EDUCRAP | BACK-TO-SCHOOL SURVIVAL KIT

Isn't that sweet, you've got your new clothes, shoes, pencils, pens, condoms and bullets, but are you really prepared? Not until you've read PIG's Back-To-School Survival Kit.

OK kids, uh, inmates, play time is over and it's time to re-attach the old ball and chain, cleanse your mind of any independent thought and forget about any concept of what will soon be your former individuality. Upperclassmen, oops, I mean Upperclasspersons of gender, color, or orientation have all been through this before and know the drill.

For incoming Freshmen, damn, I did it again, Freshpersons, don't fear, PIG is here to let you know what to expect and to make your orientation/indoctrination as smooth as possible. You're going into battle and, like any warrior worth his, her, hisher or its salt, you better be locked and loaded or you'll get obliterated. It's your mind that hangs in the balance, Sparky, so put down the Nintendo and get your butt in gear.

Unless you attend one of those cess-schools - and we all know the ones I mean, so don't play dumb on me - you probably won't need a fully-functional AK-47, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't arm yourself. You'll need some of the following items to get you through this war with your mind unsullied by rampaging Cultural Marxism:

The Cato Institute's pocket-size copy of the U.S. Constitution and the Declaration of Independence. You need this to remind yourself that you're still in Amerika, not a Marxist Gulag.

Elephant Tranquilizers to use on that peacenik teacher who starts foaming at the mouth while blithering about its "Hate Amerika" exploits with Cindy Sheehan, Ramon "Martin Sheen" Estevez and Al Sharpton.

A cattle prod (pepper spray is marginally acceptable) to ward off that horndog teacher who keeps trying to grope you.

A crash course in "Self Hypnosis" is essential if you expect to survive such mind-shattering sludge as "Black History Month", "Womyn's History Month", plus months dedicated to the differently sexual, Sombrero Stomping Colonistas, and Siberian-Amerikans (So-called "Native" Americans).

Are we taking copious notes, Back to School Sparky? We better be, because a pop quiz is not out of the question.

Upperclasspersons need not feel slappably smug, because, they, too are doomed to do a header into certain annoying changes the Educrats imposed while you weren't looking:

If you have a teacher named Ms. Danielle Smith that has unusually muscular legs, shoulders that put a linebacker's to shame, thick hands and a large Adam's Apple, chances are that last year, Danielle Smith, was actually Mr. Daniel Smith. Get used to it, you'll no doubt have many similiar encounters over the next 4 years.

Unless you plan to bring your own, kiss those Ding Dongs, Ho Ho's, Butterfingers, Lays, Fritos, Cokes and any/all fun food goodbye, because the Fat Nazi's are making everyone miserable with their war on student obesity. [You might as well steel yourself for an annoying, egregiously intrusive, Gestapo-class interrogation about your eating habits early in the school year.]

If you're swimming with the prevailing Christian supernaturalism tide, you're headed for trouble. If, on the other hand, you're differently supernatural, you're in high cotton. If you worship Tiki statues, volcanoes, animals that lay eggs, bald headed dudes, dudes with ZZ Top looking beards that wear Charlie Chaplin hats, towel heads that strap bombs to themselves or commandeer commercial airliners filled with innocent people and fly them into buildings with more innocent people and kill them all, you're free to have extra days off, special prayer groups, meetings clubs, with no threat of backlash.

If you like silly stuff like the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus, get over it, because they are deemed uncool for school. Easter and Christmas are out, but Earth Day and Gay Pride Day are in.

If you're starting to feel like a donut at a cop's convention, you're finally starting to 'get it', Sparky. Since PIG is here to get you through your ordeal, we'll share a few survival tips. For starters, you probably shouldn't ask your teacher any of these questions:

PIG also shares some Dos and Don'ts:

Bringing a gun, a knife or drugs (legal and illegal) will get you suspended.

Advocating "individualism", "excellence", "merit", "personal accountability"or "inalienable individual liberty" will get you expelled.

Identifying yourself as a PIGster might get your executed by a Korrectnik firing squad at high noon. If you feel compelled to read the PIG Primer out loud in class, you might want to invest in a Kevlar vest, first.

You probably should avoid the following words and phrases "porker", "bun ranger bastard", "African-American Asshat", "Marxist Meathead", "peacenik pinhead", "bra burning harpy" or "some liberated bitch".

Never say "mine". Korrectnik's insist on shared ownership so the approved term is "ours".

Don't tell your pal he "throws like a girl". Instead, try to let your differently-athletic pal down easy by saying "This obviously isn't your game. Maybe you should stick to a sport you do well, like drop the soap".

I think I hear the bell, I mean siren. Now hurry along now, get to class, and cleanse that mind of yours. That's what school is these days, enjoy.

E-Mail Comments To: [email protected]