. If you're hoping to see a great white turn Fabien into shark chow, get over it. He's a tad shaken, but not stirred.

Gaza City (Palestine)
The fun never stops for the Palestinians who infest Gaza City. This week, the fun-loving Massud family managed to blow themselves up while frolicking with - we are not making this up - a live hand grenade. Eventually, the grenade fulfilled its prime function killing two and wounding seven others. Massaud must be A-rab for congenital moron. Learn something new every day.

Whitefish (Montana)
Two Whitefish (Montana) hormone gorillas were amusing themselves with a rousing rustic pastime called "blowing up mailboxes" when fate came calling. Their header into the venerable law of averages ensued while they were packing mailboxes with fireworks then watching the explosive fun. Reality reared its ugly head when shrapnel from a mailbox encased in a heavy stone masonry structure nailed a pinhead named Ian Reynolds. In addition to a nifty demonstration of certain physical laws, the explosion put Ian in critical condition with a broken femur, a shattered pelvis, and several severed arteries.

Criminal Stupidity
Source: PIG News Wire [06/23/06]

Suisan City, (Mexifornia)
Suisan City cops got more then they expected when they answered a call about an alarm sounding at an abode on Charles Way. A security screen door was locked, but the front door was partially open, so the cops did a quick check of the property and found a side door into the garage open. Entering the garage to do a security check they detected the strong aroma of pot, and found a treasure trove of pot growing gear: hydroponic equipment, grow lamps and reflectors. They also found assorted pot smoking paraphernalia. Further investigation uncovered a pot growing operation in a large structure in the backyard. Its pot growing credentials were validated by the fact that the electricity routed to it bypassed the domicile's electrical meter.

The property owner, Stephen Carr, insisted that he needed the gear to grow pot for his own personal use, but the cops weren't buying it for a second. Instead, they ran him in for possession and sale of marijuana.

Portsmouth (Ohio)
A Buckeye State punk's adventure started well enough when he boosted an SUV from the owner's driveway and drove off with it. His scheme hit a speed bump when the State Highway Patrol stopped him for a traffic violation in the wee hours of the morning. His car theft adventure careened off the highway to enrichment when the cops noted the personalized plate and recognized the stolen ride as one belonging to Common Pleas Court Judge Howard H. Harcha III.

When the dust settled, the lad accepted graybar accommodations for boosting not one, but two, of the judge's rides in the same night. Book 'em, Dano.

Morons, Miscreants and Human Gene Pool Volunteers
Source: PIG's Golden Oinks 2006 [06/22/06]

Human Gene Pool Volunteer of the Week: Armed with a pair of wire cutters, Samuel Ortiz-Valle decided to enrich himself by stealing what appeared to be copper wire that just seemed to be "sitting there" where anybody could take it. Okay, it wasn't exactly lying around ripe for the taking. It was perched atop a 50-foot utility pole. Samuel's reality check ensued when he grabbed the metal platform with one hand and one of the three high voltage wires with the other. It's safe to assume that our hero didn't even have time for "D'oh" before that high voltage validated his contribution to the human gene pool.

The proper authorities found Samuel's extra crispy contribution to human gene pool improvement 15 feet from the utility pole. File this epic under "ZAP!" in your human gene pool improvement archives.

Synaptic Malfunction of the Week: Shaun Jones' valiant contribution to human gene pool improvement began when the California Highway Patrol nailed him for speeding on I-80. In addition to rampaging through Mexifornia in his Cadillac Deville at a hefty 96 mph, Shaun was, CHP officers quickly deduced, drunk as a skunk. Taking no chances, the cops handcuffed Shaun, but Shaun wasn't willing to let them take him to the graybar without a fight. Instead of cooperating while the cops searched him, Shaun dashed out into the busy road where he immediately became a hood ornament for a Ford Expedition. A room temperature transition ensued before he stopped bouncing.

Subsequent inquiries into Shaun's background revealed that he had "an extensive criminal history". Full human gene pool improvement points are authorized, but it's up to you whether you want to credit Shaun with an "assist".

Capture of the Week: Redlands (Mexifornia) denizen, Katherine Bolter, strayed into PIG's award zone when a clown named Jesse Anthony Caron grabbed her purse and took off like a scalded mutt. Unwilling to tolerate that crap, Katherine kicked off her shoes and set off after Jesse. Her actions encouraged two carpenters to join the chase, allowing Katherine and her posse to chase Jesse down. On its face, this capture doesn't seem to qualify for awards honors. No argument but now it's time for our Paul Harvey Moment and the rest of the story.

Jesse Anthony Caron is more than your garden variety purse snatcher. His criminal antics in Lewiston (Maine) and assorted other places, earned him a slot on a February 4 episode of "America's Most Wanted". Purse snatching is just a hobby. Jesse's other criminal pursuits include - but are not limited to - burglary, assault, auto theft and various weapons related charges. The moral of this story is obvious: don't mess with Katherine Bolter, because she'll come after you.

Moron of the Week: An alleged human - of the male persuasion - is, based on the mounting evidence, the biggest moron on the planet. We know this because, according to the Wichita (Kansas) police, he made a daring bid for the Darwin Awards while playing with his girlfriend's .22 handgun. Wondering if it was loaded, the Einstein - we're not making this up - stuck his hand in front of the barrel then pulled the trigger. The loaded gun fulfilled his prime mission and blew a hole through this fool's hand. Trust me when I tell you that's stupidity on a mind-boggling scale.

Dimwitted Drug Donkey of the Week: Tucson cops got a lot more than they expected when they responded to a domestic disturbance call, Sunday morning. Their first clue hit them like a ton of bricks when the entered the quiet neighborhood. The ripe aroma of "raw marijuana" was inescapable. It was so strong they couldn't localize it so they brought in a drug sniffing mutt who, in addition to a bout of pot sniffer overload, tracked the smell down to a house owned by Jose Ortega Mendez. Inside of Jose, uh, Casa del Pot, they found 220 bales - weight is at least 2 tons - of pot. Book 'em, Dano transpired in record time. This just in: Experts puzzled by alarming increase in pot prices.

When your pot stash is so aromatic that they can smell it throughout your whole neighborhood, you might as well put a neon "arrest me, I'm a moron" sign on your roof.

Justice Jugheads of the Week: When two Canadian desperados kicked in his front door, Harvey Young grabbed his gun. Suitably alarmed, 50 year old Terry Eldred Curle and 37 year old Darren Norman Lindsay beat a hasty retreat. Still pumped up on adrenalin, Harvey Young gave them a parting gift by firing at the desperados getaway ride, slightly wounding the driver.

So far, it seems like business as usual, but this is Canada, not an outpost of reason, so strange things can, and do, happen. The two home invaders drove to Russell (Canada) and whined to the cops that Harvey Young assaulted them. Believe it or not, the RCMP punks arrested Harvey Young for attempted murder, plus 8 weapons-related charges. The home invaders are also facing charges, but it looks like Harvey Young will be the only one doing a long stretch in a Canadian graybar.

Special Human Gene Pool Improvement Award
Source: CBC News [06/15/06]

Dona Sanderson achieved room temperature thanks to a massive synaptic malfunction that prompted her to stuff a bag of cocaine into her yum-yum (PIGish prose for a woman's very private place). Apparently, the Saskatoon cops didn't search high and low before they stuffed her into a cell in the local graybar on drug charges. Thanks to the layout of the average female yum-yum, it provides easy access to the woman's blood stream. When the bag containing the cocaine leaked - or broke - it flooded her bloodstream with a massive overdose of the drug causing her heart to stop within minutes.

The usual suspects are trying to pin this on the cops, but that's a crock. They called for an ambulance and did what they could but at least one doctor opined that Dona's fate was sealed the instant that bag broke inside her. Will justice prevail or will this human gene pool improvement episode enrich Dona's lawsuit crazed family at the taxpayers expense? We don't know and don't care. Dona's contribution to human gene pool improvement is already logged on PIG's Darwinian de-selection score card.

Crime and Punishment
Source: PIG's Golden Oinks 2006 [06/15/06]

Crime Stopper of the Week - Youth Division: The 12 year old Brit lad's day went to crap when a mugger jumped him and tried to steal his cell phone. Unwilling to let the 5ft 10in desperado take his phone, the lad laid a haymaker on the mugger, reportedly breaking the scumbag's nose in the process. Suitably "enlightened" the mugger jumped into his car and took off. The cops give us these spiffy details: "The boy said he was bleeding and heard the man's nose crack, so there's a good chance he broke it." This mugger better hope that he eludes capture, because telling your cell mate that "a twelve year old schoolboy kicked my butt" could make him Bubba's bitch in a heartbeat.

Crime Stopper of the Week - Senior Citizen Division: A Big Apple mugger got all he could handle and then some when the tried to steal 86 years young Elisabeth Rubin's purse. Despite 5 strokes and the need for a walker, Elisabeth wasn't ready to surrender her handbag without a struggle. First, the punk hit her with a blunt object, then tried to wrestle her purse from her. Finally, after a prolonged tugging match, he got the purse but the fight was far from over. While the mugger rifled her bag, Elisabeth grabbed her umbrella and started smacking him with it. Eventually, the mugger decided that the purse's contents - a paltry $5 - wasn't worth the effort so he took off in search of easier pickings. Still annoyed, our feisty heroine blustered to reporters that she regretted not poking the mugger in the eye with the sharp end of her umbrella, then added this spiffy prose "I would say to the police, let me beat him up." Attention Big Apple desperados: don't mess with Elisabeth because she's armed, dangerous and highly motivated.

Crime Stopper of the Week - Canine Division: The biggest mistake a Salt Lake City (Utah) desperado named Nicholas Galantis made was deciding to take his mutt along when he got into a police chase. The fun started when the Cedar City cops approached this pinhead to ask him about some stolen property. Instead of hanging around for a chat, Nicholas led the cops on a merry chase down a winding, terminally bumpy road. Although the bumpy ride didn't deter Nicholas, getting slammed into the window majorly pissed off the mutt. Channeling the pit bull half of his genetics, the dog gave his owner a reality check that included taking a chomp out of Nicholas face and removing part of the scumbag's nose in the process. That's when Nicholas' moribund synapses fired, helping him choose the relative safety of the cops over his terminally pissed mutt.

Assorted Badge Packer Adventures
Source: PIG News Wire [06/12/06]

Chandler (Arizona)
Don't look for Toni and Aaron Carlson to get Parents of the Year honors any time soon. In addition to a laundry list of drug related charges - possessing pot, having drug paraphernalia, and possessing pot for sale - these proud parents are accused of "rewarding" their 11 and 12 year old sons' good behavior with a toke of - drum roll - pot. I seriously doubt that this is what the TFV crowd has in mind when they espouse traditional family values.

Medford (Massachusetts)
A Bay State desperado named Luke Caraccio started his night of crime by shattering the glass of a Friendly's eatery then intimidating the patrons with a handgun. We're not sure what, if anything, this clown "liberated" during his attempted heist, and it's not the reason we elevated to PIG-worthy news. After doing his desperado thing in Friendly's, Luke stole an unattended school bus and led the cops on a merry chase until some well-deployed speed sticks ended the festivities.

Luke is not a stranger to the proper authorities since he was out on probation for two open cases. His latest adventure in crime added the following charges to his rap sheet: larceny of a motor vehicle, receiving stolen property over $250, failure to stop for police, negligent operation of a motor vehicle, assault with a dangerous weapon and operating a motor vehicle with a suspended license. A Bay State judge made short work of Luke's probation and gave him graybar hotel accommodations for the next 60 days.

Indianapolis (Indiana)
A Hoosier desperado named Rodney Harper pulled off his bank heist without a hitch and even made a clean getaway. However, he made his capture a slam dunk by leaving behind his birth certificate, a check cashing card and a receipt from the phone company that showed he paid his bill. According to the police, Rodney was so busy being menacing, he didn't notice that he dropped this tattletale evidence. He didn't notice but an alert bank employee did and had the presence of mind to stand on it, so Rodney wouldn't see these "arrest me I'm a moron" breadcrumbs.

The escape got thrilling when a dye pack exploded prompting Rodney to drop the loot like a hot spud and scurry back home. That's where he was when the cops caught up with him. We predict that Rodney is destined to do some hard time since he's still on probation for a 1995 bank robbery. Book 'em, Dano is in play and so is "throw away the damn key".

Brass Nads Epic
Source: Fox News [06/11/06]

Dana Buckman must make a clanging sound whenever he walks around the cell block, but there's no need for alarm, it's just the noise made by his big, brass nads. We know about Dana's brass nads because of a lawsuit he just filed against AutoZone and two of its employees. Not PIG-worthy, you bellow? Not yet, but it gets better.

Dana's unpleasant AutoZone adventure started when he entered AutoZone's Rochester (NY) store, brandished a semiautomatic weapon and demanded all the cash. Unwilling to comply, the two aforementioned AutoZone employees gave Dana a long overdue reality check with a pipe then grabbed his gun and persuaded him to hang around. He got away, somehow, but the cops tracked him down a week later. As a result of his guilty plea, he's serving an 18 year graybar stretch as a repeat violent offender.

Undaunted by his own antics, Dana is suing the store and its crime stopping employees for "assault and battery and intentionally inflicting emotional distress". Poor baby. We wonder how "two AutoZone clerks majorly kicked my butt" will play with his graybar hotel homeboys.

Human Gene Pool Improvement Doubleheader
Source: PIG's Golden Oinks 2006 [06/08/06]

Supernaturalist Does Header into Reality
With all his synapses on strike, a Ruskie Cross Cultist borrowed a page - or two - from the Tome's Book of Daniel, with predictable results. Shouting that "God will save me, if he exists", this Ruskie pinhead lowered himself into the lion's enclosure at the Kiev zoo. Taking off his shoes - we don't remember this being a significant factor in Daniel's close lion's den encounter - our differently-rational hero made straight for the lions. That's when, tired of this fool's intrusion on her nap, a lioness roused herself, clubbed the fool off his feet then severed his carotid artery.

Gene Pool Improvement Twofer
Two 21 year olds went the extra mile in their quest to achieve room temperature this week when they hauled down a large (8 foot in diameter) promotional balloon and crawled inside. The 21 year olds - one a junior at University of South Florida - found out, the hard way, that humans are not equipped to survive in a helium environment. By now, someone in the hereafter informed the couple that helium, in sufficient quantities, can cause brain damage and, drum roll, death.

Don't forget to give yourself the extra points for "bagged them before they could breed" on your gene pool improvement scorecard.

Crime and Punishment
Source: PIG's Golden Oink's 2006 [06/08/06]

Clueless Criminal of the Week: Lending credence to the adage that "wisdom comes with age" a 17 year old demonstrated that functioning synapses are essential when you're contemplating a criminal caper. No doubt, in our young desperado's mind, the caper couldn't be simpler:

Talk a pal into helping you with the heist. Check.
Put on the masks. Check.
Enter a Wichita emporium named Dillons. Check.
Force way into cashier's cage and grab the money. Check.
Get recognized as a Dillon's employee by a co-worker. Check.
Get spotted escaping in your getaway ride. Check.
Show up for work an hour or two later. Check.
Drive to work in the car that was identified as the getaway ride. Check.
Go to jail, directly to jail. Check and double check.

It seems safe to assume that this pinhead isn't going to be Dillon's employee of the week.

Loser of the Week: This week's loser seems to be living the plot of a "Dumb and Dumber" script that was deemed too improbable to be true. The fun started when a Salt Lake City convenience store clerk caught this loser trying to boost some of the story's merchandise. In the ensuing struggle the clerk tore off the shoplifter's shirt. Our loser of the week hit the clerk in the stomach and pulled free. He then ran out of the store where he got hit by a pickup truck in the stop and rob's parking lot. Undaunted, our hero scrambled to his feet and ran into the street where he got nailed by a minivan. For the second time he scrambled to his feet, but his escape was delayed, permanently, when the cops made him an offer he couldn't refuse. The critical factoid that makes this story PIG-worthy is this: he got pounded by a store clerk and hit by two different cars for some - drum roll and trumpet fanfare - Pop-Tarts.

Sharpshooter of the Week: The fun got started when a 21 year old Great Northwest Nitwit decided to vent his pent up frustrations by shooting a gun in the air. By the time the Hoquiam (Washington) P.D. arrived our hero had Emrilized his plight by shooting himself in the, uh, groin. This pinhead nearly separated himself from dude's favorite toy when he shoved the 9mm handgun into his waistband. That's when the gun fulfilled it's prime function and came thisclose to separating the dude from his nads. Don't try this at home, right to keep and bear arms Sparky

To Err Is Human, But So Damn Much Fun
Source: PIG's Golden Oinks 2006 (06/08/06)

Dad Isn't Always Right
In and of itself, Glen Johnson's "if it was good enough for dad, it's good enough for me" mantra isn't fatally flawed. A grease monkey who thrills his neighbors by working on car transmissions in his yard, Glen goes the extra mile to clean his grease-laden clothes. In addition to the usual soap and water, Glen - we're not making this up - follows dad's example and pours a splash of gasoline into the washer to expunge the grease from his work clothes. That's right, gasoline. If you see where this is headed, don't spoil the surprise for the clueless.

This week, Glen's splash of gas in the washer made the weekly cleaning ritual unusually thrilling. Seconds after he added the splash of gas, Glen got the thrill of his life when, as if by magic, a fireball came up from the drain and blew Glen out of the laundry room. Singed around the edges - he got burns on his legs - Glen got it together enough to put out the inferno while an alert neighbor called 9-1-1. The breaking news here, isn't that Glen managed to blow up his washer and assorted other items with dad's gas in the washer trick. The real news is that Glen got away with this gas in the washer stunt for 25 years.

Matrimonial Bliss Hit's Speed Bump in Aspen
This week, on the eve of their nuptials, a Boulder (Colorado) couple - Ali Aghili and Marney Hurst - got an early start on marital discord. The pair got in each other's face so majorly that the cops were summoned to their temporary abode in Aspen's Little Nell Hotel. The fisticuffs started when Marney got into a screaming match with Ali's sister, a confrontation that prompted other hotel guests to dial 9-1-1. By the time the cops arrived, Ali joined in and traded punches with his intended bride. It took the cops an estimated 3 hours to sort things out. Big, big fun.

In addition to the bad feelings from the wedding eve brawl, the walk down the aisle hit a bigger speed bump, when, as a condition of granting bail, the judge ordered the couple to "stay away from each other". Happily ever after? Don't bet the farm on it.

Teenage Temptress - Domestic
Our nubile heroine's sexcapades started when she was 16 and became the personal playmate of a horndog named Brian Taylor, her basketbal coach at Pope John Paul II High School. Her consensual - egregiously ill advised - liaison with Brian lasted for two years, until, shortly before she was set to graduate, the temptress told an assistant coach about Brian's horndog antics. Thereafter, due to the assistant coach's actions, Brian's extracurricular activities with the temptress and two more teenage girls led to Brian's resignation in March 2006. Big, big, fun, but that's not why this wench landed on PIG's awards page.

The fun fact that lands this wench in the awards page bull's-eye is this: The assistant coach she turned to for assistance with horndog Brian "began dating [our temptress] after she graduated from high school" (Palm Beach Post). File this under "learn to say no, darlin" in your teenage temptress archives.

Teenage Temptress - International
While visiting Turin (Italy) for a competition, Danny decided to chill in a local night spot. Everything was spiffy until he spotted a rival competitor named Levon getting entirely too chummy with Arianne, a girl Danny was "seeing and e-mailing". Seeing a rival trying to horn in on his girl, differently-sober Danny went postal and started throwing punches at Levon. As fights go, it wasn't the stuff of legends but that's what you get when - drum roll - high ranking chess players try their hand at bar brawling.

For those who keep track of such things, Danny is 30-year-old Danny Gormally, a British chess grandmaster who is Britain's number 6 player. Levon is Armenia's Levon Aronian, the world's number 3 player. Last, but far from least, Arianne is 19 year old Australian chess champion, Arianne Caoili, a hottie known in some circles as "the Anna Kournikova of chess". She's the teenage temptress whose picture you keep ogling, wishful thinking Sparky. Obviously, Arianne is moving up the chess food chain from number 6 in Britain, to number 3 in the world.

Crime and Punishment
Source: PIG News Wire [06/01/06]

Chicago (Illinois)
The fun started when a Windy City meter maid named Jackie Fegan spotted a white minivan illegally parked and papered it with a ticket. Any semblance of business as usual evaporated when the minivan's driver spotted the ticket, went postal and chased her down. Robert Reid demanded that Jackie tear up the ticket because he's an Illinois cop. Unimpressed and not buying Reid's "yes it's my personal car and it's illegally parked but I'm on official business" crap for one minute, Jackie Fegan refused and walked away. Case closed? Not exactly. Robert Reid proceeded to arrest Jackie Fegan for jaywalking, handcuffed her and threw her in a paddy wagon. Thirty minutes later, a roughed up Jackie is kicked loose, and not charged with any crime. Being a 21st century American, she's lawyer shopping. Big, big fun.

Fort Worth (Mexas)
Thanks to those ever-ready security cameras, the cops were able to enjoy the entire drama. It started when a pinhead named Larry C. Bynum broke into a Fort Worth liquor store by prying open a ventilation hatch on the roof. He didn't come crashing into camera range until he fell through the ceiling tiles and lay on the floor in a daze for at least 5 minutes. Eventually, our hapless hero got it together and broke into the cash register. Since the cigarettes were just lying there, he also stocked up on some smokes. With all his loot safely stored, his alleged mind turned to his escape. That's when his feeble planning tripped him up.

'...First, the man attempted to climb a display rack with a make-shift ladder -- but fell. Next, the video showed him trying to break the store's Plexiglas door with a beer keg. Then he tried to use a dolly, first slamming it against the glass and trying to use it to pry the door open. An officer on patrol spotted the suspicious activity about 2:50 a.m...' (Star-Telegram)

With the cops on the scene and no way out of his self-made hell, our hero finally made a rational decision. He sat down on a beer keg, lit up a smoke and waited for the cops to come in and get him. We're pleased to report that book 'em Dano transpired shortly thereafter.

Human Gene Pool Improvement Twofer
Source: PIG's Golden Oinks 2006 [06/01/06]

Warning Shot I
Two boozed up Great Northwest Nitwits decided it would be more than a tad spiffy to use a campground's barbecue to set off some homemade explosives. It all went exactly the way they expected, up to a point. Light fuse. Check. Toss the damn thing in the barbecue. Check. Boom. No boom. Reach into the barbecue to see if fuse went out. Check. BOOM! Check. Each of the two nitwits loses a hand. Check and double check.

Warning Shot II
Get hammered with your hormone gorilla home boy. Check. Climb on the roof of the car. Check. "Car surf", try to stay on your feet while your drunk as a skunk buddy drives the damn thing. Check. Fall off the car while it's moving. Check. End up in the hospital with a concussion and major league road rash. Check. Being a dumbass is against their high school's policy so both get suspended? Check and double check. One final fact puts this epic in context, these two Einsteins are locked and loaded to graduate in June. In other words, if you live in North Carolina, be afraid, be very afraid.

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A Textbook Case of Desperado Bungling
Source: TC Palm (Florida) [05/31/06]

After stealing a getaway ride and stashing their own ride a safe distance from the First Bank of Indiantown, the two desperados put their bank heist plan into action. Shortly after the bank opened, one robber, James Monroe II, distracted a bank employee with a whopper about opening a new account. At the same time, his partner, Mychal Jamal Bluntson, initiated the heist by handing a teller the requisite note: "Give me the money or I'll blow the building up". So far, so good, but that's when their plan started to unravel.

After the teller handed over the loot and Bluntson departed, she hit the alarm, an action which caused the bank doors to lock automatically. The alarm caused Monroe's lonely synapse to fire, making him notice that his partner was long gone. Long gone, but he left a sizeable hint behind: Bluntson's holdup note was written on the back of his bank statement. While the cops shredded Monroe's "account opening" whopper - he wouldn't give them his home address and had no identification on him - other cops easily spotted Bluntson sprinting for his getaway ride, a few blocks away.

The crowning glory on this pathetic caper is this: They entered the bank at 9:07AM. The bank doors locked at 9:14AM. Monroe was in custody by 9:16AM and police bagged his partner at 9:23AM. That's stellar police work, PIGsters.

Gravity Still Works
Source: AP [05/29/06]

A 34 year old Mexifornia woman verified several natural laws, not to mention numerous PIGish tenets when she tempted fate by "base jumping" off the Perrine Bridge in Twin Falls (Idaho). For those who aren't up on these death-defying alleged sports, base jumping involves making a parachute jump from a stationary object like a tall building, a cliff, or in this case, a bridge. The unnamed jumper verified the venerable law of gravity when her chute failed to open and she did a death-dealing face plant into the Snake River, 486 feet below. The bad news is that she's dead. The good news, such as it is, is this: her valiant contribution to human gene pool improvement was recorded for posterity on multiple cameras wielded by her fellow jumpers.

Stupidity Is No Excuse
Source: PIG News Wire [05/27/06]

Syracuse (New York)
The three eager but clueless desperados were, as it turned out, their own worst enemy. The caper, such as it was, came off as well as expected when the trio smashed a convenience store window then went to grab some lottery tickets plus something called "Little Debbie Snack Cakes". The latter, ironically, proved to be their undoing because the hungry robbers started eating them during their daring escape. Leaving a trail of discarded snack food wrappers in their wake, the trio allowed the cops to trail them to their lair. Book 'em Dano ensued in record time.

Tacoma (Washington)
It was supposed to be a routine test of the Mount Rainier emergency warning system, but it got a lot more thrilling thanks to the Great Northwest Nitwits running the emergency radio station. Instead of airing the "this is a test of the emergency warning system" message, they sent out the real deal, telling those living near Mount Rainier that a lahar ('a massive volcanic-caused mudflow') was careening down the mountain's flanks and would in their laps, momentarily. This "scram or you'll be playing in an ocean-sized mud pie" had those purportedly in harm's way in a panic to get out, and alerting their friends, neighbors and relatives in the Mount Rainier area. Big, big fun.

Blackpool (England)
When they spotted the spectacular waves Mother Nature sent crashing against the shore, two Brit flatliners decided it would be more than a tad spiffy to pose thisclose to the water's edge. Boldly going where a rational adult might fear to tread, one dolt rushed down to pose for a picture on the steps in the sea wall holding back the wildly churning ocean. Mother Nature decided to reward this intellectual flat-liner with an especially big wave that swept him away to a watery grave. Proving that, in some cases, two brains are not better than one, the human gene pool improvement volunteer's homeboy dove into the water to rescue him. That fast, Mother Nature chalked up two more points on her human gene pool improvement scorecard.

Stupid Is As Stupid Does
Source: PIG News Wire [05/26/06]

The Bronx (New York)
The mugging started well enough when the teenage miscreant - 16 year old Scott Porter - beaned his victim with a bottle then punched the target of his assault in the face. There's just one pesky detail that the mugger didn't anticipate: his intended victim is an off duty cop. Things continued to unravel for our young desperado when the cop pulled his gun. Scott's dysfunctional synapse fired, making him try to wrestle the gun away from the cop, but the gun discharged, giving Scott a high caliber reality check in his hand. Big fun.

Scott fled, but he was apprehended when he went to a local hospital to get his hand treated. Book 'em, Dano ensued in short order.

Provo (Utah)
Dumb is the nicest thing we can call a Provo (Utah) dude named Julio Zambrana who broke into the Out-n-Back after hours, in the dark. Why dumb? This criminal mastermind forgot to bring a flashlight. But, fear not PIGsters, his lone synapse fired one last time and "inspired" our hero to resolve his illumination deficiency by - we are not making this up - trying to set his shirt on fire. While he struggled to get his "torch" burning, he set off the alarm summoning the cops who carted him off to the graybar. Book 'em, Dano.

Portsmouth (New Hampshire)
Until this week, 27 year old Vincent Marconi served as Stafford County's (New Hampshire) domestic violence prosecutor. The pertinent words here are "until this week", so, if you know what's coming don't spoil it for the merely mortal. This week, Vincent's cushy taxpayer funded gravy train careened off the rails when he was busted for - drum roll and trumpet fanfare - domestic violence. His career ending antics transpired during an argument with his girlfriend, when Vincent used his ladylove for a punching bag. Reading the handwriting on the proverbial wall, Vincent jumped off the government payroll by resigning. Don't let the jail door hit you on the way out, dude.

Hollywood (Florida)
The incident started in the wee hours on a Saturday morning when a scumbag named Keil Jumper tried to kick in the front door of a family's abode. The large family inside was, quite understandably, terrified, but a cool-headed teenage lad saved the day. While the house breaker smashed a window to gain entry to the family home, our cool as a cucumber young hero loaded dad's gun and waited for Keil to show his face. The minute Keil entered the home, the young hero gave Keil a high caliber reality check shooting the rat bastard "several times".

Keil stumbled out of the house, but he didn't get far, because the cops found him bleeding like the rat bastard he is, between two nearby houses. Tragically, the cops decided to get this fool medical treatment instead of letting nature take its course. Despite the justice system's unsavory impulse to save Keil from a well deserved fate, PIG News is pleased to report that the young sharpshooter isn't being painted with a justice system bull's-eye. With that firmly in our minds, we're willing to declare this - with minor reservations - a happy ending.

Stupidity Foreign and Domestic
Source: PIG News Wire [05/18/06]

Lanarkshire (Scotland)
While substantiating several fundamental scientific principles, a Scottish hormone gorilla, 14-year-old David Whyte, demonstrated for his goggle-eyed friends that, under optimum conditions, the human body is a thrillingly-efficient conductor of electricity. His experiment started off with a "bang", literally - two bangs, according to his pals - when the telephone cable he was dangling over a footbridge made contact with the 25,000 volt railway power cables beneath the bridge. In the blink of an eye, our young scientist was catapulted at least 15 feet into the air, but the fun was just getting started. Alive, technically, thanks to his rubber-soled sneakers, David was, to put it bluntly, a sight:

"He was in a really bad way when I saw him. His face was black, half his hair had gone, he had no eyebrows or eyelashes and was shaking terribly. We've been told he's got 40 per cent burns on his body." (Gerald Whyte, David's father)

David gets bonus points for surviving a close encounter with 25,000 volts. Since David is, at 14, too green to perpetuate his synaptically-challenged genes and there's still a possibility that he might breed some day, we can only give him half credit for gene pool improvement. David should be thrilled to hear that a 15 foot in the air backward vault probably sets a new Scottish record for height and distance.

Gateshead (U.K.)
The salient fact in this epic is this: the time to travel from the hospital to the scene of the car crash is, at most, 10 minutes. But, thanks to the terrors of modern satnav technology, it took the ambulance 32 minutes to get there and 40 minutes to make the return trip. The patient, 10 year old Chloe, started to panic when the trip went on, endlessly. Chloe's mother was much more vocal about the irrational route taken by the driver. For his part, the driver was apologetic, but kept insisting that his rules of engagement mandated that he had to follow the automated system's directions. Making this matter perfectly screwed, the local ambulance crews were otherwise occupied, so an ambulance from another area was dispatched. Since the driver was in unfamiliar territory, he was at the system's mercy. In this instance, since Chloe's mom knew more about the area than the system or the driver, somebody should have shut off the damn satnav and followed mom's lead. File this under "the death of common sense" in your PIG News archives.

Pasadena (Mexas)
It's accurate to report that Sean Eckman, a 29 year old English teacher at South Houston High School, is dumber than a box of rocks. We know this because, very recently, he marched into the school principal's office and asked the slack-jawed Educrat an amazing question:

"He asked for permission to take [a 17-year-old female student] to the prom. He said he was a family friend and that the parents had agreed that it would be OK," (Kirk Lewis, superintendent of Pasadena Independent School district)

School officials didn't need two-by-four between the eyes to tell them that Sean was getting horizontal and squishy with this teenage dolly. That might explain why school officials wasted no time in putting this fool on administrative leave and launching an investigation. As a result, Sean is out of a job (he resigned, which must mean they can't fire him) and making new, uh, friends in the local graybar.

Fontana (Mexifornia)
We're up to speed, more or less, when it comes to the exotic pets people keep, but this story takes "exotic pet" to a whole new level. This story still rates an unequivocal "what the hell?", despite the fact that it happened in Southern Mexifornia where the differently-rational is called "a lifestyle choice". "Lifestyle choice" and "exotic pet" cover a multitude of strange compulsions, but they don't begin to explain why a construction worker named Juan Gonzalez decided to keep a "full grown bull" as a pet, in his back yard. As twisted as this saga is, it gets better.

Apparently, Juan and this large male bovine had unresolved, uh, issues. We're not sure how Juan tried to resolve these pesky issues with this large, cranky bovine. We can report that the exchange of views was, at best, badly timed. For reasons he won't discuss, this large male bovine resolved all those pesky issues by head-butting Juan into the hereafter then trampling him just for the hell of it. Satisfied with a job well done, the bovine went back to doing whatever backyard bovines do to pass the time.

During the brief, action packed, interval between the head-butting and his contribution to human gene pool improvement, Juan did regain consciousness. We're not told what his parting words were, but we seriously doubt that they're as eloquent as Homer's all purpose "D'Oh". Juan's contribution to human gene pool improvement is greatly appreciated, but, alas, a tad late since this exotic pet afficionado has spawned 5 offspring.

Massapequa (New York)
Armed with a fake gun the desperado entered the Roslyn Savings Bank and demanded cash from a bank employee. The teller stuffed an undisclosed quantity of cash into a bag and handed it to the desperado. So far, so good, but the getaway was not exactly smooth sailing.

The escape hit its first speed bump when the robber tripped over a sign in the bank, fell and dropped some of the loot on the floor. Eager to leave, this differently-coordinated dolt dropped the gun then spilled more loot on the way out the door. Fumble fingers dropped addition loot in the parking lot, spreading his "take" like breadcrumbs along his escape route. The proper authorities found $2,600 (most of the undisclosed take) along the escape route. As the final indignity they added the following prose to the desperado's description: "has two left feet". Truer words, PIGsters...Truer words.

Manchester (England)
After swilling down an undisclosed quantity of adult beverage, 22-year -old Anthony O'Neill surrendered to an irresistible impulse. His header into abject stupidity started when he spotted a the southern end of a northbound female who was bending over to pick up something. With his one functional synapse addled by alcohol, Anthony reached out and patted the fetching boom-boom that seemed to be begging for his attention. We're not sure what he expected to happen, but Tony was shocked when the target of his "affection" - an off duty police wench - arrested him on the spot.

Anthony's travails got worse when the Magistrate convicted him of "sexual assault" for his butt patting and ordered that Anthony's name be added to the nation's convicted sex offenders list. If that doesn't put Anthony's life into the crapper, nothing will. How the hell do the Brits expect the sex offenders register to mean anything if they equate butt patting with rape, sexual assault and child molesting?

PIG's International Correspondent Andrew nails it with these well-chosen words:

More valuable police and court time wasted on the inability of a police officer and public servant to discriminate between a genuine crime and an activity which she found personally insulting. Another example of the severity of the sentence reflecting the perceived hurt to the 'victim' rather than an objective exercise in justice based on the severity of the crime.

Look up "overkill" in your Oxford Dictionary and you'll probably find Manchester-based District Judge Paul Richardson's mug shot.

Wilmington (North Carolina)
The fun started when a woman decided to cook some french fries "on the stove". Our heroine Emerilized - kicked it up several notches - her culinary pursuits by taking a shower while the french fries were cooking. If you see where this is headed, don't spoil the fun for the clueless. The unattended food ignited a fire that might have destroyed the entire apartment complex, but the fire department's quick response limited the damage to our Tar Heel State Betty Crocker's abode. We can't be the only ones who think this puts a whole new spin on the venerable term "Southern Fried".

Flatliner Follies
Source: PIG News Wire [05/12/06]

Ogden Dunes (Indiana)
Fresh from a stint in a Windy City graybar, John McKenzie decided to celebrate by getting drunk during his ride home on the train. Unwilling to go through the usual adult beverage procurement channels, John swiped a beer from another passenger. When the passenger kicked up a ruckus, heated words were exchanged, prompting the local authorities to come and short things out. Far from finished with his celebratory antics, John "made repeated death threats to the officers". You don't need Nostradamus to predict that another graybar guest stint ensued.

There's one additional fact that puts John's antics in their proper perspective: his wife and three children were traveling with John while he did what comes so naturally. Nice move, moron.

Chicago (Illinois)
According to Sean Murray, he was overcome by a burst of company pride when he tried to "clean up the company workplace" by fishing a sweatshirt off some power lines. If you see where this one is headed, don't spoil it for those who are slower on the uptake. Sean's lone functional synapse chose that moment to take a break, so Sean decided to fish the shirt off the power lines with - drum roll - a metal pole. After a few practice swings at the shirt, he gave it another go and connected, with the power lines. Before you could say "Bzzzt", Sean gets knocked off his feet and his clothes catch fire. Ironically, Mother Nature chose to spare this fool, but left him with a painful reminder - burns over 25% of his body.

Sean gets bonus points for suing his company when it didn't cover his injuries under it's workman's comp coverage. He get's a rare double bonus for picking a shyster who used the phrase "unusual thinking pattern" to describe Sean's antics. He misses the brass ring, because the courts didn't buy his B.S.,and shot down his attempts at enrichment. Sean needs to adopt a glass half full attitude because, in addition to dodging a richly-deserved room temperature transition, his differently-rational antics are now immortalized in PIG.

Bristol Township (Pennsylvania)
A Keystone State desperado named Mario Caracoza had it all going his way, when he knocked over a Bank of America branch on a Monday morning. But, his plan hit a speed bump when he interrupted his daring getaway to bag some pancakes at the Sunrise Diner. At a time when he should be doing his utmost to blend into the background, Mario took center stage when he ordered some pancakes off the kiddie menu. He made himself especially memorable when he demanded a few extra pancakes at that same low, low kiddie menu price.

He was just arranging for his waitress to call a cab for him when the long arm of the law caught up with Mario. Before he could wolf down those yummy flapjacks, the cops arrived to handcuff our hero - a citizen saw him leave the bank and head for the diner across the street - and cart him off to the local graybar. Book 'em, Dano.

Crime and Punishment
Source: PIG News Wire [05/05/06]

Westminster (Colorado)
Fourteen-year-old Brittney Richardson's evening started going to crap while she was walking home from the grocery store. A pervert slipped out of the darkness and grabbed her from behind, but Brittney had a nasty surprise ready for him. Summoning her hard-earned karate skills, brown belt Brittney turned and in her own words "I hit him. I just knocked this guy out." Beating a hasty retreat, Brittney left the flattened pervert alone to consider the errors of his ways.

PIG salutes Brittney for keeping her cool...for using her karate skills so spectacularly. But most of all, we salute her for seriously kicking a pervert's butt.

Paris (Mexas)
Bryce Chambers was in a Paris, Mexas money emporium - the People's Bank - when a robber strolled in and demanded money from the teller. Slipping out a side door, Bryce waited for the robber, then got on his bicycle and followed the desperado to his getaway ride. After the desperado took off, Bryce gave chase until the getaway ride got away from him.

Thanks to Bryce's heroics and his detailed description of the robber plus the getaway ride, the cops were hot on Michael Paul Hammonds' trail in a heartbeat, allowing them to track him down a few hours later. Bryce earns PIGish kudos for daring to get involved...for assisting the cops so expertly. Thanks to him, a bank robbing clown is off the streets.

Kansasville (Wisconsin)
The caper seemed so simple that even a drugged out loser like Billy W. Babe couldn't screw it up. The plan was the picture of simplicity: stroll into a local stop and rob called the "Open Pantry", ask for a pack of smokes, then, when he got to the cash register, demand that the clerk hand over all the money. What could possibly wrong with that? Several things. For starters if you're not sufficiently menacing, it always helps to suggest or demonstrate that you're armed and dangerous.

The following exchange demonstrates what happens when you're not cutting it in the menacing department:

Billy: "You're being robbed"
Clerk: "Could you please repeat that."
Billy: "I want the cash."
Clerk: "I want a raise."

This stimulating exchange continued unabated, until the clerk determined that Billy didn't plan to pay for the smokes. That's when the clerk headed for the phone to call the cops. By the time she returned to resume her amazing chat with Billy, he was gone. Unwilling to be humiliated again, Billy tried his luck by breaking into a closed Citgo station. Thanks to the clerk's report plus a tape of Billy's antics at the Citgo station, the local authorities made Billy an offer he decided not to refuse. With a 24 year stretch in stir hanging over him, Billy will have plenty of time to analyze his "Open Pantry" encounter and figure out where his caper careened off the rails. Jail 'em, Dano.

Orem (Utah)
With nothing better to do, Gregory Sonnenberg and his brother James decided to amuse themselves by driving down some quiet residential Orem streets and blow out car windows with their 20-gauge shotgun. They put their plan into action on Carterville Road, during the wee hours by using at least three cars plus a streetlight for target practice. Big, big fun, but it's not PIG-worthy news, yet.

The fun strayed into the PIG News zone when an Orem cop, opined: "You know these guys have done this in a hurry and a dollar will get you a bag of donuts these guys will be back." The cops hunkered down, and sure enough, within a half hour the Sonnenberg stone heads returned to the scene of the crime. The minute these joy riding clowns used their high beams to illuminate their handiwork, the Orem cops bagged them. A search of the punks' ride produced the shotgun, shells, plus a checkbook that they'd stolen during a robbery earlier in the evening. The brothers are now facing a laundry list of charges: vandalism, discharging a weapon from a vehicle, resisting arrest, plus assorted other goodies to be added any second now. We're more than a tad shocked that stampeding stupidity isn't a felony in Utah.

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Adventures In Stampeding Stupidity
Source: PIG News Wire [04/28/06]

Oregon
All the usual News Nitwit suspects are twittering about an Oregon dude who shot himself in the head 12 times, with a nail gun and survived. Target shooters will be tickled to learn that this nail gun wrangler had a nice, 6-nail cluster between his right eye and ear, another four nail cluster on the left side of his head and two errant nails below his right ear. His antics - and his survival - are explained by one addition fact: he's a meth addict. This isn't that big a deal. Since he only had one functional synapse, the odds of hitting the damn thing were, to say the least, daunting.

Michigan
During a raid on a Michigan domicile, some of Muskegon's men in blue got into an odd shooting incident. The fun started when cops entered the home simultaneously, using the front and rear doors. When they ran into each other in the middle, one officer was startled to see someone with a gun coming at him. He fired and missed, at which time his brother officer returned the fire and also missed. Muskegon's police chief assures citizens that actions have been taken against the officers but won't give specifics. He's probably torn between rewarding them or punishing them for being such lousy shots.

England
The doorman lurking outside a Brit adult beverage emporium called "The Cross Keys" refused to let a woman enter, claiming that her artificial arm constituted a dangerous "weapon. Understandably upset, the woman left without a fuss. It's safe to assume that the doorpunk's one functional synapse has gone into early retirement.

Wisconsin
A Milwaukee desperado demonstrated, conclusively, that he's in the wrong line of work when he entered the Uihlein Soccer Park with larceny on his agenda. First, he tried to rob a woman in an office, but she didn't have any money on her. Next, he tried to mug a dude for his wallet, but the dude was tapped out, leaving the desperado 0 for 2. The desperado's ineptitude reached critical mass when he got lost in the sports complex and couldn't find his way out. That gave some rational adults in the place time to determine that the gun the desperado kept brandishing was a fake. With that pesky issue resolved, they grabbed the dude and waiting for the cops to arrive. Book 'em, Dano.

Alabama
Two NASCAR fans Emerilized the "Fried" in Southern-Fried when they managed to electrocute themselves while erecting a flagpole at their Talladega Superspeedway campsite. Putting the pole up wasn't a problem until a wind gust started to topple their flagpole. Since they were still holding it when the metal pole made contact with nearby power lines, their transition to room temperature was a simple as "Zzzzt", extra crispy.

Mexifornia
When an employee arrived for work at her Baldwin Park (Mexifornia) Bank of the West workplace she was waylaid by an armed desperado. After she got inside the bank, she told the desperado that she needed to deactivate the alarm. He agreed, so she did just the opposite, by triggering it to notify the cops that there was a robbery in progress. Her quick thinking continued when the desperado ordered her to open the vault. Instead of complying, she informed him that it required a second bank employee who would be arriving shortly. As fun as this is, it gets better.

While she stood by the window "watching for the second employee" to arrive, she noticed that the cops had arrived. Before she could make her next move, the bank robber ordered her to go outside and "look around and act as thought everything was normal". She went outside as ordered, but had the presence of mind to lock the desperado inside the bank. From there, the cops took over and quickly resolved the issue by giving the fool inside the bank civic accommodations. Book 'em Dano.

North Carolina
[PIG News decided to run this Anthony Scott report, as submitted.]

This news tidbit comes from Cary, North Carolina, where two dim-witted brothers tried to rob the Cary Fire department. The most obvious clue came from a visibly broken lock on a trailer, 76 broken car windows, and a trail of blood leading from the firehouse, across the road, and to a dive hotel a little below Motel 6. When confronted with the evidence, and the inability to explain why these two had some Cary FD jackets in their closet and why one of the brothers has a fresh cut.

Yes, you guessed it, this duo of criminality, these desperadoes of dual foolishness were brothers. The older one probably told the younger one that the job was gonna be "no sweat, just follow me"..this once, the little brother probably should have said nunh-hunh, nothin' doin. The older brother is now being accommodated in the Wake County grey bar without bond while his kid brother is out.

Germany
This epic stars a German cop who took drastic measures to erase the red ink from his personal balance sheet. Like others in his situation, he decided to moonlight, but he left the beaten path when he decided on "bank robber" as a second career. As familiar as he is with this crime, he didn't pay enough attention to those pesky details that always trip up rookie desperados. For example, the getaway ride is, routinely, a stumbling block. In our hero's case, he decided to use his girlfriend's ride. For the devilish, how did it turn out, details, we'll share this prose from a Reuters story:

'...By using his girlfriend's car, he "might as well have left his business card, it was really stupid," said Horst Roos, spokesman for state prosecutors in the western city of Trier. Police quickly discovered the boyfriend of the car's owner was on the Trier police force, and recognised their colleague's likeness in video footage of the masked robber...'

When the amateur desperado learned he was under suspicion, he unraveled like a cheap suit and confessed his guilt. His money worries are likely to resolve themselves while he languishes in a German graybar for the next 5 years. Book 'em, Horst.

Ohio
When it comes to a life of crime, the success of a given caper is determined by the amount of planning the desperados put into it. A Cincinnati couple - Richard and Stephanie North - discovered that the usual way when they boosted a 55-inch flat screen boob tube from an appliance store. Their problem revealed itself when they tried to fit their ill-gotten gains into the rear seat of their Mercury Sable. The damn thing didn't fit, so they were forced to drive home with the boob tube hanging out of an opened rear door. What could possible go wrong? Everything, if, as it turned out, their getaway jaunt to their digs was spotted by an alert cop. File this epic under, "stupidity is its own reward" in your true crime archives.

Intellectual Flat-Liners In the News
Source: PIG News Wire [04/21/06]

Doncaster Royal Infirmary (England)
A Brit being treated for a skin condition set himself on fire when he lit up a cancer stick while coated with a flammable gel. When he tried to light his cigarette, the gel used to treat his skin condition did what a flammable substance is supposed to do when exposed to a flame. Faster than you can say "char me", our hero turned lethally extra crispy. Is this what they mean by spontaneous human combustion? Probably not, but it runs a very close second. Since this flaming idiot was a mere 60 years young when he cooked his own goose, he's only worth a half point on your gene pool improvement scorecard. As disappointing as that must be for his family, they might find solace in the fact that the dearly departed is a slam dunk for this years Darwin Awards finals.

Chattanooga (Tennessee)
Wal-Mart shot itself in the foot when it perpetrated some synaptically-dysfunctional hiring. The employee in question is named Cynthia Fraley, and her antics include stealing $2,900 in Wal-Mart goods then giving them to dear old dad who returned them for a cash refund. As bad as that sounds, there's one more fact that qualifies this epic for our intellectual flat-liner news roundup: in 2001, Cynthia Fraley was ordered to stay away from Wal-Mart after she got caught - drum roll please - shoplifting.

Bray (Oklahoma)
Michael Theleman knows what he wants and isn't afraid to let the world know about it. Determined to find a suitable bride, he posted his minimum, non-negotiable, requirements on a sign he put up in his front yard. What Michael wants, and intends to find, is a woman like his grandmother, a woman who married an older dude when she was a frisky 14 years old. In his own, thrilling words, Michael proclaimes that "he is willing to pay $1,000 for a virgin bride between 12 and 24".

It probably won't shock our PIGster audience to learn that, so far, Michael hasn't been flooded with offers. On the other hand, at least one neighbor has seen fit to call this cradle robber a "pedophile".

Update:
Due to the ensuing - and well deserved - derision, Michael has posted a new sign, one that deletes the ages, but adds a new requirement that automatically rejects "pig-worshiping, heathen, white supremacist" candidates. We feel Michael's pain, but are a tad annoyed because we have an understandable fondness for certain PIGs.

Raleigh (North Carolina)
[PIG's North Carolina correspondent, Anthony Scott files this report about a death row dwelling scumbag who caught a break when the state's high court overturned his conviction.]

A former death row inmate is back in the Big House on drug and sex charges. This loser was released from death row after it was discovered that the good guys had hidden evidence and what does he go and do? Why, get into trouble of course. I think it is best to let the words of a local fishwrap article speak for itself:

"Alan Gell, 31, was arrested Wednesday by State Bureau of Investigation agents. He was charged with 14 counts of statutory rape, 14 counts of indecent liberties with a minor, two counts of statutory sex offense, sexual exploitation of a minor and felony possession of cocaine, according to the bureau. His bond has been set at $322,000."

Talk about wasting a get out of death row free card. Guards heard saying "Welcome back, we have your old cell ready for you. Remember, breakfast @ 6!"

Stupidity Is Its Own Reward
Source: PIG News Wire [04/09/06]

Los Angeles (Mexifornia)
When three armed and dangerous gang bangers spotted an SUV that (allegedly) belonged to a rival gang, they deployed themselves to stage an ambush. Two gang punks hunkered down on one side of the street, while the third took up a position on the opposite side of the street. When the SUV in question passed by them a second time, the trio greeted it with a fusillade of gunfire. They may or may not have managed to hit the SUV, but one gang punk managed to shoot and kill his home boy with a few errant rounds. PIG is pleased to report that all three gun packing gang scumbags are off the street. One is in the morgue and the other two are cooling their heels in a local graybar hotel. Book 'em, Dano.

Gillette (Wyoming)
An Equality State hormone gorilla managed to set himself on fire while - we're not making this up - siphoning gas from a fireman's ride. The frivolity ensued after this Einstein spilled gas on his pants. That's the moment his one functional synapse went on strike, prompting him to strike a match to see how wet his pants were. The flame did what it usually does when it comes in contact with gas and the rest, as the saying goes, is history.

This intellectually-challenged dolt is resting, uncomfortably, in a local hospital's burn unit with second and third degree burns on his legs.

Don't Mess With Courtney
Source: San Antonio Express-News [04/08/06]

Courtney Mann got the ultimate rude awakening while she was dozing on her livingroom sofa in the wee hours of the morning. She spotted the intruder by the light of the television set and realized it was the same cretin who had been loitering around her home for at least a week. She remembered him as the dude who had mouthed off to her while she raked leaves in a fetching bikini. She'd later spotted him examining her front door and peeking in her kitchen window.

Her worse fears were realized when, after ransacking her bedroom, he fetched a knife from the kitchen. When he approached her and tried to touch her, Courtney screamed, jumped up, and tried to get to the front door. After the intruder stopped her from getting to her front door, Courtney pummeled him with her fists. She escalated her response after he pushed her aside and headed for the front door. Determined to show her uninvited guest the error of his ways, Courtney picked up a baseball bat and hit a four-bagger with a vicious blow to the back of his head. The blow did the trick, sending him flying face-first into a flower pot, after which he staggered away.

The cops tracked Courtney's uninvited visitor in a nearby storage shed. Identifying him was simple since he was still bleeding from the reality check our plucky heroine laid on him. Juan Caballeror, an ex-con with at least one conviction for sexual assault on his record, will have ample time to recover from his wounds in a Mexas graybar hotel.

Stupidity - Criminal and Garden Variety - On Parade
Source: PIG News Wire [04/07/06]

Bellvue (Kentucky)
After knocking over a Bellvue (Kentucky) bank, Frankie Morrison thought he'd made a clean getaway, and he almost did. Then, while he was dashing from the scene of the his crime, Frankie dropped "a wad of money...large enough to choke a mule". His fumble fingered antics drew the attention of a dude named Kevin NiBlack. Kevin flagged down the cops, told them about the money and put the men in blue on Frankie's trail. Book 'em, Dano ensued in short order.

Tampa (Florida)
While tooling around in his ride, a Florida hormone gorilla - a 19-year old named David Vanfossen - found the nubile charms of a female jogger irresistibly fetching. Surrendering to an irrational urge, he reached out of his car window and groped the jogger's ripe boom-boom. That's when his one functional synapse fired and told him to get the hell out of there, stat. He took off like a scalded dog, but not quite fast enough, because the jogger got his license number.

Grim reality turned David's day to crap when the jogger, an off duty Hillsborough County Sheriff's deputy, turned her co-workers lose on David. David will have ample time to control his impulses while he faces charges of "lewd and lascivious behavior, reckless driving, culpable negligence and misdemeanor battery" (Local 6).

Ventura (Mexifornia)
A teacher at the Ventura Adult Education Center, Robert Colla, gave his goggle-eyed students a lesson in explosives storage this week. The demonstration started when Robert spotted a bug crawling on his desk. Reaching for the proverbial blunt instrument to dispatch the critter, Robert applied the relevant force. In his zeal to exterminate the creepy crawler, Robert nailed his favorite paperweight - an unexploded, but still alive and ticking - 40mm round. Roused from his long slumber, the explosive, belatedly, fulfilled its prime function, severing Robert's right hand, making him extra crispy in several places, while showering our hero with shrapnel.

Unharmed by the explosion, Robert's students learned several priceless lessons. First and foremost, they learned that Robert is a blithering idiot. Equally important, they learned that it's never a spiffy idea to use a live 40mm round as a paperweight. File this one under "we'll get him next time" in your human gene pool improvement archives.

Huntersville (North Carolina)
The heist came off as planned when the desperados broke into a Huntesville middle school and loaded their getaway ride with audio-visual gear. The caper careened off the rails the moment they ran out of gas after putting 10 miles between themselves and the scene of the crime. Tapped out - why else would they be boosting school gear - they aroused unwanted attention by going from door to door begging for gas money. Smelling a rat, one of the civilians the desperados contacted called the cops and what Fark calls "jailarity" ensued. Book these fools, Billy-Bob.

Crime Stopper of the Week
Source: The Daily Herald (Everett, Washington) [04/06/06]

A Marysville (Washington) dude came thisclose to being a street crime victim, but his cool headed response under duress saved the day. The incident started when our hero, John, and his wife were emerging from the All City Credit Union. A stranger approached and asked if they had a ride in the parking lot, when John pointed out his van, the incident got dangerous in a heartbeat.

The desperado demanded John's keys, threatening to kill John if he refused. John moved his wife out of the way then challenged the desperado to "give it a shot". The man swung at John but missed. John responded with a flurry of punches that flattened the desperado. He kept on punching until some bystanders called him off. That's when this crime stopping epic strayed into the Twilight Zone:

'...[John] was floored when the man reached out to shake his hand. "He said he hadn't had his (expletive) kicked that good in a while," John said. John ordered the man to sit down and wait for police. The suspect bolted. He was arrested a short time later and booked into the Snohomish County Jail for investigation of first-degree robbery...' (Daily Herald)

While the desperado cools his heels in the local graybar hotel, John is nursing his wounds. What wounds? Beating the snot out of the desperado scraped and bruised John's knuckles. Call us names if you must, but we like John's style.

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The Fast Food Fusillade
Source: PIG News Wire [03/29/06]

Two Indianapolis pinheads - Eugene Dobbins, 21, and Jeffrey Ware, 19 - were visiting Lawrence (Indiana) when they got a craving for some fast food. Spotting a 24 hour McDonald's they pulled into the drive through lane and placed their order. Impatient to a fault, these bright bulbs went postal when the line didn't move fast enough. We're not sure where they needed to be at 1:30am, but it must have been a priority appointment, because one or both of them pulled out a gun and started shooting the damn thing(s) in the air. From there, things got spiffy in a heartbeat.

A McDonald's employee called 911and reported the fusillade. Utterly clueless, the punks stayed in line waiting for their food. When it arrived, it came with some unusual extras: a visit with the cops and an invitation to try out the local graybar hotel. The list of charges is impressive: criminal recklessness, carrying a gun without a permit, drug possession, and drug dealing. They get bonus points from the Lawrence P.D. for being the dumbest pair of pinheads who ever guested in the graybar. Book 'em, Hoosier Dano.

True Crime Epics
Source: PIG News Wire [03/23/06]

Terrors of Technology Trips Up Thief
The crime seemed to be a perfect one, as far as the desperado, Jose Perez-Garcia, could tell. He intercepted a truck carrying a $4.8 million dollar load of Motorola cell phones at the Voss Truck Port, and made a clean getaway. Two hours later Jose was enjoying civic accommodations after the cops tracked him down and bagged him in Eminence, Missouri. How, you ask, did they bag this thief so quickly? The truck was fitted with a tracking device that told the authorities Jose's exact location. Book 'em, Dano, and while you're at it, check this clown's immigration status.

Timing is Everything
While attempting to serve some papers in Wilson County (North Carolina), a Sheriff's Deputy, Cpl. Greg Hogue, moved fast when he heard some gunshots. Whirling to look toward the road, he spotted Peter Mowell leaning out of his ride to blaze away at a speed limit sign. Cpl. Hogue went after this pinhead and put a quick end to his antics. After stopping Pete, Cpl. Hogue found a handgun, two shotguns and a machete inside. Book 'em Cpl. Hogue.

Is it Something I Said?
PIG's correspondent Anthony Scott filed a report about a Tar Heel State pinhead named Dadi Kenyatta McNair who talked himself into a first-degree murder charge. His self-inflicted verbal wound ensued after he, for reasons we might never know, strolled into the Fayetteville (NC) Police Department to "discuss" the murder of Charles Umar Johnson. While talking to detectives, Dadi, inadvertently, ratted himself out, prompting the cops to offer him graybar accommodations. Book 'em Billy-Bob.

Robbery Hits a Snag
Dressed for success in a black evening gown, a matching purse, fishnet stockings and a black wig, an alleged male robbed Monterey (Mexifornia) pit stop, the local USA Gas station. After stuffing his take - $290.00 - into his purse, he made his escape in a black Saab. Our desperado, Michael Clouse, had it all going his way, except for one pesky "snag". While entering his getaway ride he snagged his fishnet stockings on the door latch, leaving some tattletale fishnet flapping in the breeze. A mere 35 minutes after his caper, Michael got his requisite justice system encounter when an alert cop, Chad Ventimiglia, spotted the fishnet hanging from the driver's side door of the Saab. Michael will have plenty of time to repair his outfit while he's in the local graybar. Book the fool, Dano.

The Great Ringtone Rescue
A 12-year old Yelm (Washington) wenchlet's day went to crap when a pervert wearing a mask grabbed her while she walked home from school. Leaving nothing to chance, the scumbag covered his victim's head with a towel, taped her hands together then dragged her into the woods. Before he could assault the girl, his cell phone rang, emitting a unique ringtone that the girl recognized. Immediately, she challenged the pervert: "Jimmy you are scaring me. If it's you, Jimmy, stop it."

Losing his nerve, James Walters took off like a scalded mutt, leaving the girl behind. She quickly freed herself, then ran home to tell her dad about her ordeal. The cops rounded up James Walters soon after, tossing his sick butt into the slammer. In cases like this, the cops should find some excuse to shoot this fool down like a dog when he "tried to escape". It's not a perfect solution, but it's good enough for us.

Human Gene Pool Volunteer Gets His Wish Granted
We're not told why Shawn Leflore thought the law had an outstanding arrest warrant with his name on it, but we do know that he felt the need to avoid the looming encounter with some Lone Star State traffic cops. Suffice it to say it's too late to ask him, now. When Sheriff's Deputies stopped Shawn for an outdated registration sticker, Shawn made a mad dash to elude justice. He ran about 700 yards then got stuck in waist-deep mud. Thanks to the combined effects of a stiff breeze and temperatures that hovered in the mid 30's Shawn achieved room temperature while the cops tried to extricate him from the mud.

Amazing Desperado Adventures
Source: PIG News Wire [03/17/06]

The Great Squeegee Handle Caper
A Boise 7-11 clerk managed to fend off a knife-wielding desperado with a Squeegee handle, then, aided by two passers by captured the differently law-abiding perpetrator. The caper started around 8pm when 18-year-old Tyson Morgan donned his mask and entered the convenience store. Brandishing a knife, he demanded that the clerk deposit all the money in a blue bag the robber brought with him. From there, things got fun:

'...The clerk refused and picked up a Squeegee handle nearby and threatened the robber, who ran out of the store. At that point, someone in the store set off a silent hold-up alarm. The clerk told police he chased after the robber for about 100 feet. At that point that [Ryan] Stacy and [Jarad] Meyer drove by. Stacy said he saw the clerk was getting winded by the chase, so he rolled down his window and told the clerk he would cut off the robber down the street.

Stacy told police Meyer, who was driving, pulled the car in front of the robber. Stacy got out of the passenger seat and looked at the robber, who then attempted to run away. Stacy said he chased the robber and tackled him, which caused the man to drop the knife. Meyer helped him restrain the robber, Stacy said. "A little bit of a fight occurred, and then he told me he had enough", Stacy said. "We put him in the truck and took him back to the store."...(Idaho Statesman)

"A little bit of a struggle"? I'm guessing that's the way Idaho denizens describe "We pounded on his sorry ass until he decided to cooperate, then pounded him a little more just for the hell of it." That pounding is nothing compared to the beating this desperado has in store when his graybar hotel homeboys find out he let convenience store clerk with a Squeegee handle scare him off.

Mexifornia Desperados Come Up Empty Handed
The caper came off exactly as planned when two armed desperados entered the First Pacific Credit Union in Benicia (Mexifornia). Disguised by ski masks, the two robbers ordered everyone onto the floor then demanded that somebody hand over the money. That's when their caper careened into Never-Never Land, because First Pacific is a "cashless" credit union. In plain English that means the money comes in, gets deposited into a vault and can't be extracted again by the 9-5 bank employees. Bummed - and who can blame them - the pair escaped empty handed.

A "cashless" credit union? That's a new one on us. It's "Go figure" time here in the PIG News bunker.

Desperado Gets "Stuck"
Jin Choi, owner of Wings restaurant made an amazing discovery when he opened his eatery at 9am. The minute he entered his adventure in capitalism he heard somebody crying for help from the kitchen. When he entered his kitchen, he noticed somebody's foot dangling out of the hole in the vent. At the same time an (alleged) human pleaded "Help me. Help me."

While paramedics and assorted other city minions worked to extricate Jin's uninvited guest, an alert cop snapped a picture of the intruder with a Polaroid camera. The desperado is in the local hospital, under the watchful eye of the Atlanta P.D. Book 'em, Dano.

Iron Pumping Granny Bags Desperado
Iris Davis didn't hesitate when a 75-mph police chase came to a thundering halt after the three fleeing desperado's crashed in front of the store she manages. Racing outside, our 62 year old, 5 foot 1 inch human dynamo tackled one of the robbers and "subdued" him. Iris didn't even break a sweat, because, thanks to her exercise regime this diminutive grandmother is a two time state bodybuilding champion, a fact she verified when she, literally, ripped the shirt off the desperado's back. The moral of this epic is don't mess with Iris, because she can probably kick your couch potato butt.

Who Is That Guy?
Despite the fact that he'd just finished a 10 kilometer run, Glyn Roberts set off after a 17 year old mugger anyway. The foot race was never in doubt, despite the fact that Glyn, at 37, is more then twice the perp's age. The young mugger lasted for a paltry two miles, before he slowed, stumbled to a halt, then collapsed to his knees. Ignoring the "knackered" punk's pleas, a far from tired Glyn held him until the London cops arrived.

Have you seen my Nads?
The fun started Wednesday when Chicago cops responded to a call about some asshat smashing car windows. When they arrived on the scene, the cops assembled in front of a nearby house where their quarry was holed up. Bursting from the house this stark naked pinhead - Jakub Fik - pelted the cops with knives, then strayed into the desperado section of the Twilight Zone when he tossed his severed wang at them. That's right PIGsters, he broke into a house, snatched up a knife and wacked off his willie.

Fear not, PIGsters, Jakub and his willie have been reunited thanks to some timely assistance by the doctors at Northwest Memorial Hospital. Charged with two counts of aggravated assault, and one count of criminal damage to property, Jakub will have ample time to consider other ways to resolve certain outstanding issues he has with his girlfriend in Poland.

Teenage Crime Stoppers
Source: Seattle Post-Intelligencer [03/11/06]

The caper unfolded around closing time at a Woodinville (Washington) Subway shop. The desperado sauntered in wearing a ski mask and brandishing a gun and demanded that the teenage sandwich wrangler hand over the money. When she explained that he needed to buy a sandwich before she could open the register, he started to yell at her, sealing his fate. Alerted by the noisy confrontation, the three teenage lads who awaited their sandwich wrangling friend, tackled the desperado and 'subdued' him while the sandwich wrangler called 911.

Thanks to these three teenage lads, this desperado - a dude implicated in at least 11 other robberies - is off the street. PIG confers heartfelt kudos on these hormone gorilla crime stoppers.

Crime & Punishment Epics
Source: PIG News Wire [03/10/06]

Spokane (Washington)
A very thirsty dude, Robert L. Frazier, hijacked a bus at gunpoint, then ordered the driver to take him to the Special K Tavern in east Spokane. Once there, he entered the adult beverage emporium then demanded service. When the bartender responded with a virtual "bite me" our venerable - still feeling feisty at 69 - hero started blazing away at the bartender and a patron. Both shots missed, but he did get what he told the bus driver he really wanted: "to go to jail". Lock him up, Dano.

Northumbria (U.K.)
"We will always seek to take action against the small minority who disrupt other people’s lives. This kind of behaviour will not be tolerated." (Sgt. Stephen Cochrane, career pinhead)

Having nothing better to do, and determined to perpetrate a fetid concept that Northunbria's police chief calls "Total Policing", Northumbria's finest busted 18-year-old David Key for flashing Winston Churchill's "V" sign. He was, according to the police report, violating this Brit blight's civic order with his "anti-social behavior":

“He would give the V-sign to people, which caused annoyance and upset. The order prevents him from doing that or using any other hand gestures that are rude or threatening.” (Northumbria P.D.'s spokesdolt)

For daring to emulate one of Britain's most celebrated leaders by emulating Churchill's "V", David is no longer allowed to "use in any public place words or behaviour or gestures that are rude or indecent or obscene"? Call us names if that thrills you, but how, exactly does flashing the "V" qualify as rude, indecent or obscene. When, exactly, did Korrectniks drive a stake through the heart of British liberty?

Maryland
A security guard named Karl Salenicks decided to play cop on Maryland's highways and byways. Determined to make his cop impression a good one, he tricked out his security guard ride with blue and red flashing police lights, bagged some fake badges, uniforms and cuffs then armed himself with a Taser, two handguns, and a shot gun. He played his role to the hilt setting off a two-week investigation that ended when fickle fate tripped up this loser. Karl's cop masquerade careened into a ditch when he pulled over an unmarked cop car that contained two real cops. Although Karl took off like a scaled dog, the cops bagged him soon after. Book 'em, Dano.

Stupid Is as Stupid Does
Source: PIG News Wire [03/03/06]

Stevens Point (Wisconsin)
When a woman discovered that some scumbag burglarized her abode and stole her camera, she immediately, took inventory to see anything else had been taken. While she was checking the contents of her purse, she found an incriminating item that the burglar, inexplicably had left behind. And what, you ask, did she find? The desperado's probation and patrol card, complete with a date and time stamp on it for his next appointment. He won't need to worry about making that appointment with his parole officer now that he's enjoying civic accommodations. Book 'em, Dano.

Wichita (Kansas)
In the wee hours of the morning, a 25 year old Wichita motorist was tooling along in his ride with a handgun tucked between his legs. As stupid as this sounds, it gets better, because, for reasons we may never know, the gun discharged, redecorating his left thigh when the bullet passed through it. After a brief investigation, bemused Wichita cops decided that stupidity - including self-inflicted wounds - isn't a crime in Kansas so they cut this fool loose.

As amused as we are by this epic, we can't give our marksman a perfect score, since the bullet missed his nads. This loser is lucky that we're feeling uncharacteristically generous by mentioning his antics in a publication with our loft reputation among journalism professionals.

Syracuse (New York)
Last October, 89 year old Henrietta Parsons died when a fire destroyed her home. Although Henrietta has passed over and her humble abode is long gone, the pinheads at the utility company - Northern Grid - continued to bill Henrietta for more than a thousand dollars. Their excuse? Nobody told the billing department that the service had been terminated. Assuming that's true, how did they compute the monthly bills? Didn't somebody get a clue when the meter reader reported that the house, Henrietta and their meter were long gone?

Last week, after Henrietta's niece called them to complain about the bills, Northern Grid ordered its billing department to pull their heads out of their butts, but it still wants the $300 Henrietta owed before her tragic demise. File this under "the terrors of a government-enforced monopoly" in your PIG News archives.

The Bronx (New York)
Two ethically-challenged cousins found out, the hard way, that they don't have the right stuff to perpetrate a life of crime. Armed and dangerous, Sharrieff Smith and Risha Campbell stumbled over their criminal ineptitude in the wee hours of the morning when they tried to hold up a dude in a warehouse parking lot. During this armed robbery, Sharrieff managed to fatally wound his cousin in the thigh. Proving that blood - in Sharrieff's case - is thinner than water, he took off like a scalded dog, leaving his wounded cousin to cope as best he could.

Risha achieved room temperature in a nearby hospital, earning his cousin a second-degree murder and gun possession charge, plus free accommodations at the local graybar. Book 'em, Dano, and throw away the key.

Atlanta (Georgia)
Jonni Rodrigo Perez's caper started off swimmingly, when he entered La Unica Beauty Salon near closing time then demanded a dye job. When the salon owner, Iralia Vasquez, told him they were closing, Jonni brandished a knife, made stabbing motions at Iralia and her employee, Eugenia Navarro, then turned his attention to Iralia's three children. Alarmed, Iralia tried to distract Jonni while Eugenia went next door to get Iralia's husband, William.

Moments later, William, Iralia and Jonni got into a struggle on the sidewalk outside the salon, a melee that summoned tattoo artist Adam Goodman and his customer, a 19 year old Marine named Thomas Payne. Together, they "subdued" Jonni, a polite way of saying that Goodman grabbed Jonni from behind in a choke hold, while Payne pounded some sense into the fool. Once they had Jonni's undivided attention and "voluntary" cooperation, they held him until the police arrived.

Aside from Jonni who suffered a broken nose, among other things, nobody else was injured in the struggle. He'll have ample time to recover, because Jonni's justice system plate is full to overflowing. He's facing "three misdemeanor counts of cruelty to children, two counts of aggravated assault and one count of armed robbery" (Atlanta Journal Constitution).

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Crime-Stoppers Daily Double
Source: PIG News Wire [02/27/06]

Tampa
A festive party generated more excitement than anyone expected when four teenagers barged in and one of them brandished a gun. Ordering the guests to empty their purses and pockets, the quartet had everything going their way, until things spiraled out of control. Their heist unraveled when the guests started fighting back. First, someone grabbed for the gun, causing it to discharge during the struggle. Luckily, the bullet did more good than harm when grazed one desperado's - Laroy Sims - hand. From there, things got very thrilling for the party crashers.

Several guests grabbed Gregory Davis, hogtied him with some speaker wires, then proceeded to beat the snot out of him. Alarmed, the other three - Laroy Sims, Ladarius Hudson and Joshua Franklin - ran out the door, ditched the gun, then tried escape in their getaway ride. That might have worked, except for the fatal fact that hot-tied and battered Gregory Davis had the car keys. Before the punks had time to devise a "Plan B", the cops arrived to offer them civic accommodations. Book 'em, Dano.

Healdsburg (Mexifornia)
A Healdsburg man exercised his Second Amendment right to keep and bear arms when an armed assailant wearing a ninja-style masked attacked his wife outside their residence. The attack started when the woman took her dogs for a walk. The instant she stepped outside, the masked assailant jumped her. A struggle ensued during which she called to her husband for help. Roused from his nap, her husband grabbed his handgun, rushed to his bride's rescue and let fly with a well aimed fusillade that rewarded the assailant with a badly needed room temperature transition. Plant the punk, Dano.

Convicted Pimp Sues His Customers
Source: AP [02/27/06]

Arthur Vandmoor is not a happy camper. Life, it seems, has been overly generous with its lemons and our hero is determined to do more about it than squeeze some lemonade. His travails started when the proper authorities convicted him for running "One of the largest escort services in the Southeast" (AP). With 50 pay for play wenches in his stable, Artie boy racked up an estimated $6.2 million in dead presidents during an action-packed 4 year period, until those spoilsports sent him to the slammer, then deported the Dutchman after he served his time. Throwing life's lemons out the window, Artie hired a shyster to sue 6 of his former clients.

His alleged thinking is explained - more or less by this AP story tidbit:

'...Arthur Vanmoor, 46, said the customers broke the law after purchasing time with the escorts, which he claims ultimately led to his arrest, incarceration and deportation. To pay the $245-per-hour escort fee, the men signed a credit card slip that said, "Cardholder states that this transaction is not for illegal activity," said Vanmoor's attorney, Montgomery Sibley. Had Vanmoor been notified that these men were breaking the law and violating the agreement's terms, "he could have refunded the credit card charges as an act of withdrawal, abandonment, or renunciation," according to the lawsuit...' (AP)

I don't know what Artie has been smoking, but if it's that damn good, he should pass it around. Does he expect us to believe that some dude would pay some rent-a-wench $245 an hour for a stimulating conversation and "no touching" female companionship? We're not that simple, "Wham, bam thank you ma'am" Sparky.

Slow Speed Chase
Source: PIG News Wire [02/20/06]

Responding to a report from an alert Neighborhood Watch member, Salt Lake City cops tracked down one of the cars involved in a car to car shootout. When the cops tried to get the driver of the suspects' car to stop, he ignored them, so the chase ensued, with a slight difference. The driver of the ride being chased left his parking brake on, so he couldn't get his ride to exceed 35 mph.

Eventually, the cops prevailed at which point the occupants of the car - teenagers, of course - insisted that they were the ones on the receiving end of the fusillade. Since no bullet holes were found in the ride and no gun turned up, the cops nailed them for "fleeing". Apparently being a moron isn't a crime in Utah. Learn something new every day.

The Unkindest Cut: The Stanford Tree Gets Axed
Source: PIG News Wire [02/18/06]

Setting aside the compelling - but utterly asinine - notion that an Ivory Tower of Stanford's caliber has a "tree mascot", we concentrate, instead, on the antics of Erin Lashnits, the wench who wears the tree costume at the school's games. The fun started when some badge packers spotted Erin tippling from a flask while wearing the costume at the Stanford-Cal basketball game. During halftime, they gave Erin a sobriety test and she failed spectacularly, with a blood alcohol level of 0.15 percent (twice the legal limit). After citing Erin for public drunkenness, the cops exiled her to the grandstands, where she sat out the rest of the game. Subsequently, the Stanford Eggheads dumped Erin from her tree mascot job.

We're willing to cut Erin some slack, up to a point. We'll refrain from commenting on the fact that she's a 5th year student who plans to be a astronaut. We're even willing to overlook the fact that Erin, voluntarily, wore a tree costume in public. But, we can't let her slide for getting busted, then fired, for hitting the sauce inside her costume while on duty. Sorry darlin' you just stayed into well charted "LOSER" waters.

The Paranoid Desperado Caper
Source: AP [02/15/06]

A rain-soaked, Kelso (Washington) desperado worried that the "wrong" people might spot his ill-gotten gains, so he took steps to prevent it. Did he deploy alarms, security cameras, armed guards, evil tempered pooches and/or deploy booby traps? Our hero eschewed such measures and went low tech when he pinned the following note were the relevant individuals could see it: "Do not open door & let anyone in! Stolen stuff visible."

Crude but effective, his sign worked, until the Cowlitze County Sheriff's deputies paid him a visit. Needing to chat with Gerald Mack, the proper authorities got a tip that he was holed up in his "keep the damn door shut" abode. After a standoff, the deputies persuaded Gerald to accept civic accommodations then began to catalog the loot: antiques, furniture, jewelry, credit cards and at least 19 firearms. Book 'em, Dano.

Southern Fried Crime Adventure
Source: PIG News Wire [02/13/06]

A southern-fried desperado lurked near the Ameristar Casino's cashier window, appearing to chat on his cell phone, until the opportune moment arrived for him to make his move. He tossed a bag to the cashier and made off with the money without a hitch, then pulled off a clean getaway in a Ford Explorer he car jacked in the parking lot. So far, so good, but the plan wasn't exactly flawless.

For starters our hero, 21 year old Thomas McGrigs, left a couple items behind: his cell phone, plus a bag containing a lot of money. "Oops", while accurate, doesn't exactly cover it. When the cops catch this clown he'll be easy to identify. He's the fumble fingered dolt who is a dead ringer for the dude whose antics were captured for posterity on the casino's tape-backed camera system.

Public Enemy Number One in Nebraska?
Source: PIG News Wire [02/13/06]

Lincoln (Nebraska) cops black flagged a capitalist's innovative scheme to attract customers when it cited Tugboat Art Gallery owner Joey Lynch for vandalism. Joey incurred badge packer wrath by using a special (easy to remove) calk and water mix when scribbling directions and other lures on the city sidewalks near the gallery. Mr. Lynch has been scribbling the fun-filled customer lures on the city sidewalks for more than a year, but those days are over, now:

'..."(There is) a vandalism ordinance that says that without permission, you can't mar, deface, or damage any public or private property," said Sgt. Don Scheinost , of the Lincoln Police Department...' (KETV)

Daring to take this vandalism lunacy to its illogical end, Joey Lynch asks the salient question: "Are they going to (ticket) children for hopscotch next?" Probably, because these pinheads have nothing better to do. If some easily removed chalk scribbles are as bad as it gets for Lincoln's cops, they should cruise down to the donut shop and do what comes naturally.

The Brazen Burglar Caper
Source: Chicago Tribune [02/09/06]

West Bend (Wisconsin) cops are a step closer to bagging a certain brazen burglar, thanks to some desperado carelessness. His M.O. is unmistakable: refrigerator raids, television watching, changing into his victim's clothes. During his latest house breaking adventure, our hero took his brazen criminal antics one step too far:

'...Lori Menzel of the town of Kewaskum said the burglar left his Yahoo account open after checking his personal e-mail on the computer at her home. "He never logged out. He made himself at home here. He spent some time in our bedroom trying on my husband's clothes. I could tell he went through some of my clothes.''...' (Tribune)

Armed with this tattletale clue, the cops traced the perp to his last known address, but it appears he's "left the area". We're confident that "Book 'em, Dano" will transpire, any day now.

Crime Stopper of the Week
Source: The Coloradoan (Fort Collins, Colorado) [02/04/06]

A Fort Collins (Colorado) delivery driver named Allison Waters, demonstrated her company loyalty when she chased down a punk who tried to rob a Chinese eatery named Yung's Recipe. Taking family togetherness to a whole new level, the 18-year old desperado, Caleb Fetty, entered the eatery accompanied by - we're not making this up - his mommy. Allison's adventure started when, returning from a delivery, she spotted Caleb leaving the restaurant carrying the eatery's money bag. Caleb eyed Allison warily, then offered to give back the loot, if she promised not to call the cops. When our spunky heroine said "no", the real fun started.

'...Fetty began running and Waters chased after him in her car, calling the restaurant and police on her cell phone. Waters caught up to Fetty outside Bullfrog Wine & Spirits at the north end of the strip mall. She quickly stopped the car, took off her shoes - ("I knew I couldn't run in Birkenstocks," Waters said) - and began chasing Fetty. One witness hurried to help when she heard Waters screaming. “She lost her shoes, she lost her cell phone; it was just her,” said Anna Williams of Fort Collins, who witnessed the incident. Waters grabbed Fetty’s shirt, but it ripped off his body. She grabbed him by the pants, and he punched her once in the face and once in the chest, she said. Other shoppers from Albertsons helped hold Fetty down...' (Coloradoan)

As fun as this is, it gets better, because, back in the eatery, Caleb's mommy accosted Allison, screaming at our heroine while paying for her take out order. And what, you ask, does Allison have to say about her heroics? "I don't like tacking crap from anyone. You can't rob our store." Caleb and his mommy learned a long overdue lesson, thanks to a delivery driver hellcat named Allison Waters.

Don't Mess With Holly Mong
Source: PIG News Wire [02/04]

Holly Mong, a rookie officer in the Richmond (Mexas) Police Department, proved, conclusively, that she has the right stuff to do the job when some punks tried to carjack her ride. The drama unfolded when an off duty Holly got into her Jeep Liberty to attend a training class. She barely had time to start the Jeep when two armed and dangerous punks accosted her. Since Holly was in civies, the punks had no idea that Holly was a cop, and that fact helped her during the ensuing confrontation.

Climbing into the Jeep, the carjackers ordered Holly to move to the passenger seat. Sizing up the situation, Holly's police training kicked in, allowing her to snatch her gun from her purse. She proceeded to dissuad the punks with a fusillade that killed one and wounded the other. Holly, we are delighted to report, emerged a tad shaken, but otherwise unscathed. You did good, Officer Mong...you did damn good. Richmond's denizens can sleep a bit easier, knowing you're on the job.

True Crime Adventures
Source: PIG News Wire [02/03/06]

Orem (Utah)
Reaching for stampeding stupidity's brass ring, an 18-year-old urban agriculture enthusiast called the cops to - we are not making this up - report that he'd been robbed. And what, you ask, did the house breaker steal? According to our hero's call to the cops, the missing loot included a quarter-pound of marijuana that he'd been planning to sell. As fun as this is, it gets better:

The pot farmer reported that the thief had cut himself on a window. He also told the cops about a call he got from a 23-year-old Provo (Utah) dude who wanted to buy the pot. Armed with that information, the cops tracked down the Provo dude at his mother's home. In addition to 6 ounces of pot and some blood soaked pants, the cops discovered that the Provo dude had a fresh cut on his arm. Graybar accommodations were offered and accepted.

'...With the stolen property recovered, officers called the 18-year-old and requested that he come to the Orem Public Safety Building to identify the bag of marijuana. He actually came and identified it as his. " Orem (Utah) Police Lt. Doug Edwards said. "Even the dumb criminals are generally smarter than this."...' (Deseret Morning News)

Dumber than a box of rocks? You better believe it, "Book 'em, Dano" Sparky.

Orlando (Florida)
An Orlando denizen named Michael Garibay just became a leading contender for Criminal Stupidity's Poster Punk. Our hero made his bid in the wee hours of the morning when he spotted Edward Johnson parked by the curb. Quickly deducing that Edward would make a nifty customer for his illegal drugs, Michael parked his ride behind Edward's, then walked up to make his sales pitch:

After engaging in some small talk, our hero came right out with it: "Do you want to buy some cocaine."

Surprised, and wondering if Michael was serious, Edward replied "Yes."

Big fun, but hardly newsworthy, you complain. Agreed, until I deliver this Paul Harvey Moment and the rest of the story. Deputy Edward Johnson works in the Orange County (Florida) Sheriff's Department, but that's only the beginning. A uniformed Deputy Johnson was seated in his marked police cruiser when our drug dealing hero made his pitch. You don't need Nostradamus to predict that "Book 'em, Dano" ensued the instant Michael showed Deputy Johnson his illicit wares.

If you crave a photo of this dim-witted desperado, you can find it on the Smoking Gun web site.

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Don't Try This At Home
Source: Manchester Union-Leader (New Hampshire) [01/31]

A Bay State bright bulb named Daniel Harper managed to achieve room temperature in the Granite State doing something utterly insane called Skimming. As far as we can tell "Skimming" involves running a snowmobile across the open waters of a partially frozen body of water. In this case, our hero tried 'to skim the water at Bryant Point on Lake Minnipesaukee' and found out, the hard way, that snowmobiles don't float worth a damn. For those who insist on such things, here are the fatal facts on this intellectual flatliner adventure:

'...Daniel Harper, 51, of Bellingham, was hindered by soaked snowmobile gear and freezing waters and was unable to make it to shore, said Lt. Jim Goss of New Hampshire Fish and Game. "Once you get all that gear waterlogged. . . ." Goss said. "It's hard enough swimming in that water." Two nephews and two friends who were with Harper were able get a ladder, but he could not be pulled from the water in time, Goss said...' (Union-Leader)

For those who can't wait to press their luck by "Skimming", we'll go over the fatal factoids. First of all, your snowmobile won't float worth a damn. Second, that heavy clothing you're wearing to keep warm will drag you under and make it nearly impossible to pull you out in time. Third, and most important of all, the water is at or near 30 degrees and will speed up your untimely, but richly deserved, demise. Are we all up to speed on Skimming now, daredevil Sparky?

The Great Escape
Source: AP [01/26/06]

From our "stir crazy" files, we bring you this action-packed epic about a Great Northwest Nitwit jailbird named Lance Gauthun. More than halfway through a 20-day graybar stint for stealing $150 worth of copper tubing, Lance snapped and decided to breakout of his temporary graybar abode. Since he was housed in the minimum security annex of the Thurston County jail, getting out was a piece of cake, sort of, except for the fun fact that Lance is a blithering idiot.

Lance's jailbreak to freedom went swimmingly, for the first few seconds, until he fell down a steep embankment behind the jail. Unable to extricate himself and thrillingly aware that the thermometer hovered in the low 30's, Lance sought help the only way he could. That's right true crime fans, Lance called to the Sheriff's deputies for help. Did Lance get rescued? You bet. He got liberated right into the "big boys' jail" for an additional 1 to 3 months.

Resetting the Bar for Honest in Utah
Source: AP [01/24/06]

A differently sober Utah driver reset the bar for honesty, much, much higher this week, when the proper authorities stopped him for speeding. The DUI determination didn't take any Columbo class police work since the car - and the driver - reeked of adult beverage. The moment of supreme honesty came when the cop asked the man to step out of the car and take a sobriety test. Without a moment's hesitation, the driver declined, telling the cops that he'd just fall down if he obeyed their request.

We can't speak for the cops, but we're willing to believe the driver since he was driving on a revoked license due to prior DUI infractions. He's facing a laundry list of charges that include driving under the influence, driving on a revoked license and speeding. The one thing he's not being called is a liar, because this dude is honest to a fault.

Flat-Liner Adventures
Source: PIG News Wire [01/20/06]

Wichita (Kansas)
A Kansas denizen's story stretches credulity, but we'll give you the highlights, because it's big time fun. The 24-year-old insists that he "heard shots" during the wee hours, so he went outside to see who was shooting up the town. That's when he "discovered" that he'd been shot in the chest. We're willing to concede that he got shot, but reserve judgement on how, exactly, he caught a bullet. As fun as this is, it gets better.

Wandering into his kitchen, our hero rummaged through the drawers, until he found what he needed, a meat thermometer. That's right flat-liner Sparky, this Einstein tried to extract the bullet using the pointed end of the meat thermometer. When that didn't get the job done, a stray synapse fired and he paid a visit to the Via Christi Medial Center-St. Joseph. Do we really need to tell you not to try this at home?

Long Island (New York)
The fun started when the Highway Patrol officer spotted a differently-sober motorist "driving" his ride down the Long Island Expressway while he was sound asleep. The fact that his 1998 Ford Expedition didn't require his assistance to stay on the road elicits the salient question: When did Ford Motor Company install an autopilot option in its SUV line? After the cops managed to stop this fool, the crack cocaine pipe they found in Stephen Nielsen's lap told them all the needed to know about our hero.

As fun as this is, it gets better. When cops checked Stevie's driving record they found out that he'd been busted in November 2002 for - you guessed it - "driving" his car while asleep. In that instance his ride - a 1999 Nissan - didn't have the autopilot option, so it ratted him out when it careened off the road onto the front lawn of the Second Precinct police station in Huntington.

New Bedford (Massachusetts)
Faces are, to say the least, a tad red in the Bay State's Jury Commissioner's office after they sent a jury duty notice to a 2 year old tyke named Kaylee Reynolds. Proving that there might be a glimmer of hope for the Bay State, State Jury Commissioner Patricia Reynolds decided to cut Kaylee some slack, since according to Kaylee's mother, Kaylee gets very cranky if she misses her noontime nap. All things considered, the Jury Commissioner's decision to "give Kaylee a 16-year grace period" seems like a good one.

Raleigh (North Carolina)
The pre-dawn attack on Carlton Whitted's mobile home domicile started with a crash that shook the whole trailer. The first thing the armed punks did was shoot Carlton's wife and daughter. Leaping into action, 62-year-old Carlton Whitted grabbed his .22 rifle and started to blaze away at the punks. His bullets found their mark, wounding both of the home invading punks. Our hero wanted to give them another taste of reality, but he was out of ammo. Fear not, PIGstes, thanks to Carlton's marksmanship, the punks are languishing in a Hillsborough (North Carolina) graybar facing charges of "burglary, assault with a deadly weapon and shooting into an occupied dwelling".

PIG salutes Carlton for showing the gun control pinheads why the "right to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed". Thanks to the Second Amendment, Carlton had the means to defend his family. Thanks to his moxie, Carlton "Bull's-Eye" Whitted is a hero.

Unsafe At Any Speed In North Carolina
Source: PIG News NC Correspondent, Anthony Scott [01/17]

Raleigh
A Raleigh P.D. motorcycle officer found out the hard way why some Tar Heel State motorists should be black flagged off the state's highways and byways. The incident started routinely when the officer pulled over a white Lexus GS 300 for reckless driving. The traffic stop went from routine to dangerous when the Lexus' driver backed up and rammed the officer. Although the officer came out of it intact, the incident wasn't over quite yet. Later that same evening, the Raleigh fire department responded to a call about a car fire. That's right, true crime fans, the torched ride is the same Lexus GS 300 that ran over the cop.

The bad news is that this lunatic is still out there. The good news is that one of his rides is out of commission.

Lillington
For reasons we'll never know, a Lillington desperado took a shine to another dude's ride. His caper took a deadly turn when the car's rightful owner caught him in the act. According to a boob tube report, 'a fight ensued and shots were fired' (NBC17). The desperado achieved room temperature on the car owner's front lawn, making North Carolina just a little bit safer. Plant him, Dano.

Clever Jailbirds
Source: Sydney Morning Herald [01/17/06]

Two jailbirds decided to seek different accommodations the easy way, and it worked. Instead of employing the usual movie plot dramatics that involve digging tunnels or scaling fences, the pair talked a guard into letting them walk right out the front door.

'...Todd Ellis, 33, and Todd John Carr, 27, escaped on Thursday during a switch of guards while only one officer was manning the gate. Ellis is believed to have hidden half his name badge and pretended to be another prisoner named Ellis who had a permit to work in the prison grounds. The guard allowed both men through the gate towards the outer exit. They then bolted from the prison grounds, stole bicycles from two girls, rode to nearby shops, stole a van and drove away...' (Morning Herald)

Todd Ellis's luck ran out a few days later when the proper authorities bagged him, but his partner in the escape is proving to be more elusive. Rumors that the gullible guard who let them out has been reassigned to cleaning the prison's toilets can't be confirmed at press time.

Shaken, Stirred and Stomped in South Carolina
Source: AP [01/16/06]

The robbery came off like clockwork for a South Carolina desperado named Anthony Tyrone Baker, up to a point. Donning masks, our hero and his partner in crime brandished handguns and empted the cash register at Palomas Restaurant and Cantina. Determined to discourage any law abiding citizens, the pair fired their guns in the air, prompting a waitress to scream. All things considered, they probably regret that fusillade.

'...[The noise alerted] a man at the adjacent bar. He attempted to sneak outside and lock the robbers in. When that didn't work, he chased the robbers into the woods. An owner, employees and customers followed, some carrying pool cues, according to the restaurant's owners. When one of the robbers stopped and tried to fight his pursuers, they began beating the 6-foot-3-inch man with the pool cues and tree branches, authorities said...' (AP)

Bluffton (South Carolina) cops threw our battered and bruised hero into the graybar, but Anthony's travails didn't end with a well-deserved stomping. In his frantic attempt to elude the angry mob, he dropped the loot. Book 'em, Dano.

True Crime Adventure
Source: AP [01/15/06]

Some Peach State agricultural enthusiasts had it all going their way, until a drunk driver plowed his ride into their Tucker (Georgia) apartment building rupturing a gas line in the process. Their adventure in urban...farming...unraveled when the firefighters who answered the fire alarm discovered a thriving pot farm that included at least three different apartments in the complex.

The urban farmer, Ricky Baker, must still be asking "Why me?" whenever he thinks about the 182 pot plants - grotesquely inflated street value alleged to be $884,892 - that the cops impounded. The only thing that went his way was getting released after posting a $22,100 bond. "D'oh" while appropriate, is egregiously inadequate in this instance.

Amazing Tales
Source: PIG News Wire [01/13/06]

Horatio (Arkansas)
From our "it seemed like a good idea, at the time" desk we bring you this explosive saga. Sixty-one year old Joyce Brewer needed a smoke in the worst way, so she removed the nasal tubes that pumped oxygen into her, laid them on the bed, then lit up that smoke. It all went swimmingly, until she dropped her coffin nail near that oxygen flow, allowing oxygen to do what comes naturally when it's exposed to a flame.

Our heroine escaped, barely, with third degree burns, but her abode wasn't quite so lucky. Unable to save the house, fire crews did manage to keep it from spreading to nearby pastures and timberland.

Grand Island (New York)
A Burger King cashier got a nasty shock when she met the fast food purveyor's newest employee, Adam Ruiz. The last time she saw Adam was a week earlier when he brandished a gun before handing her a note demanding that she turn over all the money in the cash register. I can hear the interview now:

"Are you familiar with Burger King?"

"You bet. I nailed you for more than $200.00 when I robbed you, last week."

"Welcome to Burger King, Adam. How soon can you start?"

Unwilling to let bygones be bygones, the cashier called the cops and had Adam carted off to the graybar hotel on armed robbery charges.

Idaho's Crime Stopper
Source: AP [01/09/06]

Idaho denizen, Randy Naccarato didn't hesitate when he spotted the man in a ski mask entering a Coeur D'Alene java shop, the Lean Bean Latte. The instant the coffee wrangling wench cried "He's got a gun!", Randy rushed into the shop, tackled the desperado and proceeded to "subdue" him:

'...Naccarato, a former amateur boxer, started pummeling the man and, with the help of two other men, held him down until police arrived...' (AP)

The cops made the usual noises about thinking twice before taking on a desperado, but PIG News refuses to go there. Randy will be thrilled to learn that, in addition to richly deserved PIG kudos, he's the frontrunner for Crimestopper of the Week.

A Hole In His Plan
Source: PIG News Wire [01/08]

The Hoosier desperado had it all going like clockwork, up to a point. Sharife Doorah managed to knock over an Indianapolis adult beverage emporium and make off with $8,000 of the bar's money in a bag. Events strayed from the plan when the cops arrived so quickly that they were hot on Sharife's trail in a heartbeat. Spotting our hero getting into his getaway ride, the cops chased him hither and yon, until Sharife bailed and took off on foot. That's when that bag full of loot derailed Sarife's caper:

"As he was running, the bag had a hole in it. So there was money going everywhere in the neighborhood as he was running," [Indianapolis police Sgt. Don Weilhammer].

Thanks to that tattletale money trail, Sharife was bagged, tagged, and given guest suite in the local graybar. Book 'em, Dano.

Thing That Go "Bump"
Source: PIG News Wire [01/06/06]

Faulty Program Nails Wal-Mart
It looked so simple, on paper, but Wal-Mart found out the hard way that a computer can - and will - do the strangest things. The bovine excrement hit the proverbial cooling device when Wal-Mart's automated DVD sales system, inexplicably, recommended a Martin Luther King Jr. DVD - plus DVDs about Jack Johnson, Dorothy Dandridge and Tina Turner - to customers who purchased a DVD boxed set for 'Planet of the Apes: The Complete TV Series'.

Determined to avoid a predictable race card adventure, Wal-Mart pulled the program from its Web Site and issued abject apologies. At press time, they're left scratching their heads over the computer program's inexplicable DVD pairings.

Jewel Thief Nails Himself
A sticky fingered desperado thought he'd pulled it off when he made off with the $4,600 earrings from a North Dadota State University Development Foundation's charity auction offerings. The crime went swimmingly, but the desperado's caper hit a nasty speed bump when he decided to get his loot appraised at a Fargo (North Dakota) jewelry store. Little did this dipstick realize that his chosen appraiser, Wimmer's Jewelry, was the store that donated the stolen earrings in the first place.

'...[Store owner Brad] Wimmer said his employees quickly identified the earrings when the suspect brought them in on Tuesday. He was told it would take a day to do the appraisal and left his name and phone number with Wimmer. Wimmer said he called the man on Wednesday and told him the appraisal was finished. When the man arrived at the store, Wimmer pretended he was on a long-distance phone call until police arrived...' (AP)

While he's in the Fargo graybar, our addled desperado might want to explain why he sought an appraisal from Wimmer's when the earrings were still in the original Wimmer's box, along with a description of the item that included its value. Once again, PIG News insists that criminal stupidity of this magnitude should be a hanging offense.

Where There's Smoke
Source: Daily Review (Pleasanton, Mexifornia) [01/04/06]

The enterprising, San Lorenzo home owners went to great lengths to shield their pot growing operation from prying, justice system eyes. It worked like gang busters, for a while. Displaying commendable ingenuity, the pot farmers tapped into the PG& E power grid directly, thus bypassing the breaker box and that tattletale meter. The 200 pot plants they had growing in their garage and two spare bedrooms thrived, until their differently-legal power tap started a fire.

When a fireman got a nasty electrical shock, after he'd turned off power at the junction box, the pot growing scheme unraveled in a heartbeat. The instant the hook and ladder boys traced that live wire to its terminus in the pot farm, the bovine excrement hit the proverbial cooling device with a resounding "splat".

The fire induced damage is in the $50,000 - $70,000 range. The likely legal ramifications are going exact a much higher price. Book 'em, Dano.

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Dimwitted Desperados
Source: Hampton Roads Virginian-Pilot [12/30]

The plan went exactly as planned, with one pesky exception. The two Kraut desperados spotted the courier, gave chase, then finally forced him off the road. While one desperado kept the courier covered, the other forced open the trunk of the courier's car and grabbed a case that contained their ill gotten gains.

After making good their escape, the smug desperados got a nasty little shock. Instead of bagging the suitcase full of cash the courier was transporting, they got the courier's first aid kit. Johann Steinlitz a spokesdude for the Gronau, Germany P.D. nailed it with this telling prose: "If there was an award for the dumbest crooks they would certainly be in the running." Truer words, PIGsters, truer words.

Adventures in Driving - Daily Double
Source: PIG News Wire [12/28

Splashdown!
A great Northwest Nitwit's car purchasing jaunt started off - and ended, a fate would have it - swimmingly. After looking over the 1988 Buick Riviera, a 20-year old wench got behind the wheel for a test drive. Following the usual preparatory antics, she started it, revved the engine, then launched herself into PIG News glory when she allegedly "mistook the gas pedal for the brake":

'... the car had jumped a parking curb, gone over a telephone utility box, brushed against two trees, plowed through two chain-link fences and come to rest in the swimming pool. Redmond firefighters arrived within minutes and broke a sunroof to pull the driver out as the car descended into the pool...' (Seattle Times)

Since this entire driving adventure from engine start to splashdown occurred on private property, no charges where filed. At press time, the car's rightful owner still doesn't want to talk about it. I'm guessing that he, she, heshe or it didn't impose the never fails "you break it, you buy it" admonition on the Great Northwest Nitwit who drove his ride into the Condo's swimming pool.

Sometimes They Drive Themselves
Lost in the Calhoun County (Michigan) boondocks, a 29 year old Wolverine State motorist managed to get his rear-wheel-drive ride stuck in the mud. Unable to push and give it some gas at the same time, he seemed doomed, until he hatched his thrilling scheme. What if, he asked himself, he weighed down his accelerator with his tool box while he got in back and pushed? What if, indeed. He found out in a heartbeat, after he put his plan into action:

After giving it a hefty push, the car took off across a field at speeds up to 100 mph, became airborne several times then ended the driverless thrill ride when it did a header into a tree.

Deeming the accident "no harm, no foul", the proper authorities didn't ticket this fool. PIG News doubts that his insurance carrier will be as cooperative. Do we really need to tell you, "Don't try this at home"? Probably not, but consider yourself so warned, anyway.

Golden D'Oh Candidate
Source: PIG News Wire [12/24]

A cop killing rat bastard named Robert Bailey found out the hard way, that it's never a nifty idea to shoot off your mouth while you're in the slammer. Too smug for his own good, this murdering fool ratted himself out during a phone call to a pal named John Braz:

'..."They can't try me if they find me mildly retarded or crazy. I ain't no rookie when it come to this (expletive), brother. I'm playin' all my little cards, brother," Bailey says to Braz, who was in the car when Bailey allegedly shot Panama City Beach Police Sgt. Kevin Kight during a traffic stop last Easter.

"The problem is you're gonna have to be at the nuthouse for the rest of your life," Braz said.

"No, brother. You ain't understandin'. You go to the nuthouse for five years, brother. If they don't find you competent within five years, after five years they legally find you not guilty by reason of insanity and then you stay in the nuthouse and if you ever get better after that, they let you go home, boy."

"For real?" Braz said....' (AP)

Dumber than a box of rocks? Yup, but that proves - according to his public defender, Walter Smith - that our hero really is nuts. Why? Because, only somebody who is crazy and/or retarded would think that he's fooling the cops for one instance with his "I'm nuts" claim. Making this doubly thrilling is this goodie: He's got his head up his ass when it comes to Florida law. After 4 years in the loony bin without a trial, the proper authorities can drop the charges and send him for "extended treatment". But, should he ever find his mental marbles, they get to reinstate the charges and convict his murdering rat bastard ass.

Under normal circumstances stampeding stupidity isn't a capital offence, but, in Robert Bailey's case, PIG News is willing to make an exception. We think they should bring Florida's Old Sparky out of retirement, strap Robert in, and let her rip.

Have You Ever Had One of Those Days?
Source: PIG News NC Correspondent Anthony Scott [12/23]

Selling shoes door to door can't be a walk in the park, but for one Tar Heel State shoe wrangler, his profession took him deep into the Twilight Zone. His day started going to crap when he stopped at a house:

The four men inside grabbed him and locked him in a closet then tried to steal his ride.

The sales dude kicked down the closet door then smashed the window of his ride with a lamp.

Shaken but not stirred, the driver of the ride smashed into a tree.

One of the would-be car thieves tried to shoot our hero, but hit one of his cohorts instead.

The wounded desperado ran onto a nearby highway and got nailed by a car. He finally got another driver to take him to a hospital.

At press time, Greensboro authorities are still trying to sort out what crimes were committed and who needs to be charged.

Making A Vivid Impression
Source: PIG News Wire [12/22]

An 18-year-old Empire State wingnut named Scott Carr decided to make his return visit to his alma mater, Carthage Central High, memorable earlier this week. Shedding his togs, he streaked through those hallowed Carthage Central High halls, stark damn naked, before running out of the building to search for his sanity.

The stunt worked like a champ, up to a point, but it did have a couple pesky flaws. For starters, several school employees spotted him. Better still, the school's security cameras recorded his stunt for posterity. Despite the fact that Scott showed his alma mater a whole new side of his, uh, personality, school officials had no problem identifying him. Book 'em, Dano.

Larcenous-Interruptus Double-Header
Source: PIG News Wire [12/17]

Modesto (Mexifornia)
The desperado sauntered into the local Stop And Rob outlet, pretended to shop for some beer, then brandished a knife at the clerk when the coast was clear. So far, so, good, but the clerk, Edward Petrossi, isn't your usual minimum wage cash register wrangler. Among other things, he's a martial arts expert. If you see where this is headed, don't spoil it for the clueless.

'...[Edward] assumed a "ready" stance, then grabbed a pair of scissors and box cutter from under the counter and told the man to "bring it on." Petrossi said the man dropped the beer and fled. Petrossi wasn't about to let the man get away. He gave chase, literally kicking the would-be thief through the store's front door...' (Sacramento ABC Boob Tube Outlet)

Far from finished, Edward chased the suspect into a nearby parking lot where the perp tried and failed to get into a van. Leaving nothing to chance, Edward used his cell phone camera to snap the van's license plate. Resuming his pursuit, Edward chased the perp hither and yon, but despite Edward's efforts the scumbag finally managed to get into his getaway ride. Determined to make a lasting impression, Edward shattered the van's driver's side window with a rock. Thanks to Edward's tireless pursuit and aided by the license plate he photographed, the perp is getting a badly needed rest as a guest in the local graybar hotel.

Milwaukee (Wisconsin)
The desperado sauntered into a clothing store, claimed he was armed and dangerous, then demanded that the store owner turn over the money. The owner had other ideas. First came a blast of pepper spray into the perp's face at point-blank range. Next, the owner snatched up a baseball bat and persuaded the cretin to take his differently law-abiding 'business' elsewhere. The desperado got away, but you can bet the proverbial agricultural endeavor that he won't be trying to knock over that store again.

Missing In Action
Source: PIG News Wire [12/13]

Bad: Having your car - a 2001 Ford Crown Victoria - stolen from the same parking lot, twice, in less than a month.

Devilish Details: The parking lot belongs to the Orange County (Mexifornia) Sheriff's Department. That's right, grand theft auto fans, the missing in action ride is - drum roll - an unmarked cop car.

Darwinian Justice Denied
Source: PIG News Wire [12/11]

A 16 year old future chad puncher named Jose Delgado demonstrated his future Florida Voter credentials when he managed to shot himself without using a firearm. His brush with richly deserved Darwinian retribution started when he found a .45 caliber bullet in his back yard. After toying with the bullet, his lone functional synapse miss-fired and the rest as they say, is history. This errant synapse linked him to a seldom used portion of the human brain: the portion that says, use a hammer and a screwdriver to hit the back of the live round and see what happens. Big, big fun.

Faster than you can say "ka-blam", our human gene pool volunteer gave himself a gunshot wound in the abdomen. Although this wound isn't fatal, PIG feels safe in predicting a room temperature transition in Jose's future, any damn day now. Mark this one as "imminent" in you human gene pool improvement archives.

Deal This Desperado Out
Source: PIG News Wire [12/09]

A Mexifornia desperado's 17 bank, 21 month long crime spree came to an unlikely halt in an even more unlikely place, when that fickle wench, Lady Luck, turned her back on him. Edmond Sykes' luck veered onto a crapper-bound heading during his November 25 bank heist when an alert employee wrote down the license number and a description of his getaway ride. His luck held, temporarily, because he moved to new digs, shortly before the FBI arrived at his old digs. The ensuing search for him came up empty, until his luck took another nasty turn, this week.

Proving that timing is everything, Edmond was trying his luck at poker in the Commerce Casino when an FBI agent showed up to pass out flyers with Edmonds mug shot on them. Thanks to a very smirky Lady Luck, the alert agent spotted Edmond seated at a nearby table. Luring him into a private poker room, the FBI agent and casino security bagged him. According to our top secret news sources, the FBI was betting on Edmonds well-documented gambling habit when it started passing out flyers at the local card clubs. Book 'em, Dano.

A Golden D'oh Contender
Source: Rockford Register Star (Illinois) [12/07]

From our "it seemed like a spiffy idea" desk, we bring you this cautionary tale about the dark underbelly of love blinders. Determined to get all his ducks lined up, David Link got ready for his forthcoming divorce, by deeding his 'extra' house over to his girlfriend, Cheri Wayman. His plan had him moving into the aforementioned abode with Cheri, once he initiated divorce proceedings a few months hence. His ladylove had her own idea on the subject. What ideas?

David's trek to lovenest bliss careened off happily ever after highway when Cheri changed the locks to her new abode, the instant she moved into it. It seems safe to assume that the romance cooled considerably thereafter. Freed from love's blinders, David sued to get his abode back, and, believe it or not, his soon to be ex-wife joined him in this effort. The house, she insists, is community property and she wants her cut.

At press time, Cheri is still prevailing, but the outcome to this epic of love gone wrong still hangs in the balance.

A Terrors of Technology Epic
Source: Morning Sun (Mt. Pleasant Michigan) [12/02]

Alarmed when a motorist kept punching the OnStar button but wouldn't respond to her urgent inquiries, a Wolverine State OnStar advisor decided to err on the side of caution, so she alerted Isabella County Central Dispatch. With OnStar's onboard GPS gear telling him the exact location of the Cadillac Escalade, Michigan State Trooper Scott Taylor quickly tracked down the vehicle.

The real fun started when Trooper Taylor got up close and personal with the car's occupants. The car's owner, Denis Grant, told Trooper Taylor that he asked his friend Brent Farmer to drive, because Denis knew he was too drunk to safely drive his ride home. You don't need to wait for the Breathalyzer results to verify Denis's sobriety, because, among other things, designated driver Brent - he pegged the meter with a .30 blood-alcohol content - had two prior drunk driving convictions, and got his driving privileges yanked. Only a potted Denis would hand his car keys to Brent "unsafe at any speed" Farmer.

Wolverine State motorists probably won't need to worry about encountering designated driver Brent Farmer any time soon, because he racked up an impressive list of charges: drunk driving, driving on a revoked or denied license, having an open container of alcohol in the car, plus resisting and/or obstructing police.

And why, you ask, did they hit the OnStar button repeatedly? Which part of "drunk as a skunk" didn't you understand, adult beverage polluted Sparky?

A Crime Cliche Epic
Source: Island Packet (Hilton Head Island, South Carolina) [12/02]

The crime went like clockwork when the masked, Southern-Fried desperado brandished his gun at a Residence Inn desk clerk then made off with the hotel's cash. It was during the escape phase of the operation that the caper started to unravel. First, the desperado dropped his gun, but his improbable antics didn't stop there. Ten minutes later, after the relevant justice system authorities were on the scene, his getaway ride was spotted in the hotel's parking lot. That's right, our hero, John "Fumble Fingers" Sweat, perpetrated that time-worn desperado cliche and returned to the scene of the crime to fetch his misplaced firearm.

Hilton Head Island denizens will be thrilled to learn that the men in blue bagged John, John's accomplice and the wayward gun in the getaway ride, before they could escape. At press time, John is a graybar guest facing armed robbery and unlawful firearm possession charges. Book 'em Dano.

Stupidity on Steroids
Source: PIG News Wire [12/01]

A woman found out the hard way, that greedy and stupid can be an impoverishing combination. The fun started when she encountered a woman in a Wal-Mart parking lot. The stranger showed our heroine a wad of money - $8,000 in all - and complained that the serial numbers bugged her so majorly that she'd gladly exchange her $8,000 for $6,000 to get rid of those annoyingly serial numbered bills.

Any rational adult would smell a ripoff in a heartbeat, but not our heroine. Instead of running for her life, she went to her bank with the strange woman and the stranger's male companion, where she withdrew $6,000 from her account. The instant she and her new pals left the bank, our heroine handed over her $6,000, after which the two grifters walked off leaving her empty handed. How dumb does somebody need to be, to let herself get taken like this? Very, and that's a fact.

We're trying, without measurable success, to muster some outrage over this blatant criminality. Call us names if you must, but our heroine got what she deserved for being greedy and breathtakingly stupid.